A Little Bit Of Humour # 147

WHAT NOT TO DO IN HORROR MOVIES # 5

If you value your life avoid places
Where demons from hell meet
Like a certain geographical location
Infamously known as Elm Street

THERE IS A VERY DISTINCT DIFFERENCE

There is a very distinct difference
Between Mardi Gras and Fat Tuesday
The former is an all-night party and
You wake up with the latter the next day

THE FEAST DAY OF SAINT PATRICK

The feast day of Saint Patrick
Is Ireland’s National Day
When the Irish people
Celebrate Saint Patrick's Day

RELATIONSHIP RULES

Anything I may have said
Six months ago to you
Is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, in my view
All comments become null and void
After a day or two

YOU SHOULD NEVER ENTERTAIN LEWD THOUGHTS

You should never entertain
Lewd thoughts, whatever you do
You should close your eyes
And let them entertain you

NONRELIGIOUS KIDS ARE ILL-INFORMED

Nonreligious kids are ill-informed
When asked the difference between
The New and Old Testament
Only one child bothered to speak up
And he thought the Kindle version
Must be the New Testament

I TOOK THE GRANDCHILDREN TO THE THEATRE

I took the grandchildren to the theatre
To watch the new pantomime Aladdin
I knew it wasn’t going to be very good
As they refunded my money on the way in

MY FATHER IN LAW FLATLY REFUSED

My father in law flatly refused to
Watch Henry the IV part two
He said “I’m not like other people
I can’t watch another sequel”

A MAN APPEARING AS HAMLET

A man appearing as Hamlet
Was booed while performing it
“Don’t blame me” he snapped
“I didn’t write this bloody shit”

THE YOUNG PERFORMER WAS EGGED ON

The young performer was egged on
To the stage by his pushy parents
But he was soon egged off it again
By an unappreciative audience

MY DAUGHTER IS AWAY AT UNIVERSITY

My daughter is away at University
And has nothing in common with ET
Because ET phoned home occasionally

I AM DOUBLY HANDICAPPED

I am doubly handicapped
Which has scuppered my plans
I am illiterate and ambidextrous
So I can’t write with both hands

THE GIRL IN THE CRINOLINE GOWN

The girl in the crinoline gown
Danced like in a dream
While moving in unfashionable
Circles it would seem

FIFTY SHADES OF GREY

Don’t talk to me about
Fifty shades of grey
I’m at the care home
Vagazaling grannies everyday

YOU’RE NEXT

If it annoys you when old people
Point at you during someone’s nuptials
And say “you’re next” just start doing
The same thing to them at funerals

A Little Bit Of Humour # 146

I WENT INTO HOSPITAL FOR MINOR SURGERY # 16

I went into hospital for minor surgery
The staff did not fill me with a sense of security
As I was going under I heard the surgeon say
“Hand me that...uh...that uh... doohicky”

DRINK GREEN BEER

Drink green beer
On St Patricks Day
It will count as one
Of your five a day

MY GRANDDADS NOT VERY TECH SAVVY

My granddads not very tech savvy
So when he got a laptop I was amazed
But when I asked what windows version
He had, he replied “double glazed”

MY GRANDSON IS ALWAYS ON HIS PHONE

My grandson is always on his phone
Its scrambled his brain I think
“What you need is a life” I said
He replied “Ok send me the link”

THE LAMB AND PUP

I walked into my local
“The Lamb and Pup”
The landlord said “Bitter?”
I replied “No just fed up”

A 16 YEAR OLD LAD

A 16 year old lad asked the barmaid for a drink
“I can’t sell you booze to quench your thirst”
She replied “Do you want to get me in trouble”
The lad smiled and said “Can I have a beer first”

WE CALL MY AUNT BETH THE EXORCIST

We call my aunt Beth the exorcist
Its cruel but we can’t resist
It’s because whenever she gets near
All the spirits disappear

BARBARA WINDSOR WENT INTO A PUB

Barbara Windsor went into a pub
After the days filming was done
And ordered a double entendre
So the barman gave her one

MY FATHER TRADES ON THE STOCK EXCHANGE

My father trades on the stock exchange
He really enjoys the thrill
Last week he traded boxes of Oxo cubes
For multiple jars of Bovril

