A Little Bit Of Humour # 149

WHAT NOT TO DO IN HORROR MOVIES # 7

If you value your life avoid places
That might make your nerves jangle
A certain geographical location
For example the Bermuda Triangle

FROM WHAT CAN YOU TAKE AWAY

From what can you take away
The whole and still have some?
Is an interesting riddle isn’t it
And the answer is wholesome

A FLIRT DRESSES TO KILL

A flirt dresses to kill
In her desire to impress
A butcher on the other hand
Kills to dress

MY UNCLE IS A JOVIAL MAN

My uncle is a jovial man and at home
He is always full of good cheer
But at work he always looks forbidding
But then he is an auctioneer

LIKENED TO A TREE

A dog can be likened to a tree,
I once heard it said
Because they both lose their bark
Once they are dead

THE DESIGNED INSTITUTION

The institution of marriage was designed,
It has very often been said
In order to keep a girl out of mischief
And get her into trouble instead

I ONCE MADE A SEX TAPE

I once made a sex tape
With an old girlfriend of mine
Although the first I knew
Was when I saw it on line

THE ONLY BUSINESS MODEL

The only business model
Whose proprietor prefers
Customers with no redeeming
Qualities, are Pawnbrokers

I UPSET MY ENGLISH TEACHER

I upset my English teacher
So I tried to comfort her
And said There, Their, They’re

THE HEAD CHEF

The head chef
At my favourite restaurant
Died only the other day
And the devastating news
Came out of the blue
He just Pasta way

I WENT TO THE RESTAURANT LAST NIGHT

I went to the restaurant last night
The Maître d’ said there was a delay
And did I mind waiting, I said no
So he handed me a drinks tray

THE FRUIT AND VEG WHOLESALERS IN TOWN

The fruit and veg wholesalers in town
Has been liquidated and closed down
They looked for backers but got no takers
So now they’re owned by smoothie makers

MACARONI MOTORS

I told my wife
That I made a car
Out of Macaroni
It wasn’t until
I drove pasta
That she believed me

I HOPE YOU ENJOYED THE MEAL

The man said to his date
“I hope you enjoyed the meal
But alas I don’t have any money”
She was unfazed and replied
“If you’d told me sooner we
Could have gone somewhere classy”

COLIN TOOK A PORK PIE

For his homework
Colin took a pork pie
Around to his Aunty Grace
Because he thought
That he had to take pie
To one dismal place

A Little Bit Of Humour # 148

WHAT NOT TO DO IN HORROR MOVIES # 6

If you value your life avoid places
Famous for a murderous creature
Like a certain geographical location
Yes I’m talking about Transylvania

MEDICINAL REJECTION

“I can't be your valentine
For medical reasons” said Nick
“God is it serious?” he asked
“No you just make me sick”

THE ORIGINS OF FAT TUESDAY

The origins of Fat Tuesday
Are Anglican and Catholic
But in our town Fat Tuesday
Is an overweight biker chic

HIGHER EDUCATION IS A WONDERFUL THING

Higher education is a wonderful thing
But achieving it is not without expense
And the downside to higher education
Has been the demise of common sense

But high IQ’s and University degrees
Don’t stop them doing something stupid
Or being repeat offenders at stupidity
Whereas common sense always did

WITH OR WITHOUT HER

It wasn’t that he couldn’t live with her
That caused him to doubt
It was just that he wanted someone
He couldn’t live without

THE CHINESE DON’T WANT VISITORS TO KNOW

The Chinese don’t want visitors to know
They are being spied on in Beijing
That why the Chinese government
Changed the city’s name from Peking

POPPERS

They said they had poppers at the party
But no evidence of them could be seen
There was no strands of confetti anywhere
And the carpets were spotlessly clean

RICHARD GURLEY DREW

Richard Gurley Drew invented sellotape
In order to help out a mechanic friend
I got his autobiography for Christmas but
I didn’t finish it as I couldn’t find the end

MY DAUGHTER WAS GIVEN A NOVELTY GIFT

My daughter was given a novelty gift
Which really wasn’t intended to confuse
But the look on her face was a picture
When she held a pair of chocolate shoes

