Easter Tales 2015

ARE YOU WEARING AN EASTER TOP?

Are you wearing an Easter Top?
Well I very much like what I see
Because there isn’t very much of it
And the contents are bursting free

YOU CAN LIKEN IT TO RUDOLF

Why does the Easter Bunny
Have such a shiny nose?
You can liken it to Rudolf
The thing actually glows
Well the answer is obvious
And I don’t mean to offend
But it’s because his powder puff
Is stuck to his rear end

ARE YOU WEARING AN EASTER DRESS?

Are you wearing an Easter Dress?
The big yellow ribbon is really pleasant
I’m itching to pull at that bow
So I can unwrap my Easter present

LET’S GET THIS STRAIGHT ONCE AND FOR ALL # 1

Let’s get this straight once and for all
Easter does not commemorate the time
When Jesus hid eggs in the gardens
Of Gethsemane for the disciples to find

ARE YOU WEARING AN EASTER HAT?

Are you wearing an Easter Hat?
Well more accurately it’s a bonnet
It sits so perfectly on your head
And you’re as pretty as a sonnet

THE BEST EASTER ACTOR OF ALL TIME # 1

The best Easter actor of all time
Is something of an acting hero
And there can only be one winner
And that would be Rabbit De Niro

ARE YOU WEARING EASTER CHICKS?

Are you wearing Easter chicks?
They’re precious little honeys
But I have to be honest
I much prefer your bunnies

THE ONLY WAY THE EASTER BUNNY # 1

The only way the Easter Bunny
Can paint all of the eggs in time for Easter
Is to hire some of Santa's elves
During the slow season as casual labour

ARE YOU WEARING AN EASTER SWEATER?

Are you wearing an Easter sweater?
It’s one of the hand knitted ones
Though I’m not a fan of novelty knitwear
I can ogle your hot crossed buns

THE BEST EASTER ACTOR OF ALL TIME # 2

The best Easter actor of all time
Is something of an acting Ophelia
And there can only be one winner
And that would be Bunnie Bedelia

ARE YOU WEARING EASTER ANKLE SOCKS?

Are you wearing Easter ankle socks?
Well they’re right on the money
They’re perfect for the Easter Parade
And you look as cute as a bunny

EASTER MEANING

Easter bunny
In his furry suit
Baby Chickens
Soft and cute
Easter cards
Of greeting
Sing praise at the
Sunday meeting
And remember
The meaning of Easter

It’s the chocolate eggs
It’s a no brainer

ARE YOU WEARING AN EASTER JUMPER?

Are you wearing an Easter Jumper?
Well its contents look rather bumper
But you really don’t need a bigger size
It fits them perfectly if I may apprise

THE ONLY WAY THE EASTER BUNNY # 2

The only way the Easter Bunny
Can decorate eggs in time for Easter
Is to paint them all, otherwise
They would have to use wallpaper

ARE YOU WEARING AN EASTER CARDIGAN?

Are you wearing an Easter Cardigan?
Or perhaps I should ask you why?
It’s a gloriously sunny day
And there’s not a cloud in the sky

LET’S GET THIS STRAIGHT ONCE AND FOR ALL # 2

Let’s get this straight once and for all
Easter Day does not commemorate
The a day in the gardens Of Gethsemane
When Jesus turned rabbits into chocolate

ARE YOU WEARING EASTER EARRINGS?

Are you wearing Easter earrings?
To mark the most holy of days
With the simplicity of the cross
It is the most symbolic of ways

WHAT CAME FIRST, THE CHICKEN OR THE EGG?

What came first, the chicken or the egg?
It’s a question as old as money
And the answer to it is quite obvious
It was in fact neither, it was the Easter Bunny

DURING THE EASTER HOLIDAY

During the Easter holiday
From coast to coast
What do you call a stuffed animal?
We call it a turkey roast

THE BEST EASTER ACTOR OF ALL TIME # 3

The best Easter actor of all time
Well maybe not but bear with me
So for this exercise he’s the winner
And Cluck Norris that would be

SO WHICH CAME FIRST

So which came first
What do you reckon?
The chocolate egg
Or the chocolate chicken

A Mixed Bag Of Verse # 2

I AM A LOVER OF PUCCINI

I am a lover of Puccini
And his music is so powerful
That the meaning of the words
Are almost immaterial

WE ALL NEED A PLACE TO BE ALONE

We all need a place to be alone
Somewhere to find serenity
A place for some “me” time
It could be in the mountains
Or down beside the sea
Or even sitting in the garden
Enjoying a cup of tea

