Uncanny Tales – (002) Death in the Dulcets

It was a beautiful sunny summer afternoon in the equally beautiful Finchbottom Vale, though the occasion in the Dulcets was a sombre one after the funeral service for Clive Pavey at St Bede’s.

The Dulcets were a collection of villages and hamlets comprising of Dulcet Meadow, Dulcet St Mary, Dulcet Green and Dulcet-on-Brooke, to name but a few, and of course the location of the gloomy gathering, Dulcet-on-Willow which was a large sprawling village beside the gentle shallow River Willow, which ran unhurriedly from the Pepperstock Hills to the more vibrant River Brooke.

But it was on the terrace overlooking the gentle River Willow that Jamie Stirling saw Laura standing alone, bathed in the afternoon sun as she stared out into the distance.

Jamie was a thirty something solicitor and longstanding family friend of the Pavey’s.      

He walked up behind her and lightly stroked the back of her naked arm.

“Are you ok darling?” he asked

“No not really” she replied, and the tears immediately welled up in her already red eyes as she turned towards him, so he took her in his arms and she dissolved completely into tears.

“It’s ok darling” He whispered, “let it all go”

And as she sobbed uncontrollably into his chest Jamie kissed the top of her head and smiled smugly, he had always wanted her and now he had her in his arms and he intended to keep her there.

He held her close to him and stroked her back as she sobbed until the moment, she lifted her head and said

“I’m getting you all wet Jamie” 

“I don’t care” He replied, and she broke down again as he was holding in his arms the very beautiful woman he had not only lusted after for more than five years but who he had actually been in love with for four of those years.

He knew that she liked him too, but she liked his friend Clive more and he cursed the day he introduced them, because she fell head over heels for him and he for her.

As she sobbed her heart out and he consoled her with his empty words, all he could think of was how much he had always wanted her and that now, at long last, he was going to have her, after the death of his friend and her husband.

He made no excuses for what some might consider to be shameful thoughts as he held onto the grieving widow in her mourning clothes.

He would have continued to hold her had it not been for the sudden and unexpected arrival on the scene of Laura’s mother, who took her back inside to grieve more privately, she had never liked Jamie and had always been able to see through him.

He looked on as Mrs Shand led her daughter away in her widow’s weeds while offering her words of comfort and remained on the terrace for a few minutes after they disappeared from view and smiled, as he contemplated his next move, her mother may have given him a look as she led Laura away which said unequivocally

“You’re not having her”

But he was confident that he would soon make his move and Mrs Shand would do well not to interfere.

Because he had no doubt that he would succeed, as he would be there for Laura, over the coming weeks and months, and he would soon be in her heart and her bed.

There was a look in Laura’s eyes, as her mum lead her away when she looked back at him and weakly smiled that told him that, of course he would never succeed with her if she was ever to find out that he was responsible for her widowhood.

And should Mrs Shand attempt to interfere with his plans then there would soon be another funeral in Dulcet-on-Willow.

 

Uncanny Tales – (001) Honey Badger Wood

Downshire is a relatively small English county but like a pocket battleship it packs a lot in, a short but beautiful coastline, a channel port, the Ancient forests of Dancingdean and Pepperstock, the craggy ridges and manmade lakes of the Pepperstock Hills National Park, the rolling hills of the Downshire Downs, the beautiful Finchbottom Vale and farm land as far as the eye can see from the Trotwood’s and the Grace’s in the south to the home of the Downshire Light infantry, Nettlefield, and their affluent neighbour’s, Roespring and Tipton in the North but it’s in the largest Town in the county, Abbottsford, where our story begins, though that’s not where it ends.

 

Apart from being the largest conurbation in the County, Abbottsford is also the administrative center, the location for the Downshire Constabulary HQ and more relevant to the story, the Law Courts.

Marc and Sarah Hughes were both Lawyers and had their own practice in the town, and had a reputation for representing the more disreputable clients in the area, in fact the more infamous the better, because the worse the client was the more they would charge to represent them, and they lived well on the profits of their immoral business.

They were a childless couple and lived in a luxury Riverside apartment in Abbottsford.

Their status as being a double income couple with no kids, they considered to be a blessing as they could never have made room in their lives for something as needy as a child, they were far too selfish.

Both Marc and Sarah were both from well-heeled families and had been used to having money all their lives and everything else that wealth entailed, but neither of them possessed a moral compass or a conscience, and they were determined to ensure they continued in the same vein in both wealth and conscience.