I HEARD ON THE NEWS THAT A HIJACKED SHIP

I heard on the news that a hijacked ship
Had been taken by smiley pirates
I thought that sounded quite nice but
It turned out they were Somali pirates

THE RSPCA WERE CALLED

The RSPCA were called to an emergency
But unfortunately they didn’t arrive in time
The animal was dead in the Xerox machine
It was reported to police as a copycat crime

THE USE OF DRUGS IS RIFE IN SPORT

The use of drugs is rife in sport
And it’s a worldwide thing
But people think it’s just China
And that because of Do Ping

WHEN GINGERBREAD MEN SLEEP

When a gingerbread man lays
On his bed Perchance to sleep
He does so every single night
Laying down on a cookie sheet

I SEE DECEIT IN YOUR FACE

“I see deceit in your face” said a wife
Following her husband’s deception
He didn’t help his case when he inferred
It was “a personal reflection”

THE STRUCTURE THAT TOPS THE LIST

The structure that tops the list,
By a distance or a smidge
For creating the most tension
Is clearly a suspension bridge

A Little Bit Of Humour # 147

WHAT NOT TO DO IN HORROR MOVIES # 5

If you value your life avoid places
Where demons from hell meet
Like a certain geographical location
Infamously known as Elm Street

THERE IS A VERY DISTINCT DIFFERENCE

There is a very distinct difference
Between Mardi Gras and Fat Tuesday
The former is an all-night party and
You wake up with the latter the next day

THE FEAST DAY OF SAINT PATRICK

The feast day of Saint Patrick
Is Ireland’s National Day
When the Irish people
Celebrate Saint Patrick's Day

RELATIONSHIP RULES

Anything I may have said
Six months ago to you
Is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, in my view
All comments become null and void
After a day or two

YOU SHOULD NEVER ENTERTAIN LEWD THOUGHTS

You should never entertain
Lewd thoughts, whatever you do
You should close your eyes
And let them entertain you

NONRELIGIOUS KIDS ARE ILL-INFORMED

Nonreligious kids are ill-informed
When asked the difference between
The New and Old Testament
Only one child bothered to speak up
And he thought the Kindle version
Must be the New Testament

I TOOK THE GRANDCHILDREN TO THE THEATRE

I took the grandchildren to the theatre
To watch the new pantomime Aladdin
I knew it wasn’t going to be very good
As they refunded my money on the way in

MY FATHER IN LAW FLATLY REFUSED

My father in law flatly refused to
Watch Henry the IV part two
He said “I’m not like other people
I can’t watch another sequel”

A MAN APPEARING AS HAMLET

A man appearing as Hamlet
Was booed while performing it
“Don’t blame me” he snapped
“I didn’t write this bloody shit”

THE YOUNG PERFORMER WAS EGGED ON

The young performer was egged on
To the stage by his pushy parents
But he was soon egged off it again
By an unappreciative audience

MY DAUGHTER IS AWAY AT UNIVERSITY

My daughter is away at University
And has nothing in common with ET
Because ET phoned home occasionally

I AM DOUBLY HANDICAPPED

I am doubly handicapped
Which has scuppered my plans
I am illiterate and ambidextrous
So I can’t write with both hands

THE GIRL IN THE CRINOLINE GOWN

The girl in the crinoline gown
Danced like in a dream
While moving in unfashionable
Circles it would seem

FIFTY SHADES OF GREY

Don’t talk to me about
Fifty shades of grey
I’m at the care home
Vagazaling grannies everyday

YOU’RE NEXT

If it annoys you when old people
Point at you during someone’s nuptials
And say “you’re next” just start doing
The same thing to them at funerals

A Little Bit Of Humour # 146

I WENT INTO HOSPITAL FOR MINOR SURGERY # 16

I went into hospital for minor surgery
The staff did not fill me with a sense of security
As I was going under I heard the surgeon say
“Hand me that...uh...that uh... doohicky”

