QUEUE JUMPERS

 

Outside a popular night club

A set of jump leads were queuing

The bouncer said, “I'll let you in

As long but don't start anything”

I SAW SOMETHING NOT VERY NICE

I saw something not very nice

A poor old man fell over on the ice

I rushed over to him right away

He was very poor I would say

Lying on the icy ground

His pockets contained about a pound

DOCTOR UPBEAT

 

My Doctor said to me, “Jack

You’re a hypochondriac

You'll live to be 60" I said "I’m 62"

"You see I told you”

DRUNK AT THE BAR

 

A drunk was brought before the judge.

The judge said as he was walked in

"You've been brought before me for drinking."

And the drunk said, "Great, I’ll have a gin"

DARLING, DO I PLEASE YOU IN BED?

 

A wife asked her husband

“Darling, do I please you in bed?”

“Yes, especially when you do that thing

With your mouth” he said

“Do you mean oral sex?

You know that makes me feel cheap”

“No I mean the thing where

You shut up and go to sleep”

 

MARRIAGE DEAL

Marriage is like a pack of cards

In the beginning to make the grade

You need two hearts and a diamond

By the end you want a club and a spade 

WHEN I WAS A BABY

 

When I was a baby

I drank milk

From bottle or breast

 

As boy I drank

Fizzy pop

Limeade was the best

 

When I reached manhood

I discovered beer

I loved a pint of best

 

Now I’m nearing the end

Of my lifelong trip

And all my fluids come

Thru an intravenous drip