The feast day of Saint Patrick
Is Ireland’s National Day
When the Irish
people
Celebrate Saint
Patrick's Day
Showing posts with label St Patricks Day. Show all posts
Showing posts with label St Patricks Day. Show all posts
Tuesday 16 March 2021
THE FEAST DAY OF SAINT PATRICK
ST PATRICKS DAY IS ONE OF THE FEW
St Patrick’s Day is one of the very few
Acceptable
times to wear body glitter
When
you have a reasonable expectation
Of
not being mistaken for a stripper
ST PATRICKS DAY FANCY DRESS
My friend asked me
What
I was going to be
For
St Patrick’s Day
I
said “Drunk will do me”
ST PATRICKS DAY IS AN EXCUSE
St Patrick’s Day is an excuse
For
girls to dress inappropriately
That’s
why St Patrick’s Day
Is
the best holiday for me
ST PATRICK'S DAY PICK UP # 2
When you’re on the pull
If
you want to break the ice
Say
something funny
Or
say something nice
Be
complimentary
Or
just lie in your endeavour
Be
devastatingly witty
Or
say something clever
“Do you have any Irish in you?”
Ask her, on St Patrick's Day
And if she answers no, reply
“Do you want some today?”
ST PATRICK'S DAY PICK UP # 1
When you’re on the pull
If
you want to break the ice
Say
something funny
Or
say something nice
Be
complimentary
Or
just lie in your endeavour
Be
devastatingly witty
Or
say something clever
“Do you have any Irish in you?”
Ask her, on St Patrick's Day
And if she answers yes, reply
“You can have some more today”
THE IRISH CELEBRATE ST PATRICKS DAY
The Irish celebrate St Patricks Day
And
I have always wondered why
As
they have three patron saints
Perhaps
Patrick had a better PR guy
YOU CAN DRINK GREEN BEER
You can drink green beer
On any St Patricks Day
It counts as a vegetable
And one of your five a day
ON ST PATRICK’S DAY
On St Patrick’s Day
You know an Irish rover
Has had enough to drink
When they’re Dublin over
I GOT VERY DRUNK ON ST PATRICKS DAY
I got very drunk on St Patricks Day
So I took a bus home to save any fuss
This may not be a big deal to most
But I had never before driven a bus
PATRON SAINTS DAYS
St Patrick’s day
Is
celebrated every where
“I’m
Irish and I’m proud”
They
loudly declare
The
media never hesitate
To
show the people celebrate
Endless
Displays of flags and emblems
Accompany
patriotic anthems
St
Andrew’s day,
Wearing
thistle bold,
Is
marked with Scottish pride
By
young and old
The
media never hesitate
To
show the people celebrate
Endless
Displays of flags and emblems
Accompany
patriotic anthems
St
David’s day
Resplendent
with daffodil
Is
marked more soberly
Yet
is celebrated still
The
media never hesitate
To
show the people celebrate
Endless
Displays of flags and emblems
Accompany
patriotic anthems
St
George’s day
Comes
and goes
When
is it marked?
Nobody
knows
The
media never hesitate
To
ignore attempts to celebrate
With
no displays of flags and emblems
Accompanying
un-played patriotic anthems
POTATOES ARE A STAPLE
Potatoes are a staple
On St Patrick’s Day
And mashed potatoes
Are just Irish Guacamole
THE FEAST DAY OF SAINT PATRICK
The feast day of Saint Patrick
Is Ireland’s National Day
When the Irish
people
Celebrate Saint
Patrick's Day
Thursday 7 March 2019
A Little Bit Of Humour # 163
A VOYAGE ROUND MY FATHER (9)
Dad said “I’m going to Thailand
To an island called Phuket”
I replied to him "That will be nice,
But you don’t say it like that”
PANAMA HATS
Regarding which country makes
Panama hats, I was seriously misled
It turns out they’re not Panamanian
And are made in Ecuador instead
FIRST GRADE CADDY
His five-year-old nephew wanted
To caddy for him on his Golf round
“You have to count my strokes,
So, your counting has to be sound”
The Uncle explained, then asked
“How much is six, plus nine?”
“Five,” answered the nephew.
The Uncle said, “Ok that’s fine”
BE MY VALENTINE # 2
On Valentine’s Day
The chocolate syrup said to the ice cream
“I'm sweet on you!”
While the pencil said to the paper
“I dot my i's on you!”
And the light bulb asked his girlfriend
Do I mean a whole watt to you?”