DRINK GREEN BEER

Drink green beer
On St Patricks Day
It will count as one
Of your five a day

MY GRANDDADS NOT VERY TECH SAVVY

My granddads not very tech savvy
So when he got a laptop I was amazed
But when I asked what windows version
He had, he replied “double glazed”

MY GRANDSON IS ALWAYS ON HIS PHONE

My grandson is always on his phone
Its scrambled his brain I think
“What you need is a life” I said
He replied “Ok send me the link”

THE LAMB AND PUP

I walked into my local
“The Lamb and Pup”
The landlord said “Bitter?”
I replied “No just fed up”

A 16 YEAR OLD LAD

A 16 year old lad asked the barmaid for a drink
“I can’t sell you booze to quench your thirst”
She replied “Do you want to get me in trouble”
The lad smiled and said “Can I have a beer first”

WE CALL MY AUNT BETH THE EXORCIST

We call my aunt Beth the exorcist
Its cruel but we can’t resist
It’s because whenever she gets near
All the spirits disappear

BARBARA WINDSOR WENT INTO A PUB

Barbara Windsor went into a pub
After the days filming was done
And ordered a double entendre
So the barman gave her one

MY FATHER TRADES ON THE STOCK EXCHANGE

My father trades on the stock exchange
He really enjoys the thrill
Last week he traded boxes of Oxo cubes
For multiple jars of Bovril

YOU’VE BURNED THE DINNER AGAIN

“You’ve burned the dinner again” he said
To the plate with the burnt offering on
“It’s not burned, its caramelized” she retorted
“Well you’ve caramelized it to carbon”

CROSSWORD CONUNDRUM

“Seven down, “Fizzy Drink” eight letters”
I said to my fellow traveller’s arrayed
They looked at me blankly, then one said
“If it was seven up, it would be lemonade”

AN ACCIDENT IN THE KITCHEN

An accident in the kitchen
When the condiments ignited
Blew mixed herbs in my eyes
And left me Parsley-sighted

I THOUGHT HE WAS SHOT IN THE FOREST

I thought he was shot in the forest
But I was wrong, and the reason
Was a simple misunderstanding
He was shot in the Lumbar region

SISTER AGATHA AT THE CONVENT

Sister Agatha at the convent
Was somnambulistic
The sleep walking nun
Was called a Roaming Catholic

WHEN MOSES WENT TO MOUNT OLIVE

When Moses went to mount Olive
He bit off more than he could chew
As Moses thought it was just him
But he found Popeye was there too

A Little Bit Of Humour # 145

WHEN I WAS YOUNG WE ATE A HEALTHY DIET # 2

When I was young we ate a healthy diet
With plenty of fruit and vegetables
But we never thought of eating Seaweed
In fact we didn’t even know it was edible

WHAT NOT TO DO IN HORROR MOVIES # 4

If on your travels you find a town
Which looks deserted, let’s say
It’s probably like that for a reason.
So take the hint and stay away

I WENT INTO HOSPITAL FOR MINOR SURGERY # 15

I went into hospital for minor surgery
The staff did not fill me with a sense of well being
As I was going under I heard the surgeon say
“It’s a shame Page 47 of the manual was missing!”

THERE WAS ONCE A DUTCHMAN

There was once a Dutchman
Who made inflatable togs
It was a only a short career
But he popped his clogs

AN INSECT PACKER

He was interviewed for the job
Of an insect packer of bugs and thrips
He answered all the questions
And in the end boxed all the ticks

I WENT INTO HOSPITAL FOR MINOR SURGERY # 17

I went into hospital for minor surgery
And all the staff did was make me worse
As I was going under I heard the surgeon say
“No I said remove his spectacles nurse”

HOW WAS THE OP DOCTOR?

