THE DAY DAD WENT TO BELSEN

The tank stopped abruptly
And we sat open mouthed
At what we beheld
Our brains could not assimilate
What our eyes were seeing
Great mounds of …. What?
It can’t be that.
All the horrors of war
We had witnessed, experienced
Since D-day
Did not prepare us
For what Belsen held in store
A place devoid of God
A place where even birdsong was banished
We dismounted and approached on foot
As each step brought us closer
Our worst fears were realised
We saw that the mounds were indeed bodies
Or something likened to bodies
Then I saw an androgynous figure
Stood at the fence
A dirty little bag of bones
Wrapped in dirty rags
Bony fingers clutching the wire
Like a birds feet gripping a trig
I reasoned it was a girl
As the rags might well have been a dress
“We are English” I said
“Don’t be afraid”
Her fleshless face was beyond gaunt,
Her shaved head little more than a skull
Her huge eyes were so black and deep
I could see into her soul
A weak smile played round her mouth
And tears welled up in her huge eyes
I would not have believed it possible
For her desiccated form
To have held enough moisture for tears
But they were there
And they ran down the grubby cheeks
Of the little bag of bones
And dripped onto her ragged dress
We ran to the gates
And forced them open
Then we stepped into the jaws of hell
More skeletal figure appeared
From amidst the piles of rotting corpses
Bemused and disbelieving
They hugged us, and thanked us
Some cried, some laughed
We gave them water
And fed them our rations
Not realising we were finishing
What the Germans had started
The food was too rich
For their weak emaciated bodies
What we didn’t realise
Was we were killing them with kindness
The girls name was Elise
She was the same age as me
But she died the next day
Her face with the huge tear filled eyes
Haunted my dreams
All of the days of my life
Penetrating my soul
And breaking my heart
My only consolation
Was that she at least knew kindness
Once more before she died

FACETS OF LOVE

WHEN WILL THE LIGHTNING STRIKE?

When will the lightning strike?
When will the thunder roar?
When will that moment come?
When love knocks at my door

When will the drum beat out?
When will love’s music play?
When will that moment come?
When love finally looks my way

SHELTERED LOVE

I don’t know the minute or the hour
When God decided from his exalted tower
To make us both shelter from that shower
And to make our love bloom like a flower

I RESOLVED TO GROW OLD WITH YOU

On the first day we met
I gave to you my heart
I gave to you my soul
I gave to you my love
And I resolved to grow old with you

You have been my beacon
My guiding light
You have been my friend
The love of my life
And I resolved to grow old with you

Now is the saddest time
Now my heart breaks
Now my soul cries
Now my love hurts
I so wanted to grow old with you

Now after we have parted
Your heart beats in another chest
Your soul abides above
Your love is eternal
And I must grow old alone

LOVE AMONGST THE STARS

When you give your heart to another
You bathe in the warmth of the sun
You walk tall upon the earth
Tall enough to touch the stars
You make love beneath the moon
And Venus guides your path
As you navigate the Milky Way
But when you are cast aside
You crash back down to earth
And inhabit planet Solitude

IN THE NAME OF GOD

WE STILL BELIEVE IN YOU

Master of the universe
Great architect of nature
Builder of the galaxies
Every facet and feature
Don’t listen to our silence
Most benevolent creator
And think us unworthy
Don’t condemn us like a traitor
We are misguided only
That is just our nature
We will turn to you again
For man is a fickle creature

BY GODS GRACE

At the end I am serenely at peace
In the moments of my final hour
I feel the presence of the Lord
Who gently plucks me like a flower

GULF OF MEXICO

THE GULF OF MEXICO

It’s great to watch Obama
Playing his presidential games
Talking about kicking ass
And taking names

He reminds me of King Canute
Standing on the beach
As his political grasp
Exposes the shortness of his reach

I think the irony of the situation
Is well suited
As one of the great polluters
Have now become the polluted

THE GULF IS EVIDENT

The gulf is evident
Between man and president
The gulf is clear
Between success and failure
The gulf is a disaster
For president Obama

A GULF OF DIFFERENCE

I must say I like President Obama
He does his job with great aplomb
But admitting defeat in the gulf
Is a step to which he might have to succumb
For what he faces in the Gulf of Mexico
Is a problem that America can’t bomb