YOU’VE BURNED THE DINNER AGAIN

“You’ve burned the dinner again” he said
To the plate with the burnt offering on
“It’s not burned, its caramelized” she retorted
“Well you’ve caramelized it to carbon”

CROSSWORD CONUNDRUM

“Seven down, “Fizzy Drink” eight letters”
I said to my fellow traveller’s arrayed
They looked at me blankly, then one said
“If it was seven up, it would be lemonade”

AN ACCIDENT IN THE KITCHEN

An accident in the kitchen
When the condiments ignited
Blew mixed herbs in my eyes
And left me Parsley-sighted

I THOUGHT HE WAS SHOT IN THE FOREST

I thought he was shot in the forest
But I was wrong, and the reason
Was a simple misunderstanding
He was shot in the Lumbar region

SISTER AGATHA AT THE CONVENT

Sister Agatha at the convent
Was somnambulistic
The sleep walking nun
Was called a Roaming Catholic

WHEN MOSES WENT TO MOUNT OLIVE

When Moses went to mount Olive
He bit off more than he could chew
As Moses thought it was just him
But he found Popeye was there too

A Little Bit Of Humour # 145

WHEN I WAS YOUNG WE ATE A HEALTHY DIET # 2

When I was young we ate a healthy diet
With plenty of fruit and vegetables
But we never thought of eating Seaweed
In fact we didn’t even know it was edible

WHAT NOT TO DO IN HORROR MOVIES # 4

If on your travels you find a town
Which looks deserted, let’s say
It’s probably like that for a reason.
So take the hint and stay away

I WENT INTO HOSPITAL FOR MINOR SURGERY # 15

I went into hospital for minor surgery
The staff did not fill me with a sense of well being
As I was going under I heard the surgeon say
“It’s a shame Page 47 of the manual was missing!”

THERE WAS ONCE A DUTCHMAN

There was once a Dutchman
Who made inflatable togs
It was a only a short career
But he popped his clogs

AN INSECT PACKER

He was interviewed for the job
Of an insect packer of bugs and thrips
He answered all the questions
And in the end boxed all the ticks

I WENT INTO HOSPITAL FOR MINOR SURGERY # 17

I went into hospital for minor surgery
And all the staff did was make me worse
As I was going under I heard the surgeon say
“No I said remove his spectacles nurse”

HOW WAS THE OP DOCTOR?

He woke up and said
“How was the op Doctor?”
“I’m not your Doctor,
I’m afraid, I’m St Peter”

WHEN TWO APPLE DEVICES

When two Apple devices
Interface when meeting
They don’t do a handshake
But do an iFive in greeting

FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION

Failure is not an option
The salesman told me
But he didn’t say it came
As standard did he

MY COMPUTER IS LIKE

My computer is like
Air conditioning as it goes
It works perfectly well
Until I start opening windows

MR OHM WANTED TO MEET SOMEONE

Mr Ohm wanted to meet someone
And start a marital home
And he just couldn’t resistor
That’s why she’s now Mrs Ohm

MY SON HAS AN IPOD

My son has an iPod
His sister has an iPad
My wife has an iPhone
And its iPay for Dad

NOW I KNOW I’VE REACH ROCK BOTTOM

Now I know I’ve reach rock bottom
It must be due to my personality
I just got in my car and I discovered
And even the Satnav’s not talking to me

HE WAS FED UP WITH HIS DEVICE

He was fed up with his device
So in frustration without flinching
He dropped his iPad in the river
And it immediately started synching

MY SISTER WORKS IN THE IT DEPARTMENT

My sister works in the IT department
And got sacked for having dyslexia
Her boss told her to “unzip his files?”
She misunderstood and he sacked her

A Little Bit Of Humour # 144

I WENT INTO HOSPITAL FOR MINOR SURGERY # 14

I went into hospital for minor surgery
The staff did not fill me with a sense of security
As I was going under I heard the surgeon say
“I think this blade is sharp enough, don't worry. “

WHAT NOT TO DO IN HORROR MOVIES # 3

When there is a raging storm outside
And an intruder with murderous intent
And the power suddenly goes out
Do not go and search the basement