COULD JESUS HAVE BEEN JEWISH?
Could Jesus have been Jewish?
It is the most likely eventuality
As He Did go into His Father's business
He lived at home until he was 33
He was sure his Mother was a virgin
And she was sure He was God, so maybe
PROVERBIAL PROVERBS # 2
The old saying goes that “A volunteer
Is worth Ten pressed men”
Well volunteers are all well and good
But a pressed man are really good
At getting through narrow gaps
MARITAL HONESTY
“It's just too hot to wear clothes today so I
Think I’ll cut the lawn naked, honey?”
She replied “Ok, if you don’t mind the neighbours
Thinking I married you for your money”
ROSES ARE FLOWERS
Roses are flowers
Violets are flowers
You’re allergic to flowers
Ooops my bad
NICKNAMED SNOW PLOUGH
When my brother was a young man
He had a well earned nickname
They called him the “snow plough”
Because of his appetite for cocaine
PEACHES SAID TO BIMBETTE
Peaches said to Bimbette
“I’ve slept with a Brazilian”
“OMG Peachy” she retorted
“How many is a Brazilian?”
MY WIFE IS A BAKER OF BREAD
My wife is a Baker of bread
And rolls both plain and seedy
She is a very difficult woman
And I find her to be very kneady
TEMPLE WALLS ARE STRAIGHT AND TALL
Temple walls are straight and tall
But my body is not like a temple at all
I have curves and am short in stature
I'm more like a disused rollercoaster
Dad said “I’m going to Thailand
To an island called Phuket”
I replied to him "That will be nice,
But you don’t say it like that”
PANAMA HATS
Regarding which country makes
Panama hats, I was seriously misled
It turns out they’re not Panamanian
And are made in Ecuador instead
FIRST GRADE CADDY
His five-year-old nephew wanted
To caddy for him on his Golf round
“You have to count my strokes,
So, your counting has to be sound”
The Uncle explained, then asked
“How much is six, plus nine?”
“Five,” answered the nephew.
The Uncle said, “Ok that’s fine”
BE MY VALENTINE # 2
On Valentine’s Day
The chocolate syrup said to the ice cream
“I'm sweet on you!”
While the pencil said to the paper
“I dot my i's on you!”
And the light bulb asked his girlfriend
Do I mean a whole watt to you?”
COULD JESUS HAVE BEEN JEWISH?
Could Jesus have been Jewish?
It is the most likely eventuality
As He Did go into His Father's business
He lived at home until he was 33
He was sure his Mother was a virgin
And she was sure He was God, so maybe
PROVERBIAL PROVERBS # 2
The old saying goes that “A volunteer
Is worth Ten pressed men”
Well volunteers are all well and good
But a pressed man are really good
At getting through narrow gaps
MARITAL HONESTY
“It's just too hot to wear clothes today so I
Think I’ll cut the lawn naked, honey?”
She replied “Ok, if you don’t mind the neighbours
Thinking I married you for your money”
ROSES ARE FLOWERS
Roses are flowers
Violets are flowers
You’re allergic to flowers
Ooops my bad
NICKNAMED SNOW PLOUGH
When my brother was a young man
He had a well earned nickname
They called him the “snow plough”
Because of his appetite for cocaine
PEACHES SAID TO BIMBETTE
Peaches said to Bimbette
“I’ve slept with a Brazilian”
“OMG Peachy” she retorted
“How many is a Brazilian?”
MY WIFE IS A BAKER OF BREAD
My wife is a Baker of bread
And rolls both plain and seedy
She is a very difficult woman
And I find her to be very kneady
TEMPLE WALLS ARE STRAIGHT AND TALL
Temple walls are straight and tall
But my body is not like a temple at all
I have curves and am short in stature
I'm more like a disused rollercoaster
Friday 27 October 2017
A Little Bit Of Humour # 161
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 395
Saturday's child
Works hard for its living,
(So clearly not a benefit scrounger)
ARE YOU WEARING RED? # 2
Are you wearing red?