The Hughes’s were all about the money and they didn’t care how they got it, and like many rich people once they got it they hung onto to it.

 

One day in June they finished at the Courts much earlier than anticipated, having got the case of attempted murder against a local gangster dismissed on a technicality.

They declined a celebratory lunch with their client because they liked his money but not the man or his entourage and certainly didn’t want to socialize with any of them.

 

The Lawyers were feeling very pleased with themselves at the early resolution of the case against their guilty client, not for him, they had no empathy for his kind of scum or indeed any sympathy for his victim, the Hughes’s were despicable people.

What Marc and Sarah were happy about, as a result of the early resolution, was that they had finished work for the day so they could take their brand new Canary Yellow Porsche 911 Carrera 4S Cabriolet out for a spin.

“Where shall we go?” Sarah asked

“How about somewhere out in the sticks where we can avoid the great unwashed hordes and have a picnic” he replied “just you me and the Porsche”

“Great idea, let’s go and frighten the country bumpkins” she retorted

 

Before they left Abbottsford they stopped at Labuschagne’s, the Supermarket for the obscenely wealthy and those with more money than sense and bought their picnic lunch before leaving for the country.

 

They drove south out of the city a headed towards the Trotwood’s and ten miles beyond Little Trotwood they arrived at the village of Black Acres and parked the car in front of a pub called The Witch Burners Arms.

“This will do, there’s bound to be somewhere close by where we can picnic” he said

“We can ask in here for directions”

“Ok but I’m not eating or drinking in this hovel” she replied snobbishly “and I’m not sitting on the furniture”

 

The landlord of the “Witch” was Bob Clement and as the outsiders walked through the door he smiled and said

“Good afternoon, what can I get you?”

“We‘re looking for somewhere to picnic” he said matter of factly as his wife looked down her nose at the regulars who viewed the outsiders as curiosities.

“Ah well I have a little map here” Bob said “which will help you, there are a good deal of wonderful walks, idyllic scenery and beautiful meadows and any number of picturesque picnic spots”

“Ok” Marc said and took the map from him without thanks and then turned to leave

“But don’t go anywhere near Honey Badger Wood” Bob added

“There’s nothing worth seeing in there”

 

Even if they hadn’t been ridiculously minted, being townies and having been born into the “entitled” generation, they were not going to be told where they could or could not go, especially by a country bumkin so they headed straight for Honey Badger Wood.

As soon as they saw the wood they were entranced, it was so beautiful.

“No wonder the yokels warned us off, it’s gorgeous” Sarah said “they obviously wanted to keep it to themselves”

They entered the wood and walked the woodland path that meandered its way in the dappled sunlight until they came upon a large open glade with the most wondrous flower meadow at its heart, full of wild flowers, whose sweet scent filled the air. 

“Well I think we have found the perfect place for our picnic” he said

“I agree” she said as they walked through the meadow grass until they reached the center where Sarah spread the picnic rug.

 

After they had feasted on quails eggs, game pie, smoked Salmon, Foie Gras, Caviar and Champagne, they lay back to digest their lunch and with the combination of Champagne, the warm June sunshine and the sweetly scented air they fell into a sleep from which they never awoke, because while they digested their picnic lunch the Carnivorous Meadow digested them.

 

The next morning Bob the landlord looked outside and saw the yellow Porsche still parked in the pub carpark so he picked up the phone and called Angel’s garage

“Angels Automotive” the voice answered

“Hi Terry” Bob said “Another pair of stupid townies failed to heed my warning about Honey Badger Wood”

“Not very bright of them” Terry said “So what did the leave at the pub?”

“A Canary Yellow Porsche 911 Carrera 4S Cabriolet” Bob replied

“Nice, that will keep the hospice going for another year on its own” Terry said “I’ll come and get it now”

 

No one in Black Acres profited personally from the sale of goods left behind, the proceeds did however support local establishments, like the Hospice and the Care Home and donations were made to other local good causes.

However it may have seemed to the casual observer that the inhabitants of Black Acres were a callous bunch in regards to the loss of human life but no one wasted any pity on the arrogant pair of townies because the Carnivorous Meadow in Honey Badger Wood fed only on corruption and had Marc or Sarah Hughes had even an ounce of goodness in them they would have survived.

