AWKWARD TEENAGE MOMENTS

 

The stress of being a teenager

Do you remember?

Especially the instant arousals

Of the little member

The slightest thought

Of a sexual nature

Instantly breathed life

Into your little creature

Your heart starts pumping

And the blood surges

To feed the beast

On sexual urges

All of which

Was fine and dandy

Providing of course you had

Your girlfriend handy

Or some privacy

Then there was no issue

Providing of course you had

A supply of tissue

Not so helpful

If you’re out walking

Or with your granny

Sat small talking

In any place

That you couldn’t touch

That I’m afraid

I didn’t like much

Like on the bus

Or on the train

When a girl gets on

And oh no not again

DEATH AT SEA

 

I fight for my life

In the icy water

But fatigue overcomes me

And I succumb

To the welcoming waters

And as I slip beneath the waves

My life replays before me

Like an old home movie

And I think to my self

As my life ebbs away

Damn that was boring

FUMING WIFE

 

My wife was tragically overcome

By a very unsavoury hum

To which she did succumb

As a result of the deadly aroma

My wife of ten years, Oma

Now lies prone in a coma

But the main reason I’m so glum

Is that the offending noxious hum

Actually emanated from my bum

So, my dear wife alas and alack

Now lays motionless on her back

Because of her husband’s gas attack

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 54

 

Little Jack Horner sat in a corner

Eating his Christmas pie

He stuck in his thumb

After scratching his bum

Then offered to share his pie.

LOOSE MORALS #1

 

She was without her knickers at Twickers

There was a little thatch at Brans Hatch

There was a blushing fellow at Flushing Meadow

When she was legs akimbo in the limo

WALKERS BAGS OF TASTE # 2

 

Walkers’ crisps should be forced to comply

With trade description legislation

And stop disappointing their customers

With their artificial flavourization

 

When purchasing a bag of Walkers crisps

The connoisseur would think it a mistake

If he was unable to detect the distinct flavour

Of sweaty cagoule and Kendal mint cake

SEXUAL PREFERENCES # 2

 

I have a favourite type of girl,

Nothing wrong with that

I love my ladies ample

Like beautiful Fat pat

Also Porkus Dorcas

And Obese Louise,

Glandular Angela

Gives me a good squeeze

I love voluminous

I love them rounder

I love them full bodied

Because rounder is sounder