If wishes were horses,
Beggars would ride.
If turnips were watches,
I would wear one by my side.
Or buy a knock off
From the Veg market
Saturday, 31 December 2022
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 330
JANUARY BLUES
I hate the month of January
Every single day from
New Year’s day
To the 31st day
I hate the month of
January
With every fibre of my
being
You may say it’s just
the January blues
That colours my views
But it’s much deeper
than that.
It’s always such a
long depressing month
With dreary weather
and miserable people
It’s the inevitable
aftermath
That follows a joyful
Christmas
It’s going back to
work to the same depressing job
You so happily left
behind you on Christmas Eve
It’s the empty bank
account
And the look ahead at
the five long weeks till payday
Its New Year’s
resolutions and not keeping them
I hate the month of
January
From day one, New
Year’s Day
With its reminder of
things to come
Another bloody awful
year ahead
January fills me with
dread
NEW YEARS RESOLUTION # 1
I was separated from my wife
Due to my serial
infidelity
And found myself in
bed again
With her best friend
Felicity
It was on New Year’s
Day
And Felicity asked me
“Did you make a
resolution?
What was it? Go on
tell me”
I replied “Not to be
unfaithful
Ever again to my wife
Pru”
As she climbed onto me,
she asked
“How’s that working
out for you?”
NEW YEARS RESOLUTION # 2
I made a New Year’s resolution
To stop having one-night
stands
Which would be easier
to do
If second dates were
in my plans
NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTION
If you have decided
You are overweight
And a diet is the
solution
If you have decided
This should be
Your New Year’s
resolution
Just listen to these
facts
For just a moment
And then digest the
information
Of all the people in
Britain
There are more overweight
people
Than there are average
weight people
So overweight people
Are now the new
average weight people
So, job done, you have
reached your target
You are no longer
overweight
You have kept your New
Year’s resolution
Have a cake to
celebrate
ARE YOU WEARING YOUR BIRTHDAY CLOTHES? # 1
Are you wearing your birthday clothes?
Well, if I might be so bold
Don’t just sit there
Or you might catch cold
YOLO IS AN ACRONYM
YOLO is an acronym for
“You only live once” which is nice
Unless of course you’re James Bond
Then “you only live twice”
MY WIFE IS A SEX OBJECT
My wife is a sex object
Though I still have respect
But whenever I ask for sex,
ACCORDING TO A POLL
Women’s silk Panties are Not
The best thing on earth,
According to a poll they are
APPLE ARE DESIGNING A HOUSE
Apple are designing a house
But the one thing nobody knows
Is whether or not the iHome
Is going to have Windows
Friday, 30 December 2022
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 329
Go to bed first,
A golden purse,
Go to bed second,
A golden pheasant,
Go to bed third,
And be
extremely embarrassed
By what you
find the other two doing
ARE YOU WEARING A NEW YEARS OUTFIT?
Are you wearing a New Year’s outfit?
Well, you
really do look good in it
And it
doesn’t look risqué, not a bit
It’s a
really cracking little outfit
Though all
the emphasis is on the fit
IS SANTA CLAUS REALLY A WOMAN # 8
Is Santa Claus really a woman?
Well,
there’s no evidence yet
But ask
yourself if a man
Would
choose to wear red velvet
WHEN THE CLOCK STRIKES
When the clock strikes
The
midnight hour
One-year
ends
And another
begins
With an explosion
Of pyrotechnic
splendour
Lavishly
ostentatious
Many thousands
of pounds
Up in smoke
Is it really
worth it?
Would it
not be better spent?
On the
homeless
And the lost
And so,
begin a new year
With new
hope
IT’S SUCH A MILD NEW YEAR
It’s such a mild New Year
All the
birds are singing noisily
Noisy
little bastards
Should be
frozen to a tree
NEW YEARS PICKUP # 1
When you’re on the pull
If you want
to break the ice
Say
something funny
Or say
something nice
Be complimentary
Or just lie
in your endeavour
Be devastatingly
witty
Or say something
clever
On New
Year’s Eve
Before the
bells begin to clang
Ask her if
she wants to
Ring in the New Year with a bang?
