A Little Bit Of Humour # 129

MY SON JOKES ABOUT MY AGE # 6

My son jokes about my age
His humour is very severe
He says that when I was at school
I sat next to Shakespeare

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 379

Little Bo Peep
Has lost her sheep
But in truth
She does care a peep
She prefers ram’s
Does Little Hoe Peep

FAIRY TALE’S RESPUN # 4

He bragged about a conquest
Of a slender, older sylph
But of course no one believed
The boy who Cried MILF!

DISNEY HAVE GOT INTO PORN # 4

Disney have got into porn
It had to happen of course
Beauty and the Beast is the movie
And the beast is hung like a horse

THE BOY WHO CRIED WOLF

The boy who cried Wolf
Continued to get beaten on
And that’s because it wasn’t
The safe word they agreed on

WHY IS THE EMPEROR NAKED?

Why is the Emperor Naked?
Well I heard from one who knows
It’s to do with the company he keeps
Namely “The Emperor's New Ho’s”

THE LITTLE ENGINE

The Little Engine that could
Lost his cherry in a shed
So now they call him
The Little Engine that did.

TWO FONTS WALKED INTO A BAR

Two fonts walked into a bar and were told,
“Sorry, you will have to leave I fear
But please don’t take it personally
We just don't serve your type in here”

AT A FANCY DRESS PARTY

At a fancy dress party, my mate
Went dressed as a car number plate
What a guy he’s an absolute “Ledge”
And to top it all his name is Reg

I UPSET MY GRANDDAUGHTER

I upset my granddaughter
When she stayed recently
I made a faux pas, as I thought
That Pepper Pig was a recipe

WHEN MY GIRLFRIEND DUMPED ME

When my girlfriend dumped me
I engaged in the revenge porn fad
I posted naked pictures of myself
To show what low standards she had

G-SPOT

There was supposed to be
A documentary last night on Cable
It was all about the g-spot
I did try to find it, but I wasn’t able

A Little Bit Of Humour # 128

I HAVE A MEMORY FOAM MATTRESS # 2

I have a memory foam mattress
And I awake feeling brighter
I just wish it would remember me
When I was Three stone lighter

FOGHORN LEGHORN CROSSED THE PLAYGROUND

Foghorn Leghorn crossed the playground
But not just to get to the other side
The reason he wanted to cross over
Was just to get to the other slide

PROCRASTINATION IS THE THIEF OF TIME # 3

Procrastination is the thief of time
And our span of time is so fleet
But because I dithered I don’t know
How to get to Sesame Street

WHY ARE EGGS PACKED IN CONTAINERS

Why are eggs packed in containers
That are the flimsiest I’ve ever seen
But batteries are in plastic packs
You can only open with a laser beam

MIND THE GAP, MIND THE GAP

Mind the gap, mind the gap
Is not an announcement about safety
But is pointing out the difference
Between the timetable and reality

I HAD A FITTING WITH MY TAILOR

I had a fitting with my tailor and
All the measurements were wrong
I should really have known better
After all his name is Wei Tu Long

MY SON JOKES ABOUT MY AGE # 5

My son jokes about my age
His humour is unforgiving
He says that my first passport
Was probably written in Latin

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 377

Mary had a little lamb
She also had a lama
And that’s because she’s
A short sighted farmer

FAIRY TALE’S RESPUN # 3

Babes in the wood
And their escapades
Is now a porn film,
Wood in the Babes

DISNEY HAVE GOT INTO PORN # 3

Disney have got into porn
It became a financial reality
And of the films to be made
Is Beauty and the Bestiality

PTERODACTYL

None of the dinosaurs ever heard
The pterodactyl spend a penny
And the simple reason for that
Was because of the silent P

MY NEW TENNIS PARTNER

My new tennis partner
Always obstructs my view,
Stood in the middle of the court
But, that’s Annette for you

A Little Bit Of Humour # 127

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 376

Oh, do you know the muffin man,
The muffin man, the muffin man,
Oh, do you know the muffin man,
He’s the one in the muffin top

IF THE SINGULAR IS THIS

If the singular is this
And the plural is these,
Why isn’t the plural of kiss
Ever referred to as kese?

