A Little Bit Of Humour # 59

HEROES RETURN – BRAZIL 2014

England will fly home
Into Glasgow Airport
Thus ensuring, a heroes
Welcome of a sort

ROSES ARE BLUE

Roses are Blue
I can see them on view
Rose you are red
Was it something I said?

MILESTONE 60 # 5

Wow you look good for your age
And it was hard for me to gauge
But what proves you are an old man
Is that you’re a Jim Reeves fan

ARE YOU WEARING GROWNUP CLOTHES?

Are you wearing grownup clothes?
No! My youth is not done
Growing up is for trees
I’ll stay young and have fun

ARE YOU WEARING ADULT CLOTHES?

Are you wearing adult clothes?
Growing up is such a crime
I know you are only young once,
But you can be immature for a lifetime

MILESTONE 70 # 1

If I'd realised I was going
To live beyond my sixties
I'd have taken better care
Of myself in the sixties

I CONCENTRATE, EVERY SECOND

I concentrate, every second
I can never slack
Once my dad let his mind wander,
And it never came back

MILESTONE 70 # 2

You gain knowledge, dignity
Tolerance and serenity
As you get older without a doubt
And then your teeth fall out.

ARE YOU WEARING OLD MAN CLOTHES?

Are you wearing old man clothes?
Why for pity sake old pal
Growing old is mandatory.
But growing up is optional

ARE YOU WEARING YOUR BIRTHDAY CLOTHES?

Are you wearing your birthday clothes?
Well if I might be so bold
Don’t just sit there
Do something old

ARE YOU WEARING YOUR BIRTHDAY SUIT?

Are you wearing your birthday suit?
This will probably be, old lad
Your best birthday ever
With all the practice you've had

I FIND MODERN LIVING HARD TO FATHOM

I find modern living hard to fathom
As life throws up unlikely pairs
For few women admit their age
And even fewer men act theirs

FORGETFUL

I forget names; I forget faces;
I even forget to zip up my fly
But by far the worst thing
Is forgetting to unzip your fly

THE SILVER VOTERS

The nations older aged voters
Are not that easy to impress
Because as you grow older
You stand for more and fall for less

ARE YOU WEARING CUSTODIAL WEAR?

Are you wearing custodial wear?
And that must be three days
You must stop thinking about prisons
Your mind works in Strangeways

A Little Bit Of Humour # 58

ENGLAND INEPT IN BRAZIL 2014

There has only been one thing
More inept than England and it
Is Alan Shearer’s pompously
Hapless performance as a pundit

ROSES ARE RED

Roses are red
Apples are fruity
Show us your tatt
I bet it’s a beauty.

ONE POTATO TWO POTATO

Roast potato
New potato
Boiled potato
Sure
Mashed potato
Waffled potato
Baked potato
More
Wedges with dips
Hash browns and Chips
You should eat your fill
Of the Dublin mixed grill

THE EVOLUTION OF MAN

From good boy
To a nice kid
A promising start
Then from a great guy
To a fine man
And finally an old fart

YOU ARE PASSED YOUR PRIME

You're not really old, though
You are passed your prime
But you’ve not been young
For a very, very long time

WITH OLD AGE COMES WISDOM

With old age comes wisdom
Which is enlightening
And we learn to avoid
Things that maybe frightening
Like choosing candlelight
Instead of fluorescent lighting

DON’T PLAY SECOND FIDDLE

Don’t play second fiddle
Don’t be a mistress, be a wife
You must always be
The leading lady in your own life

UNDER ANY CONCEIVABLE CIRCUMSTANCE

Under any conceivable circumstance
I wouldn’t hesitate to admit
I would much rather be over the hill
Than find myself under it

MY GRANDDAD WAS WONDERFUL

My Granddad was wonderful
He always smiled and never frowned
He’d always have a treat for me
He was Father Christmas all year round

OLD GEEZER FOR SALE

50 year old,
Needs TLC, well used
One previous owner
No reasonable offer refused

I DOUBT IT BUT IF IT’S ACTUALLY TRUE

I doubt it but if it’s actually true,
And it’s not an exaggeration,
And things do get better with age
Then I must have reached perfection

IN THE NINETIES WE ALL LOVED TO DANCE

In the nineties we all loved to dance along to
Billy Ray Cyrus and his “Achy Breaky Heart”
Now I’m approaching my seventies I've got
Achy, breaky everything and I’m falling apart

LIFE BEGINS AT 40 # 3

You’re forty years old
Which is when, they say
Life begins for you
On that most special day
But if you drink too much
You will certainly pay
Because now you’re old
You’ll be hungover all day

