USE AS DIRECTED

 

If you should confuse your Valium

With your birth control pills, beware

You’ll end up with sixteen kids

But I don’t suppose you’ll care

I’D DO ANYTHING, REPRISE

 

Just another in a long line

Of talent shows from hell

Just another TV concept

Ringing out its death knell

 

But how clever is the Lord

To have the dear old BBC

Foot the bill for the auditions

Out of the TV license fee

 

Then the members of the public

Who vote as they view

Get to Pay via the phone-ins

For the shows advertising too

MENOPAUSE FOR THOUGHT

 

There is a natural order in life

There are rules to be understood

For example, bearing children

There is a time limit on motherhood

The term “childbearing years”

Was coined for a very simple reason

So that everything in life

Can have its time and season

A Woman over fifty is ill equipped

To show a baby proper care

As she would put the baby down

And then forget where

SWEET MYSTERY

 

For Valentine’s Day

My husband, so sweet

Bought handmade chocolates

For me as a treat

In a flower covered box

Came the delicious confection

But I am at a loss to answer

A most curious question

How can two pounds of chocs

So delicious on the lips

Manage in just one night

To put 5lbs on my hips

LADS AND LADDETTES

 

Going out

Saturday nights

Looking for birds

Looking for fights

Getting ratted

Getting pissed

Getting groped

Getting kissed

Getting angry

Getting miffed

Getting slapped

Getting biffed

Getting punched

Getting kicked

Getting gobby

Getting nicked

Getting queasy

Getting sick

Sleeping it off

Down the nick

This is what

Young lads do

It’s always been

It’s nothing new

 

Going out

On the weekend

Looking for fun

Going with friends

Getting ratted

Getting pissed

Getting groped

Getting kissed

Getting angry

Getting miffed

Getting slapped

Getting biffed

Getting punched

Getting kicked

Getting gobby

Getting nicked

Getting queasy

Getting sick

Sleeping it off

Down the nick

This is what

The laddettes do

I guess that that

Is equality for you

SENIOR HIGH

 

I haven’t felt myself lately

The symptoms seldom vary

Lethargy, listlessness and apathy

And if I stand up quick, I go dizzy

My son said as a matter of fact

He has to smoke two joints to feel like that

MR & MRS ATM

 

No need to park your car

Before withdrawing your money

There is now a drive through ATM

For people in a hurry

 

Mr ATM drives up to the cash machine

And before putting his card in

Winds down his window

Then types in his PIN

Enters the cash amount required

Retrieves card, receipt and cash

Winds up his window

Then off he can dash 

That’s simple enough I think   

They’ve made it as easy as they can

The procedure isn’t hard

Though clearly designed for a man

Unfortunately, the machines

Are not exclusively for men

And that is the only problem

With a drive through ATM

 

Mrs ATM drives up to the cash machine

Stops then reverses the car

Then drives forward once more

Because she backed up too far

With the car window now aligned

With that of the ATM

She applies the parking brake

And is ready to begin

She grabs her handbag

And tips out everything

Onto the passenger seat

To find her card holder thing

She tells her best friend

She will call her back later

Then hangs up the phone

And finds her debit card holder

She tries to insert card

Then winds down her window

She tries to insert card

Then leans out through the window

Because of the great distance

Separating the two of them

She opens the car door

So, she can reach the ATM

She inserts her card

The machine makes a bleeping sound

She re-inserts her card

The right way round

She rummages in her bag

To find her PIN

And finds her diary

That has the number written in

At last she is ready

And she enters her PIN

Then she press’s cancel

And enters the correct PIN

She enters the cash amount required

Retrieved her cash and receipt

Then checked the state of her hair

When sitting back in her seat

She empties her handbag again

And with her purse located

She places the cash inside

And the debit amount is duly recorded

She checks her makeup in the mirror

Then drives forward about a yard

Before reversing back to cash machine

Where she retrieves her card

She empties her handbag again

And locates the card holder

Then places her card into it

And checks her hair in the mirror

She redials her friend on her mobile

And gives the irate male driver

A really dirty look

For impatiently waiting behind her

She pulls away from the ATM

Stops and restarts the stalled engine

Then drives for five miles

Before finally releasing the hand brake again