A Little Bit Of Humour # 140

FAIRY TALE’S RESPUN # 15

The true nature of fairy tales
Are for the devotee, a heartbreaker
Because the tales were sanitized
Such as the Elves and the Hoe maker

I WENT INTO HOSPITAL FOR MINOR SURGERY # 10

I went into hospital for minor surgery
The whole surgical team acted like comedians
As I was going under I heard the surgeon say
“Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!”

ARE YOU WEARING BUBBLE WRAP?

Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Well that is a novel form of dress
But if I were to start popping the bubbles
Would that cause you any distress?

I DON’T WALK WITH THE CROWD

I don’t walk with the crowd and
I’m not the usual Microwave user
I like to stop it at one second
Just to feel like a bomb de-fuser.

THE SECRET TO A HAPPY MARRIED LIFE # 2

The secret to a happy married life
Is that good things needn’t be hurried
So be engaged for at least six months
Before the two of you get married

I DON’T MIND YOU NOT BEING GLAMMED UP

I don’t mind you not being glammed up
But a gent’s tweed suit is not your normal attire
Is there any reason for your change of style?
Is the masculine look some form of satire?

THE BEST EASTER ACTOR OF ALL TIME # 3

I saw Arnie eating a chocolate egg
So I said “I know what your favourite
Christian festival is” and he said
“You have to love Easter, baby”

THE GRIM REAPER CAME FOR ME LAST NIGHT

The Grim Reaper came for me last night
And I could barely catch my breath
But I beat him away with a vacuum cleaner
And was really Dyson with death.

AN UMBRELLA WAS LIKE A PANCAKE

Granddad always said, an umbrella was like
A pancake, but I didn’t know what he meant?
I only found out many years later that it was
Because they were seldom seen after lent

WHEN HIS FOOD ARRIVED

When his food arrived
He saw something distressing
“There’s a button in my salad”
The waiter said, messing
“That's all right, sir,
It's just part of the dressing”

True Nature # 8

THE FIERCE WINTER GALES

The fierce winter gales
Howl all through the night
Whipping up the seas
And turning wave tops white
The poor souls at sea
On the dark winter night
In the teeth of the tempest
Feel it’s savage bite
And pray to their gods
To save them from their plight
As the gale blows through
On the dark winter night

IN THE DEWY WINTER MEADOW

In the dewy winter meadow
I watch the dawn’s first rays
Beginning to evaporate the mist
In the majesty of winter days

A CAVE

A cave, in the face of the cliff
Like a mouth, wild and mad,
Snarling like a demon
Across the barren land
From where a wind blew
Into the cavernous mouth
and howled like a Ghost
Calling out in despair

AN OAK

An Oak, tall as a cathedral spire
Cast a mighty shadow
As the setting of the sun
Turns the western sky to fire

True Nature # 7

THE FIERCE SUMMER GALES

The fierce summer gales
Howl all through the night
Whipping up the seas
And turning wave tops white
The poor souls at sea
On the dark summer night
In the teeth of the tempest
Feel it’s savage bite
And pray to their gods
To save them from their plight
As the gale blows through
On the dark summer night

IN THE DEWY SUMMER MEADOW

In the dewy summer meadow
I watch the dawn’s first rays
Beginning to evaporate the mist
In the majesty of summer days

BENEATH AZURE BLUE SKIES

Beneath azure blue skies
Beside a silent pool
A bird sings in the stillness
Its sweet song drifting
On the lemon scented breeze
As evening approached

WATERY WORLD

In a river, barely worthy of the name,
Where the gentle water trickles back
Towards a greater watery world,
Lives the humble little stickleback

A Little Bit Of Humour # 139

FAIRY TALE’S RESPUN # 14

Puss in Boots isn’t all he appears
And you will be shocked to your roots
He is more flamboyant in private
And is often Puss in Latex Boots

I WENT INTO HOSPITAL FOR MINOR SURGERY # 9

I went into hospital for minor surgery
Afterwards in recovery I heard “oh fuck it!,
“Someone call the janitorial services
We're going to need a mop and bucket!”

THE HAGGIS

Haggis is made from sheep's offal
Oatmeal, suet, seasoning and onions
Stuffed inside of a sheep stomach
Which has to be one of Heston’s creations

THE SECRET TO A HAPPY MARRIED LIFE # 1

The secret to a happy married life
Is that you should simply remember
That to keep on the good side of your wife
Silence is sometimes the best answer

ARE YOU WEARING A BRANDY KEG?

Are you wearing a brandy keg?
Is obviously the question that I beg?
I obviously hope the answer is yes
If it’s no, I’m hallucinating I guess

FAT TUESDAY

Pancake Day is known as Fat Tuesday
And is the last day before the Lenten season
It was a feast day and it was the practise of
Them stuffing their faces that is the reason

A HOLIDAY DECEPTION # 1

I pretend to be someone I’m not
Just to receive something sweet
Which could be for Halloween
Or for a Valentine’s Day treat

SO IF THEY PUT REAL LEMONS

So if they put real lemons
In the washing up liquid
Does that mean that they
Put real fairies in fairy liquid

GRETEL DIDN’T GO TO THE WOODS

Gretel didn’t go to the woods
Looking for a house of gingerbread
When she walked along with Hansel
She was looking for a muffin instead

I WENT TO A LECTURE ON TYRE TECHNOLOGY

I went to a lecture on tyre technology
But during the lecture from hell
The lecturer told a joke about a puncture
Which I thought went down well

A Little Bit Of Humour # 138

FAIRY TALE’S RESPUN # 13

It wasn’t a pea in her bed that kept her awake
It was something of a very different genus
The reason for her exhaustion each morning
Was as a result of the Princess and a penis

I WENT INTO HOSPITAL FOR MINOR SURGERY # 8

I went into hospital for minor surgery
And the anaesthetist was a bit of a bore
He said “Oops! Does anyone know if a patient
Has ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?”

