FRUSTRATED FELINE

 

When your cat has just fallen asleep

Curled on your lap purring contentedly

And looking utterly adorable and sweet

You have to go to the bathroom suddenly

INFORMATION TECHNOLOGY

 

The information you have is not what you want

The information you want is not what you require

The information you require is not what you can get

The information you can get costs more than you desire

LEGAL ARGUMENT’S

 

You must argue the facts when the law is against you

You must argue the law when the facts are against you

Call the other lawyer names when both are against you

AND HOW ARE YOU TODAY?

 

I remember many years ago in the days of Saturday night variety when the TV schedules weren’t filled with programs comprising almost totally of has-beens and nobodies.

The has-beens trying to rekindle their flagging careers by humiliating themselves on national TV by performing like tamed circus animals and the nobodies humiliating themselves through a lack of any kind of talent on an endless stream of repackaged 21^st century “Talent” shows.

One of the great shows of those far off days was The Two Ronnie’s and the reason it has come to mind is one particular gag which was one of the items in their regular closing routine when they would read out spoof news items. Now the one that has come to mind is about a woman who raised a family one handed while waiting for directory enquires.

Well, I know that the old and much maligned directory enquires no longer exist and that we now have a myriad of enquiry services which were set up to break BT’s monopoly which in all honesty has done no one much of a service at all.

In fact, they just seem to exist to add to the ever-growing number of call centres, which have pervaded our everyday lives there should be enough to keep our 21^st century gag writers busy for years.

Waiting for British Gas to phone back for example in fact waiting for British Gas to anything should furnish enough humour for a mini series.

Of course, the new curse of the age is the overseas call center chiefly the Indian variety.

I had a call yesterday from a young woman who spoke like Madur Jaffrey and claimed to be named Jane Smith.

Now I come to mention it there was a Jane smith who accompanied the Jon Pertwee incarnation of Dr Who perhaps it was here.

I’ve also been called, in the last two weeks, by Andy, Steve, Jason, Michael and Owen then only ten minutes ago by Rachel Hunter.

I don’t know what she was selling I just said if you’re Rachel Hunter then I’m Pierce Brosnan and hung up.

I have heard, although it could just be an urban myth, that the staff has daily briefing where they get updated on the UK weather forecast, news bulletins and the current plot lines of Eastenders and Coronation Street.

Now I struggle to follow Enders and Corrie myself so I cant imagine it makes any sense at all if you haven’t seen it.

All of this does seem to beg the question that if there is nothing fundamentally wrong with operating call center’s overseas why do they go to such great lengths to convince us they are somewhere in Britain.

ASK A STUPID QUESTION # 2

 

I walked past a homeless man

As I went into Co-op express

On my way out he said, “Any Change?”

I replied “No, you're still homeless”

THE GIFT THAT JUST KEEPS GIVING

Doctors have found a type of food

Which leaves an ache

And causes grief and suffering

Years after we partake

It has now been identified

As wedding cake

CREATURES OF GREEK MYTHOLOGY – SPHINX

 

There was a dreadful union between the giant immortal Typhon

And the black fearful eyed Echidne, half serpent, half woman

The Sphinx was the bizarre result of this most Unnatural union

And it had the body of a lion and the upper parts of a woman

She also had the wings of an eagle as well as the tail of a serpent

And guarding the entrance to Thebes was how Her time was spent

Any traveler who wanted to enter Thebes had to first get past her

And to do that She would ask them a riddle that they had to figure

If the travelers were able to figure out the riddle, they had to try

They would pass safely by and she would by her own hand die

But if they were unable to figure out the riddle, they were given

They would not pass safely by and she would devour them then

Then One day on the road to Thebes the Sphinx met with Oedipus

And the Sphinx duly set him her complex riddle, which went thus

'So, what creature walks on four in the morning on two by day

And on three in the evening?' you must answer to pass by this way

Oedipus thought for a while, and then said the answer was known

'It is a man. When he’s a baby, he crawls on four, When full grown

He walks on two, and when he is an old man, he leans on a staff.'

With that said she let out a terrible scream like an hysterical laugh

Then the Sphinx threw herself to her death from atop the Acropolis

And wise Oedipus was then granted entrance to Thebes forthwith