A Little Bit Of Humour # 142

I WENT INTO HOSPITAL FOR MINOR SURGERY # 12

I went into hospital for minor surgery
And was fearful the procedure would be a botch
And as I was coming around I heard someone say
“Did anyone see what I did with my watch?”

WHAT NOT TO DO IN HORROR MOVIES # 1

When browsing the occult section
Of the library shelves
Never read aloud from a book
Of demon summoning spells

ARE YOU WEARING A BOILER SUIT?

Are you wearing a boiler suit?
Well it’s not the most flattering wear
But it does have a certain fascination as
I’m fascinated to know what’s under there

WHEN ASKED WHAT HE DID FOR A LIVING # 1

When asked what he did for a living
He replied furtively “I’m a spy”
When told he was dressed as a farmer
He added “I’m a shepherd Spy”

WHEN THE ALLSPICE SINGERS

When the allspice singers
Really went off the rails
Coryanda and star Anise
Had the Pepperatzi on their tails

A TEACHER HELD A SPELLING BEE

A teacher held a spelling bee and asked
“Kyle, how do you spell “crocodile?”“
“K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L” he said
“No, that's not the way to spell Crocodile”
Said the teacher “Maybe it’s wrong, but you
Asked me how I spell it” explained Kyle

THE PREFECT AND THE OIK

“Why are you always such a dirty little oik?”
The prefect asked
“You are the dirtiest pupil by far,
Look at me, I’m always clean and smart”
The boy replied
“I'm closer to the ground than you are”

INTERRUPTING ANNETTE

“Give me a sentence starting with “I”“
The teacher asked young Annette
“I is...” she began but teacher interrupted
“No, always say, “I am”, Annette”
The girl looked puzzled, but complied
“I am the ninth letter of the alphabet”

THE CAT ESSAY

The teacher said “your essay on “My cat”
Is exactly the same as your brother Matt’s,
Did you copy his work for your story?”
“No, miss, but it's the same cat” said Corey

ONE DIRECTION HAVE SPLIT UP

“One Direction” have split up
It seems nothing lasts these days
Ironically all the members
Have gone their separate ways

MY DEAR ELDERLY MOTHER

My dear elderly mother
Suffers with indigestion
Ironically her Gaviscon
Is on a repeat prescription

ARE YOU WEARING SPATS?

Are you wearing spats?
Like some old Chicago gangster
If you were told they were in vogue
Then you’re the butt of a prankster

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 385

“As I was going up the stair
I met a man who wasn't there!
He wasn't there again today,
Damn that was some good Mary J”

BOOTS THE CHEMIST SUNDAY OPENING

11am to 9pm the sign read
But the opening time was well past
And we were left out in the cold
And their apathy left me aghast
The signage needs to be amended
And a new sign should be tasked
Open “When we can be bothered”
Until “We can no longer be asked”

ST PATRICKS DAY IS AN EXCUSE

St Patrick’s Day is an excuse
For girls to dress inappropriately
That’s why St Patrick’s Day
Is the best holiday for me

A Little Bit Of Humour # 141

I WENT INTO HOSPITAL FOR MINOR SURGERY # 11

I went into hospital for minor surgery
The staff did not fill me with confidence
As I was coming around I heard someone say
“Did anyone see where I left the instruments?”

ARE YOU WEARING CHIFFON?

Are you wearing chiffon?
So you’ve chosen style over substance
But you won’t hear me complain
As transparency tends to enhance

WE FOUND A BRILLIANT BUILDER

We found a brilliant builder
His workmanship is out of sight
The only snag is he’s Transylvanian
So he can only work at night

WHAT’S A BIDET?

While looking at a hotel website
His granddaughter asked “What’s a Bidet?”
The old soldier smiled wryly and retorted
“It’s a couple of days before D-Day”

DESICCATED SNACK POT

A new desiccated snack pot
Of dried dog and noodles
Are on sale in North Korea
They’re called Not Poodles

NEW BOND VILLAIN

There is a new Bond villain
Although the story is old
His name is Gold sphincter
And he has piles of gold

PAVLOV’S DOG AND SCHRODINGER’S CAT

I wanted a book about Pavlov’s Dog
And Schrodinger’s Cat
And I wanted it quite a lot
So I asked a librarian
And she said it rang a bell,
But she wasn’t sure if it was there or not

AU PAIR

The meaning of the term
Au pair, is a “Social equal”
So you will find your husband
Ran off with the social equal

ARE YOU WEARING A BLACK BODY STOCKING?

Are you wearing a black body stocking?
No I can assure you my tone is not mocking
And though the view may be thought shocking
It will certainly bring admirers flocking

A Little Bit Of Humour # 140

FAIRY TALE’S RESPUN # 15

The true nature of fairy tales
Are for the devotee, a heartbreaker
Because the tales were sanitized
Such as the Elves and the Hoe maker

I WENT INTO HOSPITAL FOR MINOR SURGERY # 10

I went into hospital for minor surgery
The whole surgical team acted like comedians
As I was going under I heard the surgeon say
“Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!”

