Saturday, 19 June 2021

LIFES A BEACH

 

A man with neither arms nor legs

Sat on a blanket on the sand

Three women were walking past

And felt very sorry for the man.

The first woman asked

“Have you ever had a hug?”

The man replied “No,”

So before walking on she gave him a hug.

The second woman enquired

“Have you ever had a kiss?”

The man replied “No,”

So before walking on she gave him a kiss.

The third woman whispered in his ear

“Have you ever been fucked?”

The man looked amazed and said “No”

“You will be when the tide comes in, good luck”

ONE MAN AND HIS DOG

 

A man and his dog were walking along a lane.

Both enjoying the scenery and the terrain,

When suddenly a thought pooped into his

And he realized that he was actually dead.

He vaguely remembered his passing away

And that his dog had been dead many a day

He wondered then where the road was leading

In the distance along the way they were proceeding

He viewed a high white wall along the road side

It looked like fine marble and was many miles wide

It followed the lane up to the top of a long hill

He noticed a tall arch with a golden infill

That glowed in the sunlight bright and bold

When he got closer, he could see it was gold 

He thought it must lead to a great estate

Inside the golden arch was a magnificent gate

The gate was covered it the most lavish swirls

Made up of what appeared to mother-of-pearl

And the driveway that led up towards its splendour

Was lavishly paved with solid gold paviours

He and the dog walked quickly toward the gate

As he got closer, he saw a man through the grate

When he got closer he called out, “Excuse me”

And as he reached the gate he asked “where are we?” 

The man smiled and answered “This is Heaven, sir,” 

“Really that’s fantastic could I get a drink of water?”

“Of course, Come in I'll get some iced water for you”

The gate began to open “Can my dog come in, too?”

“I'm sorry but we don't allow pets.” The man said

“I won’t come in then we’ll try elsewhere instead”

He and his dog went back to the road and walked on

The road went up hill and was very very long

They came to a dirt road leading through a farm gate

This looked like it had never been closed of late

There were no fences surrounding the property

He saw a man reading a book leaning against a tree  

“Excuse me!” he called “Do you have any water?” 

“Of course, come on in there's a pump over there,” 

Gesturing to his dog he said, “How about my friend?”

“There should be a bowl by the pump for your friend” 

They went in and there was an old hand pump

With a bowl beside it for his four-legged chum

The traveler filled the water bowl for the dog

And took a long drink himself as he sat on a log

They drank their fill and walked back to the man

Who was standing by the gate where they began

The traveller asked “What do you call this place?”

“This is Heaven,” he answered a smile on his face

“Well, that's confusing,” the traveller said to the man

“Another man down the road said that was Heaven”

“Do you mean the place with the golden street,

The pearly gates and everywhere perfectly neat?”   

“Yes, that’s the very place” replied the traveller

“No that was hell, and the man was not Saint Peter” 

“Doesn't it make you really angry” the traveller said

When they use your name and people go there instead?”

“No, we're just happy they screen out the dross

Who’d leave their best friends and not feel the loss”  

LIVING WITH SUCH A SPOILED BRAT

 

Living with such a spoiled brat 

Is no fun I'll have to say that 

They sit around bitchin 

Ordering food from the kitchen 

And wonder why they're getting so fat

THAT’S BANANAS

 

Men are like Bananas

Oh yes they are

Because the older they get

The less firm they are


PEARL OF WISDOM

 

In my youth

The world was my oyster

Now in middle age

The world is my ulcer

ROSES ARE RED

 

Rose’s are red

Violet’s are blue

Daisy’s are white

Lily’s are too

 

Poppy’s are red

Iris’s are blue

Panzy’s are varied

Petunia’s are too

 

Ruby’s are red

Saphire’s are blue

Pearls are white

Jazmin’s are too

 

Marigold’s are orange

Hyacinth’s are blue

Holly’s  are scratchy

Heather’s are too

 

May’s are white

Fern’s are green

Ivy’s are variegated

And very often seen

 

Busy Lizzie’s

Colours are many

And Honeysuckle

Doesn’t wear any

MARRIAGE VIEWS

 

Men will say of matrimony

“Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free”

While women say of marriage

“Why buy the whole pig just to get a little sausage”