IT’S AMAZING GRACE

 

A mortician was working late one night

His job was to check that all was right

He examined the dead bodies unhurried

Before they went to be cremated or buried

As he examined Mr. Schwartz’s body

The mortician made an amazing discovery

It was when he stripped the body to clean

He had the longest penis he’d ever seen!

"Sorry, Mr. Schwartz", said the mortician

"But I cannot send that off for cremation

It simply has to be saved for posterity."

And so, he removed it with a little surgery

He stuffed the huge penis into his briefcase

And took it home to show his wife Grace

"I have something to show you my dear

Something that you won't believe I fear,"

And slowly he opened up his briefcase

“Oh god! Schwartz is dead!" screamed Grace

SO SUPERIOR # 7

 

I feel so superior

To foreign visitors

As I know where to stand

When riding escalators

I CAN’T BELIEVE THE SIZE OF MY WATER BILL

I can’t believe the size of my water bill

It’s really getting me down

According to Oxfam for £3 a month

I can supply a whole town

SEXY WEATHER

 

Here’s something you may already know

Sex is very much like snow

When you are in the clinches

You never know how many inches

You are going to get in elevation

Or how long it will last in duration

MANAGERIAL PHILOSOPHY

When in charge, ponder

When in trouble, delegate

When in doubt, mumble

When unsure, don’t hesitate

When at fault, finger point

Unless cornered procrastinate

EMOTIONAL WEDDING

 I was with my wife,

At a family wedding do

And I said unsolicited

“I really love you"

“Is that the beer talking?”

She said, “or you dear?”

I replied: “It was me

Talking to the beer”

SECRET INGREDIENT:

 

If your next pot of chili tastes better

Than it has in the past, ever

It’s because of something omitted

Rather than something added