THE YEAR IS TURNING
The year is turning, the cycle
Has made another
revolution
It’s time
once more to make
The obligatory
resolution
Which is
broken within days
But this
year I have a solution
In order to
make it last
I will not
make a resolution
NEW RESOLVE
My New Year resolution
Was to find
a solution
To my
misshapen figure
And lack of
vim and vigour
Though feeling
rather grim
I signed up
for the gym
First came
the orientation
And
equipment demonstration
I was told
of suitable clothes
Something
loose that flows
I said “the
reason or the point
Of me being
in this joint
And why I
signed up tonight
Is all my
clothes are tight”
OLD YEARS NIGHT
My wife is an optimist
Which is why,
she stays up
On New Year’s
Eve
To see in
the new one
I am by
nature a pessimist
Which
means, that I stay up
On New Year’s
Eve
To make sure
the old one has gone
FROM ONE YEAR TO THE NEXT
I want to kiss you
On December
31st
Before the
clock strikes twelve
Until the
last chime
Echoes in the
night
Of January
the first
So, one
year will come to an end
In the most
amazing way
And the next
will have
A beautiful
beginning
THIS YEAR’S NEW YEAR’S EVE FORECAST;
This year’s New Year’s Eve forecast;
A row with
the girlfriend, acute loneliness
Followed by
being mostly drunk with
A very
slight chance of unconsciousness
NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS ARE JUST
New Year’s resolutions are just
Lies that
we tell one another
And are
something that go in
One year
and out the other
Thursday, 29 December 2022
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 328
Sing a song of sixpence
A pocket
full of rye
Its two and
a half p now
But that doesn’t
rhyme
ARE YOU WEARING BLACK TINSEL?
Are you wearing black tinsel?
Tied amidst
your lustrous curls
Well, you
must either be a Grinch
Or you’re a
very wicked girl
IS SANTA CLAUS REALLY A WOMAN # 7
Is Santa Claus really a woman?
Well surely
its self-evident
It takes a
great deal of effort
To achieve the
necessary merriment
And no man is
capable
Of that
level of commitment
DO NOT EAT CHRISTMAS DECORATIONS
Do not eat Christmas decorations
They are not nutritious in the slightest
And apart from that very simple fact
You will
end up with bad tinsilitis
I ALWAYS COME OUT IN A RASH
I always come out in a rash
It happens
every Xmas
I’ve been
to see a doctor
And he
thinks its Eczemas
WHEN A VAMPIRE BIT
When a Vampire bit
A Snowman
one night
They both
ended up
With a case of frostbite
GOOD KING WENCESLAS ORDERED OUT
Good King Wenceslas ordered out
On the feast of Stephen
An eighteen slice with extra cheese
Deep pan, crisp and even
SANTA'S FAVORITE CHRISTMAS SONG
Santa's favorite Christmas song
That he
sings repeatedly
Is Santa Claus
is coming to town
Sung by
Elfish Presley
WE HAVE THE SAME CHRISTMAS WINE
We have the same Christmas wine
Every year
on Christmas day
“I don't
want any Brussels sprouts”
I WENT OUT CHRISTMAS SHOPPING
I went out Christmas shopping
But I didn’t
get very far
Before I
got caught shoplifting
As I stole
an advent calendar
The shopkeeper
had me arrested
Because of
my larcenous ways
And for
stealing an advent calendar
I got twenty-five
days
CRACKERS, FRUITCAKE AND NUTS
Crackers, fruitcake, and nuts
They mean Christmas
to me
Although to
be honest, they
Could also
describe my family
Wednesday, 28 December 2022
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 327
Old Mother Hubbard
Went to the
cupboard
To fetch the
poor dog a bone
Then she
remembered
She didn’t
have a dog
IS SANTA CLAUS REALLY A WOMAN # 6
Is Santa Claus really a woman?
