HELP LINE

 

I phoned the incontinence help line today

“I’m Mrs. Brown, can you help me pray”

“Where are you ringing from Mrs. Brown”?

I of course replied “from the waist down”

I WISH TO COMPLAIN

 

“I wish to complain” the woman growled

The manager said, “How can I help you”?

“There is a puddle on the bathroom floor

What are you going to do?”

The manager with a smile replied

“I’ll have the maid mop it up for you,

And if it’s any consolation, I have three sons

And there’s always a puddle in our loo”

CHIRPY, CHIRPY CHEEP, CHEEP

Why do men whistle?

Chirrup chirp and cheep

When they are sitting

On the toilet seat

They seem to whistle through

Every strain and gripe

Does it help them remember?

Which end they need to wipe

EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON # 2

 

“Everything happens for a reason”

Not a very appropriate old refrain

When you think you’re going to fart

And you follow through on the train

AT MY ADVANCED AGE # 2

 

At my advanced age I find

I am surprised by something

The presence of public toilets

Are worryingly comforting

THE FIRST SIGN IS FORGETTING NAMES

 

The first sign is forgetting names

And that really makes you frown

Then you forget to pull your flies up

Finally, you forget to pull it down

EVERY MORNING LIKE CLOCKWORK

 

Every morning like clockwork

I have a healthy bowel movement

At 6 o’clock without exception, but

I don’t wake until well after the event

I KNOW THIS TO BE TRUE

 

I know this to be true

In the early morning gloom

No child will ever

Throw up in the bathroom

WHAT A WASTE

 

Why in this modern world of computerisation

After thousands of years of advanced civilization

We haven’t shown any significant improvement

In the effective disposal of human excrement

WIND BREAKER

 

When women break wind

The smell isn’t offensive to noses

Their farts smell more, they claim

Of lavender or roses

TOILET TRICK

 

Next time you’re in a public toilet

There is a trick that you might try

Wait until you have a crowd and drop

A marble saying "oh shit! My glass eye!"

CLEAR RICHARD

To clear the men’s lavatory

Two words will do the trick

Just walk slowly and look

Then simply say “nice dick”

CONVENIENT CONVERSE

 

I was relieving myself

In the middle receptacle

When I heard a voice say

From the left-hand cubicle

"Damn, this water's cold."

And from the right cubicle

I heard another voice say

“Yes, and its deep as well”

IT'S GREAT TO BE A MAN

 

It's Great to Be a Man when

We are in need of refreshment

Because we never have to drive

To another service establishment

Because the toilets at the last one

Smelt just a little bit unpleasant

AND REX TIS’ YOU

 

Instructions printed on toilet paper

Is really the daftest caper

But reading the instructions

Is an even dafter aberration

And then when you’re reading

You find that you’re actually learning

But the daftest one of them all

Is when you suddenly feel small

And you realize that all along

You have been doing something wrong

PERSONAL HYGIENE

 

The instructions

On my new stick deodorant read

Remove cap

And push up bottom. It said

I complied with the instructions

And it made my eyes water

I had difficulty walking

I had to grip my buttocks taughter

But when I had to fart

I did so quite softly

And noticed at once

That the room smelt lovely

OH DEAR WHAT CAN THE MATTER BE

Oh dear what can the matter be

Three old ladies locked in the lavatory

And it all happened last Saturday

And nobody knew they were there

 

The first old lady was totally batty

And she was in there each Saturday

As I say she was really quite batty

And nobody cared she was there

 

The second old lady said sweetly

“I’m no lady oh how you flatter me”

I’ve not been here before on a Saturday

And we were surprised she was there

 

The third old lady was an anomaly

He was a man called Ian from Battersea

He didn’t even know it was Saturday

And didn’t know why he was there

AT YOUR CONVENIENCE AGAIN

 

Watch the Absentminded man

When your need to visit the gents

Because he will unzip his jacket

Take out his tie and pee in his pants

AT YOUR CONVENIENCE

Beware the Cross-eyed man in the gents

Because if he looks at the left-hand urinal

He will urinate in the centre one instead 

And then he’ll flush the right-hand stall 

LET YOUR WIND GO FREE

WINDY WILL

Blow, blow thou inner wind -
Thou art so unkind
As man's flatulence
Thy toot is not so keen,
Because thou art not seen,
Although thy breath be rude

UNCONTAINABLE

The fetor of the sewerage farm
With its strong offensive smell
Could not be easily confined
Behind the high palings of its cell

A TRIBUTE TO LE PÉTOMANE

I got the tell tale sign
As I was stood in crowd
And I knew its containment
Would not be aloud
So what should I do?
Release a silent gaseous cloud
And slowly move away
Or just let rip long and loud
A fart of which
Le Pétomane would be proud

TRAPPED WIND

You feel the gripey twinge
Your tummy starts to grown
It always happens in the lift
When you’re not alone

You know it wont be held
You just hope there is time
To get off the lift
Before you commit the crime

And just when you think
You cant hold it anymore
The lift comes to a stop
Though its not your floor

But you decide to get off
As you cant hold it anymore
And release a quiet fart
As you step through the door

You sigh with relief
You made it just in time
And then the doors closes
On the scene of the crime

And even though
You’re on the wrong floor
You know your smelly fart
Is the otherside of the door

CALL FOR SETH

If you need a job doing
Then you need Seth
He is cold, deadly
And as ruthless as MacBeth
He strikes with a deadly puff
A foul satisfying breath
He is the flatulator
The noxious dealer of death

NOT WHAT IT SEEMS

Just because when you fart
It sounds like an angels breath
It doesn’t mean for a moment
That it will not smell like death

A FORCE OF NATURE

It may be like fabric tearing
Or maybe gunfire shooting
It maybe like a trumpet sounding
Or some other musical tooting

It may be like a despairing sigh
Or like a balloon deflating
It maybe like a duck quacking
Or some small mamals mating

But whether loud or soft
Short or long, musical or flat
There’s one thing for sure
You can’t keep it in so that’s that

AN AIR OF DISAPPROVAL

I am not embarrassed
When the trumpet sounds
Like when Joshua brought
Jericos walls falling down

But my wife feel differently
And her face does frown
When I happen to loudly fart
As we are walking in town