WHEN WE WERE KIDS IN THE AUTUMN

When we were kids in the autumn
My brother would hide from view
Beneath a pile of fresh fallen leaves
But hey that was Russell for you

MY GIRLFRIEND WORKS IN A CHINESE KITCHEN

My girlfriend works in a Chinese kitchen
And the sauces she must skilfully render
Which is quite ironic really when you hear
The way the chef pronounces Brenda

WE COULD SEE A GROUP OF HIPPIES

We could see a group of hippies drowning
I said “we should try to save them if we can”
My wife was thoughtful for a moment before
She replied “No I think they’re too far out man”

AN ELDERLY FEMALE DRIVER WAS SEEN BY POLICE

An elderly female driver was seen by police
Driving on the motorway very dangerously
She was knitting a jumper while at the wheel
The police told her to Pullover immediately

APPARENTLY ONE IN THREE KIDS # 2

Apparently one in three kids
Are conceived in an IKEA bed
But thankfully two out of three
Wait until they get home instead

TEENAGERS ARE LIKE CAVEMEN

Teenagers are like Cavemen
With their inappropriate rubbing
Personal hygiene, table manners
And their penchant for clubbing

A WORLD RENOWNED SCIENTIST

A world renowned scientist
Decided that he would utilize
A beautiful knocker on his door
And he won the No Bell prize

WHEN THEY ARE STEPPED ON

When they are stepped on
Their behaviour is quite benign
The Grapes never say a word
But they do give a little whine

A Little Bit Of Humour # 137

FAIRY TALE’S RESPUN # 12

Hansel and Gretel’s little trips
Were very stimulating for Hansel
Because once deep in the woods
He got a hand job from Gretel

I WENT INTO HOSPITAL FOR MINOR SURGERY # 7

I went into hospital for minor surgery
Afterwards in recovery I heard an exchange
Of converse between the attending clinicians
“What do you mean, he wasn't in for a sex change?”

THE YOUNG CALLOW MAN DID TRULY PINE

The young callow man did truly pine
And hoped someone would introduce
Him to the rich lumberman's daughter
So he made sure he looked spruce

THE MOST OBEDIENT INANIMATE OBJECTS

The most obedient inanimate objects
Are Bells, if I may make so bold
And the reason for that is They make
A noise whenever they are tolled

THERE IS A PARTICULAR HERB

There is a particular herb
That by reason and rhyme
Is most injurious to a lady's
beauty and that is Thyme

I WAS TOLD SOMETHING INTERESTING

I was told something interesting
By the RSPCA Man
He said Dogs can’t have an MRI
But explained that CatsCan

AUTOMATED CONCEIT

The guy was so conceited that when
He stood in the cubicle with nothing on
And his automatic shower came to life
He thought his nakedness had turned it on

I PLUG IN MY IPHONE CHARGER

I plug in my iPhone charger
To give the battery a boost
Just to top it up to maximum
With what I call Apple Juice

MY WIFE SAYS I CAN’T MULTITASK

My wife says I can’t multitask
But she is in error it seems to me
As I can waste time, be unproductive,
And procrastinate simultaneously

I WENT TO THE UKRAINE

I went to the Ukraine
With my girlfriend Bev
And I ate a Chicken Kiev
With my chick in Kiev

A Little Bit Of Humour # 136

FAIRY TALE’S RESPUN # 11

Hansel and Gretel’s little trips
Were always exceedingly fruitful
Because once deep in the woods
They became Handsy and Grateful

I WENT INTO HOSPITAL FOR MINOR SURGERY # 6

I went into hospital for minor surgery
And the anaesthetist thought he was funny
When the nurse dropped a scalpel he said
“Sterile, shcmerile. the floor's clean, really”

THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A CAMERA

The difference between a camera
And a bad case of influenza
Is that one makes facsimiles
And the other makes sick families

I WILL DIFFERENTIATE BETWEEN

I will differentiate between, if I can,
A tube and a foolish Dutchman
Ah yes, one is a hollow cylinder
And the other is a silly Hollander

THE GREATEST SHAKESPEARIAN VILLAIN

The greatest Shakespearian villain,
Who would make a demon scowl,
Was Macbeth the chicken-killer,
Because he did murder most foul

MY SISTER ELLEN

My sister Ellen
Married beneath her
But then she is
Six feet tall to be fare

JOHN IS A VERY UNLUCKY LOVER

John is a very unlucky lover
Unlike James, his twin brother
As John always misses the kisses
While James kisses the misses

AVOID DATING PRETTY MEN, NO MATTER

Avoid dating pretty men, no matter
How much they illuminate the gloom
Because the pretty men are all like
Cheap fireworks, they go off too soon

A YOUNG MAN STOLE A KISS FROM HER LIPS

A young man stole a kiss from her lips
And to his surprise she didn’t have a fit
Instead she smiled and said to him
“Just put that back from where you took it”

POULTRY FARMERS WHO KEEP

Poultry farmers who keep
Battery chickens are fiends
Because they earn their
Immoral living by fowl means