To signify the party you’re in
Well done, congratulations
You made a decision Mr Corbyn
THE MOST DEPRESSING THING ABOUT TENNIS
The most depressing thing about Tennis
Is that no matter how well I hit the ball
And how much time I spend practising,
I'm never going to be as good as the wall
MY WIFE AND I ALWAYS COMPROMISE
My wife and I always compromise
That’s the secret to being happy
Our compromise is, that I admit
I'm wrong and she agrees with me
ONE DAY A COMPUTER
One day a computer
Actually beat me at chess,
I didn’t take it well,
I was a total mess
So we had a rematch
To go tit for tat
But he was no match for me
With a baseball bat
TIMES ARE BAD AND GETTING WORSE
Times are bad and getting worse
And I’m shocked at the severity
As the light at the end of the tunnel
Has been turned off due to austerity
EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON
Everything happens for a reason,
Is the generally accepted view
Unfortunately you must admit
That sometimes the reason is you
BLACK WIDOW SPIDERS KILL THEIR MALES
Black Widow spiders kill their males
After mating, before the afterglow starts
And the reason for that is quite simple
It’s to stop the snoring before it starts
EYES BIGGER THAN MY BELLY
Eyes bigger than my belly
Especially for cake and jelly
My appetite no one could stifle
After I got an eye full of trifle
I HAD A “GRUMPY OLD MAN” MUG
I had a “grumpy old man” mug
And my grandchildren got it
But I turned into a “Grumpy old man”
When I accidentally smashed it
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 396
The child that's born on the Sabbath day
Is bonny and blithe, and good and gay
(my wife is Sundays child, so I would have to dissagree)
ARE YOU WEARING SHAMROCK?
Are you wearing shamrock?
And Patrick is patron saint, but why?
Did he drive the snakes out of Ireland?
Or did he just have a great PR guy?
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 386
Harlequin ladybird, fly away home
Your kind are not welcome here
So get your Harlequin spotted arse
Back to where you belong in Asia
ARE YOU WEARING CLAM DIGGERS?
Are you wearing clam diggers?
How very beachcomber of you
However inappropriate, given
The fact seafood makes you spew
ROSENCRANTZ AND GUILDENSTERN # 5
Rosencrantz and Guildenstern
Contrary to the rumour, are not dead
But are doing an Elizabethan tribute act
At the Edinburgh Fringe instead
Saturday's child
Works hard for its living,
(So clearly not a benefit scrounger)
ARE YOU WEARING RED? # 2
Are you wearing red?
To signify the party you’re in
Well done, congratulations
You made a decision Mr Corbyn
THE MOST DEPRESSING THING ABOUT TENNIS
The most depressing thing about Tennis
Is that no matter how well I hit the ball
And how much time I spend practising,
I'm never going to be as good as the wall
MY WIFE AND I ALWAYS COMPROMISE
My wife and I always compromise
That’s the secret to being happy
Our compromise is, that I admit
I'm wrong and she agrees with me
ONE DAY A COMPUTER
One day a computer
Actually beat me at chess,
I didn’t take it well,
I was a total mess
So we had a rematch
To go tit for tat
But he was no match for me
With a baseball bat
TIMES ARE BAD AND GETTING WORSE
Times are bad and getting worse
And I’m shocked at the severity
As the light at the end of the tunnel
Has been turned off due to austerity
EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON
Everything happens for a reason,
Is the generally accepted view
Unfortunately you must admit
That sometimes the reason is you
BLACK WIDOW SPIDERS KILL THEIR MALES
Black Widow spiders kill their males
After mating, before the afterglow starts
And the reason for that is quite simple
It’s to stop the snoring before it starts
EYES BIGGER THAN MY BELLY
Eyes bigger than my belly
Especially for cake and jelly
My appetite no one could stifle
After I got an eye full of trifle
I HAD A “GRUMPY OLD MAN” MUG
I had a “grumpy old man” mug
And my grandchildren got it
But I turned into a “Grumpy old man”
When I accidentally smashed it
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 396
The child that's born on the Sabbath day
Is bonny and blithe, and good and gay
(my wife is Sundays child, so I would have to dissagree)
ARE YOU WEARING SHAMROCK?
Are you wearing shamrock?
And Patrick is patron saint, but why?
Did he drive the snakes out of Ireland?
Or did he just have a great PR guy?
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 386
Harlequin ladybird, fly away home
Your kind are not welcome here
So get your Harlequin spotted arse
Back to where you belong in Asia
ARE YOU WEARING CLAM DIGGERS?
Are you wearing clam diggers?
How very beachcomber of you
However inappropriate, given
The fact seafood makes you spew
ROSENCRANTZ AND GUILDENSTERN # 5
Rosencrantz and Guildenstern
Contrary to the rumour, are not dead
But are doing an Elizabethan tribute act
At the Edinburgh Fringe instead
A Little Bit Of Humour # 160
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 394
Friday's child
Is loving and giving,
(Especially on a Friday night when they’re pissed)
ARE YOU WEARING PINK? # 2
Are you wearing a Pink?