IT ISN’T AU REVOIR

It isn’t au revoir
It’s not auf wiedersehen
Nor is it arrivederci
You will not appear again
Dignitas is simply
Goodbye to pain

THE GIRL IN THE PEONY RED

I noticed her immediately
As I entered the bar
The girl in the Peony red
And playing about her lips
There was an acquiescent smile
Which was aimed my way
But I didn’t return it
And let it pass me by
She wasn’t my type after all
I’m quite fussy that way
But I did cast a glance
In the general direction
Of the eager entourage of
Drooling men surrounding her
Feeding off her raw sexuality
And as I watched the mermaid
Surrounded by a pack of sharks
I realized that I had misread
The smile she sent my way
It wasn’t my company she sort
But my help she desired
She looked like a movie starlet
Cornered by the paparazzi
So I rescued the damsel
And since that day
We have been best friends

OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO STRONG

Our friendship is so strong
It will never come apart,
Because the bonds of friendship
Come straight from the heart

IT PROVIDES FAR MORE PROBLEMS

It provides far more problems
Than any solutions it brings
For communism doesn't work
As people like to own things


PARLIAMENT ENACT THE LAWS

Parliament enact the Laws
To legislate our behaviour
Police officers patrol the streets
To enforce the law
Then the court system shows us
The error of our ways
Well that’s the theory anyway
Politicians call the tunes
And the police cherry pick
The laws that they enforce
And the crown prosecution service
Take only the cases they can win
Or that make them look good
And all three elements
Play to the media

SAMHAIN

Samhain, on November 1st
Is one of the four
Gaelic seasonal festivals
Samhain marks
The beginning of winter,
The End of the harvest season,
And the end of autumn
Celebrated with feasting,
Guising and mumming
And the lighting of bonfires

DRAGONS PERFORM AEROBATICS

Dragons perform aerobatics
In the azure sky
Griffons are asked to join in
But won’t even try
Dodo’s dance a perfect
Flightless jig
The bald eagle appears
Wearing a wig
Mermaids do aqua ballet
On a flat sea of glass
Unicorns canter through
Scented meadow grass
That’s the end of my
Nonsense I fear
If you want anymore
Try Edward Lear

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MUM

Happy birthday mum
See, we did remember
Because you are so dear
Just like every year

We will never forget
We just wish and wish
You were still here
Just like every year

So we wish you
A happy birthday
And wipe away a tear
Just like every year
Mary Evelyn Curtis 20/1/1921 – 29/3/1993

A Mixed Bag Of Verse # 1

BELTANE

Beltane, on May 1st
Is one of the four
Gaelic seasonal festivals
Beltane marks
The beginning of summer
And the end spring.
Celebrated with feasting,
The decorating of homes
With May flowers,
Visiting the holy wells
And the lighting of bonfires

MALEVOLENCE

It isn’t the Prophet,
Playing on their fears
Nor is it God whispering
Poison in their ears
It isn’t even the cowardly
Old men with bitter breath
That pollute young minds
To be bringers of death
It’s a more ancient evil
Spreading hatreds spoors
That turn young souls
Into satanic warriors

MY SHADOW WATCHES ME AS I WORK

My shadow watches me as I work
And I am thankful for its easy company
Because it means I’m in the sunshine
And it is a constant reminder to me

ON HER CHARIOT DRAWN BY GRIFFINS

On her chariot drawn by griffins
The maiden goddess, dispensing justice
With rod, scales, sword and scourge
The avenger of crime, Nemesis

SHARE YOUR KNOWLEDGE AND YOUR WISDOM

Share your knowledge and your wisdom
While you’re here because in reality
Short of committing mass murder
It's the only way to achieve an immortality

THERE WAS SOMETHING REMARKABLE

There was something remarkable
A special quality beyond belief
Something dangerous and daring
With the dark-haired slip of mischief

LUGHNASADH

Lughnasadh, on August 1st
Is one of the four
Gaelic seasonal festivals
Lughnasadh marks
The beginning of autumn,
The harvest season,
And the end summer
Celebrated with feasting,
Fairs and athletic contests
And the offering of First Fruits

IF LIFE IS GETTING YOU DOWN

If life is getting you down
And depressing you increasingly
Take all of your troubles
And toss them into the sea,
You don’t have to do it for real
Just do it metaphorically
But a trip to the beach
Will help you miraculously

OLD

Old man’s withered fingers,
On a gnarled arthritic hand,
Grip the knotted handle
Of his twisted wooden cane
And in his leathered face
Is etched deep the pain
Of a life lived long
And his aged countenance
Each wrinkle tells the tale

