MALE BAGS

 

Ziploc bags are male

Certain of that I certainly am

Because they hold everything in,

But you can see right through them.

IF YOU’VE BEEN LOOKING FOR

If you’ve been looking for

A committed man for ions,

You should have started

In the mental institution

THE LYNX EFFECT

 

I bought some new Aftershave,

You should try it

It smells of sunflower seeds

The birds really love it

THE PERFECT WOMAN

 

The perfect woman

Doesn’t fart

Like a trumpet sounding

But rather it is released

Like she’s gently sighing

 

The perfect woman

Doesn’t belch

Out the word Bulawayo

But rather releases it

Behind her hand delicately

 

The perfect woman

Doesn’t sweat

Or anything like as vulgar

If they overheat

The darlings just perspire

 

The perfect woman

Doesn’t swear

Only shit and maybe bloody

If they stub their toe

Its sod it or even buggeration

 

The perfect woman

Doesn’t exist

They fart and blame the cat

They belch and blame the food

They sweat and blame the change

They swear and blame the man

MACHISMO

 

Sharpening a pencil with a knife

Makes you feel quite macho

And prodding a fire with a stick

Makes you feel manly also

RIGHT THERE

 

When you are a man

You do things out of habit

If it itches, it will be scratched

We do that so live with it

ASK MRS P

The Women who are

Seeking equality

With men are

Lacking ambition sadly

SHORT BLONDE

 

I suppose I’ve often thought

Why blonde jokes are so short?

They would say in their wisdom

It’s so men can remember them.

SEXUAL POLITICS # 1

Never argue with a woman

Is a rule that’s tried and tested

Never argue with a woman

When she's tired or even rested

EYE CANDY

 

If you are the type of woman

Who abhors being ogled by men

Then just remember this adage

When your next ogled by men

It’s far better to be looked over

Than overlooked - so think again

IN THE MOOD

Not wishing to be rude

But men only have one mood

One mood how sublime

One mood all the bloody time

IT'S GREAT TO BE A MAN

 

It's Great to Be a Man when

We are in need of refreshment

Because we never have to drive

To another service establishment

Because the toilets at the last one

Smelt just a little bit unpleasant

THE WAY TO A MANS HEART

 

The quickest way to a man's heart

Isn’t through his stomach for a start

Those old wive’s tales are not facts

Go through his chest, with a big axe.

WONDER WOMAN

 

I wonder, is a woman like a condom?

Well similarities there are some

Like spending more time in your wallet

Than on your manhood I would bet

COMPUTER SPOUSE

 

My husband is like

A computer unfortunately

He’s out of date

And hasn’t got enough memory

THE UNKINDEST CUT OF ALL

 

I have always had lead in my pencil

I was always known to be quite “furtil”

With six kids already I’m at the stage

As my wife and I reach middle age

To take drastic action don’t you see?

Because it’s time to have a vasectomy

And now I’ve had my prowess stunted

You might say my pencils been blunted

ON THE OTHER FOOT

 

Now a shoe is without any doubt male

The reason for this I will now detail

Men are usually unpolished like a shoe

And with their tongues hanging out too

KIDNEYS

Kidneys are obviously females I’d say

And the simple reason is this way

Because, and this is a trait of theirs

They always go to the loo in pairs

WELL THAT’S THE RUB

 

Why do women, just as a new day is dawning?

Rub their eyes when they get up in the morning

It’s because they have nothing worth scratching

TWO LOVELY BLACK EYES

 

When George arrived at work on Monday morning

Both of his eyes are blacked to his friend’s surprise

His friend looked at him in disbelief and then asked

“George how the hell did you get two black eyes?”

“It was as I was walking up some steps yesterday

And in front of me was a pretty girl, if a little stout

And I noticed her dress was tucked in her knickers”

“Well,” He said, “I just reached up and pulled it out.”

“Well, that explains one black eye, but how on earth 

Did you get the other one?” He asked with a grin

George said, “Well I assumed she wanted it that way

So, I reached up with my finger and poked it back in.”