But they didn’t, so as they slept the eternal sleep the meadow consumed every last cell of them.

 

A Little Bit Of Humour # 163

A VOYAGE ROUND MY FATHER (9)

Dad said “I’m going to Thailand
To an island called Phuket”
I replied to him "That will be nice,
But you don’t say it like that”

PANAMA HATS

Regarding which country makes
Panama hats, I was seriously misled
It turns out they’re not Panamanian
And are made in Ecuador instead

FIRST GRADE CADDY

His five-year-old nephew wanted
To caddy for him on his Golf round
“You have to count my strokes,
So, your counting has to be sound”
The Uncle explained, then asked
“How much is six, plus nine?”
“Five,” answered the nephew.
The Uncle said, “Ok that’s fine”

BE MY VALENTINE # 2

On Valentine’s Day
The chocolate syrup said to the ice cream
“I'm sweet on you!”
While the pencil said to the paper
“I dot my i's on you!”
And the light bulb asked his girlfriend
Do I mean a whole watt to you?”

COULD JESUS HAVE BEEN JEWISH?

Could Jesus have been Jewish?
It is the most likely eventuality
As He Did go into His Father's business
He lived at home until he was 33
He was sure his Mother was a virgin
And she was sure He was God, so maybe

PROVERBIAL PROVERBS # 2

The old saying goes that “A volunteer
Is worth Ten pressed men”
Well volunteers are all well and good
But a pressed man are really good
At getting through narrow gaps

MARITAL HONESTY

“It's just too hot to wear clothes today so I
Think I’ll cut the lawn naked, honey?”
She replied “Ok, if you don’t mind the neighbours
Thinking I married you for your money”

ROSES ARE FLOWERS

Roses are flowers
Violets are flowers
You’re allergic to flowers
Ooops my bad

NICKNAMED SNOW PLOUGH

When my brother was a young man
He had a well earned nickname
They called him the “snow plough”
Because of his appetite for cocaine

PEACHES SAID TO BIMBETTE

Peaches said to Bimbette
“I’ve slept with a Brazilian”
“OMG Peachy” she retorted
“How many is a Brazilian?”

MY WIFE IS A BAKER OF BREAD

My wife is a Baker of bread
And rolls both plain and seedy
She is a very difficult woman
And I find her to be very kneady

TEMPLE WALLS ARE STRAIGHT AND TALL

Temple walls are straight and tall
But my body is not like a temple at all
I have curves and am short in stature
I'm more like a disused rollercoaster

Oh Serena

OWN IT SERENA

It wasn’t sexist, and it wasn’t unfair
Nor was it racist Serena, let’s be fair
The truth is you threw a huge tantrum
Because you knew your day was done

MASSIVE OVEREACTION

Portraying Serena as an angry black woman
In the Herald Sun wasn’t racist in anyway
As she was Angry, and she is a black woman
And it was a caricature at the end of the day

A CARICATURE OF A RESPONSE

To exaggerate characteristics
For humorous effect is how
A Caricature is intended
It’s ironic the reaction to it
By Rowling and the like
Has also been exaggerated

A Little Bit Of Humour # 162

A VOYAGE ROUND MY FATHER (8)

Dad said “I’m going to Thailand"
I replied to him "To Bangkok?"
He thought for a moment, then said
"Oh no I certainly hope not”

THE HUNDRED YEARS WAR

Called the Hundred Years War
I was understandably misled
Because the war really lasted
A hundred and sixteen instead

BE MY VALENTINE # 1

On Valentine’s Day
The valentine card said to the stamp
Stick with me and we'll go places!
While the farmer gave his wife
Hogs and kisses!
And the caveman gave his wife
Ughs and kisses!

PROVERBIAL PROVERBS # 1

The old saying goes that “A volunteer
Is worth Ten pressed men”
Well volunteers are all well and good
But a pressed man looks really sharp

MY BROTHER IS A PESSIMIST # 2

My brother is a pessimist
With all his nay-saying
And a glass half full guy
With his catastrophising

I’M A VERY COURAGEOUS GOLFER

I’m a very courageous Golfer,
At least in my view
Because it takes a lot of balls
To Golf the way, I do

COULD JESUS HAVE BEEN BLACK?