PROCRASTINATION IS THE THIEF OF TIME # 2

Procrastination is the thief of time
And our span of time is so brief
So because I dithered I can’t reply
To the question “where's the beef”

PUT DOWN # 62

Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
If he says “Did you just fall from heaven?”
Take a breath and pause for a bit
Then reply “Yes I fell from heaven
But then I landed on a soft shit?”

MY SON JOKES ABOUT MY AGE # 4

My son jokes about my age
He really keeps going on and on
He says that when I was at school
I was best friends with Nelson

WHY DID THE LION CROSS THE ROAD?

Why did the Lion cross the road?
Well not just to get to the other side
The reason he wanted to cross over
Was to get to the other pride

FAIRY TALE’S RESPUN # 2

The sorcerer’s apprentice
Wasn’t there for tutorage
He was only interested in
The Sorcerer's Appendage

DISNEY HAVE GOT INTO PORN # 2

Disney have got into porn
Namely with the Brothers Grimm
It’s to be an ensemble piece
Entitled The Brother's Quim

PETER PAN IS A BIT OF A GAY ICON

Peter Pan is a bit of a gay icon
As he disrupts the pirates shanties
But that’s not even his real name
He was baptized as Peter Panties

WHY DID THE ONE HANDED MAN

Why did the one handed man
Cross the road without pause to stop?
Well it’s a no brainer really
It was to get to the second hand shop

SEX TOY STORY

Her husband had a Woody
But that didn’t impress her
So she went and got Buzz
Out of the drawer in her dresser

ON MY BED AT HOME # 2

On my bed at home I have
A deluxe memory foam mattress
But it remembers I’m overweight
Which causes me great distress

A Little Bit Of Humour # 126

SO IF IT IS CORRECT THAT ONE # 2

So if it is correct that
One may be “that”
And multiples would be those
Yet the singular cat
Would in the plural
Be cats and never cose

FOR MY POOR DELUDED FATHER

For my poor deluded father
The men in white coats beaconed
He thought he was a chocolate orange
So now he’s been sectioned

I CAN’T COUNT TO TEN IN FRENCH

I can’t count to ten in French
It’s impossible for me
I can only count to seven
Because I have a huit allergy

JOLLY

To be politically correct
We must call fat people, jolly
And the really fat people
Have to be called morbidly jolly

I HAVE A MEMORY FOAM MATTRESS # 1

I have a memory foam mattress
And I awake fresh at cock crow
I just wish it would remember me
As I was at least twenty years ago

PROCRASTINATION IS THE THIEF OF TIME # 1

Procrastination is the thief of time,
There’s no truer saying without a doubt
And as a result of my dithering
I still don’t know “who let the dogs out”

PUT DOWN # 61

Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
So if you tire of unwanted attention
Just tell him you’re incompatible
and if he questions your remark
Say it’s because you’re not inflatable

MY SON JOKES ABOUT MY AGE # 3

My son jokes about my age
His humour is frankly, not
He says my first license
Was for driving a chariot

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 378

Jack be Nimble,
Jack be quick,
But please don’t play
With your candle stick

FAIRY TALE’S RESPUN # 1

Snow White thought
7-Up was just a drink
But meeting the dwarves
Caused her to rethink

DISNEY HAVE GOT INTO PORN # 1

Disney have got into porn
And the first film to be made
Is a remake of a classic
Renamed “The Little Sperm Maid”

ON MY BED AT HOME # 1

On my bed at home I have
A deluxe memory foam mattress
But it remembers I’m over sixty
Which causes me great distress

SWEET HONEY BEE

Sweet Honey Bee
How we will miss you
And your honeyed words
Well-crafted and poignant
Even finding humour
On your sad journey

Sweet Honey Bee
How we will miss your
Tireless support for others,
Less talented than you
Such as I, with your
Patient kind encouragement

Sweet Honey Bee
How we will miss you
Now the world is a sadder place
Without you in it
But the eternal meadow
Is now graced with another Honey Bee



