STAYING ATTRACTIVE

 

It seems to me that a man in his middle years

Is rendered more attractive, almost immediately,

To the opposite sex, if found to be wealthy

And/or he is a well-known TV celebrity

ARE YOU WEARING A BRA?

 

Are you wearing a bra?

It doesn’t look as if you are

I think underneath your shirt

Your breasts are free and pert

And clearly if they are

Then you don’t need to wear a bra

PEARL’S A SINGER

 

Pearl's a singer,

She stands up,

When she plays the piano

In a night club

 

Pearl has a sister,

She really pongs

And that’s why she’s lonely

Her job was entertaining folks,

Singing songs and telling jokes

In a nightclub

 

Shirl’s her sister, and they say,

That she once was a winner, now she’s hopeless

Shirl's a minger, and they say,

That she once had a shower

They said it was about a year a go

When she succumbed to the B.O.

It was rancid

 

Shirl’s a minger

She stands out

Coz she won’t lose the BO

In a bathtub

NIGHTIE NIGHT

 

I was feeling fruity last night

But my wife wasn’t in the mood

She said she was too tired

For doing anything rude

 

But I was still feeling fruity

So, I pleaded for her to succumb

Finally, she said “ok”,

“Pull my nightie down when you’re done”

MY WIFE IS MAD YET

 

My wife is mad

Last night she snored so loud

That she woke herself up

Then she hit me

For snoring so bloody loud

That I woke her up

 

But to add insult onto injury

Which left me upset

I was the one who hadn’t

Even been to sleep yet

THE NEWS OF THE WORLD

 

The News of the World

Oh, the irony is sweet

The news of the screws

That tawdry scandal sheet

 

Hoisted on its own petard

Because of its crime

They have become their papers

Biggest scandal of all time

THE WIDOW’S MITE

 

The Vicar’s sermon

Frank and forthright

Raised the question

Of the widow’s mite

 

Quite unnecessary

In my humble view

Because in our parish

There are only two

And I know for a fact

That they both do