FAIRY TALE STATISTIC

 

Here’s a Statistic

That’s really crappy

6 out of 7 dwarves

Really aren’t Happy

SNOW WHITE AND THE SEVEN DAY WEEK

 

On Monday Snow White feels Sneezy

On Tuesday she’s feeling grumpy

By Wednesday she feels Dopey

And On Thursday she’s feeling Bashful

On Friday Snow White feels Happy

And On Saturday she feels Sleepy

But on Sunday when she wants a rest

Then Doc gets inside her vest

HEIGH-HO, HEIGH-HO

 

Heigh-ho, Heigh-ho

It's off to work we go

Well, we don’t exactly work at night

We just Pimp out Snow White

ORIGINAL FAIRY TALES

 

Original Fairy Tales

Were not devised

To scare children

And inform them

That monsters existed

Children already knew

There were monsters

What Fairy Tales did

Was to teach children

That monsters

Could be beaten

 

WHAT A DAY

 

On Monday he was grumpy

He was happy on Tuesday

So, God knows what kind

Of a dwarf he’ll be today

HE KISSED LIFE INTO HER

 

He kissed life into her,

Like a prince of old

Dispelling everlasting slumber

In a Fairy story often told

When Sleeping Beauty

Woke from her trance

To gaze into the eyes of love

And then forever dance

 

A SMALL STATISTIC

 

Here is a statistic

That is a bit crappy

Only one in seven dwarves

Are actually happy

MIRROR, MIRROR

Mirror, mirror on the wall

Am I the loveliest of them all?

Mirror, mirror tell me for sure

To stop me feeling insecure

 

Mirror, mirror hanging there

You needn’t tell me I look fair

Let me think that I look slim

So I can look good for him

 

Mirror, mirror on the wall

Tell me that my bum is small

Mirror, mirror looking glass

Tell me that’s not all my arse 

THE PRINCESS AND THE FROG

Once upon a time in a land far away,

Long, long ago on a far distant day 

There lived a beautiful princess

An independent, self-assured noblesse

She strolled the shores of the lake

On her beautifully green castle estate

Contemplating issues of this and that

Then came upon a frog as she sat

The frog hopped onto the girls knee

And said Oh beautiful Elegant Lady

I was once handsome and princely

Until an evil witch cast a spell on me
 

But Princess just one kiss from you

And you will break the spells hoodoo

I will again be handsome and princely

And then, my dearest, we can marry
  

We’ll live in your castle with my mother

My seven sisters and all my brothers 

You can cook clean and do the laundry

And we can raise an enormous family

 

You will always be happy and grateful

And forever after you will be dutiful

All this with just one kiss from you

A future together for me and you

 

That night the princess dined in solitude

On the sumptuously prepared food

Smiling as she recalled the prince beg

As she ate the delicious, sautéed frogs leg 

ONCE UPON A TIME

 

Once upon a time

One day long, long ago,

There lived a woman who you will not know

A remarkable woman

No man has ever known

Who did not whine, nag, bitch or moan

But this was a long, long ago

And it was just ONE day

And that’s all this fairy tale has to say

ORIGINAL FAIRY TALES

 

Original Fairy Tales

Were not devised

To scare children

And inform them

That monsters existed

Children already knew

There were monsters

What Fairy Tales did

Was to teach children

That monsters

Could be beaten

A Mixed Bag of Poems

AT THE ELEVENTH HOUR

At the eleventh hour
On the eleventh day
Of the eleventh month
We heard the generals say
You can go home now lads
To the land you’ve defended
Thank God one and all
That the madness has ended

MICHAELMAS DAISY

Lovely Miss Aster,
My flower girl Maisie
My natural beauty
I love her like crazy
My own precious
Michaelmas Daisy

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DAD

Happy birthday dad
See, we did remember
Because you are so dear
Just like every year

We will never forget
We just wish and wish
You were still here
Just like every year

So we wish you
A happy birthday
And wipe away a tear
Just like every year

Harold Curtis 19/6/1922 – 8/5/1978

DANCING PIXIES IN THE GREEN

Dancing pixies in the green
And sparkling water sprites
Oft heard but never seen
Bathing in the morning light

DEATH IN THE SHADOWS

Death in the shadows
Grim reaper take flight
Don’t let me be the one
You’re coming for tonight

PEBBLES SMOOTH

Pebbles smooth,
Like crude glass
Smoothed by nature
Time and tide
Its patterned form
Marbled in style
Sits comfortably
In the fingers
To be skimmed
Back to the ocean

I HEAR A SINGING CHILD

I hear a singing child
Innocently engrossed
In childish play
Singing sweetly
To her audience of dolls
Safely oblivious
In her enchanted world
Would that it could
Always be that way

