IBS

 

“You have an irritable bowel”

My doctor told me today

It didn’t surprise me at all

It was inevitable in a way

Because I’m a very irritable man

Harsh but true I would say

So why should my bowel

Behave in any other way

MY CAT STORY

 

The teacher questioned Samuel about his homework

“I have just read your story entitled “my cat”

And it is almost exactly the same as your brothers

What do you have to say to that”?

“Well, I didn’t copy Joshua’s story miss” Samuel said

“It’s just that well, we have the same cat”

IF YOU ASK A STUPID QUESTION

 

Joshua was caught talking to a friend during assembly

“What do you call a person” asked the headmaster

“Who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested”? 

Joshua thought and to great applause he said “A teacher”   

THE MAN AINT GOT NO CULTURE

 

My friend reads cheap fiction

Consuming it like a vulture

But he’s not a stupid man

He simply has no culture

In fact, the closest he gets

To any form of cultural flirt

Would be when he partakes

In his favourite yogurt

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 36

 

Jack Sprat could eat no fat

His wife could eat no lean

And so, to please the two of them

They eat vegetarian cuisine

PUT DOWN # 35

 

Put downs work the best

For deflecting unwanted attention

But try to be amusing

As this relieves the tension

“If you’re looking for loving” he might say

“Then I’m definitely your man”

Just reply to him “Sorry, but after meeting you

I'm thinking of becoming a lesbian”

SENIOR COLUMN

 

I wake up in the morning

But don’t get out of bed

Until I’ve read the obit’s

And made sure that I’m not dead