Oh I understand that wink
My pretty little Barbie girl
As you give me a twirl
What you’re intimating I think
Is that everything is pink
And it’s an image to bewitch
When you hint at every stitch
THE MOST PERFECT SUMMER DRINK # 2
The most perfect drink
To quench a thirst, for me
On a hot summers day
Is a perfect cup of tea
I NEED YOU TO DELETE ME FROM YOUR ADDRESS BOOK
“I need you to delete me from your address book”
My ex-girlfriend emailed me to express
I pondered for some time before I replied
“Who is this? And how did you get this address?”
MY SISTER IS A SOPHISTICATE
My sister is a sophisticate
And has travelled far away
She’s been to a Taj Mahal
That isn’t an Indian takeaway
I LOVE FRIDAY, IT’S A SPECIAL DAY
I love Friday, it’s a special day
But nothing ruins that Friday feeling
Quite as much as the realisation
That it’s still actually Thursday
MONEY TALKS IS THE SAYING
“Money talks” is the saying
I’m not quite sure why
If my money could talk
It would only ever say good-bye
THE OLD SAYING GOES
The old saying goes
“If you can't beat them, join them”
But a rethink is called for,
“If you can't beat them”,
Rather than joining them
You should “beat them”,
Because they will be expecting
You to “join them”,
As a result you will take them
Completely by surprise
WOMEN MIGHT BE ABLE TO FAKE ORGASMS
Women might be able to fake orgasms
It’s due to how Mother Nature equip
Although men aren’t born with that ability
But they can fake a whole relationship
MY SISTER SAYS THEY ARE BOTHERED BY A RACCOON
My sister says they are bothered by a Raccoon
Who boldly take things off their veranda
It’s very brazen, and is one of nature’s scroungers
Although she calls it their garbage Panda
I FLEW ON AN INFAMOUS BUDGET AIRLINE
I flew on an infamous budget airline
Who charged for every single item
Except for the bad service, that was free,
Which was very generous of them
GOD BLESSED US WITH THE BRAIN
God blessed us with the brain
To solve very complex problems
However human nature means
Using it creates more problems
I DISCOVERED WHEN WE WERE ON HOLIDAY
I discovered when we were on holiday
That my girlfriend screams the same way
Whether a shark might render her caput
Or a piece of dead seaweed touches her foot
MY GRANDMA TOLD ME HER JOINTS TROUBLE HER
My grandma told me her joints trouble her
And elaborated, saying they are getting weaker
I said I had a way to make her life brighter
If she was just to roll her spliffs a bit tighter
WHEN I TAKE THE TIME TO PONDER MY SITUATION
When I take the time to ponder my situation
I consider myself to lead a very lucky life,
Because the fine cognac that I drink is older
Than the woman I’m happy to call my wife
Friday's child
Is loving and giving,
(Especially on a Friday night when they’re pissed)
ARE YOU WEARING PINK? # 2
Are you wearing a Pink?
Oh I understand that wink
My pretty little Barbie girl
As you give me a twirl
What you’re intimating I think
Is that everything is pink
And it’s an image to bewitch
When you hint at every stitch
THE MOST PERFECT SUMMER DRINK # 2
The most perfect drink
To quench a thirst, for me
On a hot summers day
Is a perfect cup of tea
I NEED YOU TO DELETE ME FROM YOUR ADDRESS BOOK
“I need you to delete me from your address book”
My ex-girlfriend emailed me to express
I pondered for some time before I replied
“Who is this? And how did you get this address?”