Could Jesus have been Black?
Maybe, its true he liked Gospel
He called everyone brother
And He didn't get a fair trial

MARITAL RELATIONS

A post argument couple
Drove down a country lane
For quite a few miles,
Choosing not to speak again
Until they drove past a farm
When he said, “Relatives of yours?”
Referring to the pigs in a field
“Oh yes,” she replied, “in-laws”

MY GREAT UNCLE IS A SCIENTIST

My Great Uncle is a scientist
As well as a keen horticulturist
Which is quite evident to see
As he’s growing a chemistree

CWTCH

There is a general misunderstanding
That a cuddle is the same everywhere
Well allow me to clear up the muddle
Anyone can indeed hug, that’s true
But only the Welsh can cwtch, and
They’re so much better than a cuddle

IS IT PANCAKE DAY ALREADY?

Is it Pancake Day
Already? Oh dear
It’s really crêped up
On me this year

THEY HAD A ROCK AND ROLL NIGHT

They had a rock and roll night
At the care home, all very droll
It was a quite sedentary evening
And was more like Crock and Roll

Another Love Collection

VALENTINES # 1

Lover you still do it for me,
You are still my object of desire
Your qualities are plain to see
And you still light my fire

WIND BLOWN PETALS

Like wind-blown petals
Of spring blossom
The snow fell in gentle swirls
Quickly settling
On the frozen landscape
To delight the boys and girls
Then I kissed a snowflake
Off her wrinkled nose
As more settled on her curls

THE GREATEST LOVE OF ALL WAS OURS

The greatest love of all was ours
I felt I could reach up and touch the stars
As my love was return by my sweetheart
And I knew we would never be apart

VALENTINES # 2

Lover you still do it for me,
With that wiggle when you walk
Your qualities are plain to see
And you still pop my cork

FROM A BOY TO A MAN

I knew I had grown
From a boy to a man
When playing in the snow
With boisterous mates
Held less attraction
Than making snow angels
With a pretty girl

THE BROKEN-HEARTED LONELY GIRL

“There’s a perfect mate for me
Somewhere in the world” she’d say
Having been let down by love
And she was a lonely girl
In between bouts of desperate love
That left her in a whirl
Until she is all consumed and is again
The broken-hearted lonely girl

PERFECT IMPERFECT LOVE

It was a perfect love,
But a secret love,
And it was also tainted,
By deceit and betrayal
Sneaking away for
Illicit rendezvous
In the dead of night
To lay with their lover
Til the break of day,
But neither were free
So that was not perfect
And they knew it was wrong
But they couldn’t stop
For that perfect love
Made them feel so alive
They had found their life’s love
And though they knew
Their love was doomed
And tears would be cried
And hearts broken
They held on to their
Perfect imperfect love
Until the bitter end

VALENTINES # 3

Lover you still do it for me,
Though you now have a fuller figure
Your qualities are plain to see
And you still pull my trigger

IT WAS A CLUMSY COMING TOGETHER

It was a clumsy coming together,
Not a very auspicious start
But no harm done, except to dignity,
As they prized themselves apart
And when they first looked
At their dishevelled counterpart
They liked what they saw
And had left a smile on the others heart

UNDER A BITTER SKY

Beneath the marbled skies
Of broken, fractured cloud
And the myriad of winter hues
Coloured with grays and blues
I waited in the bitter frosty air
Feeling the sting of winters bite
Until the moment I saw you
And warmed instantly by the view

VALENTINES # 4

Lover you still do it for me,
To me you’re lamb and not mutton
Your qualities are plain to see
And you still push my button

IT HAD HAPPENED ONE SUMMER NIGHT

We met at the beach party
On the wide ocean shore
And we danced by moonlight,
As the sea breeze caressed us
It was a magical night
The rapture of the music,
Feeling enraptured by you.
But as special as it was
Dancing with you
On that moonlit beach
It paled to insignificance
Compared to walking
Hand in hand with you
The next day in the sun

HE WAS GOING ON A BLIND DATE

He was going on a blind date
And was in a very nervous state
About meeting someone new
And was not sure what to do
What if he was out classed?
What if she left him aghast?

