COMFORTING THE TEACHER

 

Something upset

My English teacher

So I said to comfort her

“There, their, they’re”

THE WISDOM OF MY YOUTH # 1

 

When I was a child 

I thought my teacher was alright

Because she cried

When the class sang “Silent Night”

WHEN I WAS AT SCHOOL

 

When I was at school

Our English teacher, Mrs Rowan

Once asked of us as homework,

During the half term holiday

To memorize our favourite poem,

This was met by groans,

By the class, but not me

I chose A.E.Housman’s

“Ode to an athlete dying young”

And it has stayed with me ever since

I LOST MY THESAURUS TODAY

 

I lost my thesaurus today

It was after the exam

I can’t find the words to describe

How upset I am

ARE YOU WEARING A REUNION BADGE?

 

Are you wearing a reunion badge?

No wonder you look depressed

Steer clear of the class reunion

It will just leave you distressed

I know it was a bit of fun looking

At the old school year books

But going will just make you feel

Older than everyone else looks

MEMOIR OF A NORTH LONDON SCHOOL BOY # 2

“That billy goat’s beard looks like Palmer’s fanny” Wendy said out of the blue and giggled

“What?” I said taken by surprise

“Who’s? Rich asked

We were sitting at the back of Mr Cooke’s 4^th year biology class.

It was the first class after lunch, and we were watching a very boring natural history film about mounting goats.

Rich and I had taken second sitting dinners which consisted of liver and bacon whereas Wendy’s lunch was made up largely of cider.

“Claire Palmers fanny looks like that” she said and pointed at a large brown goat on the screen.

“Seriously?” Rich said

“But she’s so small” I said irrelevantly

Claire Palmer was the smallest girl in our year by a distance, small and plain with straight lank hair and a freckled complexion, looking back she always looked like she should have been a year or two behind us, but I guess she stopped growing when her pubic hair started. 

I’d known her since junior school, but she was the quiet shy type, and I don’t think she said more than a few words to me in all that time.

To be truthful she wasn’t really on my radar but at that moment she had become significantly more interesting.

“She’s the hairiest girl in our year” Wendy continued

“What’s yours like?” I asked taking advantage of her alcohol induced indiscretion.

“Ask him” she said nodding in Rich’s direction

“You’ve been in Wendy’s drawers?” I asked shocked and a bit jealous, not because I fancied Wendy, but I hadn’t been in anyone’s pants except my own.

Rich just blushed, so I punched him hard the arm.

I couldn’t believe he’d had his digits among Wendy’s ginger pubes and furthermore that he hadn’t told me all about it.

He was my best mate after all.

But he was such a drip and he’d scored before me.

“Linda McLean’s got a corker though” Wendy said a little too loud as Linda turned around and looked at me.

 

As we were walking to the next lesson Wendy suddenly felt sick and went off to throw up, Rich had French in the annex, and I had German in the main block and it was when I was on my own that I felt a tug on my jacket sleeve.

“What were you lot talking about in Biology?” A girl asked

When I turned around, I saw it was Linda McLean with a frown on her face

I liked Linda even though she was completely flat up top, but I had to admit I liked her even more after finding out she was more substantially equipped down below.

“What?” I said

“What were you saying about me in biology?” she asked forcefully

“We were talking about the flicks” I lied “Rich wanted to see “Rio Lobo”, John Wayne’s latest and Wendy fancied “Love Story”

“I heard my name mentioned” she continued

I shuffled my feet as I struggled to find an answer

“Well, um…. “I mumbled “I said I was going to ask you to the flickers, and Wendy said “Great idea Linda’s a corker”

She didn’t speak for a moment then she said

“Well, are you going to ask me then?”

 

That Saturday night on the back row of the ABC Muswell Hill I confirmed Wendy’s assessment that it was indeed a corker, and I was left to speculate that if little Claire Palmer was considerably more luxuriant down below than Linda then she must have to wear bigger knickers.

MEMOIR OF A NORTH LONDON SCHOOL BOY # 1

 

It was a blistering hot day in 1969 when the third year of Secondary school started, and Alexander Park Comprehensive School was heaving with familiar faces. 

It had only been called Alexandra Park as long as I had been going there, before that it was Cecil Rhodes Secondary but as Haringey was such a racially mixed borough political correctness reared its ugly head and the name was changed.

And the racial mix of the area was reflected in the student body, in fact assembly was like a session at the United Nations.

There was however one noticeable absentee in form that morning, Winifred Bliss, and it was noticeable because she was a foulmouthed gobby cow.

She was West Indian, though I don’t know which island, she didn’t really communicate with the white kids other than to tell you to fuck off.

Our form tutor Mrs Holiday told us that Winifred would not be returning to the school though she would not elaborate as to why.

Obviously by lunchtime rumours abounded as to her whereabouts but it wasn’t until we had drama with Mr Dickens that the truth surfaced.

He stood up in front of the class

“There is some very foolish talk around the school regarding Winifred Bliss” he announced

“So, I have decided to tell you the truth”

The class fell silent and waited with bated breath, for what seemed like an eternity.

“Winifred was arrested by the police during the summer holidays” He said

“What for sir?” Mario asked

“For sleeping with boys” he answered

Sleeping with boys, I thought, what’s wrong with that, though I didn’t say it out loud as everyone else in the class was nodding sagely like they understood,

But I didn’t, my brother and I often shared a bed with our cousins, and they were girls, but they didn’t get arrested.

