I SPOTTED A CHEMISTRY STUDENT

 

I spotted a chemistry student

Entering the toilets, the other day

He washed his hands on the way in

Which is always a dead giveaway

DID YOU HEAR OXYGEN

 

Did you hear oxygen

Is going out with magnesium

The first atom asked

OMg said the second atom

MY TEACHER IS EXTREMELY ANCIENT

My teacher is extremely ancient

But I don’t want to be thought a fool  

But it is the truth as he told us

He taught Shakespeare at his old school

Uncanny Tales – (32) Funereal Finery

Funerals have had an unduly erotic effect upon me since the morning of my grandfather’s funeral in 1963 when I was 13 years old.

I was in Aunt Julie’s bedroom looking to pinch a couple of her cigarettes while she was having a bath, but she finished sooner than I anticipated, so not wishing to get into trouble for stealing, I hid in the wardrobe and watched.

I watched her sitting on the bed as she dried her long brown hair, I looked on  as she stood with her back to me while she dried her curvaceous body and offered tantalizing glimpses of what was hidden from view and because of those glimpses I was sporting a serious woody, and I carried on watching until the moment she turned around and threw the towel on the bed and I saw my first naked woman.

My eyes were like saucers as they were drawn first to her great globular breasts and then down to her curly brown triangle and as I fidgeted in the wardrobe I came in my pants, but that didn’t stop me from continuing to look at her as she first, put on her black suspender belt around her narrow waist followed by black silk French drawers.

Aunt Julie did each item deliciously slowly like she knew she had an audience, next she pulled on the first black stocking up her long slender leg and as she leant forward to fasten the suspender her breasts swung voluptuously.

At the same slow deliberate pace she repeated the process for the second stocking and she stood up after fastening the second suspender and seemed to look straight at me before she harnessed her large round breasts in a black lacy construction and when she had finished fastening her bra I saw the image to which every woman would be subsequently compared.

The addition of an under slip did not diminish my appreciation of her but when the dress went on I knew the show was over.

I had to wait in the wardrobe with sticky pants for another 25 minutes while she applied her makeup until she finally went downstairs, and I could escape my hiding place.

As I got to the door I looked back towards back towards my hiding place and I could see the reason I thought she was looking at me because next to the wardrobe door was a full-length mirror.

CHELSEA FLOWER SHOW

 

At Chelsea my mother

Ran naked thru the judge’s tent

And she won first prize

For the best dry arrangement

MARITAL FORTUNES

 “Would you have married me if

My father hadn't left me a fortune?”   

A newly married man asked his wife,

While they were on honeymoon

She replied sweetly “I'd have married you,

No matter who left you a fortune!”

THE BLACK BOX FLIGHT RECORDER

 

The Black Box flight recorder

Is not black! We have been misled

Why would you call it a “black box”

And then make it orange instead