MY SISTER IS A SOPHISTICATE
My sister is a sophisticate
And has travelled far away
She’s been to a Taj Mahal
That isn’t an Indian takeaway
I LOVE FRIDAY, IT’S A SPECIAL DAY
I love Friday, it’s a special day
But nothing ruins that Friday feeling
Quite as much as the realisation
That it’s still actually Thursday
MONEY TALKS IS THE SAYING
“Money talks” is the saying
I’m not quite sure why
If my money could talk
It would only ever say good-bye
THE OLD SAYING GOES
The old saying goes
“If you can't beat them, join them”
But a rethink is called for,
“If you can't beat them”,
Rather than joining them
You should “beat them”,
Because they will be expecting
You to “join them”,
As a result you will take them
Completely by surprise
WOMEN MIGHT BE ABLE TO FAKE ORGASMS
Women might be able to fake orgasms
It’s due to how Mother Nature equip
Although men aren’t born with that ability
But they can fake a whole relationship
MY SISTER SAYS THEY ARE BOTHERED BY A RACCOON
My sister says they are bothered by a Raccoon
Who boldly take things off their veranda
It’s very brazen, and is one of nature’s scroungers
Although she calls it their garbage Panda
I FLEW ON AN INFAMOUS BUDGET AIRLINE
I flew on an infamous budget airline
Who charged for every single item
Except for the bad service, that was free,
Which was very generous of them
GOD BLESSED US WITH THE BRAIN
God blessed us with the brain
To solve very complex problems
However human nature means
Using it creates more problems
I DISCOVERED WHEN WE WERE ON HOLIDAY
I discovered when we were on holiday
That my girlfriend screams the same way
Whether a shark might render her caput
Or a piece of dead seaweed touches her foot
MY GRANDMA TOLD ME HER JOINTS TROUBLE HER
My grandma told me her joints trouble her
And elaborated, saying they are getting weaker
I said I had a way to make her life brighter
If she was just to roll her spliffs a bit tighter
WHEN I TAKE THE TIME TO PONDER MY SITUATION
When I take the time to ponder my situation
I consider myself to lead a very lucky life,
Because the fine cognac that I drink is older
Than the woman I’m happy to call my wife
A Little Bit Of Humour # 159
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 393
Thursday's child
Has far to go,
(Well I hope they’re not travelling on Southern Rail)
ARE YOU WEARING PINK? # 1
Are you wearing a Pink?
And are dressed as a ballet dancer
Well, all credit to you man
Standing up to breast Cancer
I ALWAYS FIGURED THAT MICHAEL’S FAMILY TREE
I always figured that Michael’s family tree
Must have been from the cactus family
Because I’ve met the relatives of Mick
And everyone on his family tree is a prick
MONEY IS NOT THE KEY TO HAPPINESS
“Money is not the key to happiness”
That’s what they always say, but
Of course if you have enough money,
You can have your own key cut
I JUST HEARD THAT THE SEXY GIRL
I just heard that the sexy girl
From Goldfinger, Pussy Galore
Changed her name for the film
She was Fanny Aplenty before
ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE IS BEING EXPLORED
Artificial Intelligence is being explored
By science, despite its inadvisability
But then education and inquisitiveness
Are no defence against natural stupidity
AMIDST THE TERRIBLE TRAGEDY SADIQ
Amidst the terrible tragedy
Sadiq smiled, to his eternal shame
But the reason for that was
That he had found someone to blame
APRIL SHOWERS BRING
April showers bring
May flowers it seems
But then May flowers
Only bring Pilgrims
THE WI-FI STOPPED WORKING
The Wi-Fi stopped working
As the family ate their stew
And a teenager began talking
The father said “Who are you?”
IF HELEN WAS THE FACE
If Helen was the face
That launched a thousand ships
Then Paris was the dick
Who caused Troy’s apocalypse
I THINK IT’S PROBABLY A MYTH
I think it’s probably a myth
Regarding multitasking women
Like the Loch Ness Monster or
Shy retiring used car salesmen
THE MOST PERFECT SUMMER DRINK # 1
The most perfect drink
To quench a thirst, without fail
On a hot summers day
Is a cool glass of ginger ale
WHILE EAVES DROPPING IN THE VESTRY
While eaves dropping in the vestry
I heard mention of a blasphemy palaver
Or so I thought, but it turned out
That the vicar said raspberry pavlova
I AM NOT A HOUSE PROUD MAN
I am not a house proud man
By any means or measure
I find it too much of a chore
I am more a man of leisure
So for me a clean flat is
The sign of a broken computer
I USED TO BE INDECISIVE
I used to be indecisive
At least I thought so
But I am now quite sure
That I don’t actually know
I MET MY PROSPECTIVE FATHER IN LAW AT THE WEEKEND
I met my prospective father in law at the weekend
And he seemed quite normal when I saw him
So I was quite pleased until my girlfriend said
“Everyone seems normal until you get to know them”
Thursday's child
Has far to go,
(Well I hope they’re not travelling on Southern Rail)
ARE YOU WEARING PINK? # 1
Are you wearing a Pink?