WHEN I WAS YOUNG WE ATE A HEALTHY DIET # 1

When I was young we ate a healthy diet
With plenty of fruit and vegetables
And we didn’t do it under sufferance
Apart from prunes which were medicinal

ST PATRICKS DAY IS ONE OF THE FEW

St Patricks Day is one of the very few
Acceptable times to wear body glitter
When you have a reasonable expectation
Of not being mistaken for a stripper

WHEN DID YOU LAST HAVE SEX

I asked “When did you last have sex?”
My uncle replied “1956”
“That long ago” I exclaimed “Wow”
And he said “it’s only 20.35 now

LAST YEAR I WENT ON HOLIDAY TO AUSTRALIA

Last year I went on holiday to Australia
And was asked by an immigration bore
“Do you have any criminal convictions?”
I said “I didn’t think I needed one anymore”

WHAT DO YOU CALL A SHEEP TIED UP

What do you call a sheep tied up
To a lamppost with a piece of string
Well it depends where you are
But some would see it as a sure thing

THE ITALIAN CHICKEN CROSSED THE ROAD

The Italian chicken crossed the road
Because he wouldn’t fight side by side
So that was the reason he crossed the road
In order to surrender to the other side

IS THERE ANYTHING WORN UNDER THE KILT?

Is there anything worn under the kilt?
An old lady asked Mr Lauder?
“No Madam there is not” he replied
“Everything is in perfect working order”

WHAT COULD THE POSSIBLE REASON BE

If a Britain was in the World Cup Final
What could the possible reason be
There is only one probable explanation
He would have to be the Referee

THE PRUSSIAN ARISTOCRACY

How do you think they got rid,
In days bygone,
Of the Prussian Aristocracy,
It was Von by Von

WHY DO THE FRENCH EAT SNAILS?

Why do the French eat snails?
It’s an odd habit, without being rude
The only explanation I can find
Is that the French don’t like fast food

AUSTRALIAN CULTURE

Being English we like to think that
Australians have no refinement at all
But today they are not without culture
They have Greek yogurt now after all

SOPHISTICATED NORTH AMERICANS

I had heard that there was such a thing
As sophisticated North Americans
And I have to admit when I heard that
I assumed they were talking about Canadians

WAS THE FIRST MAN ADAM, AN ENGLISHMAN?

Was the first man Adam, an Englishman?
There’s a question with which to grapple
As he was stood next to a naked woman
And he had thoughts only about the apple

A Little Bit Of Humour # 143

I WENT INTO HOSPITAL FOR MINOR SURGERY # 13

I went into hospital for minor surgery
The staff did not fill me with a sense of security
As I was coming around I heard someone say
“I hope this patient has already had a family”

WHAT NOT TO DO IN HORROR MOVIES # 2

When it appears that you have succeeded
And the monster is lying dead
Do not for any reason go and check
Get the hell out of there instead

WHEN ASKED WHAT HE DID FOR A LIVING # 2

When asked what he did for a living
He replied furtively “I’m a spy”
When told he was dressed as a butcher
He added “I’m a mince Spy”

LAST NIGHT I WAS SHAKEN VIOLENTLY AWAKE

Last night I was shaken violently awake
So I thought it must be an earthquake
But I soon realised as my heart was soaring
It was just my wife telling me I was snoring

ONE DAY ON THE GOLF COURSE

One day on the golf course
I overturned my golf cart
A pretty woman came to assist
And I was attracted from the start
Elizabeth, was very attractive
And didn’t apportion blame
“Are you okay are you hurt?”
she asked “what's your name?”
“It’s Colin and I’m fine” I replied
And she invited me to her villa
which backed onto the course
“I'll help you with the cart later”
“That's kind of you,” I answered,
But my wife wouldn’t like it”
“Oh, come on,” Elizabeth insisted
“Just come in and rest for a bit”
She was very persuasive “okay,”
I agreed, “But my wife won't like it.”
After a stiff drink I said “Thank you
But I must go my wife will be upset.”
“She’ll understand” Elizabeth said
“Because you might have been hurt”
And asked “where is she by the way?”
And I replied “Under the cart!”