ARE YOU WEARING BUBBLE WRAP?

Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Well that is a novel form of dress
But if I were to start popping the bubbles
Would that cause you any distress?

I DON’T WALK WITH THE CROWD

I don’t walk with the crowd and
I’m not the usual Microwave user
I like to stop it at one second
Just to feel like a bomb de-fuser.

THE SECRET TO A HAPPY MARRIED LIFE # 2

The secret to a happy married life
Is that good things needn’t be hurried
So be engaged for at least six months
Before the two of you get married

I DON’T MIND YOU NOT BEING GLAMMED UP

I don’t mind you not being glammed up
But a gent’s tweed suit is not your normal attire
Is there any reason for your change of style?
Is the masculine look some form of satire?

THE BEST EASTER ACTOR OF ALL TIME # 3

I saw Arnie eating a chocolate egg
So I said “I know what your favourite
Christian festival is” and he said
“You have to love Easter, baby”

THE GRIM REAPER CAME FOR ME LAST NIGHT

The Grim Reaper came for me last night
And I could barely catch my breath
But I beat him away with a vacuum cleaner
And was really Dyson with death.

AN UMBRELLA WAS LIKE A PANCAKE

Granddad always said, an umbrella was like
A pancake, but I didn’t know what he meant?
I only found out many years later that it was
Because they were seldom seen after lent

WHEN HIS FOOD ARRIVED

When his food arrived
He saw something distressing
“There’s a button in my salad”
The waiter said, messing
“That's all right, sir,
It's just part of the dressing”

A Little Bit Of Humour # 139

FAIRY TALE’S RESPUN # 14

Puss in Boots isn’t all he appears
And you will be shocked to your roots
He is more flamboyant in private
And is often Puss in Latex Boots

I WENT INTO HOSPITAL FOR MINOR SURGERY # 9

I went into hospital for minor surgery
Afterwards in recovery I heard “oh fuck it!,
“Someone call the janitorial services
We're going to need a mop and bucket!”

THE HAGGIS

Haggis is made from sheep's offal
Oatmeal, suet, seasoning and onions
Stuffed inside of a sheep stomach
Which has to be one of Heston’s creations

THE SECRET TO A HAPPY MARRIED LIFE # 1

The secret to a happy married life
Is that you should simply remember
That to keep on the good side of your wife
Silence is sometimes the best answer

ARE YOU WEARING A BRANDY KEG?

Are you wearing a brandy keg?
Is obviously the question that I beg?
I obviously hope the answer is yes
If it’s no, I’m hallucinating I guess

FAT TUESDAY

Pancake Day is known as Fat Tuesday
And is the last day before the Lenten season
It was a feast day and it was the practise of
Them stuffing their faces that is the reason

A HOLIDAY DECEPTION # 1

I pretend to be someone I’m not
Just to receive something sweet
Which could be for Halloween
Or for a Valentine’s Day treat

SO IF THEY PUT REAL LEMONS

So if they put real lemons
In the washing up liquid
Does that mean that they
Put real fairies in fairy liquid

GRETEL DIDN’T GO TO THE WOODS

Gretel didn’t go to the woods
Looking for a house of gingerbread
When she walked along with Hansel
She was looking for a muffin instead

I WENT TO A LECTURE ON TYRE TECHNOLOGY

I went to a lecture on tyre technology
But during the lecture from hell
The lecturer told a joke about a puncture
Which I thought went down well

A Little Bit Of Humour # 112

THE RUSSIAN AIRFORCE ARE DROPPING

The Russian Airforce are dropping
Amazon bombs on Syria
They are so called as they keep
Being left with a neighbour

FOGHORN LEGHORN LEFT

Foghorn Leghorn left
The basketball court
Wearing a scowl
Because he misunderstood
When he heard
The ref blew a foul

ROYAL ETIQUETTE

If you can’t turn your back
On her majesty
How can the royal chauffeur
Drive her safely

YOU KNOW YOU HAVE REACHED

You know you have reached
The end of your childhood
When knock down ginger is bad
And afternoon naps are good

SIT DOWN IN THE MEADOW

Sit down in the meadow
And we will bill and coo
We will choose a perfect spot
But please be careful do
Oh dear that was thoughtless
I did suggest you take care
It was rather ill considered
For you to sit down there
As if you lift your buttock up
You’ll see you squashed
A perfect patch of buttercup

THE SIMPLE DEFINITION OF MARRIAGE

The simple definition of marriage
I think you should understand
Is that one person is always right
And the other one is the husband

ARE YOU WEARING A BRANDY BARREL?