CLASSICAL MUSIC MOVES ME

Classical music moves me
I’ve loved it from an early age
And although I can’t comprehend
The dots on the page
The music that they reveal
Is understood in any language

Walking With the Living God # 1

WE GIVE OUR PRAISE WITHOUT CONDITION

We give our praise without condition
Given freely to the Lord on high
We sing it to the highest heaven
Our hands held reaching to the sky

THE FATHER IS WITH US EVERY MOMENT

The father is with us every moment
Of every hour both day and night
Over every continent and island
He keeps us in His wondrous light

PATRON SAINT OF WINCHESTER CATHEDRAL

Anglo-Saxon St Swithun
Was Bishop of Winchester
From his consecration
Until his death.
A century later
Dunstan and Æthelwold
Adopted him as patron
Of the restored church
Of Winchester
His body was transferred
From almost complete obscurity
To Æthelwold's new basilica
After which his posthumous miracles occurred
The Winchester egg-woman
And Queen Emma's ordeal

Feast Day 15th July

ST SWITHUN'S DAY

If it rains on the Day of St Swithun
It will not stop for forty days
If it is dry on the Day of St Swithun
Then follows fair for forty days

IF THE WEATHER IS FARE

If the weather is fare
On St Swithun’s day
Then for forty days
You should make hay

LOVE OF GOD

Our God above loves us
So we worship and adore him
His love sustains us all

SENT FROM ON HIGH

Sent from on high
So heavenly demure
A soul of purest light
An angel so pure
To take your hand
When it’s time
And comfort you
On you heavenly climb

A HEART OF PERFECT LOVE

A heart of perfect love
Love being the leaven
To help you Ascend
To the highest Heaven

IF ON ST SWITHUN’S DAY

If on St Swithun’s day
It does heartily rain
Go home and for forty days
Don’t come out again

IN HYMNS AND PSALMS REJOICING

In hymns and psalms rejoicing
We praise our Lord on high
Our praise to heaven ascended
And we lift our voices to the sky

VOICES IN PRAYER ARE NEVER SILENT

Voices in prayer are never silent
As we pray to our Lord on high
Our prayers to heaven ascended
And we lift our eyes to the sky

THE SOURCE OF SPECIAL LOVE

God has always been
The source of special love
A perfect loving faith
That fits me like a glove

THERE IS A SIGN OF HOPE

Everything is not
Wrong in the world
There is a sign of hope
God is our inspiration
And our Guiding light

SUCKED INTO THE DARKNESS

Sucked into the darkness,
Plunged into the abyss
Life pronounced extinct
Ashes to ashes
Dust to dust
Yet in the darkness
Stood a figure
With lily-white wings
Smiling in Silence
And led him to the light
To a life eternal

ST SWITHIN AND QUEEN EMMA'S ORDEAL

Before the Norman Conquests
Princess Emma of Normandy
Became Queen Emma of England
Wife to King Æthelred the Unready
And then to Canute the Great of Denmark
She was falsely accused of adultery
But the night before her ordeal by fire
As she slept in Wargrave uneasily
Saint Swithun appeared in a dream
To tell her she would be set free




ST MARTIN OF TOURS

Started out as a Roman soldier
But was baptized as an adult
And then became a monk
It is understood that he was a kind man
Who led a quiet and simple life
The most famous legend of his life,
Was when he was still a soldier,
It is the story about the time
That he cut his cloak in half
To share with a beggar
To protect him during a snowstorm,
Which saved the beggars life
That same night he dreamed that Jesus
Was wearing the half-cloak
Martin heard Jesus say to the angels,
"Here is Martin, the Roman soldier
Who is not baptised; he has clothed me"

THE FEAST OF ST MARTIN OF TOURS

St. Martin's Day,
Or the Feast of St. Martin,
Martinstag, Martinmas
Or Martin le Miséricordieux
The Feast of St Martin of Tours,
Is a time for feasting celebrations
On November the 11th
When the autumn wheat fields
Were sown for the following year
And the annual slaughter
Of well fattened cattle
To produce "Martinmas beef"
And it was also the time
When hiring fairs were held
Where farm unemployed labourer’s
Could find new work

Feast Day November 11th

ST SWITHIN AND THE WINCHESTER EGG WOMAN

An old lady's eggs had been smashed
On the new stone bridge by workmen
Swithin picked the broken eggs up and
They miraculously became whole again

