Assorted Humour

HELP LINE

I phoned the incontinence help line today
“I’m Mrs. Brown, can you help me pray”
“Where are you ringing from Mrs. Brown”?
I of course replied “from the waist down”

DINNER QUESTION

My wife was in the kitchen
And she began to chat
“What would you like darling”
I heard from where I sat
“Chicken, fish or lamb
Or some beef without the fat”
“I think I’ll have the chicken
And I can have white wine with that”
“You’ve got beans on toast you idiot
I was talking to the cat”

FACE VALUE

You worry so much about your appearance
You fret about your nose being too big
Your mouth too wide and your lips too thin
But be assured people really don’t give a fig
For while you display your magnificent breasts
Encased sensually within black lace
Any imperfections you have will go unnoticed
Because no one is looking at your face

ROSES WERE RED

Roses were red, violets were blue
No one in the bar was prettier than you
I brought you home I was over the moon
In the morning I sing a different tune
My eyes are red, my complexion green
The sight of you makes me want to scream

TOILET TRAINING

When its time to siphon the python
First adjust the angle of dangle
And aim true, at the loo
You’ll stand in your own piss, if you miss
Don’t get in a muddle and leave a puddle
When finished shake the snake
Or tap the old chap
Make sure the eye is dry
As you stand there, have a care
Don’t go yet and stow wet
Or you’ll feel the warm glow, down below

SUNDAY SCHOOL QUERY

Joshua was asked at a Sunday school meeting
“Do you say a prayer at home before eating”?
Joshua was puzzled at the query, truth to tell
“No we don't have too, my Mum cooks very well”

SLEEP DEPRIVATION

I lie awake in the wee small hours
Unable to just drift away
My mind is constantly replaying
All the events of the day
I’ve tossed and I’ve turned
I even counted sheep for a bit
Now I find my foot has gone to sleep
And I long to catch up with it

IBS

“You have an irritable bowel”
My doctor told me today
It didn’t surprise me at all
It was inevitable in a way
Because I’m a very irritable man
Harsh but true I would say
So why should my bowel
Behave in any other way

MY CAT STORY

The teacher questioned Samuel about his homework
“I have just read your story entitled “my cat”
And it is almost exactly the same as your brothers
What do you have to say to that”?
“Well I didn’t copy Joshua’s story miss” Samuel said
“It’s just that well, we have the same cat”

IF YOU ASK A STUPID QUESTION

Joshua was caught talking to a friend during assembly
“What do you call a person” asked the headmaster
“Who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested”?
Joshua thought and to great applause he said “A teacher”

THE MAN AINT GOT NO CULTURE

My friend reads cheap fiction
Consuming it like a vulture
But he’s not a stupid man
He simply has no culture
In fact the closest he gets
To any form of cultural flirt
Would be when he partakes
In his favourite yogurt

EARLY ARRIVAL

At premature ejaculators anonymous
I sat all alone in the meeting room
And I pondered my solitary situation
And concluded that I just came too soon