SEX AND RELATIONSHIPS

LOVE OF THE SEA

Oh my love how you remind me of the sea
Not for being amazing, powerful and dramatic
No, you remind me of the sea my darling
Because when I’m close to you I feel sick

MULTITASKING MAIDENS

Women are supposedly very good at multitasking
Men are not, which allegedly is our biggest crime
But if women are truly capable of multitasking
Why can’t they have a headache and sex at the same time?
BINGO, BANGO, BONGO

I will call up my Dolly
To be alone would be folly
Perhaps I’ll call Holly
But should I call Polly
Or little miss Molly
To call all might be a folly
But an interesting volley
What a prospect by golly

WHIRLWIND ROMANCE

A woman is like a hurricane
Whether your partner or your spouse
When she comes she’s hot and wet
When she leaves she takes half the house

WOW YOU SMELL GREAT!

“Wow you smell great! what do you have on”?
The young woman asked in her opening gambit
“Well honey” He replied “I actually have a hard on
But I had no idea at all that you could smell it”

SHEEPISH

A man walked into his bedroom
Where his wife was preparing for sleep
And stood in the doorway
Holding a leash attached to a sheep
“Sweetheart when you have a headache
This is the cow I make love to”
The wife looked at him with utter contempt
Then took his silence as her cue
Saying ”If you weren't such a numbskull,
You’d know that's not a cow it’s a yew
He replied "If you weren't so conceited
You’d realise I wasn’t talking to you”

BREATHE THROUGH IT

A young woman had a panic attack
A side effect of British Railways
My wife and I went to her aid
But I struggled to avert my gaze
From her heaving chesticles
“Big breaths” my wife instructed her
I was still staring at her puppies, said
“No, but beautifully pert would be fare”

SHE WHO MUST BE

When first we met I thought of her
She who must be an angel
When we were married she became
She who must be obeyed
Now we are divorced she has become
She who must be despised

LIQUID TO SOLID

Liquid Viagra will become
The ultimate cocktail I think
And be popular with the group
In need of a stiff drink

TAKE A CLOSER LOOK

You don’t need expensive binoculars
They’re a waste of money you know
Instead of bringing the object nearer
Stand closer to her bedroom window

DRINKING FROM THE UGLY POND

Alcohol was originally invented
So ugly people could have sex too
Because viewed thru beer goggles
Everyone looks beautiful to you
It also serves to add some variety
To the beautiful peoples gene pool

FRIENDSHIP DEFINED

The definition of a real friend
Is someone who would never let a girlfriend
Drink to such excess that they will try
To have sex with a very ugly guy

WORKPLACE WOES

9 out of 10 women
At my company
Accused me of sexual harassment
And are suing me
And I’m being sued for discrimination
By plain Jane my 10th employee

PLAYING DRESS UP

To surprise her husband and add some spice
She dressed in tight black leather Basque
Six-inch stilettos heels, black stockings
Black garter belt and a leather mask
When he walked through the door he said
“Oi Batman what’s for dinner may I ask”?

BEACH ETIQUETTE

A naked man sunbathing at the beach
In order to preserve his dignity
And protect it from the sun
Placed his hat over his thingamy

A passing woman smiled and said
“A gentleman would lift his hat for a lady”
He replied “If you get your kit off
Madam it will raise itself, maybe”

DRIVING RAIN

Wipers swish
Expelling the rain drops
Heater whirls
Expelling heat to clear the mist
Headlights burn
Expelling darkness and fear
It’s a dirty night
But the doggers will be here

A STIFF DRINK

Viagra may soon be available in liquid form,
And will assist the flaccid when it’s done
By making it possible for a man to perform
By literally pouring himself a stiff one

IN THE COLD LIGHT OF DAY

If you are the sort of woman who believes
Life is too short to dance with ugly men
Then you almost certainly believe
It’s too short to have sex with them
Just remember that when you get drunk
There are no ugly men to offend you
And I bet you’ve never bedded an ugly man
But I’m sure you’ve woken up with a few