He panicked when he saw her
Because she was even lovelier
He found after he arrived there
She began talking about a Polar Bear
And she rambled on more and more
Which she eventually apologized for
And laughed at his reaction
And explained the reason for her action
Stating they were converse makers
As Polar Bears were real ice breakers

VALENTINES # 5

Lover you still do it for me,
I’m as ever under your spell
Your qualities are plain to see
And you still ring my bell

ON THE HILL TOP SHE CHOSE TO HIDE

On the hill top she chose to hide
In the home where her parents reside,
Whereas I live down the hillside,
Where my brother and his wife abide.
But though the gulf between us was wide
I still planned to make her my bride

THE DAY I SAID GOODBYE TO HER

The day I said goodbye to her,
Replays constantly in my mind
And it’s a familiar memory
Of the most destressing kind
I have tried to move on but I left
The love of my life behind

VALENTINES # 6

You fill my thoughts before I sleep
And you’re there again when I awake
I have given my heart without regret
I gave it to you for my hearts sake
I have found an all-embracing love
If I lost you my heart would break

FALLING IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE

Falling in love with someone
Can be a blessing and a curse
But when love is reciprocated
It is a prize beyond worth

VALENTINES # 7

Lover, you still do it for me,
Though you are no longer a dolly chick
Your qualities are plain to see
You still scratch my itch and flick my switch

BEYOND QUANTIFYABLE MEASURE

When someone you love
Beyond quantifiable measure
Becomes a memory,
That memory becomes a treasure

WHEN SOMEONE FALLS IN LOVE WITH YOU

When someone falls in love with you
And you with them it is a precious gift
Making every day like Valentine’s Day
Because the gift of love gives you a lift

I MET A LADY THAT LIT MY FIRE

I met a lady that lit my fire
Dressed in beautiful attire
Who I did instantly admire,
And whose heart I did desire,
But knew I would ever acquire

LOVE TIPS THE SCALE

Life is a question of balance
And love tips the scales
Some give a false accounting
But a steady love never fails

VALENTINES # 8

Since entering my life, a symphony plays
When before was only monotone
And colour now lives in every plane and facet
Where once was only monochrome

A Little Bit Of Humour # 161

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 395

Saturday's child
Works hard for its living,
(So clearly not a benefit scrounger)

ARE YOU WEARING RED? # 2

Are you wearing red?
To signify the party you’re in
Well done, congratulations
You made a decision Mr Corbyn

THE MOST DEPRESSING THING ABOUT TENNIS

The most depressing thing about Tennis
Is that no matter how well I hit the ball
And how much time I spend practising,
I'm never going to be as good as the wall

MY WIFE AND I ALWAYS COMPROMISE

My wife and I always compromise
That’s the secret to being happy
Our compromise is, that I admit
I'm wrong and she agrees with me

ONE DAY A COMPUTER

One day a computer
Actually beat me at chess,
I didn’t take it well,
I was a total mess
So we had a rematch
To go tit for tat
But he was no match for me
With a baseball bat

TIMES ARE BAD AND GETTING WORSE

Times are bad and getting worse
And I’m shocked at the severity
As the light at the end of the tunnel
Has been turned off due to austerity

EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON

Everything happens for a reason,
Is the generally accepted view
Unfortunately you must admit
That sometimes the reason is you

BLACK WIDOW SPIDERS KILL THEIR MALES

Black Widow spiders kill their males
After mating, before the afterglow starts
And the reason for that is quite simple
It’s to stop the snoring before it starts

EYES BIGGER THAN MY BELLY

Eyes bigger than my belly
Especially for cake and jelly
My appetite no one could stifle
After I got an eye full of trifle

I HAD A “GRUMPY OLD MAN” MUG

I had a “grumpy old man” mug
And my grandchildren got it
But I turned into a “Grumpy old man”
When I accidentally smashed it

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 396

The child that's born on the Sabbath day
Is bonny and blithe, and good and gay
(my wife is Sundays child, so I would have to dissagree)

ARE YOU WEARING SHAMROCK?

Are you wearing shamrock?
And Patrick is patron saint, but why?
Did he drive the snakes out of Ireland?
Or did he just have a great PR guy?

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 386

Harlequin ladybird, fly away home
Your kind are not welcome here
So get your Harlequin spotted arse
Back to where you belong in Asia

ARE YOU WEARING CLAM DIGGERS?

Are you wearing clam diggers?
How very beachcomber of you
However inappropriate, given
The fact seafood makes you spew

ROSENCRANTZ AND GUILDENSTERN # 5

Rosencrantz and Guildenstern
Contrary to the rumour, are not dead
But are doing an Elizabethan tribute act
At the Edinburgh Fringe instead