A Little Bit Of Humour # 99

WHINGING BRITS ABROAD # 2

We went on holiday to Spain
The taxi drivers were a nightmare
All of them were Spanish
Now how can that be fair?

WHINGING HOLIDAY MAKERS # 2

We had a terrible holiday
It was ruined by drunken pests
Our tour operator should have
Warned us of noisy unruly guests

ARE YOU WEARING EAU DE COLOGNE?

Are you wearing eau de Cologne?
Well something smells wrong
I don’t think it’s the real deal
Like it was bottled in Hong Kong?

ALTHOUGH I’M CLEARLY NOT A GIRL

Although I’m clearly not a girl I do
Understand the concept of a trainer bra
But if there are similar aims with trainer socks
Then I don’t know what they are

MY NEXT DOOR NEIGHBOUR IS FAT AND BALD

My next door neighbour is fat and bald
And just sits around all day
He’s looks like the Buddha, but without
The enlightenment I’d say

I TOLD MY DAD THAT I HAD JOB TEMPING

I told my dad that I had job temping
Which sent him quite dolalli
“Fifteen years of education” he raged
“To work at a bowling alley”

ECCEDENTESIAST DESCRIBES SOMEONE

Eccedentesiast describes someone
Who hide their pain behind a smile
Football supporters are like that
Especially if you support Carlisle

MY MUSIC TASTES ARE QUITE ECLECTIC

My music tastes are quite eclectic
So in almost any genre I easily fit
From classical to electro swing
But rap music is an oxymoron isn’t it?

THE DEFINITION OF OXYMORON

The definition of oxymoron
Well that should be a breeze
I’ll give you a clue, it’s not
A person too stupid to breathe

APPLE ARE BUILDING A NEW HQ

Apple are building a new HQ
Its secret design, nobody knows
But one thing we know for sure
The office won’t have windows

A Little Bit Of Humour # 98

WHINGING BRITS ABROAD # 1

We went on holiday to Goa in India
We won’t go back in a hurry
I was disgusted to find that almost
Every restaurant served curry

WHINGING HOLIDAY MAKERS # 1

We went on a self-catering
Luxury break in Bognor
But the fully equipped kitchen
Didn’t have an egg separator

ARE YOU WEARING YOUR BIRTHDAY CLOTHES? # 1

Are you wearing your birthday clothes?
Well if I might be so bold
Don’t just sit there
Or you might catch cold

YOLO IS AN ACRONYM

YOLO is an acronym for
“You only live once” which is nice
Unless of course you’re James Bond
Then “you only live twice”

ARE YOU WEARING EAU DE TOILETTE?

Are you wearing eau de toilette?
Well it’s starting to make me gag
It also reminds me of something
Oh I know it’s a tarts handbag

APPLE ARE DESIGNING A HOUSE

Apple are designing a house
But the one thing nobody knows
Is whether or not the iHome
Is going to have Windows

GROUNDHOG DAY 2015

I heard that Punxsutawney Phil had last year
Bitten the towns Mayor's on the ear
It spoilt the photo opportunity alright
I wonder if that would be a sound bite?

GREECE’S FINANCIAL CRISIS HAS NOW DEEPENED

Greece’s financial crisis has now deepened
Causing a deep and widespread depression
Humus and Taramasalata sales have been banned
Which has now caused a double dip recession

MY WIFE IS A SEX OBJECT

My wife is a sex object
Though I still have respect
But whenever I ask for sex,
She will always object

ACCORDING TO A POLL

Women’s silk Panties are Not
The best thing on earth,
According to a poll they are
Next to the best thing on earth

Easter Tales 2015

ARE YOU WEARING AN EASTER TOP?

Are you wearing an Easter Top?
Well I very much like what I see
Because there isn’t very much of it
And the contents are bursting free

YOU CAN LIKEN IT TO RUDOLF

Why does the Easter Bunny
Have such a shiny nose?
You can liken it to Rudolf
The thing actually glows
Well the answer is obvious
And I don’t mean to offend
But it’s because his powder puff
Is stuck to his rear end

ARE YOU WEARING AN EASTER DRESS?