For Deborah

A Little Bit Of Humour # 125

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 375

Star light, star bright,
No I don’t want to tonight
If truth be told, alright
I think stargazing is shite

WHEN WE SPEAK OF A BROTHER

When we speak of a brother
We can also speak of brethren,
But although we say Mother,
I have never heard said, Methren

MY UNCLE GOT CAUGHT STEALING AGAIN

My uncle got caught stealing again
It’s an occupation hazard by and large
This time it was luxury toilet rolls
And he pleaded quilty to the charge

ON THE JOURNEY TO WORK

On the journey to work
I had a nightmare
But I woke up before I ran
Anyone down to be fair

THE SIGN IN THE LAYBY READ

The sign in the layby read
“No dumping” it was hard to miss
But luckily it didn’t apply to me
Because I only needed a piss

THERE WAS AN IRRITATING WHINING SOUND

There was an irritating whining sound
As I was driving to work today
I ignored it and drove on into town
To drop my wife off and then it was ok

DO YOU WANT TO SEE A NAKED HARPIST

“Do you want to see a naked harpist?”
I was asked and of course replied yes please
But I was told that I mustn’t touch the harp
Because of the risk of catching harpies

I ONCE WENT OUT WITH A HARPIST

I once went out with a harpist
Who played it naked, except for specs
She wasn’t very good but afterwards
We had No strings attached sex

I PICKED UP A TRAY OF LAMB CHOPS

I picked up a tray of Lamb chops
Labelled “Reared in Wales” in the shop
I refused to buy them on the basis
That I thought that was a bit racist

MY NEIGHBOURS ARE OBNOXIOUS

My neighbours are obnoxious, rude
And loud and they’re doing in my cranium
They are so intolerable that I finally
Know, what it must be like to be a Canadian

I GOT CHATTING ON THE EURO STAR

I got chatting on the Euro Star
And I really rather enjoyed it
First I made a Belgian waffle
And then a Frenchman talk shit

A Little Bit Of Humour # 124

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 374

Jack and Jill went up the hill
To do what they shouldn’t’ve oughter
Now she has a dose of chlamydia
And Jack has trouble passing water

IF THE MASCULINE PRONOUNS

If the masculine pronouns
Are he, his and him
Why then is it the feminine
Are not she, shis and shim

THE OBESITY TIME BOMB

The media keep talking about
An obesity time bomb
Well I hope I’m nowhere nearby
When it goes off chum

THERE’S BEEN A LOT OF TALK LATELY

There’s been a lot of talk lately
In the media about blue on blue
But it shouldn’t be a surprise
Because that’s Smurf porn for you

LUXEMBOURG IS A MUCH SMALLER COUNTRY

Luxembourg is a much smaller country
But nonetheless in a tournament year
They share something with England
Which is their FIFA Ranking I fear

WE MUST REWRITE THE HISTORY BOOKS

We must rewrite the history books
King Tut was not really Egyptian
Dad was a Scot, his Mum Spanish
And he was named Tartan Carmen

A MAJOR FIRE CAUSED PANIC

A major fire caused panic
And was causing great harm
It was in the aroma candle factory
So things soon became calm

I REGULARLY DONATE BLOOD

I regularly donate blood
So I feel I’m doing my bit
But for some of the donor’s
It’s like self-harm for a biscuit

SHE SAID SHE WAS A BUSH DOCTOR

I completely misunderstood
But then I was a bit pissed
She said she was a Bush Doctor
So I thought “she’s a gynaecologist”

CHAMPAGNE TO YOUR REAL FRIENDS?

Champagne to your real friends?
And real pain to your sham friends?
Well that’s Not my idea of friends

I MISUNDERSTOOD ABOUT PPI

I misunderstood about PPI
And I really feel such a fool
I thought you got it if you didn’t
Wear your goggles at the pool

WHEN WE REACHED CRUISING ALTITUDE

When we reached cruising altitude
As we headed for another continent
The cabin light dimmed to enhance,
The appearance of our flight attendant