THE YOUNG BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE

The young beautiful people
Think they are acts of nature,
But the beautiful old people
Know they’re works of art for sure

MILESTONE 60 # 4

I don’t want you to think that today
I think of you as a little older
I wouldn’t think that on your birthday
Actually I think of you as a lot older

A Little Bit Of Humour # 57

ENGLAND IN BRAZIL 2014

You should always have a plan B
In Completive football I’d say
Unfortunately for England though
They neglected to have a plan A

THE DIVORCE COURT JUDGE SAID

The divorce Court Judge said “Mr. Curtis,
I have decided to give your wife £500 a week”
“That’s very fair, your honour,' Mr Curtis said
“I can manage a few quid myself at a squeak”

WE WERE SHOPPING FOR HOLIDAY CLOTHES

We were shopping for holiday clothes
And we were very nearly done
When my wife reached the swimwear
“Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?”
She asked me so I replied “get a bikini”
'You will never get it all in one”

THE GRAVESIDE SERVICE WAS OVER

The graveside service was over,
When there was a clap of thunder,
Followed by a bolt of lightning,
Then a louder clap of thunder
The old man turned and said
“Well she’s arrived then Vicar”

DARLING LET ME JUST SAY THIS

Darling let me just say this
For your future information
If you expect me to follow
The flow of the conversation

Then you must at least try
Whenever possible, please say
Whatever you have to say
During the commercials, ok?

LISTEN I AM NOT A MIND READER

Listen I am not a mind reader
And I never will be to be fare
But if I ask you what is wrong
My lack of mind-reading skills
Does not prove that I don’t care

IF I ASK YOU WHAT IS WRONG

If I ask you what is wrong
And you reply “nothing’s wrong”
I will act as if nothing’s wrong

Even though I know you are lying
I will not continue prying
It’s just not worth the hassle trying

IF YOU ASK A QUESTION

If you ask a question, you
Don’t want an answer to,
Then to be perfectly clear
Expect an answer you don't want to hear

IF SOMETHING I SAID, CAN BE

If something I said, can be
Interpreted two ways, and one
Of the ways makes you sad or angry,
I meant the other one

WHEN WE HAVE TO GO SOMEWHERE

When we have to go somewhere,
Then absolutely anything, to be fair
Is honestly fine for you wear

BEER AND FOOTBALL

Beer and football are
As exciting for me
As handbags and shoes
Are for you, really

I WENT TO A POSH JEWELLER

I went to a posh jeweller to buy a new watch,
And I told the geezer I wanted it really top notch
So he said “Analogue” I replied “No, just a watch"

AN UNSUSPECTING PENSIONER

An unsuspecting pensioner
Was approached by a professional begger
"Lady, I haven't eaten in three days."
"Force yourself dear," she says

YOU HAVE TO FEEL SORRY FOR PHIL NEVILLE

You have to feel sorry for Phil Neville
Compared to Gary, he was a lesser player
Now he would also appear to be
Second best as a football commentator
If he entered a Phil Neville lookalike contest
He would finish second to his brother

BEND IT LIKE URI –BRAZIL 2014

The reason England failed
So says a guy in a Favela
“It’s all the fault of that
Spoon bending fella”
“We’d have won if we hadn’t
Snubbed Uri Gellar”

A Little Bit Of Humour # 56

SHE CHOSE TO WEAR BEIGE # 2

She chose to wear Beige
For an event of some Grandeur
Amidst the glitz and the glamour
She was in a state of blandeur

AFTER HENRI HAD BEEN TO THE DENTIST

After Henri had been
To the dentist his mouth
Was fresh and clean
But undid all the good work
By gargling garlic
Flavoured Listerine

I HATE TO WATCH YOU SPRING-CLEANING

I hate to watch you spring-cleaning
When you mutter like a nutter
Sorting through your wardrobe
As you De-clutter your schmutter

ARE YOU WEARING A DUMB EXPRESSION?

Are you wearing a dumb expression?
You certainly look like a schmuck
Not that I’m not saying you’re stupid
Where thinking is concerned you’ve had no luck

THE SLIMMER OF THE YEAR

The Slimmer of the year
To her absolute surprise
Was last night presented
With the no Belly Prize

ARE YOU WEARING VOMIT IN YOUR HAIR?

