I’M A BIT OF A CANNIBAL

 

I’m a bit of a Cannibal

But I’m going to stop

As you can’t buy a cadaver

Not even at Body Shop

Uncanny Tales – (40) The Emma Chambers Mystery

 

Emma Chambers was what we used to call a bottle blonde, she was also a three time divorcee and one time widow, and was the wrong side of fifty but she filled a sweater very well indeed and her bum was tailor made for tight jeans which I’m pleased to say she wore on a regular basis and she occupied them to maximum effect.

In addition to her assets she had the added attraction of when you got in close proximity of her, she smelt incredible.

It was Emma who was the reason that Mark and Sue Aldridge and the well filled sweater were at Clayton Manor Hotel for the murder mystery weekend in the first place, it was something that appealed very much too both the women though not so much to him.

Even if it was up Marks street, it was far too rich for his blood, which was why the merry widow stumped up the cash.

He and Sue had known Emma for some time and they often went on trips and outings together, it suited him very well as the women entertained each other, leaving him free to entertain himself, usually of the Golf course.

Also, on these outings he was often preoccupied with his ponderings over whether the contents of Emma’s sweater were real and what her natural hair colour was.

 

On the Saturday night Emma had too much to drink and had to retire early but Sue was enjoying the entertainment far too much and didn’t want to miss the conclusion to the mystery so it was left to Mark to help Emma to her room.

All weekend Mark had taken every opportunity to enjoy the view of her goodies as she had been wearing her customary jeans and a sweater but as he guided her along the corridor to her room on Saturday night she was wearing a dress and as he struggled with her through the fire doors there was every chance she might fall out of it.

He propped her up against the wall as he used her key card to open the door, once he got her through the door to the room however, she suddenly regained her senses and pounced on him, taking him completely by surprise and knocking him backwards onto the bed.

As he lay on the bed like an upturned turtle desperately trying to get back to his feet he looked up at her and she gave him a leery smile before jumping on the bed and straddling him.

“What’s going on?” Mark asked “you can’t do this”

“Stop complaining” Emma ordered “I’ve seen the way you look at me when you think nobodies looking”

And she planted a wet alcohol tasting kiss on his mouth which silenced his protests, and as her tongue poked and probed around his mouth, he grabbed her ample buttocks with both hands.

Emma took this action as a sign of submission, so she sat up and unzipped the back of her dress and let the front fall away.

 

By the time Mark left the room he knew the contents of her sweater were indeed all hers and that she was naturally brunette.

When he got back to the drawing room, he found Sue sitting and talking to one of the actors.

“Have you seen to her?” Sue asked

“Yes dear” He replied “you can consider her seen to”

“Thanks darling” she said and kissed his cheek. “You’re a good husband”

Uncanny Tales – (42) The Bar Steward

 

In the early eighties I worked behind the bar at a pub in Woking called the Surrey, however it was not named after the county in which it stood but rather the horse drawn carriage as featured in the musical “Oklahoma” namely “the Surrey with the fringe on top”.

The pub was built in the mid-sixties as a prefabricated temporary structure to service the fast expanding local area and was meant to be replaced by a permanent brick-built pub at a later date.

But more than sixty years later the prefab pub still stands in the same spot and is still in use as a pub.

The pub was a typical example of the period, and unlike today you had a wide range of bitters on offer and a small selection of lagers now of course it’s the other way round.

The youth of today take no time to develop the taste for good ales instead choosing something that’s merely cold and wet. 

Anyway as I said I worked behind the bar, I had been a regular there for a few years before Phil asked me if I wanted a job and I even played on the darts team for two seasons and was mentioned in the Woking News and Mail for best start and highest finish in a 7 – 1 thrashing of the Royal Oak.

It was an alright pub nothing special but alright and with the usual mix of heroes and villains, unremarkable's and unforgetable's, the good the bad and the ugly.

In the unforgettable category came two people of particular distinction firstly was Old Bob who was eighty three when I knew him who was an ex Coldstream Guard and a veteran of the Great War and a real character and secondly Ray Robinson another ex-army man though of younger vintage, Ray was an ex Grenadier turned social worker, incidentally the only social worker I didn’t want to slap, who every Christmas gave up his time to dress up as Santa and be flown by helicopter to various children’s homes, when there was still such a thing, delivering presents.