Tales of Love # 20

IF I HAD ONLY KNOWN # 1

If I had only known
It would be the last time
I'd see you fall asleep
I would have stayed
A little longer and
Lingered at your bedside
Holding your hand
As you slipped
Silently away
To be at peace

AS STREAKS OF GOLD APPEAR IN THE WESTERN SKY

As streaks of gold appear in the western sky
I look into her hypnotic green eyes and sigh
With her in my arms and romance in my heart,
As the sunset glowed, I vowed we’d never part

THE SLIGHTEST TWINKLE

The slightest twinkle
Was evident
In her shining eyes
The hint of a smile
Played about her lips
And her mouth
Went up at the corners
Almost unperceptively
Her whole countenance
Held in that moment
On the brink
And as the words
Left my lips
The status quo
Was swept away
As the delight
Spread across her face
And my question
Was answered
In the affirmative

WHO’S STORY OF LOVE

Who’s story of love
Is written in the stars
Is it the Greeks of old?
Or could it be ours?

HER FATHER DRANK BLACK BITTER COFFEE

Her father drank black bitter coffee
Her mother sipped earl grey tea
As I stood before her parents
I was full of fear and anxiety

It was a very daunting experience
And it was not at all as I planned
I was there for a noble purpose
To ask for their daughters hand

As the object of my attentions
Sat demurely drinking her juice
Her father started choking
And mother turned strangely puce

We left the house hand in hand
Running head long from the pair
They had both forbad consent
But the lovers really didn’t care

So they went to the Savoy Hotel
And ordered chilled Chardonnay
which came in crystal goblets
Carried on a large silver tray

They sat in luxury surroundings
Until the bottle was empty
And their hearts were full of love
And their future was full of plenty

IF I HAD ONLY KNOWN # 2

If I had only known
It would be the last time
I would see you
Walk out the door
I would have
Called you back
And hugged and kissed
You even more

MY STRAWBERRY BLONDE

My strawberry blonde
Always topped my list
With Alabaster skin,
Apple blossom kissed
Smooth and silken soft
Just as I had wished
But that was long ago
Now she is sadly missed

WE HAVE LIVED OUR LIVES TOGETHER

We have lived our lives together
And we have reached our Novembers
The once burning fires of our lives
Have been reduced to meagre embers
And yet we can still look forward
To us both sharing our Decembers

I MISS YOU ALL THE TIME

I miss you all the time
You were my shining sun
And there is an emptiness
But when all said and done
There’s nothing lonelier
Than dinner for one

THE SUN AND MOON

The sun and moon
Where once in love
But the sun burned hot
With want and desire
While the moon
Was cool and aloof
So they were destined
To be Star-crossed
For all eternity

IF I HAD ONLY KNOWN # 3

If I had only known
It would be the last time
That I would ever see you
I would have stayed
A moment longer
And lingered at your bedside
As I said goodbye
And told you once again
How much I loved you

MESMERISING CHARMS

Mesmerising charms
Led me to her arms
A loving place
So why should I run?

Love in my heart
I want to share
But I hold back
And I want to run

Fear is the key,
A deep fear in me
Of being hurt
So I want to run

I need the key
To unlock the chains
That bind my heart
So I won’t run

I LOOK BACK FONDLY

I look back fondly
To those early days
When we would sit together
On the winter evenings
Beside the roaring fire
And we would sit and talk
Laughing and chatting
In the orange glow
Late into the evening
Until the embers cooled

ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE FENCE

The grass is always greener
And the senses were keener
So I committed a misdemeanour

And when away she flew
To her green pastures new
My foolish heart was torn in two

True Nature # 6

THE SUFFOLK PUNCH

The Suffolk Punch
Heavy draught horse
Beautiful Chestnut beast
Solid and dependable
With energetic gait
Known as “good doers”
The Suffolk Punch
Work horse of the land

HEAVEN SENT APRIL SHOWERS

Heaven sent April showers
Will bring the May flowers
And after spring has begun
Soon comes the summer sun

SWEET MEMORIES OF OUR CHILDHOOD # 1

Sweet memories of our childhood
Those days of youth were the best
Golden Septembers in the fields
Gathering the bounty of the harvest

AS THE LENGTHENING DAYS WARM UP

As the lengthening days warm up
When the north is on the cusp
The ice begins to speak or sing
Heralding the arrival of spring

SWEET MEMORIES OF OUR CHILDHOOD # 2

Sweet memories of our childhood
Sunny days bright and pleasant
Cold crisp Novembers on the heath
Beating the bracken for the Pheasant