Are you wearing an Easter Dress?
The big yellow ribbon is really pleasant
I’m itching to pull at that bow
So I can unwrap my Easter present

LET’S GET THIS STRAIGHT ONCE AND FOR ALL # 1

Let’s get this straight once and for all
Easter does not commemorate the time
When Jesus hid eggs in the gardens
Of Gethsemane for the disciples to find

ARE YOU WEARING AN EASTER HAT?

Are you wearing an Easter Hat?
Well more accurately it’s a bonnet
It sits so perfectly on your head
And you’re as pretty as a sonnet

THE BEST EASTER ACTOR OF ALL TIME # 1

The best Easter actor of all time
Is something of an acting hero
And there can only be one winner
And that would be Rabbit De Niro

ARE YOU WEARING EASTER CHICKS?

Are you wearing Easter chicks?
They’re precious little honeys
But I have to be honest
I much prefer your bunnies

THE ONLY WAY THE EASTER BUNNY # 1

The only way the Easter Bunny
Can paint all of the eggs in time for Easter
Is to hire some of Santa's elves
During the slow season as casual labour

ARE YOU WEARING AN EASTER SWEATER?

Are you wearing an Easter sweater?
It’s one of the hand knitted ones
Though I’m not a fan of novelty knitwear
I can ogle your hot crossed buns

THE BEST EASTER ACTOR OF ALL TIME # 2

The best Easter actor of all time
Is something of an acting Ophelia
And there can only be one winner
And that would be Bunnie Bedelia

ARE YOU WEARING EASTER ANKLE SOCKS?

Are you wearing Easter ankle socks?
Well they’re right on the money
They’re perfect for the Easter Parade
And you look as cute as a bunny

EASTER MEANING

Easter bunny
In his furry suit
Baby Chickens
Soft and cute
Easter cards
Of greeting
Sing praise at the
Sunday meeting
And remember
The meaning of Easter

It’s the chocolate eggs
It’s a no brainer

ARE YOU WEARING AN EASTER JUMPER?

Are you wearing an Easter Jumper?
Well its contents look rather bumper
But you really don’t need a bigger size
It fits them perfectly if I may apprise

THE ONLY WAY THE EASTER BUNNY # 2

The only way the Easter Bunny
Can decorate eggs in time for Easter
Is to paint them all, otherwise
They would have to use wallpaper

ARE YOU WEARING AN EASTER CARDIGAN?

Are you wearing an Easter Cardigan?
Or perhaps I should ask you why?
It’s a gloriously sunny day
And there’s not a cloud in the sky

LET’S GET THIS STRAIGHT ONCE AND FOR ALL # 2

Let’s get this straight once and for all
Easter Day does not commemorate
The a day in the gardens Of Gethsemane
When Jesus turned rabbits into chocolate

ARE YOU WEARING EASTER EARRINGS?

Are you wearing Easter earrings?
To mark the most holy of days
With the simplicity of the cross
It is the most symbolic of ways

WHAT CAME FIRST, THE CHICKEN OR THE EGG?

What came first, the chicken or the egg?
It’s a question as old as money
And the answer to it is quite obvious
It was in fact neither, it was the Easter Bunny

DURING THE EASTER HOLIDAY

During the Easter holiday
From coast to coast
What do you call a stuffed animal?
We call it a turkey roast

THE BEST EASTER ACTOR OF ALL TIME # 3

The best Easter actor of all time
Well maybe not but bear with me
So for this exercise he’s the winner
And Cluck Norris that would be

SO WHICH CAME FIRST

So which came first
What do you reckon?
The chocolate egg
Or the chocolate chicken

A Mixed Bag Of Verse # 2

I AM A LOVER OF PUCCINI

I am a lover of Puccini
And his music is so powerful
That the meaning of the words
Are almost immaterial

WE ALL NEED A PLACE TO BE ALONE

We all need a place to be alone
Somewhere to find serenity
A place for some “me” time
It could be in the mountains
Or down beside the sea
Or even sitting in the garden
Enjoying a cup of tea

IT ISN’T AU REVOIR

It isn’t au revoir
It’s not auf wiedersehen
Nor is it arrivederci
You will not appear again
Dignitas is simply
Goodbye to pain