He woke up and said
“How was the op Doctor?”
“I’m not your Doctor,
I’m afraid, I’m St Peter”

WHEN TWO APPLE DEVICES

When two Apple devices
Interface when meeting
They don’t do a handshake
But do an iFive in greeting

FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION

Failure is not an option
The salesman told me
But he didn’t say it came
As standard did he

MY COMPUTER IS LIKE

My computer is like
Air conditioning as it goes
It works perfectly well
Until I start opening windows

MR OHM WANTED TO MEET SOMEONE

Mr Ohm wanted to meet someone
And start a marital home
And he just couldn’t resistor
That’s why she’s now Mrs Ohm

MY SON HAS AN IPOD

My son has an iPod
His sister has an iPad
My wife has an iPhone
And its iPay for Dad

NOW I KNOW I’VE REACH ROCK BOTTOM

Now I know I’ve reach rock bottom
It must be due to my personality
I just got in my car and I discovered
And even the Satnav’s not talking to me

HE WAS FED UP WITH HIS DEVICE

He was fed up with his device
So in frustration without flinching
He dropped his iPad in the river
And it immediately started synching

MY SISTER WORKS IN THE IT DEPARTMENT

My sister works in the IT department
And got sacked for having dyslexia
Her boss told her to “unzip his files?”
She misunderstood and he sacked her

A Little Bit Of Humour # 144

I WENT INTO HOSPITAL FOR MINOR SURGERY # 14

I went into hospital for minor surgery
The staff did not fill me with a sense of security
As I was going under I heard the surgeon say
“I think this blade is sharp enough, don't worry. “

WHAT NOT TO DO IN HORROR MOVIES # 3

When there is a raging storm outside
And an intruder with murderous intent
And the power suddenly goes out
Do not go and search the basement

WHEN I WAS YOUNG WE ATE A HEALTHY DIET # 1

When I was young we ate a healthy diet
With plenty of fruit and vegetables
And we didn’t do it under sufferance
Apart from prunes which were medicinal

ST PATRICKS DAY IS ONE OF THE FEW

St Patricks Day is one of the very few
Acceptable times to wear body glitter
When you have a reasonable expectation
Of not being mistaken for a stripper

WHEN DID YOU LAST HAVE SEX

I asked “When did you last have sex?”
My uncle replied “1956”
“That long ago” I exclaimed “Wow”
And he said “it’s only 20.35 now

LAST YEAR I WENT ON HOLIDAY TO AUSTRALIA

Last year I went on holiday to Australia
And was asked by an immigration bore
“Do you have any criminal convictions?”
I said “I didn’t think I needed one anymore”

WHAT DO YOU CALL A SHEEP TIED UP

What do you call a sheep tied up
To a lamppost with a piece of string
Well it depends where you are
But some would see it as a sure thing

THE ITALIAN CHICKEN CROSSED THE ROAD

The Italian chicken crossed the road
Because he wouldn’t fight side by side
So that was the reason he crossed the road
In order to surrender to the other side

IS THERE ANYTHING WORN UNDER THE KILT?

Is there anything worn under the kilt?
An old lady asked Mr Lauder?
“No Madam there is not” he replied
“Everything is in perfect working order”

WHAT COULD THE POSSIBLE REASON BE

If a Britain was in the World Cup Final
What could the possible reason be
There is only one probable explanation
He would have to be the Referee

THE PRUSSIAN ARISTOCRACY

How do you think they got rid,
In days bygone,
Of the Prussian Aristocracy,
It was Von by Von

WHY DO THE FRENCH EAT SNAILS?

Why do the French eat snails?
It’s an odd habit, without being rude
The only explanation I can find
Is that the French don’t like fast food

AUSTRALIAN CULTURE

Being English we like to think that
Australians have no refinement at all
But today they are not without culture
They have Greek yogurt now after all

SOPHISTICATED NORTH AMERICANS

I had heard that there was such a thing
As sophisticated North Americans
And I have to admit when I heard that
I assumed they were talking about Canadians

WAS THE FIRST MAN ADAM, AN ENGLISHMAN?

