SCHOOL DAYS

They can only use the car

On Mondays and Wednesdays

In Redneck schools for drivers Ed

And that’s because

On Tuesday Thursday and Friday,

The Sex Education class uses it instead

I LOST MY THESAURUS TODAY

 

I lost my thesaurus today

It was after the exam

I can’t find the words to describe

How upset I am

WHY ALBERT

 

Why did Albert Schweitzer die?

Or why Albert Einstein passed by

They knew too much that’s why

Q AND A

 

When you’re young you think that

You have all the answers to mention

However, the truth of the matter is that

You don’t even know every question

ANSWER THIS TOMMY

 

The Teacher asks one of the class clowns

"Can you give me three collective nouns?"

Tommy replies in keeping with his demeanour

"Flypaper, wastebasket, and vacuum cleaner"

YES PROFF

 

A professor of linguistics was lecturing one day

“In English, a double negative form a positive.”

He paused for effect then he continued to say

“In Russian, a double negative is still a negative.”

“However, there is no language” he began to recite.

“Wherein a double positive can form a negative”

A voice from the back called out "Yeah, right."

EXCUSE ME MISS

 

Sam asked a question of his teacher

He asked it of the stern Miss Meacher

You wouldn’t punish me, would you?

For something that I did not do

Of course, not boy, answered Miss

Spitting the reply out with a hiss

That’s a relief he began to explain

As I didn't do my homework again

Odds And Ends

SEAT OF LEARNING

In those halcyon days at university
Our lively intelligence or our esprit
Meant heads were encouraged towards the noetic
But our hearts gravitated to embrace the poetic
Our fecund, fertile minds, proved greatly to suit
As our high minded imaginings bore great fruit

GREEN HILLS

In the lee of the mountains with snow on the ground
Sits a quaint little village with hills all around
No sign can be seen of the green grassy hills
For they lay neath the snow in the wintery chill

But the people are happy and get on with their lives
All the brothers and sisters and husbands and wives
For they know that soon the snow will turn to rain
And then they will see their green hills again

IT’S LENT ONCE MORE

It’s Lent once more
A time to cleanse the soul
Empty the trash
And let Christ keep us whole

Clear the spam
Empty the buffers of sin
Deny yourself
And let the lord back in

It’s Lent once more
Pray to your saviour for peace
Cleanse your soul
Then your penance can cease

STUDENT PROTESTS

STUDENT PROTESTS # 1

Students should be applauded
We should stand and raise our glasses
To applaud the lazy, pretentious, self-absorbed wasters
For getting up off their collective arses

STUDENT PROTESTS # 2

Most of them missed an episode of countdown
Some left home halfway through cash in the attic
What could have stirred them from their apathy?
Something momentous or, earth shatteringly dramatic

Well sadly nothing noble or for the common good
It was just an excuse for them to break the law
The Nett result is an even greater burden on the public purse
Ensuring the next generation will pay even more

STUDENT PROTESTS # 3

I feel as a conservative voter
I must apologize to the young
Particularly those of the middle class
Whose university worries have really begun
As they now face an uncertain future
For when their student loans are spent
The cost of their degrees will make them
Ever so very slightly less affluent

STUDENT PROTESTS # 4

“It’s only right that the state should pay”
“Its society that benefits” you will hear them say
The overburdened tax payer has other ideas
The student’s plight is the least of his fears
“It’s them who benefit at the end of the day
So why on earth shouldn’t they pay their way?”
“It’s just so unfair to students who are poor”
Say the students doing medicine and law
It’s hard to sympathise when you hear that
When it’s coming from the mouth of a spoilt brat

ODE TO A YOUNG STUDENT

If success you will achieve
Do not ever flatter to deceive
Apply yourself with valiant effort
To gain the important good report
The way side is littered with the failed
Whose non commitment has prevailed
Don’t aim to highly but do your best
Then let your confidence do the rest

FINDING THE NEW WORLD

Maria was asked by the teacher
To go to the map and find America
The girl walked to the map and pointed
“Here it is miss this is America”
“Well done, now class who can tell me
Who discovered America?”
Immediately a boys hand shot in the air
“That’s easy miss it was Maria”

SAY IT AINT SO

“What is the chemical formula for water?”
The science teacher said to young Joe
Joe confidently stood up and replied
H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O,
“That’s not even close” the teacher shouted
Joe said “Last week you said it was H to O”