PHILOSOPHICAL

 

Philosophy has often been used to measure

Presence, existence, or extent of civilization

Philosophers seek knowledge using abstracts

As well as established rational investigation

To give you a fore taste of philosophical life

Here are a just few gems to get you through

One-seventh of your life is spent on Monday

Or maybe Indecision is the key to flexibility

The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant

Happiness is merely the remission of misery

I have seen the truth and it makes no sense

This is as bad as it can get, but don't bet on it

Or sometimes too much drink is not enough.

I hope these have set your mind at rest a bit

MEDICAL TRAINING

Even a Native American medicine man

Or a witch-doctoring quack

Cannot tell which way the train went

Just by looking at the track

MANDLESON THE FIRST

 

When the champagne socialists came to power

They would have liked the queen put in the tower

But in order to get their changes to the lords

A compromise was required of the Blairite hordes

A deal was struck to keep the Queen on the throne

But Liz wanted the decree in words of her own

Mandy said, “look sweetheart read it as written

And you keep the castle and stay Queen of Britain"

ISN’T LOVE GRAND?

 

Love is grand and that’s the truth

But divorce is fifty grand - struth

MORE TO BE PITIED THAN SCOLDED

In this world some people are very selfish

Who consider no one else in the world at all

I am thinking of one particular individual

I encountered at the Methodist church hall

I was there to drop my son to beaver scouts

And he his daughter to dance class in the hall

It was the first time our paths had crossed

This is the sequence of events as I can recall

He was blocking the entrance to the car park

His car was sat right in the middle first of all

As there is only one entrance to the church

The local traffic had soon slowed to a crawl

It was a puzzle why he’d stopped it seemed 

For no apparent reason as far as I could see

He was oblivious to the sound of car horns

Or ironic cheers as he moved off eventually

He was so arrogant or so stupid that he made

No acknowledgement of his transgression

A tuneless chorus of car horns continued

Noisily expressing our anger and frustration

He then proceeded slowly to the car park

I swear he was driving as slowly as possible

He parked his car in such a way as to occupy

Two spaces and render a third inaccessible

Then finally our paths crossed again inside

In the small cafeteria where his wife and he

Sat at one table while filling another one

With bags and coats to add insult onto injury

My feelings towards him were, I must confess

Of a very unchristian nature I must concede

Though I feel no guilt for my feelings at all

After all he was a very selfish bastard indeed

 

 

WMD

 

The weapons of mass destruction

Have been with us for many years

Weapons of such devastation

They’re beyond your darkest fears

After years of fruitless search

Discovery’s still not on the brink

So why look in the deserts of Iraq 

They’re much closer than you think

An old woman of my acquaintance

Makes them in a flat in Basingstoke

Such foul diabolical substances

And concoctions to make you choke

Among the many illegal weapons

That terrorists are now sampling

The most dangerous in her arsenal 

Is the evil bacon and onion dumpling

Such an innocent recipe you think

But so dangerous it has been proved

Even the most sophisticated oven

Sighs in relief as the dish is removed

As if this were not deadly enough

Special bran gravy is served with it

To compliment the steaming dumpling

While keeping the victim’s bowels fit

After its consumption you sit dazed

Semi-conscious and bloated vastly

Can weapons of mass destruction

Ever possibly be quite this ghastly

THERE IS KNOWLEDGE I NEED TO KNOW # 7

 

There is knowledge I need to know

I’m sorry I don’t mean to blether

But how does the snowplough driver

Get to work in the winter weather