SEX AND RELATIONSHIPS

LOVE OF THE SEA

Oh my love how you remind me of the sea
Not for being amazing, powerful and dramatic
No, you remind me of the sea my darling
Because when I’m close to you I feel sick

MULTITASKING MAIDENS

Women are supposedly very good at multitasking
Men are not, which allegedly is our biggest crime
But if women are truly capable of multitasking
Why can’t they have a headache and sex at the same time?
BINGO, BANGO, BONGO

I will call up my Dolly
To be alone would be folly
Perhaps I’ll call Holly
But should I call Polly
Or little miss Molly
To call all might be a folly
But an interesting volley
What a prospect by golly

WHIRLWIND ROMANCE

A woman is like a hurricane
Whether your partner or your spouse
When she comes she’s hot and wet
When she leaves she takes half the house

WOW YOU SMELL GREAT!

“Wow you smell great! what do you have on”?
The young woman asked in her opening gambit
“Well honey” He replied “I actually have a hard on
But I had no idea at all that you could smell it”

SHEEPISH

A man walked into his bedroom
Where his wife was preparing for sleep
And stood in the doorway
Holding a leash attached to a sheep
“Sweetheart when you have a headache
This is the cow I make love to”
The wife looked at him with utter contempt
Then took his silence as her cue
Saying ”If you weren't such a numbskull,
You’d know that's not a cow it’s a yew
He replied "If you weren't so conceited
You’d realise I wasn’t talking to you”

BREATHE THROUGH IT

A young woman had a panic attack
A side effect of British Railways
My wife and I went to her aid
But I struggled to avert my gaze
From her heaving chesticles
“Big breaths” my wife instructed her
I was still staring at her puppies, said
“No, but beautifully pert would be fare”

SHE WHO MUST BE

When first we met I thought of her
She who must be an angel
When we were married she became
She who must be obeyed
Now we are divorced she has become
She who must be despised

LIQUID TO SOLID

Liquid Viagra will become
The ultimate cocktail I think
And be popular with the group
In need of a stiff drink

TAKE A CLOSER LOOK

You don’t need expensive binoculars
They’re a waste of money you know
Instead of bringing the object nearer
Stand closer to her bedroom window

DRINKING FROM THE UGLY POND

Alcohol was originally invented
So ugly people could have sex too
Because viewed thru beer goggles
Everyone looks beautiful to you
It also serves to add some variety
To the beautiful peoples gene pool

FRIENDSHIP DEFINED

The definition of a real friend
Is someone who would never let a girlfriend
Drink to such excess that they will try
To have sex with a very ugly guy

WORKPLACE WOES

9 out of 10 women
At my company
Accused me of sexual harassment
And are suing me
And I’m being sued for discrimination
By plain Jane my 10th employee

PLAYING DRESS UP

To surprise her husband and add some spice
She dressed in tight black leather Basque
Six-inch stilettos heels, black stockings
Black garter belt and a leather mask
When he walked through the door he said
“Oi Batman what’s for dinner may I ask”?

BEACH ETIQUETTE

A naked man sunbathing at the beach
In order to preserve his dignity
And protect it from the sun
Placed his hat over his thingamy

A passing woman smiled and said
“A gentleman would lift his hat for a lady”
He replied “If you get your kit off
Madam it will raise itself, maybe”

DRIVING RAIN

Wipers swish
Expelling the rain drops
Heater whirls
Expelling heat to clear the mist
Headlights burn
Expelling darkness and fear
It’s a dirty night
But the doggers will be here

A STIFF DRINK

Viagra may soon be available in liquid form,
And will assist the flaccid when it’s done
By making it possible for a man to perform
By literally pouring himself a stiff one

IN THE COLD LIGHT OF DAY

If you are the sort of woman who believes
Life is too short to dance with ugly men
Then you almost certainly believe
It’s too short to have sex with them
Just remember that when you get drunk
There are no ugly men to offend you
And I bet you’ve never bedded an ugly man
But I’m sure you’ve woken up with a few

LITTLE BITS OF LUST

HER ALLURE

She makes my thoughts impure
With her seductive allure
I am infected, and I am sure
They will never find a cure

PANDORA

Pandora was a bit of a trollop
You’d often find her round the docks
Though she would disagree
And thought herself a bit of a fox
But what made her more doxy than foxy
Was the odour from Pandora’s box


LOLITA’S SLAVE

This sexually precocious Lolita
Who so enflamed my Ardour
This most vivacious temptress
I longed to hold and caress
Infected me with her allure
And with no antidote or cure
She holds me captive in her spell
And simply bends me by her will

