A Little Bit Of Humour # 156

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 390

Monday's child
Is fair of face,
(Well obviously if they don’t look
haggard on Monday morning it’s
because they don’t have any children)

ARE YOU WEARING BLUE?

Are you wearing blue?
So tell me, what’s your story?
Roedean and Oxbridge, I see
So you’ll be marrying a Tory

ROSENCRANTZ AND GUILDENSTERN # 9

Rosencrantz and Guildenstern
Contrary to the rumour, live on
They are based in Blackpool
Where they do summer season

THERE IS GREAT HUMOUR TO BE FOUND # 2

There is great humour to be found
Among the Brits in their abundance
But for me the funniest of them all
Have got to be those from Punzance

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 399

Little Jack Jingle,
He used to live single;
But his friends got tired
Of his happy single life
And bullied and cajoled
Until he got himself a wife

EPIPHANY IS DESCRIBED IN THE LEXICON

Epiphany is described in the lexicon
Simply as a divine manifestation
But when she disrobed before me
It was a Magnificent Divest-ion

LOVE IS ALL ABOUT SHARING

Love is all about sharing
It’s the corner stone, you see
When my wife gets the flu
She always shares it with me

I HAD TWO EXAMS TODAY

I had two Exams today, English Oral
Followed by the French equivalent one
They were both hard, the only difference
Being the additional application of tongue

CAN I HAVE A GLASS OF RICE WINE

“Can I have a glass of Rice Wine”
I said “Beer makes me bilious”
The puzzled barman replied “Sake?”
I added “No I was being serious”

I SURVIVED TESTICULAR CANCER

I survived testicular cancer, but when
I was in Asda I screamed out in terror
As all I could hear at the checkout was
“Unexpected item in the bagging area”

I KNOW THEY’RE SMILEY

I know they’re smiley
And I might well be odd
But I don’t like Dolphins
And I’m a congenial bod
It’s just because found
They were a clicky pod

MY YOUNG ACTRESS SISTER

My young actress sister
Has absolutely no shame
But in Hollywood she has
Found some level of fame
She’s now “Doing a pilot”
I didn’t ask for his name

THE PIE FACTORY EXPLODED

The pie factory exploded
And it was carnage inside
There were also casualties
As 3.14 people died

THE KOALA WAS IN SOME DISTRESS

The Koala was in some distress
In fact he was in a proper mess
As he was told he wasn’t a bear
And he didn’t think it was fair
As he was one of nature’s creations
And he had all the koalafications

I HAD TO HAVE A BLOOD TRANSFUSION ONE DAY

I had to have a blood transfusion one day
And my notes said I was blood Type A
But it was mistake which brought me low
And it was all the result of a simple Typo

I HAVE AN ADDICTIVE PERSONALITY

I have an addictive personality
I think I must have that gene
I was even addicted to soap
But thankfully I’m now clean

A Little Bit Of Humour # 155

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 389

If all the world was apple pie,
Just like it was in my dream
Then the oceans would be full
Of delicious vanilla ice cream

ARE YOU WEARING CAPRI PANTS?

Are you wearing Capri Pants?
You’d look at home on a yacht
But I can say one thing for sure
Audrey Hepburn you are not

ROSENCRANTZ AND GUILDENSTERN # 8

Rosencrantz and Guildenstern
Contrary to the rumour, are not dead
They are in the Australian jungle
Doing “I’m a Celebrity” instead

ON BURNS NIGHT

On Burns Night
One thing you must do
Is to eat the Haggis
Before it eats you

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 398

There was a little girl who had a little curl
A pretty girl with a smile to dazzle
But that wasn’t how she wanted to be
So she had a wax and vagazzle

PAUL REVERE

Obviously Paul Revere famously
Rode his horse from Boston
Because the horse was too heavy
For him to carry to Lexington

THERE WERE TWO FLAGS FLYING ON ADJACENT POLES

There were two flags flying on adjacent poles
In all weathers as wind and hail they braved
And in all the years the two flags silently flew
They never once spoke, they simply waved

I AM DEEPLY IN LOVE AND JOYOUSLY HAPPY

I am deeply in love and joyously happy
In our rewarding, loving Relationship
In fact I am walking on air in my joy
And get a natural high from our elationship