And are dressed as a ballet dancer
Well, all credit to you man
Standing up to breast Cancer
I ALWAYS FIGURED THAT MICHAEL’S FAMILY TREE
I always figured that Michael’s family tree
Must have been from the cactus family
Because I’ve met the relatives of Mick
And everyone on his family tree is a prick
MONEY IS NOT THE KEY TO HAPPINESS
“Money is not the key to happiness”
That’s what they always say, but
Of course if you have enough money,
You can have your own key cut
I JUST HEARD THAT THE SEXY GIRL
I just heard that the sexy girl
From Goldfinger, Pussy Galore
Changed her name for the film
She was Fanny Aplenty before
ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE IS BEING EXPLORED
Artificial Intelligence is being explored
By science, despite its inadvisability
But then education and inquisitiveness
Are no defence against natural stupidity
AMIDST THE TERRIBLE TRAGEDY SADIQ
Amidst the terrible tragedy
Sadiq smiled, to his eternal shame
But the reason for that was
That he had found someone to blame
APRIL SHOWERS BRING
April showers bring
May flowers it seems
But then May flowers
Only bring Pilgrims
THE WI-FI STOPPED WORKING
The Wi-Fi stopped working
As the family ate their stew
And a teenager began talking
The father said “Who are you?”
IF HELEN WAS THE FACE
If Helen was the face
That launched a thousand ships
Then Paris was the dick
Who caused Troy’s apocalypse
I THINK IT’S PROBABLY A MYTH
I think it’s probably a myth
Regarding multitasking women
Like the Loch Ness Monster or
Shy retiring used car salesmen
THE MOST PERFECT SUMMER DRINK # 1
The most perfect drink
To quench a thirst, without fail
On a hot summers day
Is a cool glass of ginger ale
WHILE EAVES DROPPING IN THE VESTRY
While eaves dropping in the vestry
I heard mention of a blasphemy palaver
Or so I thought, but it turned out
That the vicar said raspberry pavlova
I AM NOT A HOUSE PROUD MAN
I am not a house proud man
By any means or measure
I find it too much of a chore
I am more a man of leisure
So for me a clean flat is
The sign of a broken computer
I USED TO BE INDECISIVE
I used to be indecisive
At least I thought so
But I am now quite sure
That I don’t actually know
I MET MY PROSPECTIVE FATHER IN LAW AT THE WEEKEND
I met my prospective father in law at the weekend
And he seemed quite normal when I saw him
So I was quite pleased until my girlfriend said
“Everyone seems normal until you get to know them”
A Little Bit Of Humour # 158
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 392
Wednesday's child
Is full of woe,
(And that’s what you get for
drinking on a school night)
ARE YOU WEARING KNICKERBOCKERS?
Are you wearing Knickerbockers?
Well listen, I don’t mean to flummox
But it looks like the Knickerbockers
Have fallen out with your socks
MY SON TOLD ME HE PLAYED IN A BAND
My son told me he played in a band
And I’m afraid I did have to mock
Because they are called the Pilgrims
So I asked if they played Plymouth Rock
I LOVE MY PETER PAN JOKE
I love my Peter Pan joke
It’s the funniest I’ve told
And I tell it over and over
And it never gets old
PETER PAN GOT HIS NAME
Peter Pan got his name
Not by design or plan
It was after he got hit
In the peter with a pan
I HAD TO BUY TROUSER SHORTS
I had to buy trouser shorts
Which were easy to find
The ones with Velcro on
The detectable leg kind
Expensive though, so the term
“Rip off” comes to mind
THERE ARE THREE THINGS FOR WHICH
There are three things for which
Witnesses are required for
Criminal acts, accidents and
Marriages, so need I say more?
I NEED TO START PAYING CLOSER ATTENTION
I need to start paying closer attention
To things, every detail of this and that
Because I found out today that my wife
And I, have different names for our cat
WHY IS IT THAT EVERYTHING I LOVE
Why is it that everything I love
Is either unhealthy, addictive
Or has taken out more than one
Restraining order against me
AS A BOY I ASKED GOD FOR A BIKE ONE DAY
As a boy I asked God for a bike one day,
But I knew God didn’t work that way
So I decided to steal a bike and then
I asked God for forgiveness instead
I'M REALLY GOOD AT DOING THINGS
I'm really good at doing things
Practical and skilful things,
Hands on artisan type things
Until I have people watching
I BOUGHT A VACUUM CLEANER SIX MONTHS AGO
I bought a vacuum cleaner six months ago
And a top of the range model was a must
But I have to say it hasn’t earned its keep as yet
As so far all it's been doing is gathering dust
IMAGINE BEING FIVE MINUTES FROM THE END
Imagine being five minutes from the end
Of the longest movie ever made and then
It starts over because it forgot something
Well that's my wife’s way of story telling
MARRIAGE IS ALL ABOUT COMPROMISE
Marriage is all about compromise
For example my wife wanted a cat
I on the other hand did not want one
So we compromised and got a cat
THE END OF THE WORLD IS NOT A JOKE
The end of the world is not a joke
In fact it’s a source of great sorrow
But people still tell end of the world
Jokes like there is no tomorrow
WHAT MAKES PHILANDERERS CHASE WOMEN
What makes philanderers chase women
They have no intention of marrying?
