TRAFFIC COP – AVOIDING THE OBVIOUS

 

Sometimes you can talk

Your way out of a ticket

A little bit of charm

Is probably the safest bet

Humour can work but

When talking to the constabulary

Avoid reminding them

Exactly who pays their salary

TRAFFIC COP – DO YOU KNOW?

 

“Do you know why I pulled you over?”

The cop asked me like a typical fuzz

“No officer I don’t, I hope you do, 

I think it’s important that one of us does”

TRAFFIC COP – I’M SORRY PUTZ

 

When the police caught me speeding

My eyes were strained and blinking

I was pulled over by a putz

 

Who said “Your eyes look red,

Have you been drinking?”

So, with no ifs or buts

 

“Your eyes look glazed”

I responded without thinking

“Have you been eating doughnuts?”

TRAFFIC COP – DON’T BE TOO CLEVER

Sometimes you can talk

Your way out of a ticket

A little bit of charm

Is probably the safest bet

Humour can work as well

Don’t say to the men in blue

“That's great the last cop

Only gave me a warning too” 

TRAFFIC COP – DON’T BE TOO FUNNY

 

Sometimes you can talk

Your way out of a ticket

A little bit of charm

Is probably the safest bet

Humour can work as well

So, say to the men in blue

“You don’t need to check

In the boot, do you?”

TRAFFIC COP – STOPPED FOR SPEEDING

 

When a cop stopped me for speeding

They fined me one hundred pounds

“I was only trying to keep up with traffic”

But the traffic officer stood his ground

Then he looked at me and responded

“But there are no other cars around”

“I know” I said “I was doing a hundred

And I was still losing ground

TRAFFIC COP – AVOID ANY REFERENCE

Sometimes you can talk

Your way out of a ticket

A little bit of charm

Is probably the safest bet

Humour can work as well

Providing you’re careful

And avoid any reference

To the Village People

 

TRAFFIC COP – I’M SORRY OFFICER

 “I have to book you” the Officer said

“In the hope that you won’t do it again sir”

“No it won’t happen again” I said

“As I won’t forget to plug in my radar detector”

TRAFFIC COP – I’M SORRY

 

“I’m sorry” the Officer said

“That I have to give you a ticket sir”

“I’m sorry too” I said “That I forgot

To plug in my radar detector”

FAVOURITE CAR

 

To find our favourite car

A survey has been done

And women have declared

That it is a red one

SPEEDING TICKET

 

Bimbette was stopped for speeding

When asked to produce her license

She launched into a tirade of abuse

“This doesn’t make any bloody sense”

When the officer calmed her down

He asked Bimbette to explain

“Well you only took it away yesterday

And now you want to see it again”

TRAFFIC COP – HOLD IT

When the police pulled me over

The reason wasn’t exactly clear

It could have been the speeding

That caused the police to appear

Or running several red lights

Or my complete inability to steer

Any of the above would have done it

Of that I am perfectly clear

But what I said to the officer

Was what really swung it I fear

“I can easily reach my license

If you would hold my beer” 

ARE YOU WEARING A SEAT BELT?

 

Are you wearing a seat belt?

Well, you must as it’s the law

Yes, I know its confining

But not as much as a mortuary draw

I PICKED UP A HITCHHIKER TODAY

 

I picked up a hitchhiker today

I know you’re not supposed to

But as I knocked him down

It was the least I could do

RACING THROUGH ON THE GREEN

 

Racing through on the green

Breaking hard on the red

Foot dallying on the amber

Before belting across instead

SEATBELT ANXIETY

 

My seatbelt wouldn’t fasten

I thought I had been tricked

But couldn’t work out just how

To do it up and then it clicked

A SMALL PRANG

 

I had a crash with another car

It was my fault, Granted

And the “little man” got out

And God how he ranted

“I’m not happy” he shouted

“I’m not happy” he said again

I just and smiled and said

“Which one are you then?”

I HAVE AN ANGEL ON MY DASHBOARD

 

I have an Angel on my dashboard

She’s my special lucky charm

I have an angel on my dashboard

Who’s keeping me from harm

I WAS DRIVING ALONG THE DUAL CARRIAGEWAY

 

I was driving along the dual carriageway

When my boss phoned me

And told me I was being promoted

It came out of the blue and surprised me

It came as such a shock

That I swerved the car quite violently

 

A little further along the dual carriageway

And my boss phoned me again

And told me along with the promotion

Came a very nice financial gain

It came as such a shock

That I swerved the car violently again

 

A little further along the dual carriageway

And my boss phoned to tell me

And told me along with the promotion

Came the executive washroom key

It came as such a shock

That I again swerved the car violently

 

My boss phoned further down the carriageway

And I answered in hands free mode

And told me along with the promotion

I was to receive the penthouse code

It came as such a shock

I swerved and careered off the road

OVER ENGINEERED

 

Every time I start my car

A light glow’s on the dash

Reminding me

To release the handbrake

Then a light flashes

And a warning bleep’s

Telling me to buckle up

When I actually start to move

An arrow appears

Telling me to change gears

Then it dawns on me

What has occurred.

Automotive engineers

After a century of expertise

Have managed to build a woman

Inside every car