Well would
that be so shocking
I mean if
it were left to a man
And I don’t
mean to be mocking
But are
really more interested
In a very
different stocking
HER WASSAIL
She would sing for her supper
And wail
for her wassail
To get her
turkey dinner
And a pint
of Christmas ale
SANTA CLAUS IS COMING TO TOWN
You better watch out
You better not cry
Better not pout
I'm telling you why
Because Daddy
Has just worked
A 14 hour
day
And now has
to drive
300 miles
of Christmas traffic
To spend
another bloody Christmas
At Grandma
Browns
House of doom
So, he is
not in the mood
For any of
your shit
OH SANTA CLAUS THE BELLS THE BELLS ARE CALLING
Oh Santa Claus the bells the bells are calling
From town
to town, where goodwill doth abide
The summers
gone, the autumn leaves have fallen
We’re near,
we’re near another Christmas tide
So come ye
back to us on Christmas Evening
When all
the land is hushed and white with snow
And we will
leave your milk and cookies
Oh Santa
Claus, you know we love you so
MERRY, MERRY
The doctor scratches his head
And is almost struck dumb
Why did Santa Claus have
A mince pie stuck up his bum
The only answer was
On a pie he must have sat
So, the doctor said
“I’ll give you some cream to put on that”
IT’S JUST AS WELL THAT JESUS
It’s just as well that Jesus
Wasn’t born
today to be fair
As there
aren’t 3 wise men
And a virgin
anywhere
WHAT DO YOU CALL A BLIND REINDEER?
What do you call a blind reindeer?
During the
governments austere stance
“Fit for
work and no longer eligible
For any disability
allowance”
WHEN CHRISTMAS DAY WAS OVER # 1
When Christmas Day was over
Mrs. Claus
needed a release
It was a
very stressful time
Spreading
good will and peace
So as soon
as Santa was rested
She always
liked to have a bit
And more often
than not
They’d go and
do it in the sleigh
THE PIPES OF CHRISTMAS PAST
The pipes of Christmas past
Carry with
every merry blast
Seasonal joy
when they play
Their tunes
of Christmas day
I SIT WITH A MIRROR STRAIGHT AHEAD OF ME
I sit with a mirror straight ahead of me
And another
one placed behind me
So, my
image is repeated in perpetuity
That way I
don’t feel so lonely
Tuesday, 27 December 2022
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 326
Little Miss Muffet
Sat on a
tuffet
Eating her
curds and whey
Along came
a geezer
Who stood
right behind her
And gave
her a goose whey hey
A RED RIBBON TIED IN YOUR HAIR
A red ribbon tied in your hair
You’re a
lovely Christmas miss
Come under the
mistletoe
IS SANTA CLAUS REALLY A WOMAN # 5
Is Santa Claus really a woman?
How ridiculous,
no way
They can’t
parallel park a car
How would
they cope with a sleigh?
WHEN CHRISTMAS DAY WAS OVER # 2
When Christmas Day was over
Mrs. Claus
needed a release
It was a
very stressful time
Spreading good
will and peace
So as soon
as Santa was rested
She always
liked to have a bit
Being
partial to the "North Pole"
Well, that's
what Mrs C calls it
THE PIPES OF CHRISTMAS PAST BLOW OUT
The pipes of Christmas past blow out
The melodies
of yesteryear
With memories
to warm the heart
And bring a
sentimental tear
A DOG ISN’T JUST FOR CHRISTMAS
A dog isn’t just for Christmas
That’s what
they say
And they
are correct
It’s also
nice cold on Boxing Day
TRANSVESTITE CHRISTMAS
Do you think that cross dressers
Find Christmas
is merry?
I bet you
think they are sad
Well on the
contrary
I really
love Christmas
As I can
eat, drink and be Mary
MY GOOSE WAS COOKED
On Christmas morning
Into the kitchen
I snook
And as my
wife cooked the Goose
I goosed
the cook
WE WENT TO A FAIRY TALE PARTY
We went to a fairy tale party
Which I
thought was crappy
I ended up
feeling grumpy
While my
wife was felling happy
GREECE’S FINANCIAL CRISIS HAS NOW DEEPENED
Greece’s financial crisis has now deepened
Causing a
deep and widespread depression
Humus and Taramasalata
sales have been banned
Monday, 26 December 2022
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 325
Little Bo Peep has lost her sheep
And doesn’t
know where to find them
But we all
know that Greek Giorgio
Has already
Kebabed them
ARE YOU WEARING RED TINSEL?