ON THE PLANTATION

On the plantation
Nothing can be finer
Than a bevy of Quail
In South Carolina

IN THE AUTUMN

In the Autumn
The shoot is very pleasant
And we end the day
With a bevy of pheasant

UP ON THE MOOR

Up on the Moor
The birds take flight
On the glorious 12th
They leave the hill
With a bevy of Grouse
The trappings of wealth

THE SUN BURSTS THROUGH THE CURTAINS

The sun bursts through the curtains
As dawn brings forth another day
And bids us waken from our rest
With every golden warming ray

THE SUFFOLK HORSE

The Suffolk Horse
Heavy draught horse
Beautiful Chestnut beast
Solid and dependable
With energetic gait
Known as “good doers”
The Suffolk Horse
Work horse of the land

IN SHADES OF RED AND ORANGE

In shades of red and orange
The sky burns with fire
Clouds in sunset are illuminated
Like smoke in a funeral pyre

BEYOND THE SNOW-CAPPED MOUNTAINS

Beyond the snow-capped mountains
A brand new dawn breaks
Night moved onward into light
Across the land and the lakes

THEY CLIMB WITH STRENGTH AND GRACE

They climb with strength and grace
And ramble wide and free
They stand alone as Floribunda
Standard or Hybrid Tea
The glorious English rose
Beautiful flower of history

WHEN WINTERS BITE IS TAMED

When winters bite is tamed
Spring brings forth the shoots
Then summer scents the flowers
And the autumn earns the fruits

LET THE WIND HOWL

Let the wind howl
Let the tempest blow
Bring forth the rain
Bring forth the snow
Then let the frost bite
Let the ice crack
Then we can get
The winter sun back

THE SUFFOLK SORREL

The Suffolk Sorrel
Heavy draught horse
Beautiful Chestnut beast
Solid and dependable
With energetic gait
Known as “good doers”
The Suffolk Sorrel
Work horse of the land

A Little Bit Of Humour # 97

ARE YOU WEARING WINGS?

Are you wearing wings?
And what are those other things?
A stick? And scales of justice?
Oh crikey are you my Nemesis

ARE YOU WEARING A CROWN?

Are you wearing a crown?
Oh Charles please put it down
Wearing it doesn’t mean a thing
You know you will never be King

ARE YOU WEARING THE BOSS’S HAT?

Are you wearing the boss’s hat?
I laugh when you call me that
And based on what I spend on kebabs
Either on my own or with the lads
It all adds up to a fair amount of money
Calling me boss is too true to be funny

ARE YOU WEARING SENSIBLE FOOTWEAR?

Are you wearing Sensible Footwear?
They are a kind of stout boot
And with your skinny legs
I think you look rather cute

FAST FOOD DRIVE THROUGH’S

Fast food Drive through’s
I’m afraid, are a step too far
And I find them quite expensive
By the time you’ve hired a car

DON’T PICK UP HITCHHIKERS

“Don’t pick up hitchhikers”
I was told “don’t do it ever”
Unless of course it was you
Who actually ran them over

IT WAS DURING A CHESS GAME

It was during a Chess game
That I remember him saying
“Let’s make this more interesting”
So we agreed to stop playing

IT’S NOT REALLY ANY COMFORT

It’s not really any comfort
If someone dies while doing
Something that they loved
When they were doing Heroin

AFTER TEN YEARS OF MARRIAGE

After ten years of marriage
I am divorced by choice
Regrettably I have to say
That it wasn’t my choice

HOW OFTEN HAVE YOU HEARD IT SAID?

How often have you heard it said?
“I am taking it one day at a time”
Well no shit Sherlock don’t we all
That is after all the nature of time

THE MAN GOES ON TOP AND THE WOMAN UNDERNEATH

“The man goes on top and the woman underneath”
That was my sex education as my mother said
So as we were very naïve back then, so for the first
Three years of marriage we slept in bunk beds

WHAT IS THE POINT FOR WOMAN

What is the point for woman of a certain age
Wearing a see through negligee
When all the men of her acquaintance aren’t able
To see through it anyway

I’M DATING A SKINNY PAIR OF TWINS

I’m dating a pair of skinny twins
They’re little more than skin and bone
And they are anorexic, it’s rather like
A case of two birds and one stone

A Little Bit Of Humour # 96

ARE YOU WEARING ERMINE?

