PROFESSIONALS

Doctors, dentists, lawyers

And all that professional lot

Are only ever on time for appointments

When you're not

LOST LUGGAGE

 

It was a dreadful flight

And it was late as well

Then I couldn't find my case

On the baggage carousel

So, I went to “lost luggage”

To report the loss of it

The woman looked the part

But I didn’t trust her a bit

She said she would apply 

Her professional hand

Then she said “now tell me

“When does your plane land?”

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 288

As I was going to Banbury Cross

My wife was less than thrilled

“For god’s sake calm down” she said

“You’re going to get us killed

THE LABORS OF HERACLES # 05: THE AUGEAN STABLES

Heracles when driven mad by the goddess Hera

Murdered his three children and his wife Megara

The Delphic oracle punished him for the murders

By ordering him to perform the Twelve Labors

The labors were set by king Eurystheus his cousin

The fifth labor Eurystheus Took great pleasure in

He chose a Labor he hoped would be demeaning 

And he was sure would humiliate his heroic cousin

Heracles was to clean the stables of King Augeas

And he must do it in a single day to have success

King Augeas possessed for years vast herds of cattle

Their deposits of manure was to be Heracles battle

So much had been deposited by the cattle of Augeas

That a thick aroma hung over the Peloponnesus

But Heracles Instead of using baskets and shovels

He diverted two rivers through the Augean stables

GOOD BYE BABY DOLL

You lie alone

So small, so fragile

Boxed like a doll

In a toy store window

Where passers-by say

“It’s almost lifelike”

But you are not a doll

You are not for sale

For you are not whole

The essence that was you

Has left you empty

Like a box within a box

You lie alone

Your angelic soul

Was borne to heaven

On the wings of a dove

VERY HAPPY HOUR

A man walked into a pub one Saturday night

He went to the bar and ordered a pint of light

“Certainly, Sir, that will cost you ten pence”

“Ten pence? For a pint that makes no sense”

The man exclaimed delightedly to the barman

“Special price tonight, enjoy it while you can”

The man glanced down at the bar food menu

Then he ordered steak and chips with peas too

“Yes Sir,” said the barman, “that will be fifty p”

“How much?” the man said a little doubtfully

The barman confirmed the price to the man

“Special price tonight, enjoy it while you can”

“Where's the other bloke who owns this place?”

The barman said “Upstairs, with my wife Grace”

The man asked detecting an undertone of strife 

“What's he doing upstairs with your wife?”

“He’s upstairs doing to my wife more or less”

He replied “What I'm doing to his business” 

IN A SHELL SUIT

What do you call a chicken?

The question begs

If it wears a shell suit?

It’s obviously an Egg