He would always raise at least one glass to the regiment, and he called his long-suffering wife his Duchess, but he was truly a good man who was sadly taken to young at the hands of cancer, a great loss.

Ray was the only person able to get anything resembling a proper smile out of Phil the landlord.

Phil and his wife Pat were an odd couple, they were like a pair of miscast actors in a soap opera and totally unsuited for the profession they found themselves in.

What prompted them to pursue a career in the pub trade we will never ever know but it was a bad move.

They had no concept of hospitality and an inability to foster even an ounce of goodwill from their customers and there was more than a hint of being inconvenienced when they had to stop what they were doing in order to serve someone.

They were indeed an unwelcoming pair but although Phil was not accustomed to smiling, his wife Pat wore an expression on her face that could stop traffic, but thankfully she kept away much of the time.   

On one Sunday I was working the lunchtime shift when Pat appeared from the back room, it was very rare to see her at all on a Sunday but putting in an appearance at lunch time was totally unheard of, but there she was.

A man put two glasses on the counter, one pint and a spirit, just as Pat stepped through the door and he called to her.

“Pint of lager and a vodka and lime”

Pat hadn’t seen the man put the glasses on the counter but picked up the pint glass that stood in front of him and asked.

“Is this the lager?”

“It’d look bloody stupid with a vodka and lime in it” he retorted

Pat put the glass down and turned round and went back upstairs.

It was an interesting job at times, and it had its perks, for instance I always hate New Year’s Eve, mainly because it’s such a pointless celebration that now seems to be another excuse to let off fireworks.

Also I hate it because if you stay at home there’s nothing on TV if you go out the pubs, clubs and restaurants are packed and all the organized parties end at 12.15, house parties never end but then house parties are pants unless you’re sixteen.

The best New Year’s Eve I ever spent was behind the bar at the Surrey, what a great night, plenty of room behind the bar, free entertainment, wages, and tips by the bucket load.

On the same Sunday that Pat had put in her brief appearance I was also working the evening shift which, due to heavy snowfall, was the quietest shift I ever worked, we only had three customers in all night, in fact Phil even went the other side of the bar to make up a foursome on the dart board.

At the end of the evening we sent off our three intrepid customers and locked up and after clearing away, which didn’t take long, I headed off myself, my car was buried at the wrong end of the car park so I decided to leave the car and walk, I could have got the car out if I’d wanted to but I like the snow and we don’t get much of it so I took the chance to walk home in it.

When I got to within a hundred yards of home, I needed to cross the road just after a junction, I looked up the road and there was a car heading in my direction but it was fifty yards away and as I was crossing after the junction and the car was already indicating left I deemed it safe to cross.

When I was halfway over, I noticed that although the car was indicating left and the front wheels were turning to the left the car was not in fact turning left, in fact it was coming straight for me.

I decided I would move quicker, but suddenly I was like a cartoon   character with my legs going like pistons and yet I was still in the same spot.

It was a surreal slow-motion moment with the car getting slowly closer and I could see the panic in the face of the driver and I was still not moving, but then simultaneously, the car suddenly veered violently to the left and it slewed round the corner and my feet at last gained some traction and I found myself on the pavement were I fell on my backside.

A few months after my near-death experience I gave up my job at the Surrey in order to run the Social Club bar where I had my day job, but I still frequented my local on my free evenings.

IN THE BBC NEWSROOM

 

In the BBC Newsroom

Just ahead of the action

The producer announces

“Lights Camera Fiction”

A NUMBER OF CHEMISTS WERE TAKEN ILL

 

A number of Chemists were taken ill

And try as we might we couldn’t Helium

And because we were unable to Curium

The only thing we could do was Barium

WHATEVER THE OUTCOME OF WAR

 

Whatever the outcome of war

It leaves many people bereft

And doesn’t prove who is right,

But it certainly proves who is left

WHEN I FIRST GOT INTO ATHLETICS

 

When I first got into athletics

A hurdle scared me a bit

But with dogged perseverance

I managed to get over it