TRAFFIC COP – DON’T BE TOO CLEVER

Sometimes you can talk

Your way out of a ticket

A little bit of charm

Is probably the safest bet

Humour can work as well

Don’t say to the men in blue

“That's great the last cop

Only gave me a warning too” 

TRAFFIC COP – DON’T BE TOO FUNNY

 

Sometimes you can talk

Your way out of a ticket

A little bit of charm

Is probably the safest bet

Humour can work as well

So, say to the men in blue

“You don’t need to check

In the boot, do you?”

TRAFFIC COP – STOPPED FOR SPEEDING

 

When a cop stopped me for speeding

They fined me one hundred pounds

“I was only trying to keep up with traffic”

But the traffic officer stood his ground

Then he looked at me and responded

“But there are no other cars around”

“I know” I said “I was doing a hundred

And I was still losing ground

TRAFFIC COP – AVOID ANY REFERENCE

Sometimes you can talk

Your way out of a ticket

A little bit of charm

Is probably the safest bet

Humour can work as well

Providing you’re careful

And avoid any reference

To the Village People

 

TRAFFIC COP – I’M SORRY OFFICER

 “I have to book you” the Officer said

“In the hope that you won’t do it again sir”

“No it won’t happen again” I said

“As I won’t forget to plug in my radar detector”

TRAFFIC COP – I’M SORRY

 

“I’m sorry” the Officer said

“That I have to give you a ticket sir”

“I’m sorry too” I said “That I forgot

To plug in my radar detector”

SPEEDING TICKET

 

Bimbette was stopped for speeding

When asked to produce her license

She launched into a tirade of abuse

“This doesn’t make any bloody sense”

When the officer calmed her down

He asked Bimbette to explain

“Well you only took it away yesterday

And now you want to see it again”

TRAFFIC COP – HOLD IT

When the police pulled me over

The reason wasn’t exactly clear

It could have been the speeding

That caused the police to appear

Or running several red lights

Or my complete inability to steer

Any of the above would have done it

Of that I am perfectly clear

But what I said to the officer

Was what really swung it I fear

“I can easily reach my license

If you would hold my beer” 

RACING THROUGH ON THE GREEN

 

Racing through on the green

Breaking hard on the red

Foot dallying on the amber

Before belting across instead

A LIFESAVING TOOL

 

She bought a lifesaving tool for her car

Which for her was quite astute

It’s designed to cut through your seat belt

In the event of it trapping you on route

Particularly in the aftermath of a Crash

Unfortunately, Bimbette keeps hers in the boot

I’VE GOT TO DRIVE MYSELF TO BLACKPOOL

 

I’ve got to drive myself to Blackpool

And I’ve not long passed my test

Now I have to navigate my way around

The cobbled motorways of the northwest

I HAVE SIX POINTS ON MY LICENCE

 

I have six points on my licence

I’ve been done for speeding before

but today I was cautioned to slow down

By my doctor and not by the law

CAR DEAL

 

After passing his driving test, a teenage boy,

Asked his dad if he would buy him a car

Dad thought about it for a while and replied

“If you do better at school than you have so far,

Go to church every Sunday without fail

And get a haircut. I will buy you a car”

 

After a few months had passed the boy

Asked his dad if he would buy him a car

Dad thought about it for a while and replied

“Well, you have improved at school by far

And you’ve gone to church every Sunday

But you still need a haircut, so no car”

 

The boy replied, “Since going to church

I have learned a very great deal so far

Samson, John the Baptist, Moses, and Jesus

All had long hair, so we are on a par"
Dad smiled and said, “They may all have had

Long hair but none of them had a car”

ROAD HOGS

 

Some drivers are so selfish

And some are arrogant with it

It seems that when they buy a car

They think the road comes with it

ROAD RAGE # 2

 

I hate driving

I hate what it does to me

I strive to be better

And behave courteously

 

But the second

The car door slams

I feel myself change

Into a different man

 

I lose my communication skills

Speaking in gestures

Or coded messages on the horn

That don’t relieve the pressure

 

Driving makes me intolerant

Impatient and aggressive

It makes me angry

Selfish and abusive

 

I hate driving

I hate what it does to me

It fills me with rage

For everything I see

LITTERBUG JITTERBUG

 

Discarded from a moving car

The litter travels very far

Each piece small or big

Performs a little merry jig

Each windblown piece at play

Participates in the ballet

Plastic bags float with ease

Waltzing high upon the breeze

Sweet papers flutter

Down in the gutter

Coke cans or maybe tango

Dance the tin can fandango

While larger papers jitterbug

Thanks to the litterbug

OUT IN THE COUNTRY

 

Driving down country lanes

Top down, wind in my hair

The sun gracing the sky

The wind set fair

The smell of hay,

Freshly mowed

Beasts in the fields

Beyond hedgerows

Blue cloudless skies,

On a glorious summer’s day,
The only blot being

The cyclists in my way

KNIGHTS OF THE ROAD

 

Mild mannered and the meek

Shy and too embarrassed to speak

No goose hears them say boo

They are hardly noticeable to you

Then they get into a car

And safe behind the wheel

They are transformed

Those once quiet and retiring

Calm and rational people

Are now fearless, bold and brave

Safe in their steel boxes

That they wear like armour

Quarantined from the world

In their metal machines

They make manifest into beasts from hell

They become possessed

Morphing into deranged sociopaths

From Mogwai to gremlin

Those once too shy to speak

The humble and the tame

Now bellow obscenities

Foul and nasty profanities

To all and sundry

Dispensing venomous rebukes

Like Georges dragon breathing fire

They drive like crazed charioteers

Set loose from the hippodrome

They cut you up

With last second maneuvers

Changing lanes, jumping lights

Leaving chaos in their wake

They sneer at authority

Swear and gesticulate

No one is safe from them

The old lady at the crossing

A group of school children

A priest or a nun

No one is safe from their wrath

Then safely at their destination

Parked in another’s space

They exit the car

And are meek once more

A BRIDGE TOO FAR

 

A truck driver was driving along

At a furious rate

When the "Low Bridge Ahead." Sign

Appeared just too late

He braked hard but got stuck

And traffic backed up for miles

Then a traffic cop arrived

Got out of his car and smiles

The cop said “did you get stuck”?

Treating him like a fool

“No, I was delivering this bridge

When I ran out of fuel"

THERE ARE THREE TYPES OF DRIVER

 

There are three types of driver on our roads

Those who think other road users drive too fast

Those who think others drive too slow, and

And group three are the one they’re referring to