I never voiced my confusion to anyone about Winifred Bliss or the fact I used to get a stiffy when I shared a bed with my cousins.

A few months later the penny finally dropped regarding the significance of the phrase “Sleeping with boys”.

ABSENTEE (ACROSTICS)

 

Sarah was absent last week because she had an

Illness fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach.

Catherine, her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat,

Kenny, her brother had a low-grade fever and ached all over.

Nor was I the best either, 

Over come with a sore throat and fever.

There must be something going around,

Even her father got hot last night.

BAD SCHOOL DAY

 

When I was at school

When I was just a lad

What was embarrassing

And made me very sad

Was the day I called

The history teacher dad

EXCUSE MISS

Reading these excuse notes written to schools

You would think them maybe written by fools

Teachers will view these examples with disgust

I.e., Tom was absent because he missed his bust

Some are misspelled some are worse moreover

Gill was absent yesterday as she had a gangover

Dear Skool, Please ekscuse John Bird

For being absent from the 28^th to the 33^rd 

My son is under a doctor's care and so Jim

Should not take PE today. Please execute him

John has been absent from the school place

Because he had two teeth taken out of his face

Carlos was absent yesterday because to start

While playing he was hurt in the growing part 

Dear school Please excuse Gloria Palmer-King

From Jim class today because She is administrating

Please excuse my daughter little Lisa Trott

For being absent, she was sick and I had her shot

Please excuse Roland from PE for today

He fell from a tree and misplaced his hip, yesterday

Megan could not come to school (the note explains)

Because she has been bothered by very close veins

Dear Skool about my son Christopher Hyde

He’ll not be in school cus he has an acre in his side

Can you Please excuse my son Ray Howell’s

From school today because He has very loose vowels

Please excuse Tommy for being absent this week

But he’s had bad Diarrhoea and his boots leak

Sally won't be in school a week from Friday

We have to attend her funeral on that day

Please excuse the absence of Jason Cromwell

Yesterday He had a cold and could not breed well

My daughter was too tired for school it seems

That She spent a weekend with the Marines

Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday

Because She was in bed with gramps all day

Please excuse my daughter Martina Proctor

Because she has been sick under the doctor

Just one more excuse that’s worth its salt

Please excuse Tim for being. It was his father's fault

ANSWER THIS TOMMY

 

The Teacher asks one of the class clowns

"Can you give me three collective nouns?"

Tommy replies in keeping with his demeanour

"Flypaper, wastebasket, and vacuum cleaner"

AT THE SCHOOL GATE

 

A leafy suburban avenue

Nice and quiet as a rule

But this peaceful avenue

Leads to a junior school

Alone or in twos and threes

They begin to arrive

Up the road in time

For home time at three oh five

In variety they gather

Mostly mums or minders

Aunts or siblings

And dads in growing numbers

Some arrive on foot

But mostly they have a ride

Some plod wearily

While others proudly stride

An illegally parked parent

Falls foul of the law

And the language matches

From the driver’s door

The throng of adults

Arranged about the gate

Gossip and chat idly

While they stand and wait

The door bursts open

And boisterous kids spill out

Some crane neck to see

While others give a shout

Some appear dishevelled

And others prim and neat

Untucked clothes

And laces flap about their feet

Some run to the gate

Others trudging and lagging

With coats or bags following

Behind them dragging

The children drawn like moths

Towards the light

Amidst the heaving throng

The families reunite

Occasionally one’s dispatched

At a parent’s behest

To retrieve forgotten items,

A lunch box or a vest

Not all the children leave

At home time though

Some stay an hour or two

Before its time to go

Working parents

Unable to find someone to sub

Need to send their children

To after school club

In minutes the disgorging mass

Drifts from the gate

The crowd dispersing

As a stream of cars evacuate

It came like a tornado

Who’s sound assaults the ear

Then once more returned

To peaceful leafy suburbia

WE LEARNED ABOUT FOOD GROUPS TODAY AT SCHOOL

We learned about food groups today at school

Confections, vegetables, meat and protein

Dairy, fruits, grains, pulses and legumes

But what about Alcohol, Nicotine and Caffeine

ABORT ABORT

 

Soppy Susie the vacuous blonde student

Was sat in class trying to make the grade

When the teacher asked her if she knew

What the decision was in Roe Vs Wade

 

Finally, she thought she had the answer

After quite a while of just sitting there

“It’s the decision George Washington

Made before he crossed the Delaware.”

HOGWARTS ISN’T A PERFECT SCHOOL # 1

Hogwarts isn’t a perfect school

Because there’s a lot of bullying

They really try to keep them out

But somehow, they still Slytherin

FINDING THE NEW WORLD

Maria was asked by the teacher
To go to the map and find America
The girl walked to the map and pointed
“Here it is miss this is America”
“Well done, now class who can tell me
Who discovered America?”
Immediately a boys hand shot in the air
“That’s easy miss it was Maria”

SAY IT AINT SO

“What is the chemical formula for water?”
The science teacher said to young Joe
Joe confidently stood up and replied
H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O,
“That’s not even close” the teacher shouted
Joe said “Last week you said it was H to O”