A LONELY FARMER DECIDED TO SEE A MOVIE

A lonely farmer decided to see a movie
And take his favourite Cockerel too
But he knew animals weren’t allowed
So he hid him down his pants, out of view
He bought a ticket, and went inside
And sat down next to two old widows
The movie started unbuttoning his fly
So the Cockerel could watch the show
And one widow whispered to the other
“The guy next to me has his thing out”
Her friend replied “Don’t be squeamish
It’s not your first nor the last no doubt,
And I’m sure you’ve seen bigger
When you’re at home watching porn”
“Well I’ve seen bigger” she agreed
“But I’ve not seen one eating my popcorn”

MY FIRST EXPERIENCE OF DRINKING COFFEE

My first experience of drinking Coffee
Was when I was a kid at school
It came in a bottle and tasted foul
“Camp” it was called and wasn’t cool

THEY DO VERY ODD THINGS WITH SPUDS

They do very odd things with spuds
Nowadays some of which seem crazy
When I was young people who didn't
Peel potatoes were regarded as lazy

INTERLOCUTOR RESPONSE

“Is it true if you’re asked a question
You answer with another question?”
A young man asked his new bride
“Who told you that?” she replied

HE DIALED 999

He dialed 999 and said.
“Send an ambulance, my wife is in Labour”
“Is this her first baby?” the operator asked
“No, this is her husband, Trevor”

THE ROADS WERE UNEVEN AND BUMPY

The roads were uneven and bumpy,
Potholed and rutted
Which is no more than what
You come to expect
Of a third world country
Unfortunately I was driving in Surrey

THE OVER 50 EXERCISE PLAN

With a 2kg potato bag in each hand,
Extend your arms straight out from your sides
And hold them there as long as you can.

Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.
Each day you'll find that you can hold
This position for just a bit longer on this plan.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 5kg potato bags.
Then try 25kg potato bags and eventually 50kg bags
When you are ready put a potato in each of the bags.

I DECIDED TO TAKE AN AEROBICS CLASS FOR SENIORS

I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
And I had to gyrate, jump, twist and bend
And I sweated for an hour, but, by the time I got
My leotard on, the class was already at an end

ST PATRICKS DAY FANCY DRESS

My friend asked me
What I was going to be
For St Patricks Day
I said “Drunk will do me”

PEPERAMI IS A BIT OF AN ANIMAL

Peperami is a bit of an animal
Is the pitch the adverts hit
But its animal origins aside
I would like to know “what bit”

A Little Bit Of Humour # 142

I WENT INTO HOSPITAL FOR MINOR SURGERY # 12

I went into hospital for minor surgery
And was fearful the procedure would be a botch
And as I was coming around I heard someone say
“Did anyone see what I did with my watch?”

WHAT NOT TO DO IN HORROR MOVIES # 1

When browsing the occult section
Of the library shelves
Never read aloud from a book
Of demon summoning spells

ARE YOU WEARING A BOILER SUIT?

Are you wearing a boiler suit?
Well it’s not the most flattering wear
But it does have a certain fascination as
I’m fascinated to know what’s under there

WHEN ASKED WHAT HE DID FOR A LIVING # 1

When asked what he did for a living
He replied furtively “I’m a spy”
When told he was dressed as a farmer
He added “I’m a shepherd Spy”

WHEN THE ALLSPICE SINGERS

When the allspice singers
Really went off the rails
Coryanda and star Anise
Had the Pepperatzi on their tails

A TEACHER HELD A SPELLING BEE

A teacher held a spelling bee and asked
“Kyle, how do you spell “crocodile?”“
“K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L” he said
“No, that's not the way to spell Crocodile”
Said the teacher “Maybe it’s wrong, but you
Asked me how I spell it” explained Kyle

THE PREFECT AND THE OIK

“Why are you always such a dirty little oik?”
The prefect asked
“You are the dirtiest pupil by far,
Look at me, I’m always clean and smart”
The boy replied
“I'm closer to the ground than you are”

INTERRUPTING ANNETTE

“Give me a sentence starting with “I”“
The teacher asked young Annette
“I is...” she began but teacher interrupted
“No, always say, “I am”, Annette”
The girl looked puzzled, but complied
“I am the ninth letter of the alphabet”

THE CAT ESSAY

The teacher said “your essay on “My cat”
Is exactly the same as your brother Matt’s,
Did you copy his work for your story?”
“No, miss, but it's the same cat” said Corey

ONE DIRECTION HAVE SPLIT UP

“One Direction” have split up
It seems nothing lasts these days
Ironically all the members
Have gone their separate ways

MY DEAR ELDERLY MOTHER

My dear elderly mother
Suffers with indigestion
Ironically her Gaviscon
Is on a repeat prescription

ARE YOU WEARING SPATS?