GULF OF IRONY

America doesn’t need to invade
To find oil anymore
Because in an ironic twist of fate
Oil is invading their shore

Assorted Humour

HELP LINE

I phoned the incontinence help line today
“I’m Mrs. Brown, can you help me pray”
“Where are you ringing from Mrs. Brown”?
I of course replied “from the waist down”

DINNER QUESTION

My wife was in the kitchen
And she began to chat
“What would you like darling”
I heard from where I sat
“Chicken, fish or lamb
Or some beef without the fat”
“I think I’ll have the chicken
And I can have white wine with that”
“You’ve got beans on toast you idiot
I was talking to the cat”

FACE VALUE

You worry so much about your appearance
You fret about your nose being too big
Your mouth too wide and your lips too thin
But be assured people really don’t give a fig
For while you display your magnificent breasts
Encased sensually within black lace
Any imperfections you have will go unnoticed
Because no one is looking at your face

ROSES WERE RED

Roses were red, violets were blue
No one in the bar was prettier than you
I brought you home I was over the moon
In the morning I sing a different tune
My eyes are red, my complexion green
The sight of you makes me want to scream

TOILET TRAINING

When its time to siphon the python
First adjust the angle of dangle
And aim true, at the loo
You’ll stand in your own piss, if you miss
Don’t get in a muddle and leave a puddle
When finished shake the snake
Or tap the old chap
Make sure the eye is dry
As you stand there, have a care
Don’t go yet and stow wet
Or you’ll feel the warm glow, down below

SUNDAY SCHOOL QUERY

Joshua was asked at a Sunday school meeting
“Do you say a prayer at home before eating”?
Joshua was puzzled at the query, truth to tell
“No we don't have too, my Mum cooks very well”

SLEEP DEPRIVATION

I lie awake in the wee small hours
Unable to just drift away
My mind is constantly replaying
All the events of the day
I’ve tossed and I’ve turned
I even counted sheep for a bit
Now I find my foot has gone to sleep
And I long to catch up with it

IBS

“You have an irritable bowel”
My doctor told me today
It didn’t surprise me at all
It was inevitable in a way
Because I’m a very irritable man
Harsh but true I would say
So why should my bowel
Behave in any other way

MY CAT STORY

The teacher questioned Samuel about his homework
“I have just read your story entitled “my cat”
And it is almost exactly the same as your brothers
What do you have to say to that”?
“Well I didn’t copy Joshua’s story miss” Samuel said
“It’s just that well, we have the same cat”

IF YOU ASK A STUPID QUESTION

Joshua was caught talking to a friend during assembly
“What do you call a person” asked the headmaster
“Who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested”?
Joshua thought and to great applause he said “A teacher”

THE MAN AINT GOT NO CULTURE

My friend reads cheap fiction
Consuming it like a vulture
But he’s not a stupid man
He simply has no culture
In fact the closest he gets
To any form of cultural flirt
Would be when he partakes
In his favourite yogurt

EARLY ARRIVAL

At premature ejaculators anonymous
I sat all alone in the meeting room
And I pondered my solitary situation
And concluded that I just came too soon

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 148

Elsie Marley's grown so fine,
She won't get up to feed the swine,
But lies in bed 'till eight or nine!
Doing the farm hands two at a time

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 149

Baby dear, good night, good night,
Doggie lies in slumbers deep;
Hush-a-bye, my treasure bright,
Pussy, too, is fast asleep.
So the question I must make
Is why are you still wide awake?

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 150

As I was going up Pippen Hill,
Pippen Hill was dirty.
There I met a pretty miss
And she was very flirty

As I was going down Pippen Hill,
I left the girl so flirty
Pippen Hill was quite clean
But the girl was very dirty

THE DOMESTIC GAME

The beautiful game
Is one of different hues
It can redden your face
And cause marital blues
Especially when you add
An excess of cheap booze
When victory is achieved
Sex often ensues
But it’s a different story
If he watches them lose
He’ll wear a football shirt
And she’ll wear a bruise
The bigger the match
The shorter his fuse
As he rants and raves
She shakes in her shoes
At the final whistle
Full of anger and booze
He wears red and white
She wears black and blue