I WENT FOR HEALTH AND SAFETY TRAINING

I went for Health and Safety training
On the safe and proper use of a ladder
And when the instructor began with
“Step one” I couldn’t have been gladder

OLD CLASSIC SONGSMITHS CROON

Old classic songsmiths croon
Their sweet romantic tune
Of the lovers sweet embrace
Beneath a silent silvery moon

WHEN I FIRST SAW THE BLUE PLANET

When I first saw the Blue Planet
Being advertised on widely on TV
I have to confess that nature wasn’t
The first thought that came to me

COUPLES ON THE DANCE FLOOR

Couples on the dance floor
In the heat of their oscillation
Can very easily find themselves
In an agreeable osculation

SADIQ KHAN, PHOTO OP BOY

For little Sadiq, appearing big
Is the name of the game
So if its bad news, photo op boy
Is on scene to apportion blame,
If it’s good he’s there, so that
All the praise is his to claim

MY FATHER IN LAW IS FULL OF IT

My father in law is full of shit
And I say that without hesitation
He would disagree obviously
As he would call it constipation

I HAVE COME TO THE CONCLUSION

I have come to the conclusion
That atoms are conniving
Deceitful and untrustworthy
Because they make up everything

IN HIS ADVENTURE’S

In his adventure’s against
Captain Hooks pirate band
Peter Pan always flies
Because he can Neverland

A Little Bit Of Humour # 154

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 388

Twinkle, Twinkle, little star
I think there’s something wrong
Because you have the same tune
As that annoying Alphabet Song

ARE YOU WEARING YELLOW?

Are you wearing yellow?
A brave choice for one so sallow
With thick wrinkled skin like a Tangelo
But for all that you seem quite mellow
So why are you wearing yellow?
Oh, you’re that Vince Cable fellow

ROSENCRANTZ AND GUILDENSTERN # 7

Rosencrantz and Guildenstern
I can confirm are deceased no more
Though close enough, as they are
Hosting Bake Off on Channel 4

THERE IS GREAT HUMOUR TO BE FOUND # 1

There is great humour to be found
Among the numerous Americans
But for me the funniest of them all
Have got to be the Punsylvanians

I WAS ASKED WHO I WANTED

I was asked who I wanted
To celebrate my birthday
My answer was as easy as ABC
“Anyone but Chardonnay”

LAST NIGHT I UPDATED

Last night I updated
My social media profile
But my wife didn’t
Like my picture style
In fact she said I looked
Like a paedophile

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 397

Molly, my sister and I fell out,
And what do you think it was all about?
Well I loved Miranda and so did she
And she made Miranda cheat on me

ACCEPTED WISDOM IT WOULD SEEM

Accepted wisdom it would seem
Proclaims there’s no “I” in team
So that must mean that Teamwork
Will inevitably make the dream work

CARRIER BAG, CARRIER BAG

Am I the only one,
Is it really only me?
That has a carrier bag
Hanging purposefully
Dedicated for the use as
A carrier bag repository

CITIZENS OF WESTERN DEMOCRACY’S

Citizens of Western democracy’s
Will cross the world to fight for it
But are so disinterested that they
Won't cross the street to vote for it

AT WHAT POINT DO MISTAKES

At what point do
Mistaken repetitions
Made over time
Become traditions

HE WAS HARD AS NAILS

He was hard as nails,
And the man terrified me
His reputation is the fact,
Supported by Testimony,
That he once jogged home
After having a vasectomy

I HAVE GIVEN UP SEX FOR LENT # 3

I have given up sex for Lent
Which is to some small extent
An empty gesture on my part
As to stop I’d first need to start

A VOYAGE ROUND MY FATHER (5)

I’m from a big Family
And my dad said to me
“Your brother is going to Italy
With his new lady”
I said “Oh really, Genoa?”
“No I haven’t met her”

BEING IN THE MEDICAL PROFESSION

Being in the medical profession
And being a private practitioner
Is the most tedious, as it requires
More patients than any other

YOU LOOK LIKE A MILLION DOLLARS

“You look like a million dollars”
I told my wife and she was all aglow
I didn’t explain that meant not as good
As she did twenty years ago