Are you wearing a brandy barrel?
Yes I know it’s like the rescue dog
But you know that the St Bernard
Doesn’t drink all of the grog

I’VE BEEN WORKING REALLY HARD LATELY

I’ve been working really hard lately
But I’ve got a day off today
It was nice not having to get up early
And have a snooze day Tuesday

THE PREDATORY MALE

The predatory male
As he hunts amidst the herds
Is only offended
By two four letter words.
The first one being “don't”
And “stop” being the other
And both words bring a halt
To his particular pleasure
Unless of course
They are used together

HE WAS A REAL JACK THE LAD

He was a real Jack the Lad
All flash and brash,
Living it large
And always splashing the cash
You might well be temped
But I advise nothing rash
If he tries it on give him the slip
And make a dash

ARE YOU WEARING LEGGINGS?

Are you wearing leggings?
That are baggy 'round the knees
As I can’t see them for myself
Can I have more details please?

I TOLD MY DAD

I told my dad “I want to be
A fortune teller init”
He said “Don’t be daft son
There’s no future in it”

I GOT A JOB AT THE CARNIVAL

I got a job at the carnival and
The hall of mirror was my selection
But it wasn’t what I thought
And it was a bad choice on reflection

FOGHORN LEGHORN WAS THROWN

Foghorn Leghorn was thrown
Off the court
As the crowd began to howl
And he would never again
Be a referee
All because he blew a fowl

DONATIONS TO SPERM BANKS

Donations to Sperm Banks
In the UK are in decline
Because most people today
Do their banking on line

FOGHORN LEGHORN’S WIFE ONLY LAID

Foghorn Leghorn’s wife only laid
Her eggs in the winter or fall
But that made sense, as she was
No Spring Chicken after all

A Little Bit Of Humour # 111

EASTER PARADOX

One of the paradoxes of family life
Is that kids will never admit to parents
That they don’t believe in the Easter Bunny
While chocolate eggs accompany events

ST PATRICK'S DAY PICK UP # 2

When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
“Do you have any Irish in you?”
Ask her, on St Patrick's Day
And if she answers no, reply
“Do you want some today?”

THE PRESIDENT OF CHESS CLUB # 2

The president of Chess Club
Was toying with his bishop
Then his mum walked in
And told him he had to stop

HAVING + 1 CHANNELS

If you are going to have + 1 channels
There should be a – 1 for everyone
Which would automatically allow
The likely mistake to be easily undone

WHEN MUM TOLD ME THAT MASTURBATING

When mum told me that masturbating
Caused serious eye defects
I made the decision that I would stop
But not until I needed specs

AT WORK IT WAS THE BIRTHDAY

At work it was the birthday
Of a colleague that no one can abide
The card we got was perfect for her
Because it was blank inside

PICKUP # 16

When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
Say to her “If I follow you home
Tonight its not as it seems
I was just brought up to
Follow my dreams"

ANIMAL RIGHTS PROTESTORS

Animal rights protestors
The animal lovers, self-styled
Broke into a specialist farm
Releasing the haggis to the wild

FOGHORN LEGHORN CROSSED THE ROAD

Foghorn Leghorn crossed the road
And without a pause for dossing
He immediately returned again
Because he was double-crossing

AN ENGLISHMAN WALKED INTO A PUB

An Englishman walked into a pub
But something was definitely up
There were no Irish, Welsh or Scots
Because they were still in the cup

I HAVEN’T BEEN ABLE TO FIND PRAWN BREAD

I haven’t been able to find prawn bread
I have searched from coast to coast
So what I really want to know now is
How on earth do they make prawn toast

WE’VE ALL HEARD ABOUT THE MUSHROOM

We’ve all heard about the mushroom
Who turned out to be the fungi sort
But he also won gold at the Olympics
So he’s a true champignon of sport

I HAVE A CAR THAT CAN TRANSFORM

I have a car that can transform
It’s a real super car
Although to be fare it’s only
Turned into a road so far

A Little Bit Of Humour # 110

ST PATRICK'S DAY PICK UP # 1

When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
“Do you have any Irish in you?”
Ask her, on St Patrick's Day
And if she answers yes, reply
“You can have some more today”

FOGHORN LEGHORN WENT TO TOWN

Foghorn Leghorn went to town
On the bus with the other day trippers
But not to sight see, he went to KFC
Because of the chicken strippers

THE ONLY GOOD THING ABOUT

The only good thing about
The advent of another Wimbledon
Is that it means you’re two weeks
Closer to football season

PICKUP # 15

When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
During a night out
Just say to any girl you meet
"Hi, I'm Mr. Right. Someone
Said you were looking for me”

THE PRESIDENT OF CHESS CLUB # 1

The president of Chess Club
Was rushed into moving his pawn
When he heard his mum planned
To search his bedroom at dawn

IN THE BURNS NIGHT RAFFLE

In the Burns Night Raffle, first prize
Was very highly sought after
For it allowed the winner to pass
On the haggis at the Burns Night Supper

MY HUSBAND MAKES LOVE TO ME

“My husband makes love to me
Like an Olympic athlete, honestly”
She boasted to her peers
“So it’s once every four year”

SOMETIMES I THINK I’LL BE A MALE STRIPPER

Sometimes I think I’ll be a male stripper
Be bold and take a chance
But then I remember I’m really fat
And I can’t actually dance

THE RUSSIAN AIRFORCE ARE FIRING

The Russian Airforce are firing
Amazon missiles at Syria
They are so called as they keep
Being left with a neighbour

ARE YOU WEARING BEER GOGGLES?