Clearly the same urge that makes canines
Chase cars they have no intention of driving
Wednesday's child
Is full of woe,
(And that’s what you get for
drinking on a school night)
ARE YOU WEARING KNICKERBOCKERS?
Are you wearing Knickerbockers?
Well listen, I don’t mean to flummox
But it looks like the Knickerbockers
Have fallen out with your socks
MY SON TOLD ME HE PLAYED IN A BAND
My son told me he played in a band
And I’m afraid I did have to mock
Because they are called the Pilgrims
So I asked if they played Plymouth Rock
I LOVE MY PETER PAN JOKE
I love my Peter Pan joke
It’s the funniest I’ve told
And I tell it over and over
And it never gets old
PETER PAN GOT HIS NAME
Peter Pan got his name
Not by design or plan
It was after he got hit
In the peter with a pan
I HAD TO BUY TROUSER SHORTS
I had to buy trouser shorts
Which were easy to find
The ones with Velcro on
The detectable leg kind
Expensive though, so the term
“Rip off” comes to mind
THERE ARE THREE THINGS FOR WHICH
There are three things for which
Witnesses are required for
Criminal acts, accidents and
Marriages, so need I say more?
I NEED TO START PAYING CLOSER ATTENTION
I need to start paying closer attention
To things, every detail of this and that
Because I found out today that my wife
And I, have different names for our cat
WHY IS IT THAT EVERYTHING I LOVE
Why is it that everything I love
Is either unhealthy, addictive
Or has taken out more than one
Restraining order against me
AS A BOY I ASKED GOD FOR A BIKE ONE DAY
As a boy I asked God for a bike one day,
But I knew God didn’t work that way
So I decided to steal a bike and then
I asked God for forgiveness instead
I'M REALLY GOOD AT DOING THINGS
I'm really good at doing things
Practical and skilful things,
Hands on artisan type things
Until I have people watching
I BOUGHT A VACUUM CLEANER SIX MONTHS AGO
I bought a vacuum cleaner six months ago
And a top of the range model was a must
But I have to say it hasn’t earned its keep as yet
As so far all it's been doing is gathering dust
IMAGINE BEING FIVE MINUTES FROM THE END
Imagine being five minutes from the end
Of the longest movie ever made and then
It starts over because it forgot something
Well that's my wife’s way of story telling
MARRIAGE IS ALL ABOUT COMPROMISE
Marriage is all about compromise
For example my wife wanted a cat
I on the other hand did not want one
So we compromised and got a cat
THE END OF THE WORLD IS NOT A JOKE
The end of the world is not a joke
In fact it’s a source of great sorrow
But people still tell end of the world
Jokes like there is no tomorrow
WHAT MAKES PHILANDERERS CHASE WOMEN
What makes philanderers chase women
They have no intention of marrying?
Clearly the same urge that makes canines
Chase cars they have no intention of driving
A Little Bit Of Humour # 157
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 391
Tuesday's child
Is full of grace,
(Well it’s not that lump of a boy next door then)
ARE YOU WEARING KNICKERS?
Are you wearing Knickers?
Sorry I can’t hide my snickers
But beggars can’t be pickers
And I expect better from Vicars
THE EASTER EGG DIDN’T CROSS THE ROAD
The Easter Egg didn’t cross the road
And the reason for that I bet
Is quite simple and can only be
Because he wasn't a chicken yet
ROSENCRANTZ AND GUILDENSTERN # 10
Rosencrantz and Guildenstern
Contrary to the rumour did not peg it
After they stole the theatre takings
They were recognised and had to leg it
THE ROYAL AND ANCIENT AND A SAINT
I know little about St Andrew
Other than a shared name
With a famous Golf course
So he must have liked a game
IT'S NOT THAT I CAN’T JUGGLE
It's not that I can’t juggle,
That’s not the struggle
It’s just that I have to admit
I don’t have the balls for it
I WAS ASKED WHO I WANTED
I was asked who I wanted
My emergency contact to be
It took me only seconds to reply
“A good doctor obviously”
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 400
Peter, Peter, pumpkin-eater,
Had a wife and couldn't keep
It was doomed from the start
As pumpkin made him fart
NOW I’M NEITHER FOR OR AGAINST BUT
Now I’m neither for or against but
Four million, three hundred and seven
People got married last year,
But shouldn't that number be even?