Are you wearing vomit in your hair?
I fear it is a look that won’t be diminished
I've learned that you can keep on vomiting
Long after you think that you're finished

IT SUDDENLY DAWNED ON ME

It suddenly dawned on me,
It couldn’t have been clearer
Than the blast of a trumpet

It was so obvious in fact
It was as plain an indication as
An ankle bracelet on a strumpet

A SPANISH GOLFER WAS STABBED

A Spanish golfer was stabbed
Not multiple wounds, just the one
But nobody knew just exactly
Who it was made a hole in Juan

MY WIFE GOT ME TO BELIEVE IN RELIGION

My wife got me to believe in religion
Not something you could foretell
But it was true because until
I married her I didn't believe in Hell


WHERE DID I GET MY INTELLIGENCE?

“Dad, where did I get my intelligence?'
The young schoolboy asked his father
“Well son as I still have mine” he said
“You obviously got it from your mother”

THE EMERGENCY ROOM DOCTOR

The Emergency Room doctor said
“I don't like the look of your wife at all sir”
“Nor me” he agreed “But she can cook,
Do the decorating and the kids like her”

AIRPORT AIRHEAD

Bimbette called the Airport and asked
“How long will it take to fly from London
To Athens?” The agent replied, “Just a minute”
“Thank you” Bimbette said and she was gone

AN OLD MAN GOES TO SEE A WIZARD

An old man goes to see a Wizard
To ask him to remove a curse
That had been on him forty years
The wizard said he was not averse
But he needed the words of the curse
To remove the cause of his strife
The man said I know them off by heart
“I now pronounce you man and wife”

THERE WAS A MURDER IN A NORFOLK VILLAGE

There was a murder in a Norfolk village
But the police are struggling to solve it
In fact they can’t even identify the body
Despite the corpse having an additional digit
The DNA matches everyone in the village
And dental records aren’t helping a bit

A MAN RECOVERING FROM SURGERY

A man recovering from surgery was asked
By the nurse “how are you feeling Mr Dukes?”
“I’m a little concerned about a four letter word
Uttered during the surgery by Doctor Proops”
“What exactly did he say?” asked the nurse.
The man went very pale and then said “Oops!”

A Little Bit Of Sport

TODAY’S PROFESSIONAL FOOTBALLERS

I think today’s professional footballers
Worry far too much about their hairstyle
And should pay as much attention to detail
On the training ground once in a while

ENGLAND IN BRAZIL 2014

You should always have a plan B
In Completive football I’d say
Unfortunately for England though
They neglected to have a plan A

BEER AND FOOTBALL

Beer and football are
As exciting for me
As handbags and shoes
Are for you, really

ENGLAND INEPT IN BRAZIL 2014

There has only been one thing
More inept than England and it
Is Alan Shearer’s pompously
Hapless performance as a pundit

YOU HAVE TO FEEL SORRY FOR PHIL NEVILLE

You have to feel sorry for Phil Neville
Compared to Gary, he was a lesser player
Now he would also appear to be
Second best as a football commentator
If he entered a Phil Neville lookalike contest
He would finish second to his brother

BEND IT LIKE URI –BRAZIL 2014

The reason England failed
So says a guy in a Favela
“It’s all the fault of that
Spoon bending fella”
“We’d have won if we hadn’t
Snubbed Uri Gellar”

IF FOOTBALLERS SPENT MORE TIME

If footballers spent more time
Training and practising their skills
Instead of feeling the sting
Of the tattoo artists drills
They would gain the fans respect
Instead of looking like utter pills

AN ITALIAN NIBBLE – BRAZIL 2014

Suarez should be hungry
Like all strikers
But for goals
And not other players

HEROES RETURN – BRAZIL 2014

England will fly home
Into Glasgow Airport
Thus ensuring, a heroes
Welcome of a sort

A QUICK BITE – BRAZIL 2014

Luis Suarez thought the response
To his biting Chiellini quite amazing
He couldn’t understand the outcry
As for a cannibal he was only grazing

THE CANNIBAL OF AJAX – BRAZIL 2014

Whether you call him Lucho
Or El Pistolero
Or the cannibal of Ajax
Or even El Conejo
Suarez needs to understand
Biting people is a no no

A SPANISH GOLFER WAS STABBED

A Spanish golfer was stabbed
Not multiple wounds, just the one
But nobody knew just exactly
Who it was made a hole in Juan

SUAREZ IS TOTALLY SCREWED – BRAZIL 2014

Now the evidence is viewed
And the enquiry will conclude
That Suarez is totally screwed
But what I think is rude
Is that he plays with his food