Are you wearing beer goggles?
That’s a definite I reckon
Because I look like Iain Dowie
But you see David Beckham

MY SON WAS A MASTER EASTER EGG HUNTER

My son was a master Easter Egg Hunter
From the time he was a few years old
And had it become an Olympic event,
He would have easily have won the Gold

ONE DAY IN A FAR MORE CARING WORLD

One day in a far more caring world
Every chicken that ever lives
Will be able to cross the road without
Being judged on their motives

EVERY CHILD WILL AT SOME TIME

Every child will at some time
Threaten to run away
And that hope keeps parents
Going day to day

SHE WENT TO THE DOCTORS WITH A LETTUCE LEAF

She went to the doctors with a lettuce leaf
Poking out of her knickers which was quite absurd
And it looked a really nasty sight in truth
But it turned out to be just the tip of the iceberg

A Little Bit Of Humour # 109

WHINGING BRITS ABROAD # 12

The beach was right outside the hotel
Which I suppose was alright
But is wasn’t much like the brochure
The sand was yellow not white

WINKS IS AN ACRONYM

WINKS is an acronym for
"Women with Incomes and
No Kids" plenty of money
But no ring on their hand

I HAD A TERRIBLE NIGHT’S SLEEP

I had a terrible night’s sleep
So I went to see Miss Alconbury
About a Chemistry question
But apparently we don’t have any

SHE ONLY COME TO ME WITH A PROBLEM

She only come to me with a problem
When she wants my help solving it
But if she’s looking for sympathy
Then she knows that I’m not fit
So her girlfriends must fill that need
Because I’m an unsympathetic git

MORNGY THURSDAY

At a soup kitchen, they ran out of food
Due to a basic error in their sums
And tempers flared among the homeless
In fact there were a lot of hot cross bums

ARE YOU WEARING A TURKEY SUIT?

Are you wearing a turkey suit?
I really love holiday pranks
But you look like a total arse
And for that I give thanks

THANKSGIVING DAY TURKEY

Bimbette was preparing
For Thanksgiving Day
One hour per pound
So the instructions say
“One hundred and ten
Pound’s is what I weigh”
Bimbette said and put
The Turkey on a baking tray
And roasted the bird
For almost five days

DETECTIVE FOGHORN LEGHORN

Detective Foghorn Leghorn
Was called to a crime scene today
To investigate the death
Of a Turkey, he suspects fowl play

DURING THE THANKSGIVING HOLIDAY

During the thanksgiving holiday
From coast to coast
What do you call a stuffed animal?
We call it a turkey roast

THERE IS A SPECIAL PLACE

There is a special place
In hell for people that play
Any Christmas music
Before Thanksgiving Day

IF AS THEY SAY, MARRIAGE IS A WAR

If as they say, Marriage is a war
Then it’s the only war as far as I can see
Where, as one of the protagonists
You get to sleep with the enemy

IF I HAVE A FIGHT WIFE MY WIFE

If I have a fight wife my wife, I think
“Don't take your troubles to bed”,
So I follow the advice to the letter
And sleep with someone else instead

A Little Bit Of Humour # 108

WHINGING BRITS ABROAD # 11

The golden beach was outside the hotel
Which was really handy
But although it looked like the brochure
The beach was too sandy

DINKY IS AN ACRONYM

DINKY is an acronym for
“Double income no kits yet”
And Dinky’s are really as
Smug as it’s possible to get

NO MATTER YOUR PERSUASION

No matter your persuasion
Sex is not the answer
Sex is actually the question
And “Yes” is the answer

THE PRIMARY SCHOOL TEACHER ASKED

The primary school teacher asked
Name something we have today Ellie
That we didn’t have ten years ago
Ellie replied immediately, “Me”

IF THE NEVERLAND GOVERNMENT

If the Neverland government
Hadn’t cut his disability
Captain Hook would never
Have turned to piracy?

THEY ARE PLANNING A REMAKE

They are planning a remake
Of the classic “the railway children”
But it’s a low budget version
Called the bus replacement children

THERE WAS UPROAR AT THE BAZAAR

There was uproar at the bazaar
In fact it was a little bizarre
When the face painting artist
Turned out to be a Surrealist

APPARENTLY NIGERIA IS NOW POLO FREE

Apparently Nigeria is now polo free
So that’s deserves congratulations
But to be honest I didn’t think
They were one of the equestrian nations

LET’S TRY ROLE PLAY

She said “Let’s try role play
My dirty little mister”
“Ok” he agreed “I’ll be me
And you can be your sister”

WE CAN MAKE LOVE

“We can make love” she said
Suggestively more and more
But I ignored her and put vole
On a triple word score

A Little Bit Of Humour # 107

WHINGING BRITS ABROAD #10

While we were in Spain
I bought a Rolex from an Algerian
Which turned out to be a fake
I’ll never see those 10 Euros again