Are you wearing red tinsel?
Tied amidst
your lustrous curls
Red can be
a devilish colour
So, are you
a devilish kind of girl?
IS SANTA CLAUS REALLY A WOMAN # 4
Is Santa Claus really a woman?
Why are we
having this debate?
If Santa
was a woman
How would
she navigate?
My wife got
lost last week
In a car
park in Ramsgate
BAD SANTA # 4
Bad Santa is a bit of a perve
And his
special seasonal wish
Is for you
to jingle his bells
THE BIG FELLA’S R & R AGAIN
After circumnavigating the globe
The reins
of his sleigh in his hand
The only thought
on his mind
Is his
wife’s winter wonderland
WANTED: SANTA’S LITTLE HELPER
It wasn’t efficiency
Santa
wanted from his helper
He preferred
them to be
A barker
and a yelper
But then
the vacancy was for
Santa’s
slutty little helper
CHRISTMAS TRIMMINGS
Christmas planning is essential
Or else the
festive ambience suffers
And you
will not easily be forgiven
If you
forget the stocking stuffer’s
CHAVS CHRISTMAS # 1
I kept the kids home from school
For the big
Christmas shop
Because during
school time
You rush
round without a stop
FOR STRESS FREE SHOPPING
For stress free shopping
Follow this
golden rule
And get all
of it done
While the
kids are at school
LIFE’S VEXATIONS # 8
Is there anything more annoying?
If I had my
way it would be a crime
Those
people who point at their wrist
While they
are asking for the time
Sunday, 25 December 2022
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 324
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To where the
Vodka was stashed
And on the
quiet moonlit hill
The two of them
got smashed
ARE YOU WEARING GOLDEN TINSEL?
Are you wearing Golden tinsel?
Tied amidst
your lustrous curls
It makes
you look so beautiful
And more
like an angel than a girl
IS SANTA CLAUS REALLY A WOMAN # 3
Is Santa Claus really a woman?
Let’s silence
those objections
How would
he navigate the globe?
And all its
many intersections
When a man
is totally incapable
Of ever asking for directions
BAD SANTA # 3
Bad Santa is a bit of a perve
So naughty
girl when he comes into view
It won’t be
candy cane in his pocket
He’ll be really
pleased to see you!
THE LAST REINDEER
A reindeer walked into a pub,
And ordered
a pint of beer.
The barman
pulled a pint
And gave it
to the reindeer,
The
reindeer took the drink
And handed
over a ten
He checked
his change
Then he
checked it again
The barman
then said
"You’re
the first reindeer
I think I’m
right in saying
That we've
had in here."
He
delivered to the barman
A look,
barely disguised
“To be
honest at these prices
I'm really
not surprised”
I AM BLESSED WITH FRIENDS AT CHRISTMAS
I am blessed with Friends
Some of them
are fruity
Some are
soaked in alcohol
Some of
them are nutty
Some are
sweet
Some add spice
Some add
zest
Some smell
nice
But when
mixed together
And yuletide
is upon us
They become
without doubt
The fruit
cake of Christmas
IS SANTA CLAUS REALLY A WOMAN # 8
Is Santa Claus really a woman?
Well,
there’s no evidence yet
But ask
yourself if a man
Would
choose to wear red velvet
FROSTY THE SNOWMAN DIVORCED HIS WIFE
Frosty the snowman divorced his wife
As the
marriage was a mistake
He decided
to divorce his wife
After he
found out she was a flake
SANTA’S HELPER
Santa has helpers at Christmas
To get him
through the season
Then he
rests pretty much until Easter
He claims
fatigue is the reason
And he is
unable to fulfil his duties
Satisfying his
cute little yelper
So, he
bought Mrs. Claus a new toy
To make his
neglected wife purr
It came
with plenty of batteries
It’s known
as Santa Big helper
I DON’T LIKE LACE-UP SHOES
I don’t like lace-up shoes
And
slip-ons aren’t so hot
That just
leaves Velcro
So, I figured
why knot?
