THE PROBLEM WITH LYING ABOUT YOUR AGE

The problem with lying about your age

It’s not the deception you deplore

It’s when they all believe you and

You regret not knocking off some more

THE BIG FIVE ZERO # 2

 

At the age of fifty you're officially

Over the hill, but worse than that

You are partway down the other side

Sorry if that leaves you flat

I HEARD ON THE GRAPEVINE THAT YOUR BIRTHDAY

 

I heard on the grapevine that your birthday

Was cancelled due to lack of aging!

But now I give you a closer look

I can see that they were exaggerating

FORTY IS THE OLD AGE OF YOUTH

Forty is the old age of youth

Which all sounds very sage

Whereas after another decade

Fifty is the youth of old age

THE BIG FIVE ZERO # 1

 

You may be 50

But don’t worry, yet

You’re not over the hill

So don’t you fret

There is nothing to fear

It’s only a number you know

It’s not as if overnight

You’ve lost your get up and go

It’s just a number, Happy Birthday.

It is a big number though

LIFE BEGINS AT 40 # 1

 

You may be 40

But don’t worry, yet

You’re not over the hill

So don’t you fret

There is nothing to fear

It’s only a number you know

You won’t suddenly get all wrinkly

Or ache from head to toe

It’s just a number, Happy Birthday.

You do look old though

YOU ARE TRULY MIDDLE AGED

 

You are truly middle aged

When your twilight is dawning

And you still believe you will

Feel better in the morning

I’M AT THE STAGE IN LIFE

 

I’m at the stage in life

When I’m sometimes forgetful

Although let’s face it

There’s a lot in life

That is better off forgotten

But as forgetful as I am

I never forget the important things

FIRST SIGNS OF AGEING

She looked in the mirror

Then she started to cry

She had seen her first grey hair

And she thought she'd dye

WHEN I WAS A BABE

 

When I was a babe

Milk was my tipple

Either from a bottle

Or from mummy’s nipple

 

When I was a boy

Soda was the tops

Delicious bubbly

Sugary Fizzy pops

 

When I was a man

Beer hit the spot

A foaming brew

In a glass pint pot

 

Now I’m an old man

Drinking has no charm

As all my fluids

Now go thru my arm

WHEN I WAS A BABY

 

When I was a baby

I drank milk

From bottle or breast

 

As boy I drank

Fizzy pop

Limeade was the best

 

When I reached manhood

I discovered beer

I loved a pint of best

 

Now I’m nearing the end

Of my lifelong trip

And all my fluids come

Thru an intravenous drip

MY 50TH

 

My 50th was approaching

A milestone for us males

I’d dropped loads of hints

Because hinting never fails

“I want something new and shiny,

And for further details,

Go from 0 to 150

And all that that entails”

Well, she went and bought me

A new set of bathroom scales

STAYING ATTRACTIVE

 

It seems to me that a man in his middle years

Is rendered more attractive, almost immediately,

To the opposite sex, if found to be wealthy

And/or he is a well-known TV celebrity

GROWTH SPURTS

 

When I was in my teens

I was regarded as unusual

Due to the rapid speed

I was extending in the vertical

But that was long ago

And my height now is more usual

But some unseen force is at work

And I’m growing horizontal

MILESTONE BIRTHDAY

 

I’ve been dreading, turning forty,

But it occurred to me then

That I won’t really be 40

I’ll just be thirty 10

AIMING TO HIGH

 

I went in search of a maiden fair

And saw a vision standing there

But I knew as I held her in my stare

For me to have a future with her

I should be twenty years younger

And her standards much lower

A MEASURED REFLECTION

 

When I was young

I was broad minded

And narrow hipped

Now I’m middle aged

My proportions

Appear to have flipped

50 SOMETHING

So, you’re 50 something

No need to feel so glum

True you’re no spring chicken

And you’re the mom of a mom

You’re nearer the next milestone

Than you are the last one

But don’t fret about the numbers

Celebrate each day with aplomb

You truly are now a “WOW”

A “wiser older woman”

See the positive in the situation

Try to hold onto that if you can

Don’t think of the loss of youth

Focus on the gaining of wisdom

And if you believe all this rubbish

Then you really are undone

DIPPED OUT

 

In the dim and distant past

When I was young and free

Going about running and skipping

And we’d all go “skinny dipping”

 

Now the years have rushed past

And have taken their toll

I hobble, shuffling and clunking

And in the pool, I go “chunky dunking”

MIRROR, MIRROR

Mirror, mirror on the wall

Am I the loveliest of them all?

Mirror, mirror tell me for sure

To stop me feeling insecure

 

Mirror, mirror hanging there

You needn’t tell me I look fair

Let me think that I look slim

So I can look good for him

 

Mirror, mirror on the wall

Tell me that my bum is small

Mirror, mirror looking glass

Tell me that’s not all my arse