Was the first man Adam, an Englishman?
There’s a question with which to grapple
As he was stood next to a naked woman
And he had thoughts only about the apple

A Little Bit Of Humour # 143

I WENT INTO HOSPITAL FOR MINOR SURGERY # 13

I went into hospital for minor surgery
The staff did not fill me with a sense of security
As I was coming around I heard someone say
“I hope this patient has already had a family”

WHAT NOT TO DO IN HORROR MOVIES # 2

When it appears that you have succeeded
And the monster is lying dead
Do not for any reason go and check
Get the hell out of there instead

WHEN ASKED WHAT HE DID FOR A LIVING # 2

When asked what he did for a living
He replied furtively “I’m a spy”
When told he was dressed as a butcher
He added “I’m a mince Spy”

LAST NIGHT I WAS SHAKEN VIOLENTLY AWAKE

Last night I was shaken violently awake
So I thought it must be an earthquake
But I soon realised as my heart was soaring
It was just my wife telling me I was snoring

ONE DAY ON THE GOLF COURSE

One day on the golf course
I overturned my golf cart
A pretty woman came to assist
And I was attracted from the start
Elizabeth, was very attractive
And didn’t apportion blame
“Are you okay are you hurt?”
she asked “what's your name?”
“It’s Colin and I’m fine” I replied
And she invited me to her villa
which backed onto the course
“I'll help you with the cart later”
“That's kind of you,” I answered,
But my wife wouldn’t like it”
“Oh, come on,” Elizabeth insisted
“Just come in and rest for a bit”
She was very persuasive “okay,”
I agreed, “But my wife won't like it.”
After a stiff drink I said “Thank you
But I must go my wife will be upset.”
“She’ll understand” Elizabeth said
“Because you might have been hurt”
And asked “where is she by the way?”
And I replied “Under the cart!”

A LONELY FARMER DECIDED TO SEE A MOVIE

A lonely farmer decided to see a movie
And take his favourite Cockerel too
But he knew animals weren’t allowed
So he hid him down his pants, out of view
He bought a ticket, and went inside
And sat down next to two old widows
The movie started unbuttoning his fly
So the Cockerel could watch the show
And one widow whispered to the other
“The guy next to me has his thing out”
Her friend replied “Don’t be squeamish
It’s not your first nor the last no doubt,
And I’m sure you’ve seen bigger
When you’re at home watching porn”
“Well I’ve seen bigger” she agreed
“But I’ve not seen one eating my popcorn”

MY FIRST EXPERIENCE OF DRINKING COFFEE

My first experience of drinking Coffee
Was when I was a kid at school
It came in a bottle and tasted foul
“Camp” it was called and wasn’t cool

THEY DO VERY ODD THINGS WITH SPUDS

They do very odd things with spuds
Nowadays some of which seem crazy
When I was young people who didn't
Peel potatoes were regarded as lazy

INTERLOCUTOR RESPONSE

“Is it true if you’re asked a question
You answer with another question?”
A young man asked his new bride
“Who told you that?” she replied

HE DIALED 999

He dialed 999 and said.
“Send an ambulance, my wife is in Labour”
“Is this her first baby?” the operator asked
“No, this is her husband, Trevor”

THE ROADS WERE UNEVEN AND BUMPY

The roads were uneven and bumpy,
Potholed and rutted
Which is no more than what
You come to expect
Of a third world country
Unfortunately I was driving in Surrey

THE OVER 50 EXERCISE PLAN

With a 2kg potato bag in each hand,
Extend your arms straight out from your sides
And hold them there as long as you can.

Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.
Each day you'll find that you can hold
This position for just a bit longer on this plan.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 5kg potato bags.
Then try 25kg potato bags and eventually 50kg bags
When you are ready put a potato in each of the bags.

I DECIDED TO TAKE AN AEROBICS CLASS FOR SENIORS

I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
And I had to gyrate, jump, twist and bend
And I sweated for an hour, but, by the time I got
My leotard on, the class was already at an end

ST PATRICKS DAY FANCY DRESS

My friend asked me
What I was going to be
For St Patricks Day
I said “Drunk will do me”

PEPERAMI IS A BIT OF AN ANIMAL

Peperami is a bit of an animal
Is the pitch the adverts hit
But its animal origins aside
I would like to know “what bit”