I’M NOT A FUSSY EATER AND THERE ISN’T
I’m not a fussy eater and there isn’t
Much I
won’t eat out of choice
But I will
not eat an oyster because
It’s like
licking phlegm off a tortoise
Saturday, 24 December 2022
ARE YOU WEARING SILVER TINSEL?
Are you wearing Silver tinsel?
Tied amidst
your lustrous curls
It makes
you look so beautiful
And more
like an angel than a girl
IS SANTA CLAUS REALLY A WOMAN # 2
Is Santa Claus really a woman?
Why has this
not come up before?
If it were
left to a man everything
Would come
from the corner store
BAD SANTA # 2
Bad Santa is a bit of a perve
For the girls
with a bit of curve
He reads
the naughty and nice list
But prefers the "nice and naughty list”
LITTLE BOXES
Little parcels by the fireside
Little
parcels wrapped in pretty paper
Little
parcels by the fireside
Little labels
all the same
There's a round one and a square one
And a long one and a squishy one,
And they're all wrapped in pretty paper
Little labels all the same
And the
people in their houses
All sit
beside the Christmas tree
And one
un-wraps a pretty parcel
Then the
others do the same
So the
round one and the square one
And the long one and the squishy one,
That were all wrapped in pretty paper
Christmas presents is the name
AFTER THREE WEEKS OR SO
After three weeks or so
Working in
the grotto
It begins
to take its toll
On the poor
old soul
Sitting on
his great chair
Pretending
to care
As all the girls
and boys
Plead for
various toys
Kids of
every shape and size
Looking for
a prize
Clambering
on his knee
Wriggling
with glee
Until the
poor old chap
Suffers
from Santa lap
THE OFFICE PARTY
The office party
Was relief
from the slog
When you
spent your time
Hitting the
nog
And hanging
by the mistletoe
Hoping for
a snog
CHRISTMAS MANIA
Uncle John has mental health issues
And he doesn’t
do well with stress
So normally
come Christmas time
He has to
board the bi-polar express
THE BIG FELLA’S R & R
After circumnavigating the globe
Staring at
the back end of Prancer
Santa Claus
really looks forward
To watching
a north pole dancer
HANDLE MUM WITH CARE
Mum gets really stressed out at Christmas
And you
upset her if you dare
Because the
result could be that you will
Be hung from
the chimney with care
SANTA CLAUS IS IN TROUBLE
Santa Claus is in trouble
He’s been
up to his old tricks again
When the
Christmas fairy was found
Licking his candy cane
Friday, 23 December 2022
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 322
It’s raining its pouring
The weather’s
wet and stormy
I went to
bed because they said
It’s due to
global warming
ARE YOU WEARING CHRISTMAS EARRINGS?
Are you wearing Christmas earrings?
They’re
really quite adorable
Would it be
inappropriate to say?
That I
really like your baubles
IS SANTA CLAUS REALLY A WOMAN # 1
Is Santa Claus really a woman?
Oh, do me a
favour please
It’s
obviously a man
Why is it
so hard to believe?