NIMBY IS AN ACRONYM

NIMBY is an acronym for
“Not In My Back Yard”
If you want to find a Nimby
It really isn’t very hard

ON THE WARD FOR UNWELL BOYS

On the ward for unwell boys
There were a selection of toys
Operation was the particular game
That Tom asked for by name
But Sister said without hesitation
“There’s a waiting list for operation”

THEY’VE STARTED A BREEDING PROGRAM

They’ve started a breeding program
At our local petting zoo
But visitors are worried it will
Become a heavy petting zoo

I WAS HANGING OUT BY THE POOL

I was hanging out by the pool
When I was on holiday in Spain
But someone kindly let me know
So I tucked it back in again

MARRIAGE IS LIKE A PACK OF CARDS

Marriage is like a pack of cards
For when the first deal is made
All you need is a couple of Hearts
And a Diamond to make the grade
But by the end of the endeavour
You will want a Club and a Spade

MY DOG BIT ME ON THE NUTS

My dog bit me on the nuts
When I accidentally kicked her
My wife said it was karma
But I thought she was crosser

SHE WAS SO DRUNK AT THE PARTY

She was so drunk at the party
When her period came on
She mistakenly used a party popper
Instead of a tampon

WHEN I SAW MY WIFE’S BOTOX BILL

When I saw my wife’s Botox bill
I couldn’t believe my eyes
I pointed it out to my wife
But she didn’t look surprised

THE COMPANY WHO SUPPLIED

The company who supplied
My wife’s enhanced d-cup
Used Helium breast implants
So the company went tits up

A Little Bit Of Humour # 106

WHINGING BRITS ABROAD # 9

When we were on holiday
My wife was bitten by a mosquito
Nowhere in the brochure
Did it mention mosquitoes

BANANA IS AN ACRONYM

BANANA is an acronym for
"Build Absolutely Nothing
Anywhere Near Anybody"
That’s real forward thinking

I WANTED TO WRITE A BOOK ABOUT MACHISMO

I wanted to write a book about machismo
About real men achieving their destiny
A ground breaking piece of literature
Unfortunately my wife wouldn't let me

I’M NOT DAIRY OR GLUTEN INTOLERANT

I’m not dairy or gluten intolerant
Nor do I follow the sugar free fad
I don’t need to entertain them,
I’m tolerant of all foods and I’m glad

ARE YOU USING CONTRACEPTION?

“Are you using contraception?
Either Condoms or the pill?
So between you and your boyfriend”
She was asked “Who foots the bill?”
“I do” she replied “I’m a liberated woman,
But the cost of them is something grim,
The problem is I don't know him well enough
To discuss money with him”

WHY CAN'T HOBO’S PLAY BASEBALL?

Why can't hobo’s play baseball?
At the Hubert H. Humphrey Metrodome?
Well they say it’s nothing personal
It’s just that they can't find home

DON’T MOAN ABOUT FUEL ECONOMY

Don’t moan about fuel Economy
Please don’t keep going on
Spare a thought for Dr Who
His Tardis get 30 years to the gallon

WHEN LIFE GIVES YOU LEMONS, AGAIN

When life gives you lemons
Making lemonade is the deal
But if life gives you Lemmings
I’m afraid that’s too surreal

NATURE GIFTED US WITH THE SNOWY OWL

Nature gifted us with the snowy owl
Who on majestic wings takes flight
In the Arctic regions of the North
Hunting its prey both day and night

CORBYN!

Corbyn! Leading the labour party
They couldn’t have got it wronger
I wouldn’t have voted for him
To lead the conference party conga

A Little Bit Of Humour # 105

WHINGING BRITS ABROAD # 8

We had to line up outside
To catch the sightseeing boat
And there was no air-conditioning
Not even when we got afloat

ADIDAS IS AN ACRONYM

ADIDAS is an acronym for
"All day I dream about sex"
And by the time I get to bed
I’m suffering from the effects

IT’S TEN YEARS, ALMOST TO THE DAY

Its ten years, almost to the day
Since I decided to marry my wife
And marrying her was the last
Decision I made in my life

PERCEPTION AND PERSPECTIVE

Perception and perspective
That’s life and all about it
Although I suppose it would
Depend on how you look at it

I WANTED TO WRITE A BOOK ABOUT FEMINISM

I wanted to write a book about feminism
About women achieving their destiny
A ground breaking piece of literature
Unfortunately my boyfriend wouldn't let me

THE WEARING OF ODD COLOURED SOCKS

The wearing of odd coloured socks
Is considered quirky by the youth
For adulthood it’s a bit hipster
But for seniors its dementia in truth

THERE MIGHT WELL BE, AS THEY SAY

There might well be, as they say
“Plenty more fish in the sea”
But until I catch myself a soul
I'm left holding my pole

A MAJOR NEW BIOPIC IS PLANNED

A major new Biopic is planned
So British film fans stand by
It is about Greggs the Bakers
It will be called “The Life of Pie”