Are you wearing spats?
Like some old Chicago gangster
If you were told they were in vogue
Then you’re the butt of a prankster

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 385

“As I was going up the stair
I met a man who wasn't there!
He wasn't there again today,
Damn that was some good Mary J”

BOOTS THE CHEMIST SUNDAY OPENING

11am to 9pm the sign read
But the opening time was well past
And we were left out in the cold
And their apathy left me aghast
The signage needs to be amended
And a new sign should be tasked
Open “When we can be bothered”
Until “We can no longer be asked”

ST PATRICKS DAY IS AN EXCUSE

St Patrick’s Day is an excuse
For girls to dress inappropriately
That’s why St Patrick’s Day
Is the best holiday for me

Tales of Love # 29

OH TO FEEL LOVES EXQUISITE ACHE

Oh to feel loves exquisite ache
To feel that desperate longing
Experiencing that naked want
Of being with them again, and
Feeling so alive in the torment
While craving the next fix
Of that heady foaming brew
Which will satisfy the longing
And quench the thirst of desire.
And when that significant soul
Who holds my captive heart,
Is but a kiss and caress away
I am dragged from sorrows
Unfathomable despairing depths
And bitter anguish evaporates
Like dew under the morning sun
Until euphoria fills every pore
And in that perfect ecstasy
That blissful state of love
I remain until I am once again
Alone with my desperate longing

HAIR OF HENNA

Hair of Henna
Falls untamed
Over pale flesh
Stark in contrast
Like a crimson rose
Against bridal white

WHEN HARRY MET SALLY (Rewrite)

Harry's mind wandered
As he wended his way
Through crowded streets
To a special someone
Anna was his new love
And he would see her that night
As he hurried along
He could smell her hair
Feel the softness of her skin
He could even taste her
And he longed for her
As he remembered
Her smile, her kiss
Her writhing body
Then Harry stepped off the curb
Oblivious to the danger
And was struck
By a car unseen
Tossing him like a rag doll
Depositing him unceremoniously
Between car and gutter

His body lay broken
And bleeding
Where it came to rest
On the unforgiving street
And the last image in his mind
Was not the killer car
But Anna his new love
As his life ebbed away
His heart beat its last
The paramedic's best efforts
Were to no avail

A moment's carelessness
Had cost a young life
And his heart beat no more
In his broken body
But would beat once more
In another's chest
And reanimate
To bring new hope
To rekindle another's existence
Bringing a new beginning for Sally
Who, like a phoenix
Rises from the ashes
Of her frailty at the price
Of another families grief

THE OLD RUSTIC STILE

The old rustic stile
At the end of the lane
Still stands like a memorial
Marking that special place
Where the fates conspired
That our souls should meet
Though on that day
We purposely trod opposing paths
But met at that rustic spot
And to help you cross
I took hold of your hand,
Small and silken soft
Guiding you safely to my side
Where you stood on terra firma
And despite the presence
Of our companions
We were to all intents
Quite alone as we stood
Hand in hand and in the moment
When hand touched hand
We at once beheld
Our lives from that point on
Would be forever altered
Our future journeys
Would be as fellow travellers
And we were content
With a shared destiny

The old rustic stile
At the end of the lane
Stands like a monument
Marking the place of alteration
A significant place
A spiritual place
A place often revisited
And on such sojourns
We find romantic renewal
As the energizing memory
Of that special moment
Of love at first sight
Assails our senses
Essentially invigorating
Like imbibing the waters
From the fountain of youth
And our hearts once again
Resound with joyousness
Sweet moments of romance
Those excited tingles
Of loves first passion
When hearts beat faster
And desire courses
Through every fibre
The thrill of blossoming love
Adding to the strata
Of our love, laid down
Through all our years together
So by returning to the place
Of loves wondrous inception
We keep our love alive
And in equal measure
Love returns the favour