That’s why
everything happens
Late on
Christmas Eve
LAST CHRISTMAS I GAVE YOU # 3
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart,
But I’m sorry
to say,
That your
gift to me
Was
chlamydia
BAD SANTA # 1
Bad Santa is a bit of a perve
For the
girls with a bit of curve
And he thinks
that the naughty list
Is really
more like his to-do list
AS WE APPROACH ANOTHER YULE
As we approach another Yule
Its time I
went off on the pull
Looking for
a Christmas honey
Someone
attractive and funny
And if I
manage to attract her
I will pull
a Christmas cracker
MITHRAS
Mithras was a pagan faith
Older than we
can remember
And the
festival was held
Towards the
end of December
Thank God
it’s been replaced
By the
festival of Christmas
Otherwise,
we’d have to wish
Everyone a
merry Mithras
WE COULD HAVE
We could have raised a glass
With all
the usual crowd
We could
have gone to mums
And spent Christmas
in Stroud
We could
have jetted off
For sand
and sea and sun
We could’ve
gone to my bro’s
Were they
have “lots of fun”
We could
have stayed at home
And just
had “a quiet one”
Laughing at
the annual
Morecambe and
Wise rerun
But we
decided to avoid this year
The usual
helter skelter
And help
cook Christmas dinner
At the homeless
shelter
MAY THIS CHRISTMAS SEASON
May this Christmas season
Be overflowing
with Christmas spirit
Enough to
banish all the Grinch’s
And the
Ebenezer Scrooges
And make it a very merry Christmas
I BUILT THE PERFECT SNOWMAN
I built the perfect snowman
Well, a snow-woman
actually
She was a
little disproportionate
But she was
perfect to me
She was a
little cold
But we
could’ve been happy
I wrapped
her in a blanked
And took her
to my bed
In the
morning I was hoping,
Though
nothing was said
That we
would make love
But I woke
alone instead
And to make
matters worst
One of us
had wet the bed
MY WIFE HAS MADE IT CLEAR TO ME
I mustn’t leave my shopping,
My wife has
made it clear to me,
Until late on
Christmas Eve
For my Christmas
won’t be merry
If all she
gets is cheap perfume
And more
slutty lingerie
Thursday, 22 December 2022
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 321
There was a little girl
Who had a
little curl
Unlike all
her mates
Who had
theirs waxed
ARE YOU WEARING STRIPY STOCKINGS?
Are you wearing stripy stockings?
It must be
that time of the year again
I know you
think they’re cute, but
Your legs
look like candy canes
CHRISTMAS EVE IN THE WORKHOUSE # 1
It’s Christmas Eve in the workhouse,
And not a
hint of the seasons in sight
No
stockings hang by the fire side
They’ll be
no treats in store tonight
THE MAGIC OF CHRISTMAS
The magic of Christmas
Is the Christmas
cheer
What a
shame it can’t last
Throughout
the year
CHRISTMAS PUDDING
Christmas pudding
Boiling in the
pot
Rich
steamed pudding
Hissing in
the pot
Christmas
pudding
Singing in
the pot
Turn the
pudding out
Its
steaming hot
THE THING THAT I ENJOY THE MOST
The thing that I enjoy the most
When Christmas
descends
Isn’t giving
and receiving gifts
It’s seeing
my family and friends
Because
when it comes down to it
That’s what
counts in the end
SPARE A THOUGHT
We live in a selfish world
We all
think of “me and mine”
It’s
perfectly natural, after all
Putting family
first is fine
But just take
a moment
As you sit down
to dine
To think of
the hungry
And when
the meal is done
Think of
the homeless
And as you
enjoy the family fun
With people
who truly care
Think of
those who have no one
IN TRUE DICKENSIAN TRADITION
In true Dickensian tradition
Amidst the
Christmas mayhem
Even in the
thronging malls
There are
unforced smiles
And
pleasantries exchanged
Between
people with
Christmas
in their hearts
Warm and heartfelt
wishes
Given gladly
without hesitation
One stranger
to another
GLASS DECORATIONS ON THE TREE
Glass Decorations on the tree
Candy canes of red and white
Tinsel
sparkles delightfully
And
reflects the coloured light
A garland
graces the mantel
With boughs
of fresh cut holly
Mistletoe
is hopefully hung
To steal a
kiss from Molly
LAST CHRISTMAS I GAVE YOU # 2
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart,
But I’m
sorry to say,
You really
Needed a
kidney
I WISH YOU GOOD LUCK
I wish you Good luck
I wish you
Good cheer
I wish you
Good health
For the
coming year
I wish you Good times,
I wish you great days
But I will
never ever
Wish you Happy
holidays
Wednesday, 21 December 2022
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 320
Mary had some little drawers
Which
always struck me dumb
Because like
her mother
She had a
massive bum
ARE YOU WEARING CHRISTMAS ANKLE SOCKS?
