DIVIDING OPINION

 

Because of the obvious risk

That one of us might fall

I had a stair lift fitted

Which I don’t mind at all

But my wife says that its

Driving her up the wall

DANCING TO HIP HOP

 

I like breakin’ and poppin’

And dancing to Hip hop

At Sixty I should be stoppin’

As I’m down for a Hip op

GERIATRIC DOCTOR

The Doctor on the geriatric ward

Placed his stethoscope

On the chest of an elderly patient

By the name of Mrs Hope

 

She was quite a bit deaf

So, he said “big breaths,” loudly

“Well Doctor they used to be,”

Mrs Hope replied proudly

FOR MY 60TH BIRTHDAY

 

For my 60th birthday

I bought myself a sports car

It’s my pride and joy

Not that’s it’s been very far

As there is a slight problem

An oversight I have to admit

I need a hip replacement

Before I can get in it

SENIOR BUFFER

 

I went into PC World

With a print error

And their solution

Filled me with terror

 

The spotty youth

On his help desk stint

Said I had to

Control P to print

FAREWELL TO YOUTH

 

I’m getting old

My youth has been relinquished

I’m told my grey hair

Makes me look distinguished

The sad truth is

My ego has been extinguished

WHEN MY GRAN GOT OUT OF BED # 3

 

When my Gran got out of bed

After bedding one of her chaps

She felt pains down below

Coz she was standing on her flaps

I HAVE FOUND AT MY AGE

 

I have found at my age

When the day is dawning

The easiest thing in the world

Is to roll out of bed in the morning

Getting up off the floor however

Really leaves me yarning

WHEN MY GRAN GOT OUT OF BED # 2

 

When my Gran got out of bed

After one too many tipples

She didn’t even notice that she

Was standing on her nipples

MEMORY MAN

 

I remember the words

To every number one

Since 1968

Every single one

But for some reason,

Not that anyone cares,

I can’t remember why

I walked up the stairs

WHEN MY GRAN GOT OUT OF BED # 1

 

When my Gran got out of bed

And suddenly felt chest pain

She knew that she had only

Stood on her nipples again

OCTOGENARIAN CUDDLE

 

Eighty-year-old Ada

Said to husband Hugh

Cuddle up to me

Like you used to do

 

So, he did, and she said

“That’s lovely dear”

Then she said to him

“Now nibble my ear”

 

And he got out of bed

"Where are you goin’?"

She asked her husband

"To put me teeth back in!"

THERE’S LIFE IN THIS OLD DOG YET

 

There’s life in this old dog yet

I don’t even think about my age

Once a week me and my friends

Go out and paint the town beige

HOW OLD WAS YOUR HUSBAND?

 

“How old was your husband?”

Asked the undertaker

“He was “96,” she replied

“I’m two years older”

 

“Wow! So you’re 98

That’s amazing Mrs Boone”

Then he continued

“I will see you again quite soon”

NEWS FLASH

 

News flash:

Wrinkles don't hurt.

That’s the buzz

It’s knowing that

You have them

That does

SENIOR REVELATION

 

One day you look in the mirror

And beneath the lathers

You realize that the face

You are shaving is your fathers

SEND FOR THE UNDERTAKER

 

Oh God I feel so old

Just send for the undertaker 

I’ve started making the same noises

As my coffee maker

IN THE AUTUMN OF MY YEARS

 

In the autumn of my years

In the twilight of the setting suns

Will I become that which I despise?

A burden to my loved ones

A MEDICAL MIRACLEA MEDICAL MIRACLE - The alphabet of doom

The alphabet of doom

 

(I’m)

Arthritic,

Bronchial,

Calloused,

(And)

Decaying,

 

Exitial,

Flatulent,

Gaseous,

(And)

Haemorrhoidal,

 

Incontinent,

Jaundiced,

Knackered,

Liver spotted,

(And)

Myopic,

 

Neuralgic,

Overdue,

Preoperative,

(And)

Queasy,

 

Rheumatic,

Shaky,

Tremulous,

Unviable,

(And)

Viral,

 

(A)

Worrywart,

Xanthochroic,

Yellow

(And)

Zeroed
(And that’s on a good day)

 

(I’m)

Arthritic,

Bronchial,

Calloused,

(And)

Decaying,

 

Exitial,

Flatulent,

Gaseous,

(And)

Haemorrhoidal,

 

Incontinent,

Jaundiced,

Knackered,

Liver spotted,

(And)

Myopic,

 

Neuralgic,

Overdue,

Preoperative,

(And)

Queasy,

 

Rheumatic,

Shaky,

Tremulous,

Unviable,

(And)

Viral,

 

(A)

Worrywart,

Xanthochroic,

Yellow

(And)

Zeroed
(And that’s on a good day)

MEDICAL MIRACLE

 

I’ve avoided most diseases

Nature has deployed

But I’m suffering the effects

Of a life well enjoyed

Now I keep twenty doctors

Gainfully employed