Are you wearing Ermine?
Oh Charles put the robe down
Wearing it doesn’t mean a thing
You will never wear the crown

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 351

One, two, buckle my shoe
Three, four, open the door
Five, six, cocktail sticks
Seven, eight, in a bit of a state
Nine, ten, pissed again

ARE YOU WEARING A TUXEDO?

Are you wearing a tuxedo?
It’s so loud it makes a racket
No James Bond doesn’t wear one
He wears a proper dinner jacket

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 347

Georgie Porgie, Puddin' and Pie,
Kissed the girls and made them cry
Until the day that it came to be
He was investigate by Yew Tee

ARE YOU WEARING CONVERSE?

Are you wearing Converse?
Footwear for casual strolls
You know when I was a boy
They were called plimsolls

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 350

On top of Old Smoky,
All covered with snow
The great sleeping giant
Was ready to blow

ARE YOU WEARING AN ALICE BAND?

Are you wearing an Alice band?
Oh how perfectly droll
For a freaky looking bloke
Do you go down the rabbit hole?

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 348

Girls and boys, come out to play
The moon doth shine as bright as day
They drink whatever is plentiful and cheap
And end up legless in the street

ARE YOU WEARING BRAZILIANS?

Are you wearing Brazilians?
It’s very bold of you to mention
Oh they’re some kind of knickers
I clearly wasn’t paying attention
I must admit my mind wandered
When I heard you say Brazilian

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 349

Little Miss Muffet
Sat on a tuffet,
Eating of curds and whey;
And if you ever wondered
What a tuffet is
You’ll find them on Ebay

A Little Bit Of Humour # 95

ARE YOU WEARING A TANK TOP?

Are you wearing a tank top?
Someone should’ve yelled stop
I know charity shops are thrifty
But it’s was dated in nineteen fifty

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 344

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
And the trains were delayed for hours

ARE YOU WEARING GOGGLES?

Are you wearing goggles?
Well the mind simply boggles
I’m sorry about the giggles
But you do look like Biggles

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 336

There was a farmer,
Had a dog,
And Bingo was his name-o
A foolish name for a dog
But he loves it a Lotto

ARE YOU WEARING A TIN HAT?

Are you wearing a tin hat?
What kind of headgear is that?
Are you wearing it because, because
You’re off to see the Wizard of Oz

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 345

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
But what I really want to know is how
He got up there in the first place

ARE YOU WEARING EXTENSIONS?

Are you wearing extensions?
Well I hesitate to mention
The extensions to your hair
Don’t really attach down there

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 352

Three wise men of Gotham
This is something of a choker
When it turns out that they are
Penguin, Riddler and the joker

ARE YOU WEARING A TUX?

Are you wearing a tux?
Urgh that thing really sucks
It’s starting to disconcert
It’s a Tux printed on a t-shirt

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 346

As I was going by Charing Cross
The station was closed of course
And a sign said outside of the station
A replacement bus service is in operation

A Little Bit Of Humour # 94

ARE YOU WEARING NOVELTY GLASSES?

Are you wearing novelty glasses?
Did you buy them as a kind of remedy?
Well if nothing else they should
Improve your observational comedy

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 342

Doctor Foster
Went to Gloucester,
Because he liked a rhyme

IF YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE + 1 CHANNELS

If you are going to have + 1 channels
There should be a – 1 for the viewer
Which would automatically erase anything
You may have recorded in error

SNAGS IS AN ACRONYM

SNAGS is an acronym
For “Sensitive New Age Guy’s”
But don’t all men come with snags?
Just like turds come with flies

ARE YOU WEARING DENIM SHORTS?

Are you wearing denim shorts?
They are cheeky by all reports
The Denim certainly comes up short
You must get some bawdy retorts

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 338

Baa, baa, black sheep,
Have you any wool?
Yes, sir, yes, sir,
Three bags full;
I can’t get rid of the bloody stuff

ARE YOU WEARING A COCKTAIL DRESS?

Are you wearing a cocktail dress?
And drinking cocktails at the same time
You do know that wearing one without
Drinking the other isn’t actually a crime

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 343

Hot cross buns!
Hot cross buns!
I don’t care if they’re
One a penny,
Its only January

ARE YOU WEARING SNOWSHOES?

Are you wearing snowshoes?
Blimey those things cost a packet
Hang on after closer inspection
Your snowshoe is a tennis racket

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 337

As I was going to St. Ives,
The car broke down
On the A30 at Redruth
Then I met a man with seven wives,
Which put all my problems
Into perspective

A Little Bit Of Humour # 93

I AM WEARING A CONTENTED EXPRESSION?