PHILANDER

Flirtation and casual sexual affairs
“Playing away” that is to philander
No sexual conquest is too trivial
A quick blow job or a knee-trembler

LUCKY GUY

I knew from the look in her eyes
That I was the lucky guy
Who in some form or guise
Would get between her thighs
And hear her deep throated cries
Then revel at her climactic sighs

LADY LUST

Lady Lust
Doused in heavy musk
Outrageously flirty
Exotic, erotic, earthy and dirty
She didn’t bother with underwear
She knew what she wanted and didn’t care
A woman full of desire
Looking for someone to quench her fire
On that day she chose me
To satisfy her sexually
And each satisfying penetration
Culminated in ecstatic ejaculation
And I made love to lady lust
Til there was nothing left but dust

YOUNG LOVERS # 2

Those first encounters
Clumsily fumbling in the dark
Those first breathtaking excitements
Of harmless petting
Never a risk to ones virginity
You only ever came in your pants
And never inside a girl

THE LIBERTINE

The libertine, devotee of the immoral
Master of the sexual conquest
Racks up countless sexual relationships
Because that’s what he does best
A real love them and leave them type
He is only interested in sexual gratification
A libertine just satisfies his appetites
And he doesn’t blame it on a mythical addiction

ROSE TINTED GOGGLES

She walked boldly into the pub
Mutton dressed as lamb
In clothes that didn’t suit her figure
Or her generation
She had too many miles on the clock
From all the journeys round the block
She was a real old spunker
With a bad case of “tits on belly”
Plus she had hairy armpits
And was decidedly smelly
Nonetheless viewed through beer goggles
She would look more attractive
And would doubtless see some action

BITCHIN’ BABE

Wow as you passed slowly by
You really caught my eye
With your figure so top class
Can I grope and squeeze your arse?
You have a very ample chest
Can I fumble inside your vest?
Are you moist beneath the waist?
Will you let me have a taste?
Oh your hips gyrate and tease
Let me split your whiskers please
Let me leave you in a state of bliss
If not I will gladly settle for a kiss

WENCH HUNT

A certain healthy horny fellow
With his wild oats to sow
Will seek a field that’s fallow
With a mind to plough the furrow

DESPERATELY SEEKING TOTTIE

In bars and pubs
In joints and clubs
In bawdy brothels
And pervert chapels
In dens of iniquity
You seek promiscuity
Girls of easy virtue
Happy to insert you

MY THOUGHTS ARE SINFUL

MY THOUGHTS ARE SINFUL # 1

My thoughts are sinful
As when I look at your perfection
Your body a temple of purity
I think only of its desecration

MY THOUGHTS ARE SINFUL # 2

My thoughts are sinful
The sordid and lustful kind
I what to rip your clothes off
And roger you from behind

MY THOUGHTS ARE SINFUL # 3

My thoughts are sinful
Of your beauty lavishly garnished
In a state of partial undress
Your fingers manicured and varnished
Toying with my shaft
Your reputation forever tarnished

MY THOUGHTS ARE SINFUL # 4

My thoughts are sinful
I like to think of sin
I like to see you smile
I like to see you grin
But I’d really like to see
With my balls upon your chin

CONCUPISCENCE

CONCUPISCENCE # 1

I have a bar maid fantasy
I would like to serve her
Instead of her serving me
But the service I would perform
If I get my wish
Is to kiss her clitoris
Then with eager tongue
Bring her to climax
And taste the nectar
That sour musk
Of lusts honey
And drink of her
Like a fresh pulled pint

CONCUPISCENCE # 2

Affected by her Joie de vivre
In a way I couldn’t believe
This amazing tour de force
Set me upon an immoral course
And in libidinous concupiscence
I gained valuable sexual experience

CONCUPISCENCE # 3

Each man doth aspire
With she he doth admire
To ignite loves blazing fire
And then the burning desire
Of the impassioned esquire
Is to quench the maiden’s fire

CONCUPISCENCE # 4

In my fecundity I see you
And all the dirty things you do
Self-abuse and things of that kind
And being rogered from behind
But I don’t feel any shame
Because you don’t even know my name

21st Century Brits

CUT FROM DIFFERENT CLOTH

My parents were born between the wars,
And in their day
People were cut from different cloth
A sturdy resilient cloth
A cloth that bound the nation together
They were tougher people
Who lived through tough times
The general strike, the depression
The Second World War
20 years of rationing
But life had greater value
Because its pleasures came hard
And life was more than a measure
Of what could be possessed
The post baby boomers
Roll their eyes at such talk
But our country is weaker
And its people
Less sturdy, less resilient
Today we are a ragged nation
Just a collection of frayed threads

