POLLSTER

 

There was a female guest

On TV today

She said she’d done a poll

Which one she didn’t say

But by the look of her

She done most of Europe anyway

A LITTLE OFF THE TOP

 

On my last visit to the hairdresser

I was asked “Something for the weekend sir”?

Well, I was taken aback without a doubt

I replied, “Do you have any tiling grout”?

OLD MADAM

 

I was confronted by my mother-in-law

And as I fell under her icy stare

I asked “Shouldn’t you be knitting

Under a guillotine somewhere?”

BOWLED A BMW

 

I like to take driving holidays abroad

Last year it was Belgium and the lowlands

But the year I went down to Berlin

Wasn’t anywhere as good as Holland

The problem with driving German cars

Is they keep trying to head for Poland

CAESAR FOR SOOTH

 

Wear the strides of starch? What plan is that 

A couth player kids you dare the strides of starch

Get him to score for me? Get me his place

Yellow some of the thongs look upon a geezer

Plot may plow to the sea cow

Chic won aclaim

Wear the strides of starch

She is a cleaner Petula Cleavesden-Arse

WATCH THE TIME

A man with one good watch

Always knows the time of day

But a man with two watches

Is never sure what time to say 

IT HAPPENED AT THE LIDO – UNSUITABLE VIEWING FOR A BOY

When I was growing up in the sixties we lived in North London and one of the things I really loved to do was to go swimming.

We were quite well fixed for pools in the area, and I would swim until the chlorinated water left my eyes red and sore.

But of all the pools I swam in, the one I loved to swim in most of all was the Durnsford Road Lido especially during the summer months.

It was only sixpence to get in and for that poultry sum you could stay all day long which of course I did, and I would spend as many days of the holidays there as I could.

Playing with friends and watching Mad Jack stunt diving off the high platform.

When I first started to go there it was just a joy to spend all the time in the sparkling water.

As I got older, I would come to appreciate the many delicacies on which to feast the eyes upon, delicacy’s invisible to an eleven-year-old boy’s eye.

 

On one particular visit after I’d got the maximum value from my sixpence and enjoyed a full day in the pool.

I was getting changed I caught sight of something quite disturbing as an old man stepped out of the shower.

Though when I say he was an old man I should point out that from the perspective of an eleven-year-old everyone over twenty was old.

But just as he passed me, he lowered his towel, though not in a pervy way, and he revealed the biggest scrotum I had ever seen, not that I had seen a lot of scrota and those I had seen belonged to my peer group so were somewhat pink and hairless.

But not only was this old man’s scrotum huge it was also purple, in fact it looked like a large purple boxing glove.

I was taken aback by the extraordinary spectacle but with my limited knowledge of old men’s genitalia I was left to conclude that I was destined to acquire a large purple ball bag of my own.

And as I stood there holding my speedos in front of my shrivelled specimen, I thought

“If I’m going to get one like that, then I’m definitely going to need bigger trunks”