HAPPY AS LARRY

Apparently, being Happy as Larry
Means you’re a happy Chappie
But I want to know who Larry is
And whys he so bloody happy

A Little Bit Of Humour # 153

I HAVE GIVEN UP SEX FOR LENT # 2

I have given up sex for Lent
Which is to some small extent
An empty gesture on my part
As I had to as I have a bad heart

A VOYAGE ROUND MY FATHER (6)

At a get together with Family
My widowed father told me
That he had found a new lady
“We’re off to Portuguese India”
“Oh really” I said, “Goa?”
“No” he said “she’s a bit demure”

ARE YOU WEARING GREEN?

Are you wearing green?
My pretty young Coleen
And that’s everything so?
Well that’s nice to know
And is an image to bewitch
If you do mean every stitch

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 387

Mary, Mary, quite contrary
Decided to sow Stock seed
But later she realised her error
After sowing Japanese knotweed

ARE YOU WEARING PEDAL PUSHERS?

Are you wearing pedal pushers?
I think it’s their appearance you like
Given that you are a sedentary being
And you can’t even ride a bike

ROSENCRANTZ AND GUILDENSTERN # 6

Rosencrantz and Guildenstern
Contrary to the rumour of their demise
Are working as the Chuckle Brothers
In their most cunning disguise

A VOYAGE ROUND MY FATHER (7)

He said “I was asked by my daughter,
If I could go out to East Africa”
I retorted “that’s amazing, Kenya?”
He replied “No I had to disappoint her”

MY FRIENDS CALL ME SNAKE HIPS

My friends call me snake hips
Though not because I’m thin
I earned my unfortunate nickname
Because I have really dry skin

WHEN MY BROTHER WAS AT COLLEGE

When my brother was at college
He had an unusual nickname
Which was the “snow plough”
Because of his appetite for cocaine

LOVE IS ABOUT THE COMPROMISE

Love is about the compromise
It’s the corner stone I would say
For example if we should disagree
We compromise and do it her way

WHEN ASKED WHAT HE DID FOR A LIVING # 3

When asked what he did for a living
He replied furtively “I’m a spy”
Then he added he was from Belarus
And clarified “I’m a Minsk Spy”

TO HAVE VOICES IN MY HEAD

I believe it’s quite normal
To have voices in my head
Listening to them is usual
Sometimes I argue instead
However, if I were to lose
The argument, I’d be dead

IT WAS A SPECIAL TIME WHEN WE WED

It was a special time when we wed
In front of family, friend and piers
We found it a very emotional day
Even the Wedding cake was in tiers

TWO HUNDRED AND EIGHTY EIGHT LOVERS

“Two hundred and eighty eight lovers”
Was not what I expected, not even close
But that was what my mum confessed
And to be honest that was just two gross

IF ALL THE SEAS WERE DRIED UP

If all the seas were dried up,
Every bay, lagoon and ocean
Would Poseidon understand why?
Would he even have a notion?

WHAT SHAPE IS A KISS

What shape is a kiss?
Oh my now I’m in a pickle
Well if you press me
I would say it’s a lip-tickle

A Little Bit Of Humour # 152

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 386

Harlequin ladybird, fly away home
Your kind are not welcome here
So get your Harlequin spotted arse
Back to where you belong in Asia

ARE YOU WEARING CLAM DIGGERS?

Are you wearing clam diggers?
How very beachcomber of you
However inappropriate, given
The fact seafood makes you spew

ROSENCRANTZ AND GUILDENSTERN # 5

Rosencrantz and Guildenstern
Contrary to the rumour, are not dead
But are doing an Elizabethan tribute act
At the Edinburgh Fringe instead

ARE YOU WEARING GREEN?

Are you wearing green?
My pretty young Coleen
And that’s everything so?
Well that’s nice to know
And is an image to bewitch
If you do mean every stitch

A VOYAGE ROUND MY FATHER (6)

At a get together with Family
My widowed father told me
That he had found a new lady
“We’re off to Portuguese India”
“Oh really” I said, “Goa?”
“No” he said “she’s a bit demure”

I HAVE GIVEN UP SEX FOR LENT # 1

I have given up sex for Lent
Which should not disconcert
As I haven’t done it for six years
So another month won’t hurt

ARE YOU WEARING SHAMROCK?

