ACURATELY DEFINING BIGAMY

 

Having one wife too many

Accurately defines bigamy

But having said that, in my case

So does monogamy

MY WIFE BOUGHT ME A QUILTED COAT

 

My wife bought me a quilted coat

Which I avoid wearing whenever I can

And that’s simply because it makes me

Look like a deflated Michelin man

I DISCOVERED MY FAVOURITE DUCK WAS SICK # 1

 

I discovered my favourite duck was sick

So I called for the local vet to attend

On arrival the Vet soon reassured me

And it was a simple Mallardy in the end

JULIUS CAESAR EMBARRASSED HIS FRIEND

 

Julius Caesar embarrassed his friend

Into sharing his sweets at the Senate

Then Brutus stood and watched as Caesar

And the Senators devoured every bit

So on the Ides of March, Brutus struck

With venom behind every blow and hit

And as he lay dying of his wounds

Caesar recognised the men who did it

“Et tu Brutei” he said but Brutus replied

“No you ate three you greedy git”

JAMES DEAN LIVED LIFE TO THE FULL

 

James Dean lived life to the full

Seldom taking the time to pause

But he didn’t believe in Santa

So he was a rebel without a Claus

COMPLETELY OUT OF THE BLUE

 

It came completely out of the blue

When my girlfriend broke up with me

Because I was addicted to pasta, she said

So at the moment I'm feeling cannelloni

INPROPPER JOKES

 

You can always spot when a risky joke is coming

Homophobic, Sexist, Racist or something bolder

And that’s because it begins, everytime without fail

With one or more glances over the tellers shoulder