AS I LEFT THE STORE EMPTY HANDED
As I left the store empty handed
There was an awkward moment
When I said repeatedly to myself
“Just act natural, you're innocent”.
I WANT TO DIE PEACEFULLY IN MY SLEEP
I want to die peacefully in my sleep,
Like Dad, peacefully without a fuss
And not screaming and yelling
Like the passengers did on his bus
THE TECHNOLOGICAL AGE
The technological age of the
21st century is great, isn't it?
When deleting history has become
More important than making it.
AFTER ALMOST FIFTY YEARS OF LABOUR
After almost fifty years of labour
I have failed to get ahead even a bit
Because I started out with nothing,
And I find that I still have most of it
TWO WRONGS DON'T MAKE A RIGHT
Two wrongs don't make a right,
I tell my daughter and her brother
And if you need a good example
Just look at me and your mother
TEAM WORK IS IMPORTANT
Team work is important,
In fact its second to none
Because it makes it easier
To put the blame on someone
IT ONLY DAWNS ON YOU QUITE
It only dawns on you, quite
How un-photogenic you are
Until it’s time for a group photo
And they hand you the camera
I'M NOT SAYING THAT I HATE HIM
I'm not saying that I hate him,
But my dislike is well known
And I’d unplug his life support
In order to charge my phone
Tuesday's child
Is full of grace,
(Well it’s not that lump of a boy next door then)
ARE YOU WEARING KNICKERS?
Are you wearing Knickers?
Sorry I can’t hide my snickers
But beggars can’t be pickers
And I expect better from Vicars
THE EASTER EGG DIDN’T CROSS THE ROAD
The Easter Egg didn’t cross the road
And the reason for that I bet
Is quite simple and can only be
Because he wasn't a chicken yet
ROSENCRANTZ AND GUILDENSTERN # 10
Rosencrantz and Guildenstern
Contrary to the rumour did not peg it
After they stole the theatre takings
They were recognised and had to leg it
THE ROYAL AND ANCIENT AND A SAINT
I know little about St Andrew
Other than a shared name
With a famous Golf course
So he must have liked a game
IT'S NOT THAT I CAN’T JUGGLE
It's not that I can’t juggle,
That’s not the struggle
It’s just that I have to admit
I don’t have the balls for it
I WAS ASKED WHO I WANTED
I was asked who I wanted
My emergency contact to be
It took me only seconds to reply
“A good doctor obviously”
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 400
Peter, Peter, pumpkin-eater,
Had a wife and couldn't keep
It was doomed from the start
As pumpkin made him fart
NOW I’M NEITHER FOR OR AGAINST BUT
Now I’m neither for or against but
Four million, three hundred and seven
People got married last year,
But shouldn't that number be even?
AS I LEFT THE STORE EMPTY HANDED
As I left the store empty handed
There was an awkward moment
When I said repeatedly to myself
“Just act natural, you're innocent”.
I WANT TO DIE PEACEFULLY IN MY SLEEP
I want to die peacefully in my sleep,
Like Dad, peacefully without a fuss
And not screaming and yelling
Like the passengers did on his bus
THE TECHNOLOGICAL AGE
The technological age of the
21st century is great, isn't it?
When deleting history has become
More important than making it.
AFTER ALMOST FIFTY YEARS OF LABOUR
After almost fifty years of labour
I have failed to get ahead even a bit
Because I started out with nothing,
And I find that I still have most of it
TWO WRONGS DON'T MAKE A RIGHT
Two wrongs don't make a right,
I tell my daughter and her brother
And if you need a good example
Just look at me and your mother
TEAM WORK IS IMPORTANT
Team work is important,
In fact its second to none
Because it makes it easier
To put the blame on someone
IT ONLY DAWNS ON YOU QUITE
It only dawns on you, quite
How un-photogenic you are
Until it’s time for a group photo
And they hand you the camera
I'M NOT SAYING THAT I HATE HIM
I'm not saying that I hate him,
But my dislike is well known
And I’d unplug his life support
In order to charge my phone
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