Are you wearing shamrock?
And Patrick is patron saint, but why?
Did he drive the snakes out of Ireland?
Or did he just have a great PR guy?

THE PERFECT FATHER’S DAY GIFT

On Father's Day, I want to give my Dad
The very best present that I can get
One that he wants more than anything
But I can't afford to move out yet

IF YOU ARE A LOVER OF PUNS

If you are a lover of puns
Then on shrove Tuesday
There is only one conclusion
And that that its pun-cake day

I TOOK MY DOG TO A BONFIRE PARTY

I took my dog to a bonfire party
And he stared at the fire blankly
I twigged as I watched the fiery licks
It was because he loved sticks
In fact sticks were one of his joys
So the fire was like a pile of his toys

ALTHOUGH IT HAS BECOME A FAMILY TRADITION

Although it has become a family tradition
Not everyone over eats on Thanksgiving
And of course I’m referring to the Turkeys
Because they were stuffed in the beginning

HOOCHIE COOCHIE

I really like to smooch
With my hoochie cooch
And the times I am in bliss
Is when we hug and kiss
Because I’m just a sucker
For my honey’s pucker

WHAT THE PAPERS SAY

They were reviewing the papers
On TV this morning
And A4 is still the most popular
So that’s quite boring

CHEESE DO

I went to a cheese function
For cheese from Brie to Blue
When the hot cheese appeared
It all became a really fun do

DAWN ROSE ON THE DESERT

Dawn rose on the desert
In the crisp morning air
But she didn’t have a clue
How she actually got there

RISKY BEHAVIOURS

She woke up on Sunday morning
And regretted her risky behaviours
Muttering as she looked at her partner
“I should have gone to Specsavers”

Halloween 2017

ARE YOU WEARING BLOODY CLOTHES?

Are you wearing bloody clothes?
I don’t mind admitting that you look scary
I hope it’s a Halloween costume and you
Haven’t escaped from the penitentiary

HALLOWEEN IS A CONTEST

For my friends and I, Halloween is a contest
And I go all out to beat them all
This year I dressed my dog up as a cat
But now he won’t come when I call

GOTH HALLOWEEN

I wonder if Halloween is the only
Day of the year that the goths
Dress colorfully like butterflies
Instead of the normal drab moths

THE LESSON THAT HALLOWEEN TEACHES

The lesson that Halloween teaches
Us all, Might well strike a chord
It’s pretending to be something you're not
Which will lead to a sweet reward

ARE YOU WEARING HALLOWEEN SPATS?

Are you wearing Halloween spats?
Well I don’t like them much
But I have to admit that the spatter
Of blood is a very nice touch

A HOLIDAY DECEPTION # 2

I pretend to be someone I’m not
Just to receive something sweet
Which could be for Valentine’s Day
Or just for a Halloween treat

I MET A GIRL ON HALLOWEEN,

I met a girl on Halloween,
Wearing blood suckers attire
But alas she wasn’t costumed
She was actually a vampire

THANK GOODNESS FOR HALLOWEEN,

Thank goodness for Halloween,
I can say that without hesitation
Because the cobwebs have suddenly
Become Halloween decorations

HALLOWEEN PROPOSITION

My future wife was dressed like a tart
When we first met on Elm Street
And she said very provocatively
“I'll be your trick if you'll be my treat”

HALLOWEEN IS ONE OF THE FEW

Halloween is one of the very few
Acceptable times to wear body glitter
When you have a reasonable expectation
Of not being mistaken for a stripper

ARE YOU WEARING HALLOWEEN SLIPPERS?

Are you wearing Halloween slippers?
They look very cute it must be said
But I think they’d look much cuter
If I was to see them under my bed

HALLOWEEN IS ALL ABOUT CANDY

Halloween is all about Candy
Which can be very droll
Unless she has daddy issues
And swings from a pole

WHY COULDN'T THE WITCH HAVE CHILDREN?