TO MANY THE TIME ARRIVES

To many the time arrives
To take stock of their lives
But it’s nothing I condone
So leave your livestock alone

THE BRICK ROAD IS YELLOW

The brick road is yellow
In Oz because, because
Of the insanitary habits
Of the Wizzer of Oz

A Little Bit Of Humour # 104

WHINGING BRITS ABROAD # 7

When we were in Spain there
Were a lot of foreigner there
And they all spoke Spanish
Which I don’t think is fair

WASP IS AN ACRONYM

WASP is an acronym for
"White Anglo-Saxon Protestant"
The target demographic for UKIP
And Nigel Farage has their scent

I WAS CAMPING OUT AT THE WEEKEND

I was camping out at the weekend
In the evergreen forests of Caledonia
But I was confused when I discovered
The pine trees smelt of air freshener

I WENT TO A TALK ABOUT THE WHEELBARROW

I went to a talk about the Wheelbarrow
Just another boring gardening talk
But I was wrong, it was totally enthralling
Next week’s position is the crab walk

I VISITED NIGEL FARAGE’S GARDEN

I visited Nigel Farage’s garden
Well it was hardly National Trust
The patch of lawn was really shit
But the borders were very robust

MY GARDENER HAS OCD

My gardener has OCD
His herb beds are alphabetized
I asked how he found the time
“It’s next to the Sage” he replied

MY SISTER IS A GIANT IN JOURNALISM

My sister is a giant in journalism
And her prowess is eternal
Standing over six feet high
She’s on the Tall Street Journal

WHY ARE PIDGEON’S GREAT BASEBALL PLAYERS?

Why are Pidgeon’s great baseball players?
At the Hubert H. Humphrey Metrodome?
Well it’s obvious when you think about it
It’s because they always make it home

I WANTED TO WRITE A BOOK ABOUT INDEPENDENCE

I wanted to write a book about independence
About people achieving their destiny
A ground breaking piece of literature
Unfortunately my mum wouldn't let me

WE HAVE TWO THINGS IN OUR TOWN

We have two things in our town
Pharmaceuticals and Speedway
The latter has fast and furious thrills
But they don’t use bikes by the way

A Little Bit Of Humour # 103

WHINGING BRITS ABROAD # 6

“No hairdressers at the resort”
The sign said at the resort
My wife is a hairdresser
And she was totally distraught

WHINGING HOLIDAY MAKERS # 6

We went all-inclusive and booked
A day out to a water park, with flumes
But no-one thought to tell us we needed
To take our own swimming costumes

BOOF IS AN ACRONYM

BOOF is an acronym
For "burned out old fart"
I hope that doesn’t refer to me
I’ll tell you that for a start

VAGAZZLING

Vagazzling is a really bizarre
Thing to do to your bits, ok
Because the only men that
Find it attractive will be gay

I’VE NEVER BEEN A FAN OF COMPLEMENTARY MEDICINE

I’ve never been a fan of complementary medicine
But when all else failed I decided to try it
I was given helium as part of my treatment
And I can’t speak highly enough about it

AFTER BEING CAUGHT USING

After being caught using an
Abhorrent substance in plain view
The shamed sportsman has promised
Never again to touch tofu

AFTER BEING CAUGHT, WITH NO EXCUSE

After being caught, with no excuse
For abhorrent substance abuse
The shamed sportsman has sworn
Never again to touch Quorn

AT THE WINTER OLYMPICS GAMES

At the Winter Olympics Games
One of the sponsors participating
Is a pharmaceutical giant who
Are sponsoring the Speed skating

IT WAS INEVITABLE THAT RED BULL

It was inevitable that Red Bull
Would be involved in Formula One
The spectators need to drink it
To stay awake when all said and done

I CAN’T TELL YOU HOW MUCH I DISLIKE F1

I can’t tell you how much I dislike F1
I only watch as a last resort
I find the F1 function key on my laptop
More interesting than the sport

A Little Bit Of Humour # 102

WHINGING BRITS ABROAD # 5

We flew to the West Indies
It took nine hours to get there
It took the Americans three hours
This seems very unfair

WHINGING HOLIDAY MAKERS # 5

We requested a twin bed room
But we ended up with a king size
As a result my wife is pregnant
So that was a nice holiday surprise

CRAFT IS AN ACRONYM

CRAFT is an acronym for
“Can’t remember a fucking thing”
And it’s an Acronym for
“Can’t remember a fucking thing”

WE WENT TO THE LOCAL MULTIPLEX

We went to the local Multiplex
To watch a film called “Anticlimax”
I would have left early if I could
Although the first part was good

MY GIRLFRIEND PASSED OUT

My girlfriend passed out
On the “merry go round”
But she’s alright now, as
What goes around comes around

MY UNCLE’S FAVOURITE TREAT

My uncle’s favourite treat
Is Millionaire’s shortbread
But since he won the lottery
He just calls it shortbread