THE SELFISH GENERATION

People are loyal only to themselves
They have no sense of nation today
And put their own self-interest first
“What’s in it for me” is what they say

People have many heartfelt opinions
But hardly a one true conviction
When England is once more in peril
This is my sad and sorry prediction

There will be no mass rush to volunteer
Conscription will be met with legal scheming
They only way to get them to join up
Will be to drag them kicking and screaming


ALL ABOUT RIGHTS

I was staggered with an item
On the news last night
About illegal downloads
And breach of copyright
One proposal is to block offender’s broadband
Which I thought was alright
But apparently this in itself is illegal
As broadband is now a human right
What has become of this country?
What brought us to our plight?
What about the Tolpuddle martyrs?
What of the suffragettes fight?
What of battle for equality
These are true issues of human right
If King Arthur returned to us
He would turn and take flight

THE BULLDOG BREED

The British in the past
Seemed to have more grit
The Londoners of old
Bombarded in the Blitz
Shook their fists in defiance
Such were the plucky Brits
People alive today
Would never stand for it
They’d shout about human rights
And probably serve a writ

WAR AND WARRIORS

GRANDDADS WAR

In South Africa during the Boer War
Granddad got the key of the door
In France during World War 1
He lay wounded when the day was done

He could have met a very bloody end
But for the bravery of his friend
So he lived to fight another day instead
And died an old man in his own bed

THE SOLDIER’S LAST MUSTER

When the sun is in the west
You will safely go to rest
At the setting of the sun
With your soldiers duties done
You will feel your God is nigh
As you ascend up to the sky
And in earths fading light
Where tears diminish sight
Where loved ones question why
A new star will grace the sky
Gleaming bright in the firmament
Proudly amongst the regiment
To mark the passing of a soldier son
Who died not seeing victory won
Now the time that moves us most
The plaintive lament of the last post
For those falling fighting foes
Heads bow as the bugle blows

BEFORE THE KAISER CAME

Before the Kaiser came
Swallows fed on the wing
Above green meadows
Butterflies danced on the breeze
And birdsong filled the copses

Then the Kaiser came
And no longer did birds sing
Mud filled the meadows
Gunfire echoed on the breeze
And rats fed on the corpses

FLANDERS ENDURED

A wondrous pastoral scene
Green fields and meadows
Woodland and hedgerows
Unchanged for centuries
A beautiful place, a safe place
Then came war’s unkind caress
Which swept away the green
Repainted the pastoral scene
In shades of brown
And turned everything to mud
Tree trunks devoid of branches
Stood like rows of rotted teeth
In the mouth of hell
The fetid stench of detritus
Filled the air
All this did Flanders endure
The blood, the mud, the tears
For four long years
Now another kinder hand
Has touched the land
And colour has returned
From the paint box of peace

SERRIED ROWS OF CROSSES

The landscape changed
From peace to bloody war
A hellish muddy landscape
Those men had to endure

And when war was ended
The living had moved on
The dead remained on parade
To forever guard the Somme

The landscape changed
From bloody war to peace
A sombre mark of the passing
Of those who fell before the cease

Serried ranks of white crosses
Marking those who stayed
To be forever remembered
These fallen comrades on parade

FIGHTING TALK

“You’re fighting for a just cause”
That is the justification
“You’ll make the world a safer place”
“You’ll protect your nation”

These are the politician’s words
Spoken with passion and pride
Spoken away from the line of fire
Spoken from where warmongers hide

Men of empty rhetoric
These politicians never see danger
Safe on their leather seats
They never hear shots fired in anger

PROUD HERITAGE

Like many Englishmen
When our history is revealed
My forebears shed their blood
Men who never thought to yield
On the battlefields of England
And on many a foreign field

LIFE’S HIGHWAY

LIFE’S HIGHWAY # 1

No matter which road I decide to travel along
Road works have got there before me it seems
I think its part of a new government initiative
“The dig up the roads to cause congestion scheme”

LIFE’S HIGHWAY # 2

It seems that no matter which road I travel
As soon as I turn onto it the road works begin
They always get there before me with one exception
There are never any problems on the road to ruin

LIFE’S HIGHWAY # 3

It seems that no matter which road I travel
As soon as I turn onto it the road works begin
But it’s not the road works themselves I mind so much
It’s that they’re never filling the bloody Potholes in