True Nature # 3

BLUEBELLS IN THE WOOD

Bluebells in the wood
Sway in the dappled shade
To the tune of Spring

THISTLEDOWN, IN IDLE FLIGHT

Thistledown, in idle flight
Drifts upon the highland wind
Like ancestral spirits

BATHED IN SUMMER SUNSHINE

Bathed in summer sunshine
Gentle breezes stir the stems
But above in the golden sun
Grow an array of perfect gems

ICE AND RAIN

Ice and rain
Sleet and hail
Storm and tempest
Wind and gale
The rugged rock
Cannot prevail

THE SUMMER IS ENDING

The summer is ending
The flowers are dying
The meadows are still
And the geese are flying

SUMMER FLOWERS ARE BLOOMING

Summer flowers are blooming
In the scented meadows
Are the sun slowly sets
Lengthening the shadows

THE PEACEFUL VILLAGE

The peaceful village
In the frozen valley
Lay quietly beneath
Its winter cloak

BENDING IN THE BREEZE

Bending in the breeze
White stalks sway
Flower heads dancing
On a summer day

THE WINTER LAND LIES

The winter land lies
In suspended animation
Part of life’s eternal cycle
And with it, paused
Is its Infinite variety
But As the earth turns
Mother natures seed waits
Beneath the February snows

VOLCANOES ARE TERRIFYING

Volcanoes are terrifying
Just the thought of them is frightful
But pyroclastic eruptions
That’s just Nature at its most spiteful

A Mixed Bag of Poems

AT THE ELEVENTH HOUR

At the eleventh hour
On the eleventh day
Of the eleventh month
We heard the generals say
You can go home now lads
To the land you’ve defended
Thank God one and all
That the madness has ended

MICHAELMAS DAISY

Lovely Miss Aster,
My flower girl Maisie
My natural beauty
I love her like crazy
My own precious
Michaelmas Daisy

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DAD

Happy birthday dad
See, we did remember
Because you are so dear
Just like every year

We will never forget
We just wish and wish
You were still here
Just like every year

So we wish you
A happy birthday
And wipe away a tear
Just like every year

Harold Curtis 19/6/1922 – 8/5/1978

DANCING PIXIES IN THE GREEN

Dancing pixies in the green
And sparkling water sprites
Oft heard but never seen
Bathing in the morning light

DEATH IN THE SHADOWS

Death in the shadows
Grim reaper take flight
Don’t let me be the one
You’re coming for tonight

PEBBLES SMOOTH

Pebbles smooth,
Like crude glass
Smoothed by nature
Time and tide
Its patterned form
Marbled in style
Sits comfortably
In the fingers
To be skimmed
Back to the ocean

I HEAR A SINGING CHILD

I hear a singing child
Innocently engrossed
In childish play
Singing sweetly
To her audience of dolls
Safely oblivious
In her enchanted world
Would that it could
Always be that way

DEAR OSCAR

He was witty
Blessed with a fine mind
A bel esprit
And was the clever kind

MICHAELMAS DAY

Feast of the Archangels
As the autumn equinox nears
Michaelmas marks the turning
Of the husbandman's year

29th September

THE SCULPTOR CREATES

The sculptor creates
With skilful hands
The beauteous article
An artistic gift
Its concept borrowed
From his dreams
And his subconscious mind
To infuse in his design
And create a work of art

DREDGING IS NO SILVER BULLET

Dredging is no silver bullet
Is the word coming from their ranks
But at least it would be something
To prevent rivers bursting their banks
While the environment agency
Just blindly keep on firing blanks

SLAVERY WAS BORN OF EMPIRE

Slavery was born of Empire
But not a European one
Slavery existed for centuries
In fact thousands of years
Way before Europe rose to the fore
Even the Romans came late to the party
Following in Greece’s footsteps
Peoples were enslaved
From around the globe
Where there were trade routes
There was slaving
Arabs traded slaves bought
From African tribesmen
Muslims enslaved slavs
Turks enslaved Ukrainians
Mongols reached into the heart of Europe
And took slaves by the thousand
White Europeans became involved
Black enslaved black
White has enslaved white
I don’t know if it will ever end
I certainly hope so
But what I do know is
That the British didn’t invent it

ORIGINAL FAIRY TALES

Original Fairy Tales
Were not devised
To scare children
And inform them
That monsters existed
Children already knew
There were monsters
What Fairy Tales did
Was to teach children
That monsters
Could be beaten

NAZISM WAS LIKE A CANCER

Nazism was like a cancer
Spread across the continent
And when Hitler was defeated
It was not a cure, for the cancer
Was merely in remission