BEFORE THE WALL CAME DOWN

Before the wall came down, the
East was all about the Warsaw Pact
But since it was demolished, now
The East is empty and that’s a fact

I KNOW THAT PETTY CRIME IS RIFE

I know that petty crime is rife
But how did it come to this
Someone stole my urine sample
And that’s taking the piss

YOU CAN TRAIN ANIMALS TO DO ANYTHING

You can train animals to do anything
I don’t know where it will stop
We have a Pole dancing sheep
In the window of the kebab shop

AFTER MANY YEARS OF HARD WORK

After many years of hard work
Dedication, and repetitive training
Honing my craft at small events
Being informative and entertaining

So when the Olympics came around
My confidence was brimming
But I still ended up commentating
On the synchronized swimming

A Little Bit Of Humour # 101

WHINGING BRITS ABROAD # 4

We went to Spain on Holiday
But we didn’t like it a bit
The local supermarket
Didn’t even sell a proper biscuit

WHINGING HOLIDAY MAKERS # 4

When we were on holiday
We went swimming in the sea
No-one said there would be fish
The kids found it very scary
DILF IS AN ACRONYM

DILF is an acronym for
“Dad I’d like to fuck”
I got one that says
“Who’s the daddy”, just my luck

WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?

What is an Australian kiss?
Do you ever wonder?
Well it’s the same as a French kiss,
Only it’s down under.

THE PAPILLION AFFAIR

My friends happened to mention that
They didn’t particularly like butterflies
And my parents lost it completely,
Not caring for wherefores or whys
My friends became persona non grata
Treated as if they were evil Visigoths
It wasn’t as if they harmed butterflies
They just thought them arrogant Moths

THE BIG SALE STARTS TODAY

The big sale starts today,
30% Reduction Friday
Which comes the day after
50% increase Thursday

TURN ON COUNTDOWN

Last night I was watching Countdown
And Rachel Riley in a colourful gown
When I told my wife, where I am housed
That when watching Rachel I got Aroused
I could tell that I had let down my guard
Her instant response was to slap me, hard
She slapped me unconscious how absurd
And all I did was get a seven-letter word

POSTMAN LOSES SACK

“Postman loses sack”
The crossword-er said
How many letters?
A listener wondered
The former replied
About 500

THE HEAD OF GLOBAL SALES

The head of global sales
Bought a new kitten today
And when he took it home
He took it to the litter tray
And then he said “let’s not
Think outside the box, ok”

THE ONLY GOOD THING

The only good thing
About the end of Wimbledon
Is it means you’re two weeks
Closer to football season

A Little Bit Of Humour # 100

WHINGING BRITS ABROAD # 3

We went on holiday to Spain
But the shopkeepers couldn’t be lazier
The shops closed in the afternoon
I ran out of fags during the Siesta

WHINGING HOLIDAY MAKERS # 3

Topless sunbathing on the beach
Should be universally banned
My husband finds it distracting
And can’t relax as he planned

MILF IS AN ACRONYM

MILF is an acronym for
“Mum I’d like to fuck”
But I’d end up with a Mother
Superior knowing my luck

WHEN I FIRST HEARD ABOUT A SELFIE STICK

When I first heard about a selfie stick
I thought to myself “that sounds good”
But when I eventually got to see one
It was obvious I had misunderstood

I HAD BREAKFAST WITH AN ORNITHOLOGIST

I had breakfast with an Ornithologist
And I thought the waiter made a mistake
But it turned out it was me who was wrong
He really had ordered some Corn Crake

THE TRUTH ABOUT CANDY CRUSH

When I first heard the name mentioned
I had a flash back to tell the truth
I was convinced that Candy Crush
Was a minor porn star from my youth

I AM A QUITE REMARKABLE PERSON

I am a quite remarkable person
And that’s a matter of fact
But the trouble with being fantastic
Is that Opposites attract

THE IRISH CELEBRATE ST PATRICKS DAY

The Irish celebrate St Patricks Day
And I have always wondered why
As they have three patron saints
Perhaps Patrick had a better PR guy

HE WAS NOT BLESSED WITH LOOKS

He was not blessed with looks
And had a look to be pitied
He had a face like a fit, but
You couldn’t tell what it fitted

HIS FEATURES WERE AT ODDS

His features were at odds
Individually each was a quirk
His face didn’t seem to understand
The value of teamwork

NEGLECTED WIFE

She was a good wife but was neglected
She had no marital attention paid
Her husband was always in the pub
Blowing the froth off another barmaid

A Little Bit Of Humour # 99

WHINGING BRITS ABROAD # 2

We went on holiday to Spain
The taxi drivers were a nightmare
All of them were Spanish
Now how can that be fair?

WHINGING HOLIDAY MAKERS # 2

We had a terrible holiday
It was ruined by drunken pests
Our tour operator should have
Warned us of noisy unruly guests

ARE YOU WEARING EAU DE COLOGNE?

Are you wearing eau de Cologne?
Well something smells wrong
I don’t think it’s the real deal
Like it was bottled in Hong Kong?

