I’ve just seen myself in the mirror
And it’s clear I need
to get thinner
But if I join a gym
they tell me
I will feel the
benefits immediately
Their fitness plan
like as not
Will take me from shot
to hot
From porker to corker
From chunk to hunk
From duff to buff
But in order for me to
see my toes
I just need to pay
them through the nose
So rather than try to
get thinner
I will just stop
looking in the mirror
We all think that when we were young
The sun shone for 23
hours a day
Not altogether true
But it seems that way
in hindsight
But things always look
better looking back
They were more
innocent times
More naïve times
There were things that
were not said
Or not discussed in
mixed company
Now anything goes
For example we didn’t
have to endure
Endless TV ads for
sanitary products and pantie liners
Thrush medicine or
haemorrhoid cream
Or women discussing
their bladder weakness or blocked bowels
Way back then we only
had the three TV channels,
Which was enough
And the network shut
down at 10.30
So we knew when to go
to bed
And there was no such
thing as daytime telly
The soap of the day
was “Coronation Street“
And from America
“Peyton Place”
For the kids “Noggin
the Nog”
“Mr. Pastry” or the
“Wombles”
“Captain Pugwash” with
seaman Stanes
And Roger the cabin
boy
Comedy like “Sykes”,
“The Good Life”
And “Morecambe and
Wise”
Sid and Hattie in the
“Carry Ons
Grass hopper in “Kung Fu”
“Land of the giants”,
“Blake’s Seven” and “Dr Who”
You could still watch
sport on terrestrial
With “Grandstand” on
the Beeb
And on ITV, Dickie
Davis with “World of sport”
Now we have hundreds
of channels
Showing the same
programs we used to watch on three channels
In the music world the
“Rolling Stones”
Were closer to puberty
than senility
Music came on vinyl
though we just called them records
The first record I
bought was “Good news week”
By Hedgehoppers
Anonymous
You could buy LP’s,
singles and audio cassettes
Even 8 track though
not very long lived
Petrol was only five
bob a gallon
While beer was just
10p a pint
Penny chews and sweets
in a jar
Oh for the time when
you could still get
Treats, opal fruits
and spangles
Back then gay still
meant happy
And everyone wore a
ticka ticka Timex on their wrist,
That you had to wind
up.
It was a time when we
all wanted to be in love
Like Celia Johnson and
Trevor Howard in “Brief Encounter”
And we didn’t think it
was corny when Bette said
“Gerry lets not ask
for the moon we already have the stars”
It was a time when we
all wanted to be suave and debonair
Just like Fred Astaire
And dance with panache
and savoir fare
Its not that I’m a cup
half empty kind of guy
But things do look
better looking back
At a time before
political correctness was invented
And you could laugh at
a joke and not worry
That someone you have
never met and probably will never meet
Might be offended by
it
Or more likely upset
someone who got offended on their behalf
Take me back to simpler
times
Christmas is coming, the Geese are getting fat
The bird is a little fatty but I don’t mind that
If you haven’t got a
Goose then a Turkey will do
Congratulations and felicitations
But don’t drink too
much at the celebration
As you may think you
can sit chatting
With the opposite sex without spitting
Put downs work the best
For deflecting
unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the
tension
“Your face must turn a
few heads”
May be one of his
attacks
So just reply to him
“Oh doctor, doctor
You must help me
I have been afflicted
Most horribly
I keep quoting
William Topaz
McGonagall”
The Doc replied
“We can’t help you at
all”
“Oh, doctor why
Can’t you treat me for
it”?
He replied
“Because this is the
burns unit”
When driving the byways
Travelling far and wide
Whether the lakes or the peaks
Or any of the countryside,
One thing that’s guaranteed
To frustrate the driving clan
And cause them to become irate
Is to get stuck behind a caravan
