THE ANNUAL BIRTHDAY BBQ BASH 2010

 

Don’t the years go quick?

It’s another birthday BBQ

It’s that time of year again

When acquaintance is renewed

 

When family and friends

Come affably together

To eat a hearty meal outdoors

And sod the English weather

 

The beer and wine is chilled

The buffet has been prepared

The BBQ is well alight

No planning has been spared

 

So everything is set fair

Most of the guests are here

But never wanting to be the first

Ted and Rene are last to appear

 

So a brace of Ted’s, a pair of Paul’s

Tina and Becky, Rosemary and Rene

Not to forget Gordon and Wendy

Were all assembled at the scene

 

I should also mention the children

As they are part of the family

But we kept them locked away

And they were forgotten easily

 

We sat in the quiet shade

Beneath the big gazebo

Erected against the expected rain

That thankfully failed to show

 

At last, it’s time to eat

And excitement is running high

As everyone stood up

Tina poked Rosemary in the eye

 

And what did the assailant do

When seeing the result of this act

Was she humbly apologetic?

No, she laughed out loud in fact

 

Then suddenly a disaster occurred

Unrivalled at any previous year

And the nature of this calamity

We were running out of beer

 

So, a quick dash out in the car

To the “Happy Shopper” store

And hopefully unnoticed

Return to home once more

 

I returned and an eerie hush descended

Silencing the function

But nothing sinister occurred

It was simply quiet consumption

 

When the pudding plates were empty

And glasses were refreshed

The dishwasher could be heard

Washing away the mess

 

The afternoon passed nicely by

In comfortable affability

With moments of silliness

And not a small amount of frivolity

 

Tina with hand outstretched

With a ruby ring on her finger

Like the time of her engagement

“Oh, look see the light linger”

 

As usual on these occasions

The cat got all the attention

Not the birthday boy and BBQ chef

I just thought that I would mention

 

And when enough alcohol was drunk

Tea and coffee arrived instead

Not that anyone got smashed

Only a glass, and that was Ted

 

There were uninvited guests

Flies and wasps descended

But traps were set for the Jaspers

And one got decapitated

 

All too soon the time had come

For folk to wend their way

And fond farewells were said

Until we meet on another day

 

Then came the time to draw a breath

And reflect on the festivity

Then open another can of beer

And say happy birthday to ME

THANK YOU TINA

Thank you for all your effort

Your support and comfort

Thank you for all your baking

Your salads and bread making

Thank you for the salad tossing

Oh, and not forgetting the defrosting

Thank you for all the ways

You made it such a special day

 

Thank you for making it such a wonderful birthday

 

All my love Paul xxxxxxxxxxx

 

PS,

I will forgive your one mistake

i.e. The absence of a birthday cake 

ABBREVIATED IRONY

 

I have often thought it ironic

If not positively absurd

That the term, abbreviated

Is an eleven-letter word

DEFLATED

 

I used to rise at dawn

And marvel at my erection

Such a thing of beauty

So wonderful in its perfection

But those days are behind me

Its flaccid now upon inspection

And to raise it from its flaccidity

I must consume some blue confection

And thus perform a miracle rising

Akin to the resurrection

THE TOM TOM BLUES

 

I want to get a Tom Tom

Or any make of Satnav

But my lady wife won’t hear of it

Not all the time I have

Her to map read for me

And give me vague directions

Saying left instead of right

At all the intersections

But it’s always my fault

When we take another detour

Though it’s her not paying attention

I don’t want to do this anymore

For she doesn’t really map read

She only reads her women’s mag

But that’s what I’m stuck with

A fifty-year-old sat nag

WEDDING VOW

 

When to my wife I was wed

My father-in-law to me said

I will give you ten acres and a cow

I’ve waited for the land for 10 years now

AN ACT OF VANDALISM

 

Applying a tattoo

On a beautiful woman’s skin

Is something akin

To drawing a moustache

On the Mona Lisa

Or a Chad on the ceiling

Of the Sistine chapel

The only things that can enhance

A woman’s beauty

Is a smile about her lips

And a glow upon her cheek