Why couldn't the witch have children?
It wasn’t just because she was a meanie
The answer is far more fundamental
Because her husband had a hallow weenie

ARE YOU WEARING HALLOWEEN SOCKS?

Are you wearing Halloween socks?
Beneath your skirt? it’s hard to see
And gives me pause to wonder
How high they go above the knee

I AM BEING HAUNTED BY

I am being haunted by
A dancing ghostly vision
Who really has the moves
So I call him Boogie Man

HALLOWEEN FANCY DRESS

My friend asked me
What I was going to be
For Halloween
I said “Drunk will do me”

HALLOWEEN IS JUST AN EXCUSE

Halloween is just an excuse
For girls to dress inappropriately
And that’s why Halloween
Is the best holiday for me

ARE YOU WEARING HALLOWEEN ANKLE SOCKS?

Are you wearing Halloween ankle socks?
You know I’ve often pictured them on you
And you really don’t need anything else
Just wearing those ankle socks will do

A Little Bit Of Humour # 151

WE NEEDED A FAMILY HOLIDAY

We needed a family holiday
But lack of finances can restrict
So I had to take them all
Up to the Off Peak District

I’VE STARTED PLANNING MY HOLIDAY

I’ve started planning my holiday
Last year I went to the Canary Islands
And didn’t see a single canary
So this year I’m going to the Virgin Islands

A MAN WANTED TO GO SWIMMING

A man wanted to go swimming
With sharks when the flags flew red
Of course you can do it at a price
But it could cost an arm and a leg

WE WENT TO THE SEASIDE

We went to the seaside
And it was so grim
Even the tide was reluctant
To come back in

I WON AN ALL-EXPENSES PAID

I won a round the world trip,
All-expenses paid
But my wife wanted to go
Elsewhere I’m afraid

SEND ONE BAG TO TOKYO

A passenger said “Send one bag to Tokyo
And the other to Paris, is that clear?”
They said at the check in desk “you’re going
To Athens so we can’t do that I fear”
“Why ever not” the man said in reply
“That’s exactly what you did last year”

BIMBETTE PACKED ALL HER GLOVES

Bimbette packed all her gloves
Into one suit case for Santorini
When I asked her why she replied
“Because its hand luggage only”

MY WIFE TOLD THE ITALIAN WAITER BLUNTLY

My wife told the Italian waiter bluntly
Without ambiguity what she meant
That his pepper grinder was like a penis
So he thanked her for the condiment

HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN WEARING TIGHTS?

“How long have you been wearing tights?”
I asked him as we got changed for cricket
He smiled at me ruefully and then replied
“Since my wife found them in my pocket”

JEAN PIERRE AND HIS LETTERS

Jean Pierre coated his French Letters
In the famous orange liqueur digestive
His girlfriend liked flavoured condoms
He called them his Cointreau-ceptives

YOU CAN EITHER ASK ME TO DO SOMETHING

You can either ask me to do something
Or you tell me how you want it done.
But not both, if you already know best
How to do it, just do it yourself, hon

I’VE SURVIVED PROSTATE CANCER

I’ve survived prostate cancer
I've had two bypass surgeries,
I'm half blind, more than half deaf
And I have type two diabetes
I’ve had hip replacements,
An elbow and two new knees,
I can't remember if I'm 85 or 92
And when I go out I can’t go far
As I have a very weak bladder
But at least I can still drive my car

AN ELDERLY WOMAN DECIDED TO PREPARE HER WILL

An elderly woman decided to prepare her will
“I have two requests” she told her solicitor
“First, I want to be cremated, and second I want
My ashes scattered over all around Tombola
“Tombola?” the solicitor “Why a Bingo Hall?”
“Well that way I'll be sure to see my daughter”

AS I'VE MATURED

I've learned in my life that it takes years
To build up trust, and respectability
And it only takes suspicion, and not
A shred of proof, to destroy it completely

A CAT CALLED BOWLING

We have a cat called “Bowling”
So why did we call him that?
It’s obvious when you think about it
Because “Bowling” is an Alley cat

I AM NOT FRESH OR ORIGINAL

I am not fresh or original
That kind of sums up my story
And I have greyish white hair
So I am become hoary