SOME PEOPLE COME INTO OUR LIVES

 

Some people come into our lives

And leave footprints on our hearts

Others tread softly leaving no traces

 

But then there are the ones

On who you want to leave boot prints

All over their stupid faces

MY JOB’S WORSE THAN PRISON

When you’re in prison

                  You’re in a cell twenty-three hours a day

But if you’re at work

                  You’re trapped in a cubicle to earn your pay

When you’re in prison

                  For being good you get time off I’m assured

But if you’re at work

                  And you’re good more work is your reward

When you’re in prison

                  You’re given three square meals a day

But if you’re at work

                  Even if you get lunch you have to pay

When you’re in prison

                  The wardens are often mean in the nick

But if you’re at work

                  It’s the managers who are equally sadistic

When you’re in prison

                  You get privacy with a toilet all to yourself

But if you’re at work

                  You have to share with every bugger else

When you’re in prison

                  Guard lock and unlock all the doors for you

But if you’re at work

                  Your never alone as cameras have you in view

When you’re in prison

                  You can watch TV or play games if you care
But if you’re at work

                  You can get the sack for just playing solitaire

When you’re in prison

                  They let your family come and visit regularly
But if you’re at work

                  You can’t even telephone to friends or family

YOU’RE NEVER TOO OLD

 

Mavis and Maude were two sisters, spinsters and twinned

Who had reached retirement age having never ever sinned

Mavis went to the family doctor for a routine examination

When she had the notion for some carnal experimentation

She suggested to the family doctor as he was in the vicinity

That she would be very grateful if he took away her virginity

He said it was improper and he’d be struck off if he complied

But Mavis begged him and the doctor reluctantly obliged

On returning home she told Maude what it was she had done

Mavis explained to her sister that sex wasn’t dirty it was fun

She explained it was the most fantastic experience of delight

And the climax was like ten thousand doves all taking flight

Maude felt disgust when she first heard of Mavis’s carnal act

But on her sisters advise she thought I’ll have some of that

She took herself to the doctor and made to him her plea

Saying “What you did to Mavis I want you to do it to me”

Once again, the reluctant doctor offered strong resistance

But finally, she won, and he gave in to Maude’s persistence

Maude was then unsure and wondered what she’d begun

Mavis was wrong about sex it was dirty, and it wasn’t fun 

During the carnal act the doctor went to work down below

“You dirty man you dirty beast” she said “Oh there they go”

DEFINING AGAIN

 

Have you ever heard of a conductor getting disconcerted?

Can a doctor be patient? Or can teachers be detested?

If it’s at all possible for you too ever delight an electrician

It should be possible to discourage the cowardly lion

Also dishearten the tin man and the Scarecrow remind

So can lawyers be disbarred, or the lawbreaker be defined

Can cowboys be deranged, or married people be decoupled?

If pigs can’t make a sound have, they become disgruntled?

I HAVE A PROBLEM DOCTOR

When you go to see your local practice doctor

A “jack of all trades” or general practitioner

And it’s not obvious what it is that’s ailing you

The doctor will plump for a new stain of flu

 

Perhaps after a cursory examination of a joint

A prescription for some preparation to anoint

Or after writing something illegible in your file

They will suggest that you join a gym for awhile

 

Or after an examination of your chest or throat

A prescription for some linctus will get his vote

Though more likely the solution to your choking

Will be for you to immediately give up smoking

 

Now no matter what ails you one thing is clear

One of the things that you are guaranteed to hear

As they talk down to you saying “don’t make a fuss”

It’s nothing to worry about at all its just a virus 

THE UNKINDEST CUT OF ALL

 

I have always had lead in my pencil

I was always known to be quite “furtil”

With six kids already I’m at the stage

As my wife and I reach middle age

To take drastic action don’t you see?

Because it’s time to have a vasectomy

And now I’ve had my prowess stunted

You might say my pencils been blunted

THE OLD BANGER

 

The old banger

Wouldn’t start this morning

It wasn’t too long after

The day was dawning

I just kept trying

Over and over

But I couldn’t

Get her to turn over

Until eventually

With a cough and a fart

I managed to get

The old thing to start

Though not working

On full power

She got out of bed

And went in the shower