WE WILL GO TO SWITZERLAND

 

We will go to Switzerland

With our Dog from Alsace

When the time comes, and

Go to the clinic, Dognitas

THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN CATS AND DOGS

The difference between

Cats and dogs is easily seen

Because Dogs have owners

Whereas Cats have helpers

I DON’T LIKE TO SPEAK ILL

 

I don’t like to speak ill

However, without being rude

I have to say you can't trust

A dog to watch your food

THE WISDOM OF MY YOUTH # 2

 

When I was a child 

I found out that Barney 

Our family dog,

Also didn’t like broccoli for tea

POOCH POUCH

 

I can’t abide one thing

It leaves me all agog

And I cannot respect a man

Who carries a dog

ONE MAN AND HIS DOG

 

A man and his dog were walking along a lane.

Both enjoying the scenery and the terrain,

When suddenly a thought pooped into his

And he realized that he was actually dead.

He vaguely remembered his passing away

And that his dog had been dead many a day

He wondered then where the road was leading

In the distance along the way they were proceeding

He viewed a high white wall along the road side

It looked like fine marble and was many miles wide

It followed the lane up to the top of a long hill

He noticed a tall arch with a golden infill

That glowed in the sunlight bright and bold

When he got closer, he could see it was gold 

He thought it must lead to a great estate

Inside the golden arch was a magnificent gate

The gate was covered it the most lavish swirls

Made up of what appeared to mother-of-pearl

And the driveway that led up towards its splendour

Was lavishly paved with solid gold paviours

He and the dog walked quickly toward the gate

As he got closer, he saw a man through the grate

When he got closer he called out, “Excuse me”

And as he reached the gate he asked “where are we?” 

The man smiled and answered “This is Heaven, sir,” 

“Really that’s fantastic could I get a drink of water?”

“Of course, Come in I'll get some iced water for you”

The gate began to open “Can my dog come in, too?”

“I'm sorry but we don't allow pets.” The man said

“I won’t come in then we’ll try elsewhere instead”

He and his dog went back to the road and walked on

The road went up hill and was very very long

They came to a dirt road leading through a farm gate

This looked like it had never been closed of late

There were no fences surrounding the property

He saw a man reading a book leaning against a tree  

“Excuse me!” he called “Do you have any water?” 

“Of course, come on in there's a pump over there,” 

Gesturing to his dog he said, “How about my friend?”

“There should be a bowl by the pump for your friend” 

They went in and there was an old hand pump

With a bowl beside it for his four-legged chum

The traveler filled the water bowl for the dog

And took a long drink himself as he sat on a log

They drank their fill and walked back to the man

Who was standing by the gate where they began

The traveller asked “What do you call this place?”

“This is Heaven,” he answered a smile on his face

“Well, that's confusing,” the traveller said to the man

“Another man down the road said that was Heaven”

“Do you mean the place with the golden street,

The pearly gates and everywhere perfectly neat?”   

“Yes, that’s the very place” replied the traveller

“No that was hell, and the man was not Saint Peter” 

“Doesn't it make you really angry” the traveller said

When they use your name and people go there instead?”

“No, we're just happy they screen out the dross

Who’d leave their best friends and not feel the loss”  

LONGSTREET MAYBE

 

Returning home, Bimbette was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized

She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime and then sat down and cried

The closest police officer to the burgled house was a dog handler and his canine friend

So officer Katarski and a German shepherd called Monty were the first ones to attend

As the officer approached the house with his dog on a lead Bimbette ran out at the sound

She shuddered at the sight of the policeman and his dog, then sat down on the ground

Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen”

I call the police for help, and what do they do? They actually send me a blind policeman!"

OH YES CHURCHILL

 

Have you ever held your dog’s face

And made him mad when you blow

But then when you take him out in the car

He sticks his head out of the window

DOG LEG

It doesn’t matter what

You call a dog with one leg

Because he won't come to you

Even if you were to beg

IT HAS BEEN ANNOUNCED TODAY

It has been announced today

That a dog food manufacturer,

Following poor sales, has had

To call in the official retriever

WHAT A RELIEF

While I was standing at the bus stop one day

An old blind man and his dog passed my way

As they were about to cross via the pelican

The dog cocked his leg urinating on the man

The man reached into his pocket for a treat

And leant down to feed the dog at his feet

Amazed by this great act of human kindness

I remarked to him about his thoughtfulness

I need to find out where his mouth is friend

The blind man said so I can kick his arse end

ITS A DOG’S LIFE

 

If it moves, then my dog will shag it

That’s what he does to get a buzz

But if it doesn’t move it won’t matter

He’ll just shag it until it does

DOWN PATCH

 

Bruno was a young slavering Boxer

And quite an ugly looking brute

While Ginger was a Yorkshire terrier

And so by definition rather cute

On this summer evening it was

The first time the two dogs had ever met

While waiting with their humans

In the waiting room of the local vet

It was friendly Ginger who was the first

To speak and too break the ice

“There’s something stuck up my bum

And you know that’s not very nice”

“I’m a yorkie and they call me Ginger

What does your human call you?”

“I’m a Boxer called Bruno very pleased

To meet you, how do you do”?

“I’m here for more tests because

I don’t think they know what’s wrong”

Said ginger with resignation

 “Why are you here you look fit and strong”?

“Well” replied Bruno “you know how sultry

The weather’s been lately”

“I’m a young virile dog and to be honest

I’ve been feeling very fruity”

“I was patrolling the house last night

As normal when what do I find?”

“I found my human naked and bending over

So I jumped her from behind”

Ginger rather shocked said

 “So she’s brought you here to get you snipped”

“Well that’s what I thought at first

But she just want’s my toe nails clipped”

IT’S THE DOGS….

 

A man and his dog walk into the pub

Each night to drink with the locals

As the man has a drink, the man’s dog

Lies down and exposes his genitals

And oblivious to his audience the dog

Then lies on his back and licks them

Another man looks on in admiration

Saying “Is no one as impressed as I am?”

He then turns to the owner saying

“Now that’s a thing I wish I could do”

The dog’s owner looks at him smiling

“Well give him a crisp and he’ll let you”

IT’S THE DOGS…. AGAIN

 

A man and his dog walk into the pub

Each night to drink with the locals

As the man has a drink, the mans dog

Lies down and then licks his genitals

An offended customer, disgusted asks

“Why does your dog do that man?”

Then owner answers without hesitation

“That’s easy he does it because he can”

A DOGS LIFE

 

I think the dog wants to go out

He doesn’t bark and he cannot shout

But I know that I’m not wrong

Because he’s got his hat and coat on