Are you wearing Christmas ankle socks?
I’ve often
pictured them on you
And you
don’t need anything else
Just
wearing the socks will do
CHRISTMAS DAY IN THE WORKHOUSE # 1
It’s Christmas day in the workhouse
Just
another grey day to endure
If we’re
lucky we’ll dine on mouse
And Oliver
will still be asking for more
UKIP ADVENT CALENDAR # 2
You can now buy a UKIP
Advent
calendar
I’ve never
seen one before
I don’t know
what message is inside
Because for
some reason
All you can
hear is a slamming door
LAST CHRISTMAS I GAVE YOU # 1
Last Christmas, I gave you a scarf
But the
very next week
You said
“it was so last year”
Bloody
cheek
DARLING I LOVE YOU
Each and every day
I say these
words to you
Darling I
love you
Then every
Christmas
I say these
words to you
Merry
Christmas Darling I love you
And every
New Year
I say these
words to you
Happy New
Year Darling I love you
And every
time I say it
You look at
me and say
Whatever
WARM MEMORIES OF THE HOLIDAY SEASON
Warm memories
Of the
holiday season
Moments of
joy‚
To be forever
treasured
Prayers of
peace
One day to be
answered
These are
the gifts
I wish for
us all
GRANMA JOY
I have happy memories to cherish
At my Grans
when I was a boy
Her heart was
so full of love
She filled the
house with joy
Garlands, Balloons,
and bells
Hung from
every beam and rafter
She made it
joyful for us all
The house
rang with her laughter
It was such
a joyous time
I wish I
could cross the years
To once
more see her smile
Just
thinking about her cheers
CRIMBLE LUST
I have a large bunch of mistletoe
And you are
on my Christmas list
But I will
carefully pick my moment
I don’t
want to do it when you’re pissed
Because
with my bunch of mistletoe
I want you to
know that you’ve been kissed
ITS NOT JUST PRESENTS
It’s not just presents
That must
be opened
As another
Christmas starts
As well as
all the gifts
We must try
to open
Closed
minds and hearts
THE GIFT I MOST WANTED
The gift I most wanted
Was the
sweetest girl
With a generous
heart
A smile to banish
darkness
And a warm
and tender soul
To make all
of my
Christmas
dreams come true
But it
wasn’t to be
Because I
ended up with you
Tuesday, 20 December 2022
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 319
Mary had a little bra
Which
wasn’t really fair
Because
like her mother
She had a massive
pair
ARE YOU WEARING CHRISTMAS SOCKS?
Are you wearing Christmas socks?
Beneath
your skirt it’s hard to see
And gives
me pause to think
How high
they go above the knee
TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS # 10
Twas the night before Christmas and Santa was pissed,
He was so
drunk in fact he couldn’t read the list
So, the
toys for the nice kids never left the north pole
And they
all ended up with a big piece of coal
A WINTER WONDERLAND
My bell rings, are you listening,
On your face, your lips are glistening,
A beautiful sight,
I’ll be happy tonight,
Rummaging
in your winter underwear
DECK THE HALLS WITH BOUGHS OF HOLLY
Deck the halls with boughs of holly,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
I’ll spend Christmas time with Molly
Fa la la la
la, la la la la.
It should be the season to be jolly
Fa-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la.
But I’ve just realized my folly
Fa-la-la,
la-la-la, la-la-la.
Stab me in
the heart with holly
Fa la la la la, la la la la
Dad has run away with Molly
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Stuff the turkey’s arse with holly
Fa-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la.
There’s no reason to be jolly,
Fa-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la.
UKIP ADVENT CALENDAR # 1
You can now buy a UKIP
Advent
calendar
I’ve never
seen one before
There are
no Christmas messages
It just says
Fuck off
Behind every
door
KEEP CHRISTMAS WELL
Keep Christmas well
Embrace its
spirit
Feel its
warmth and joy
Hold it in
your heart
And keep
its embers alight
Carry it
with you
From one
year to the next
So, it will
never end
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