APPARENTLY OWNING A DOG

 

Apparently owning a dog

Can take ten years off you

I now have four of them

But I still look sixty-two

CANDY CRUSH

 

He is a bit of a technophobe

If I have to tell the truth

So, he thinks Candy Crush

Is a stripper from his youth

SHE WAS MARRIED TO HIM

She was married to him

For three years, just over

And didn't know he drank

Until he came home sober

DIETING TIP # 3

 

I don’t know all the science involved

It’s something to do with gravity

But anything you consume while you

Are standing up contains no calories

THE DEVIL LANDED ON THE CHURCH ROOF

 

The devil landed on the church roof

The vicar said “Show him your cross”

So, the curate went outside and shouted

“Piss off you red horned piece of dross”

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 251

 

Mary had a little lamb

The sweetest lamb devised

But when all said and done

The midwife was surprised

ARE YOU WEARING A PITH HELMET

 

Are you wearing a pith helmet?

Oh, the great white hunter yet

But that’s just a pose you strike

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