DEAR OSCAR

He was witty
Blessed with a fine mind
A bel esprit
And was the clever kind

MICHAELMAS DAY

Feast of the Archangels
As the autumn equinox nears
Michaelmas marks the turning
Of the husbandman's year

29th September

THE SCULPTOR CREATES

The sculptor creates
With skilful hands
The beauteous article
An artistic gift
Its concept borrowed
From his dreams
And his subconscious mind
To infuse in his design
And create a work of art

DREDGING IS NO SILVER BULLET

Dredging is no silver bullet
Is the word coming from their ranks
But at least it would be something
To prevent rivers bursting their banks
While the environment agency
Just blindly keep on firing blanks

SLAVERY WAS BORN OF EMPIRE

Slavery was born of Empire
But not a European one
Slavery existed for centuries
In fact thousands of years
Way before Europe rose to the fore
Even the Romans came late to the party
Following in Greece’s footsteps
Peoples were enslaved
From around the globe
Where there were trade routes
There was slaving
Arabs traded slaves bought
From African tribesmen
Muslims enslaved slavs
Turks enslaved Ukrainians
Mongols reached into the heart of Europe
And took slaves by the thousand
White Europeans became involved
Black enslaved black
White has enslaved white
I don’t know if it will ever end
I certainly hope so
But what I do know is
That the British didn’t invent it

ORIGINAL FAIRY TALES

Original Fairy Tales
Were not devised
To scare children
And inform them
That monsters existed
Children already knew
There were monsters
What Fairy Tales did
Was to teach children
That monsters
Could be beaten

NAZISM WAS LIKE A CANCER

Nazism was like a cancer
Spread across the continent
And when Hitler was defeated
It was not a cure, for the cancer
Was merely in remission

SNOW WHITE AND THE EIGHT DWARFS

Snow Whites wicked step mother
Was the Queen and a bit of a vamp
And often known to use her allure
On the men at the soldiers camp

She was jealous of Snow White
With her youth and innocent beauty
Feeling she might distract
The soldiers from doing their duty

So she had the woodsman take her
To the great forest and with his axe
The Queen had instructed him
To give her several whacks

But he could not kill the beautiful girl
So he told her to run and hide
And never return to the castle
It was in the forest she must abide

So she ran deep into the woods
And just as she was feeling tired
She came upon a little cottage
Which she very much admired

So she knocked on the little door
And a pompous dwarf opened it
“I’m looking for somewhere to stay
Could I stay with you for a bit?”

Prof said, she could stay for one night
Providing she helped with the chores
But she could stay for as long as she liked
In exchange for her sexual favours

Snow White thought for a moment
About the Profs indecent proposal
She decided that it suited her very well
As she did like a little cock after all

So they all had a go on Snow White
Prof was first then Blusher and Misery
They woke up Narcolepsy for his turn
Then Allergy, Cheerful and Divvy

She was a little disappointed with the sex
Not coming always made her grumpy
But then the eighth dwarf turned up
And this ones name was stumpy

BALDY LOCKS AND THE THREE HAIRS

BALDY LOCKS AND THE THREE HAIRS

Baldy locks may be very rich
He may even be a millionaire
But Baldy locks is unpleasant
And he will never share
Don’t ever approach him
If you don’t want to hear him swear
If you fall beneath his gaze
You must say a little prayer
Don’t venture to close
Never stray into his lair
Don’t try to converse with him
You won’t elicit any cares
The only things he cares about
Are his three remaining hairs

LITTLE RED RIDING HOODY

Little red riding hoody
Was sent to visit her sick grandma
But the big bad wolf spied her
Before she’d got very far
The big bad wolf wanted to eat her
And was just about to strike and mar
When she set her pit-bull on the wolf
Then went off to rob her grandma

THE PRINCESS AND THE FROG

Once upon a time in a land far away,
Long, long ago on a far distant day
There lived a beautiful princess
An independent, self-assured noblesse
She strolled the shores of the lake
On her beautifully green castle estate
Contemplating issues of this and that
Then came upon a frog as she sat
The frog hopped onto the girls knee
And said Oh beautiful Elegant Lady
I was once handsome and princely
Until an evil witch cast a spell on me
But Princess just one kiss from you
And you will break the spells hoodoo
I will again be handsome and princely
And then, my dearest, we can marry
We’ll live in your castle with my mother
My seven sisters and all my brothers
You can cook clean and do the laundry
And we can raise an enormous family
You will always be happy and grateful
And forever after you will be dutiful
All this with just one kiss from you
A future together for me and you
That night the princess dined in solitude
On the sumptuously prepared food
Smiling as she recalled the prince beg
As she ate the delicious sautéed frogs leg