JULIUS CAESAR

 

Julius Caesar

Julius deflowers her

Julius dumps her

WHEN YOU ARE WRITING A STORY

 

When you are writing a story

About losing your virginity

Please do one thing for certain

And put it in the first person

OBJECTIFYING

 

Oh look

A glimpse of thigh

As her legs cross

Vary titillating

But the young girls

Hipster clad

Showing thongs

Fail to titillate.

However, the young woman

In the lemon dress

Illuminated in that shaft

Of golden sunlight

Does excite the senses

Now a well-endowed lass

On an adjacent table

Leans forward suddenly

And her breasts

Rearrange themselves

Delightfully before my eyes

I know I’m objectifying

But I feel no shame

As I sit and view

A curvaceous beauty,

A shapely leg,

Or well-sculptured ankle,

Pert well-formed buttocks,

Or plump or perky breasts

However, I dislike

Tarty or vampy

So, no bare midriffs

Or obscenely short skirts

Less is more in my opinion

So, objectifying or not

I feel no shame

For lecherous viewing

Where’s the sin

In looking

They are God’s creation

When all said and done

Well packaged morsels

Of his finest work

So why would he

Give us such delicacies

If he intended us not to look

So, where’s the sin

In objectifying such delights

Even if I am the Vicar

FOGHORN LEGHORN WAS MARRIED

 

Foghorn Leghorn was married

To Yoyo, An eccentric Hen,

So called because she laid

The same egg again and again

DAPHNE DUCK MARRIED

 

Daphne Duck married

Foghorn Leghorn

And their child woke them

At the quack of dawn

WHEN SKUNKS ARE APART

 

When Skunks are apart

So as not to feel alone

They regularly keep in touch

On the smellular phone

MEETING BENEATH THE CLOCK

 

Beneath the clock, I waited expectantly

Awaiting my blind date, a little nervously

He’s late but I don’t mind, at least not yet,

No doubt he’ll have a good reason, I bet.

 

He’s here at last and only an hour late

A good-looking man so worth the wait?

Clear blue eyes and his smile is terrific

Oh but his breath could stop the traffic

Nobody’s perfect and he has a kind face

And he’s booked at an exclusive place

 

The restaurant looks fine, very expensive,

Alas appearances were definitely deceptive

The food was poor, and service shambolic

His conversation dull and monosyllabic

Drinking to excess and slobbering food

His table manners nothing short of rude

 

His drinking drove me around the bend

I couldn’t wait for the evening to end

The bill arrived and I was asked to pay half

I replied flatly “you’re having a laugh”

He leapt to his feet exploding with fury

But fell backwards into the shrubbery

I threw him a look of contempt and disdain

Embarrassed, I left saying “never again”

And “of course a blind date would go amiss,

I can’t believe I shaved my legs for this”

BEING IN ISOLATION WITH MY WIFE

 

Sadly, being in isolation with my wife

Has been to our relationships detriment

And I fear that it will either end

In divorce or more likely life imprisonment

I REGULARLY MEET MY GIRLFRIEND

 

I regularly meet my girlfriend

For some, one to one time

So, we have the familiar routine

Of meeting up at 12:59

ARE YOU WEARING A DOPEY LOOK?

 

Are you wearing a dopey look?

Come on tell me what’s to blame

No please don’t answer that

And I don’t want to know her name

MY WIFE AND I HAD AN ACTIVE SEX LIFE

 

My wife and I had an active sex life

And we used to like to experiment

But those days are now long gone

As SM now means Senior Moment

DON'T LOOK FOR A PARTNER WHO IS EYE CANDY

 

Don't look for a partner who is eye candy

It’s not about the way someone is viewed

The thing to do for a happy life together

Is to look for a partner who is soul food

SOMETIMES AFTER THE WEDDING

 

Sometimes after the wedding

Despite the best intentions

There is a Honeymoon period

Causing unlucky abstentions

THEY WANTED TO SPICE UP THE SEX

 

They wanted to spice up the sex

To get back on the same page

So she dressed as a mummy

As she thought he was into bandage

HE WAS ONLY THE LIGHTHOUSE KEEPER

 

He was only the lighthouse keeper

And she was a girl from the docks

When the light went out on their love

Their relationship was on the rocks

SHE WANTED HIM TO CARRY HER UPSTAIRS

 

She wanted him to carry her upstairs

Before he made love to her

But he refused to do it because

He was the lighthouse keeper

THE BOYS WERE CATCHING CRABS

 

Down on the beach, the boys

Were Catching Crabs

In other words they were shagging

Bimbette and Babs

THE YOUNG MEN CALLED HER JIGSAW

 

The young men called her jigsaw

For she was not universally adored

And the boys would only do her

When they were really bored

EVERY MINUTE SHE BURNED FOR HIM

 

Every minute she burned for him          

Ever since their night of passion

Though it was not out of desire

Cystitis, that was her affliction

SHE WANTED HIM TO TURN THE LIGHT OUT

 

She wanted him to turn the light out

While he made love to her

But he refused to do it because

He was the lighthouse keeper