I HAVE MY FIVE A DAY

 

I have my five a day

Every day of the week

Here is today’s list

Just you have a peek

Two Fig Newton’s and

A banana milk shake

One chocolate orange

And a carrot cake

THE FIRE OFFICER’S INSPECTION

 

The fire officer did his inspection today

And he asked me “In the event of a fire,

Tell me what steps would you take?"

I replied "Bloody big ones" squire

I AM BLESSED WITH FRIENDS

 

I am blessed with friends

Some of them are fruity

Some are soaked in alcohol

Some of them are nutty

Some are sweet

Some add spice

Some add zest

Some smell nice

An abundance of riches

My friend’s numbers are Rife

And when mixed together

They are the fruit cake of life

A PERFECT GIFT

 

I just bought my wife a new fridge

I’ve just been online and paid for it

I’m so excited I can’t wait to see

Her face light up when she opens it

BLEAK FORECAST

 

There was Snow in the forecast!

And the TV weather girl said

“I’m expecting 8 inches tonight”

I thought to myself, “what a big head”

And anyway, with a face like that

She’d need her vibrator Instead

WE HAD A TRIVIA QUIZ

 

We had a Trivia quiz at the pub last night

And I got most of the questions right

But the final question was a mare

“Where do women have the curliest hair?”

I thought “this is an easy one for me”

The correct answer was actually Fiji

TRANSFUSION CONFUSION

Scientists have completed a study

And transfusions of Chicken blood

Are more beneficial medically

 

The positive side effects are that

It tends to make the men cocky

And women lay more regularly