WIND BREAKER

 

When women break wind

The smell isn’t offensive to noses

Their farts smell more, they claim

Of lavender or roses

SEXUAL DISCRIMITATION

Sex is discriminatory

And I will tell you why

It discriminates against

The ugly and the shy

THE PERFECT WOMAN

 

The perfect woman

Doesn’t fart

Like a trumpet sounding

But rather it is released

Like she’s gently sighing

 

The perfect woman

Doesn’t belch

Out the word Bulawayo

But rather releases it

Behind her hand delicately

 

The perfect woman

Doesn’t sweat

Or anything like as vulgar

If they overheat

The darlings just perspire

 

The perfect woman

Doesn’t swear

Only shit and maybe bloody

If they stub their toe

Its sod it or even buggeration

 

The perfect woman

Doesn’t exist

They fart and blame the cat

They belch and blame the food

They sweat and blame the change

They swear and blame the man

STAR WARS DAY

 

It’s may the 4th

Felicitations to you

Its Star Wars day

May the fourth be with you

THE LADY VANISHES 2013

 

I’ve just watched the BBC’s new dramatization of The Lady Vanishes and I have to say hats off to Screen Writer Fiona Seres who reworked the Hitchcock classic to the point that only the title remained.

I should say that the excellent cast should in no way feel any responsibility for this flop after all you can’t make a silk purse from a sow’s ear.

I can only assume that she had never seen the original 1938 version of the British comic thriller directed by Alfred Hitchcock and Written by Sidney Gilliat and Frank Launderand.

This classic starred Margaret Lockwood and Michael Redgrave and was both critically acclaimed as a masterpiece and was a box office smash.

Even director Anthony Pages 1979 remake, though a pale imitation of Hitchcock’s original, was a far superior offering than the one served up last night.

Ms Seres should also be commended not only for the Lady Vanishing but also the iconic characters, Charters and Caldicott, on top of which she managed to vanish any hint of suspense.

WHATS IN A NAME (18)

Does anyone think is Ian Pacey?

Does anyone know is Rebecca Lacey?

Did anyone think will Ivan Sag?

Does anyone know does Melvyn Bragg?

GO CSO

 

A community support officer

Today seized a handgun replica

The headline in the local paper

Told the story of his endeavor

“An imitation handgun or replica

Was seized by an imitation officer”