I am wearing a contented expression?
And all that is necessarily attached
I’m a man and at the end of the day
And if it itches, it will be scratched

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 340

Eeper Weeper, Chimney sweeper,
Had a skinny wife but couldn’t keep her.
That’s because
He didn't love her,
And up the chimney he did shove her

ARE YOU WEARING A FISH’S TAIL?

Are you wearing a fish’s tail?
And is it actually swishy?
I guess you must be a mermaid
You’re a very dishy little Fishy

SINCE I RETIRED I HAVE RESISTED THE TEMPTATION

Since I retired I have resisted the temptation
To tidy the cellar, the garage or the attic
Because the moment I accomplished the task
My grown up kids would fill them with their shit

MY WIFE HAS PUT ME ON A VERY STRICT DIET

My wife has put me on a very strict diet
And eating before bed has been discouraged
But if we weren’t meant to have midnight snacks
Then why is there a light on in the fridge

THE VET SAID

The vet said “Your Pekinese will keep vomiting,
But it’s your choice
To continue to keep talking to the creature
In that stupid gooey voice”

IF YOUR DAUGHTER WANTS A BIRTHDAY PARTY

If your daughter wants a birthday party
At home, make it Cinderella themed
That way you can be the wicked queen
And the guests can keep the house clean

MY SISTER HAS A TANNING SALON

My sister has a tanning salon
It is hers and her husband John’s
And at the national tanning awards
Their establishment won bronze

MY BROTHER IS SUCH A PESSIMIST

My brother is such a pessimist
It has been his great tormentor
He’s so pessimistic that if there
Was a contest he wouldn’t enter

THE DEVIL LANDED ON THE CHURCH ROOF

The devil landed on the church roof
The vicar said “Show him your cross”
So the curate went outside and shouted
“Piss off you red horned piece of dross”

ARE YOU WEARING DENIM JEANS?

Are you wearing denim jeans?
Popular they have always been
But on the older man they’re not
As fashionable as they might seem

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 339

Eeny, meeny, miny, moe,
Catch a tiger by the toe,
If he hollers, don’t let him go,
And if you do run like hell

All This And World War Too

PUT DOWN YOUR PEN

Put down your pen, write no more
Names on the honour roll
The count id done, praise God
Listen well as the peace bells toll
At last the bloodshed is at an end
Let’s lose no more friends or foes

HUMPH

On Victory in Europe Day
On the eighth of May 1945
Amidst the happy throng
Outside Buck House
He was joyfully playing
“Roll out the Barrel”
On his trumpet
Whilst being perambulated
In a wheelbarrow
And that was how
Lt Humphrey Lyttelton
Inadvertently gave his
First ever performance
On the BBC
Which survives to this day
On the BBC news reels

HEROINES OF THE SPECIAL OPERATIONS EXECUTIVE - ODETTE SANSOM HALLOWES GC, MBE

She was French born
But served as an agent for the SOE
In April 1943 “Lise”
Was betrayed to the Germans
Along with her future husband
Peter Churchill
And The SD interrogated them at
84 Avenue Foch, their HQ in Paris
Though tortured with red hot pokers
They kept to their cover story
That he was both her husband
And Winston Churchill’s nephew
Which seemed to do the trick
With confirmation from London
But she was condemned to death in June 1943
But was transferred to Germany
To be imprisoned at Ravensbrück
The Churchill’s nephew story stuck
And when the allies got close
The Camp commandant Fritz Suhren
Drove Sansom to the allied lines
To surrender to the Americans
Hoping to save his own neck
Which didn’t work
Odette testified in 1946
At the Hamburg Ravensbrück Trials
And he was hanged in 1950
Odette was subsequently awarded
A British George Cross, an MBE and
A French Chevalier de la Légion d'honneur

THANK GOD FOR LITTLE BELGIUM

Thank God for little Belgium
Bravely holding off the Hun
Mounting a strong defence
So no easy victory was won
Gaining time for their allies
And maddening the Hun
A high price had to be paid
By Belgian mother and son
It was called the rape of Belgium
When the fighting was done

LT HUMPHREY LYTTELTON OF THE BRIGADE OF GUARDS

When he landed on the beach at Salerno
The unsuspecting enemy were met
By a signals officer, with a pistol
In one hand and in the other his trumpet

HEROINES OF THE SPECIAL OPERATIONS EXECUTIVE - NOOR INAYAT KHAN GC

She was Russian born
But died as an agent for the SOE
In October 1943 “Madelaine”
Was betrayed to the Germans
And the SD Interrogated her at
84 Avenue Foch
Their HQ in Paris
Though she had the face of an angel
She fought her captors so fiercely
They were scared of her,
And treated her as extremely dangerous
After many escape attempts
She was transferred to Germany
After almost a year in captivity
She was taken to Dachau
Along with three other agents
And in the early morning hours
Of 13th September 1944,
They were shot in the back of the head
Their bodies then immediately
Burned in the crematorium.
As far as the British were concerned
She was only missing
And she was mentioned in despatches
It wasn’t until 1949
When she was posthumously awarded
A British George Cross and
A French Croix de Guerre with Silver Star.