ALTHOUGH I’M CLEARLY NOT A GIRL

Although I’m clearly not a girl I do
Understand the concept of a trainer bra
But if there are similar aims with trainer socks
Then I don’t know what they are

MY NEXT DOOR NEIGHBOUR IS FAT AND BALD

My next door neighbour is fat and bald
And just sits around all day
He’s looks like the Buddha, but without
The enlightenment I’d say

I TOLD MY DAD THAT I HAD JOB TEMPING

I told my dad that I had job temping
Which sent him quite dolalli
“Fifteen years of education” he raged
“To work at a bowling alley”

ECCEDENTESIAST DESCRIBES SOMEONE

Eccedentesiast describes someone
Who hide their pain behind a smile
Football supporters are like that
Especially if you support Carlisle

MY MUSIC TASTES ARE QUITE ECLECTIC

My music tastes are quite eclectic
So in almost any genre I easily fit
From classical to electro swing
But rap music is an oxymoron isn’t it?

THE DEFINITION OF OXYMORON

The definition of oxymoron
Well that should be a breeze
I’ll give you a clue, it’s not
A person too stupid to breathe

APPLE ARE BUILDING A NEW HQ

Apple are building a new HQ
Its secret design, nobody knows
But one thing we know for sure
The office won’t have windows

A Little Bit Of Humour # 98

WHINGING BRITS ABROAD # 1

We went on holiday to Goa in India
We won’t go back in a hurry
I was disgusted to find that almost
Every restaurant served curry

WHINGING HOLIDAY MAKERS # 1

We went on a self-catering
Luxury break in Bognor
But the fully equipped kitchen
Didn’t have an egg separator

ARE YOU WEARING YOUR BIRTHDAY CLOTHES? # 1

Are you wearing your birthday clothes?
Well if I might be so bold
Don’t just sit there
Or you might catch cold

YOLO IS AN ACRONYM

YOLO is an acronym for
“You only live once” which is nice
Unless of course you’re James Bond
Then “you only live twice”

ARE YOU WEARING EAU DE TOILETTE?

Are you wearing eau de toilette?
Well it’s starting to make me gag
It also reminds me of something
Oh I know it’s a tarts handbag

APPLE ARE DESIGNING A HOUSE

Apple are designing a house
But the one thing nobody knows
Is whether or not the iHome
Is going to have Windows

GROUNDHOG DAY 2015

I heard that Punxsutawney Phil had last year
Bitten the towns Mayor's on the ear
It spoilt the photo opportunity alright
I wonder if that would be a sound bite?

GREECE’S FINANCIAL CRISIS HAS NOW DEEPENED

Greece’s financial crisis has now deepened
Causing a deep and widespread depression
Humus and Taramasalata sales have been banned
Which has now caused a double dip recession

MY WIFE IS A SEX OBJECT

My wife is a sex object
Though I still have respect
But whenever I ask for sex,
She will always object

ACCORDING TO A POLL

Women’s silk Panties are Not
The best thing on earth,
According to a poll they are
Next to the best thing on earth

Candlemas Weekend

IMBOLC

Imbolc, on February 1st
Is one of the four
Gaelic seasonal festivals
Imbolc marks
The beginning of spring
And the end winter.
Celebrated with feasting,
The making of Brighid's crosses,
The holy wells are visited,
And divination begins

SAINT BRIGIT OF KILDARE

Saint Brigit of Kildare
Or Brigid of Ireland
Also known as Mary of the Gael
Is one of Ireland's patron Saints
Along with Patrick and Columba
Her mother was Brocca
A Christian Pict and slave,
Baptised by Saint Patrick
Brigid herself was born into slavery
But it was clear she was holy
An became an early Christian nun
When she became Abbess,
She founded Kildare monastery
The Church of the Oak,
On the site of an old pagan shrine
To the Celtic goddess Brigid

Feast day 1st February


PUNXSUTAWNEY PHIL

On Groundhog Day
In Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania
Punxsutawney Phil
Incites Groundhog mania
Thousands watch to see
If he will see his shadow
For if he does winter remains
And he goes back below

GROUNDHOG DAY

If it is cloudy when he emerges
Then winter will soon go
But if he finds it sunny
He quickly returns below

ON CANDLEMAS DAY

The winter will not come again
If Candlemas day has cloud or rain
But if the day is bathed in sun
Then the spring hasn’t yet begun

FERSOMMLINGE

Fersommlinge is a feast
Celebrated on Candlemas day
In south-eastern Pennsylvania
In the “Fancy Dutch” way
Where in the Groundhog Lodges
Traditional foods are served
In their typically sociable way
Speeches are made and to entertain
They perform g'spiel skits and plays
But only Pennsylvania Dutch is spoken
So for English there’s a penalty to pay

CALL IT WHAT YOU LIKE

Jour de la Marmotte
As the French Canadians say
Grundsaudaag or Murmeltiertag
Is the Pennsylvania German way
But for the rest of us
We just call it Groundhog Day