ARE YOU WEARING SOMETHING SHOCKING?

 

Are you wearing something shocking?

Beneath your beautiful wedding dress

Well, it’s not the stockings and suspenders

But your tattooed arse that will cause distress

Uncanny Tales – (068) Remembering Bernadette

 

Colin Smith smiled when he remembered his very first girlfriend, her name was Bernadette O’Flaherty, and he would be the first one to admit that she was ever so slightly unattractive.

Bernadette's complexion was best described as porridge like, and she had an unflattering monobrow which prompted his brother Phil to suggested she must have fallen from the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down.

Although she was considered quite a looker where she was born in Blackheath despite a large warty nose and a bit of a ginger moustache, and tufts of red hair under her arms which looked like she was smuggling a pair of ginger hamsters, and she had a funny eye, so it appeared that one was looking at you and the other one was looking for you, but love is blind, so they say.

Phil told him she had a face like a smashed crab or a bag full of spanners, but beauty is only skin deep, though it often looked like she had hers on inside out, and she was best viewed in a dimmed light.

Phil suggested viewing her from a distance would be preferable, which Colin thought was a bit unkind, however he did always think it was best not to see her naked form but tackle her from behind in the dark.

Her hairy legs and hairy nipples didn’t help, and her figure was less curvy and more saggy.

She was older than him by a few years and had certainly been around the block and she was a bit of an old banger but on long cold dark nights she was a real bundle of fun even if she did have a face like a well smacked arse, Bernadette was more than acceptable for a shy young man to practice on.

LESBIAN CARPENTER

 

My sister has an unusual trade,

She is a lesbian carpenter

There are certain criteria

Which really seem to suit her

No male / female joining

No screwing required

No nuts or penetrative bolts

Only tongue and groove is desired

SHOT WITH A STARTING PISTOL

 

A man living in Bristol

Has been shot with a starting pistol;

The police have now stated

That it's definitely race related.

DO YOU NEED A BAG

A man said to the chemist

"Give me three packets of condoms miss."

She replied, "Do you need a bag, sir?"

He said, “No she’s quite a looker”

FISHY BLONDE

Bimbette took her goldfish to the vet

"I think it's got epilepsy" Bimbette said.

The Vet took a good long look

Then stood scratching his head

 

"It seems calm enough to me".

Said the puzzled vet,

Bimbette replied

"I haven't taken it out of the water yet".

ALPINE QUERY

 

“Dad, Dad where are the Alps”?

“I’m sorry son I cannot say

Ask your mother she’s the one

Who tidies all the stuff away”?