OLD SOLDIERS WEARIED WITH AGE

Old soldiers wearied with age
Marching with faltering stride
Carry themselves with dignity
And wear the uniform with pride

AFTER WAR WAS DECLARED

The bombing began
Cities were struck
With vengeance
Night after night
Shattering explosions of death
Shaking the ground
Delivering deadly destruction
Buildings fell to the ground.
Stones and bricks
Turned to shrapnel
As architecture was rent asunder
Death meted out indiscriminately
On the innocents
The mighty Luftwaffe
Had declared war on civilians
Theatres and churches
Schools and homes
Pubs and shops
All fell victim
Little was spared
In those terrible raids
Many British Cities
Still bear the scars

HEROINES OF THE SPECIAL OPERATIONS EXECUTIVE - DENISE MADELEINE BLOCH

She was French born
But died as an agent for the SOE
In June 1944 “Ambroise”
She was captured by the Germans
After lengthy interrogation
She was transferred to Germany
To be imprisoned at Ravensbrück
Along with two other agents
And in the early morning hours
In February 1945,
They were shot in the back of the head
Their bodies then immediately
Burned in the crematorium.
She was posthumously awarded
A Kings Commendation for Brave Conduct
And a French Croix de Guerre with bronze star
A French Chevalier de la Légion d'honneur
And the Médaille de la Résistance

DESPERATE YEARS WHEN DAYS WERE DARK

Desperate years when days were dark
Some darker when sirens were sounding
When the scared fled to their shelters
While their Cities took a pounding

THE WHISTLES BLEW

The whistles blew
And over the top
Went the company
Moving as one
Through the smoke
And strewn before us
Broken and bloody
In the Flanders mud
Lay the fallen,
Comrades all
Lifeless and cold
But on we walked
Each of us knowing
We might join them soon

HEROINES OF THE SPECIAL OPERATIONS EXECUTIVE - LILIAN VERA ROLFE MBE

She was French born
But died as an agent for the SOE
In July 1944 “Nadine”
She was captured by the Germans
And transported to Fresnes Prison in Paris,
Where she was interrogated repeatedly
And brutally tortured until August
She was then transferred to Germany
To be imprisoned at Ravensbrück
Along with two other agents
And in the early morning hours
In February 1945,
They were shot in the back of the head
Their bodies then immediately
Burned in the crematorium.
She was posthumously awarded
A French Croix de Guerre with palm, an MBE
And was mentioned her in despatches

ON THE HOME-FRONT

On the home-front
Brave men and women
Gave their all
Granddad was a special
Mum was a WRAC
Her sister was on the land
Great Uncle Bill
Was in the home guard
Uncle Fred was in the ARP
Not everyone did their bit
But the majority rolled up their sleeves
Some did more than others
But everyone was under fire

BLOOD SWEPT LANDS

What a stunning and fitting tribute
Well met at the Bloody Tower
A Poppy Sea, marking the toll
Levied at the eleventh hour
Ceramic Poppies, flower and stem
Placed so we will remember them

HEROINES OF THE SPECIAL OPERATIONS EXECUTIVE - VIOLETTE REINE ELIZABETH SZABO, GC

She was French born
But died as an agent for the SOE
In June 1944 while on a mission
She was captured by the Germans
And the SD Interrogated her at Limoges
Then transferred her to 84 Avenue Foch
Their HQ in Paris
But with the Allies closing in
She was transferred to Germany
To be imprisoned at Ravensbrück
Along with two other agents
And In the early morning hours
In February 1945,
They were shot in the back of the head
Their bodies then immediately
Burned in the crematorium.
She was posthumously awarded
A British George Cross and
A French Croix de Guerre with bronze star
And the Médaille de la Résistance

HAVING WON THE WAR

Having won the war we struggled in peace
We lived those post war days austerely
But truly believed it was for the best
Despite feeling the rationing severely
But out children charged on into the sixties
And lived the decade too cavalierly