THE GIRL IN THE PEONY RED

I noticed her immediately
As I entered the bar
The girl in the Peony red
And playing about her lips
There was an acquiescent smile
Which was aimed my way
But I didn’t return it
And let it pass me by
She wasn’t my type after all
I’m quite fussy that way
But I did cast a glance
In the general direction
Of the eager entourage of
Drooling men surrounding her
Feeding off her raw sexuality
And as I watched the mermaid
Surrounded by a pack of sharks
I realized that I had misread
The smile she sent my way
It wasn’t my company she sort
But my help she desired
She looked like a movie starlet
Cornered by the paparazzi
So I rescued the damsel
And since that day
We have been best friends

OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO STRONG

Our friendship is so strong
It will never come apart,
Because the bonds of friendship
Come straight from the heart

IT PROVIDES FAR MORE PROBLEMS

It provides far more problems
Than any solutions it brings
For communism doesn't work
As people like to own things


PARLIAMENT ENACT THE LAWS

Parliament enact the Laws
To legislate our behaviour
Police officers patrol the streets
To enforce the law
Then the court system shows us
The error of our ways
Well that’s the theory anyway
Politicians call the tunes
And the police cherry pick
The laws that they enforce
And the crown prosecution service
Take only the cases they can win
Or that make them look good
And all three elements
Play to the media

SAMHAIN

Samhain, on November 1st
Is one of the four
Gaelic seasonal festivals
Samhain marks
The beginning of winter,
The End of the harvest season,
And the end of autumn
Celebrated with feasting,
Guising and mumming
And the lighting of bonfires

DRAGONS PERFORM AEROBATICS

Dragons perform aerobatics
In the azure sky
Griffons are asked to join in
But won’t even try
Dodo’s dance a perfect
Flightless jig
The bald eagle appears
Wearing a wig
Mermaids do aqua ballet
On a flat sea of glass
Unicorns canter through
Scented meadow grass
That’s the end of my
Nonsense I fear
If you want anymore
Try Edward Lear

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MUM

Happy birthday mum
See, we did remember
Because you are so dear
Just like every year

We will never forget
We just wish and wish
You were still here
Just like every year

So we wish you
A happy birthday
And wipe away a tear
Just like every year
Mary Evelyn Curtis 20/1/1921 – 29/3/1993

A Mixed Bag Of Verse # 1

BELTANE

Beltane, on May 1st
Is one of the four
Gaelic seasonal festivals
Beltane marks
The beginning of summer
And the end spring.
Celebrated with feasting,
The decorating of homes
With May flowers,
Visiting the holy wells
And the lighting of bonfires

MALEVOLENCE

It isn’t the Prophet,
Playing on their fears
Nor is it God whispering
Poison in their ears
It isn’t even the cowardly
Old men with bitter breath
That pollute young minds
To be bringers of death
It’s a more ancient evil
Spreading hatreds spoors
That turn young souls
Into satanic warriors

MY SHADOW WATCHES ME AS I WORK

My shadow watches me as I work
And I am thankful for its easy company
Because it means I’m in the sunshine
And it is a constant reminder to me

ON HER CHARIOT DRAWN BY GRIFFINS

On her chariot drawn by griffins
The maiden goddess, dispensing justice
With rod, scales, sword and scourge
The avenger of crime, Nemesis

SHARE YOUR KNOWLEDGE AND YOUR WISDOM

Share your knowledge and your wisdom
While you’re here because in reality
Short of committing mass murder
It's the only way to achieve an immortality

THERE WAS SOMETHING REMARKABLE

There was something remarkable
A special quality beyond belief
Something dangerous and daring
With the dark-haired slip of mischief

LUGHNASADH

Lughnasadh, on August 1st
Is one of the four
Gaelic seasonal festivals
Lughnasadh marks
The beginning of autumn,
The harvest season,
And the end summer
Celebrated with feasting,
Fairs and athletic contests
And the offering of First Fruits

IF LIFE IS GETTING YOU DOWN

If life is getting you down
And depressing you increasingly
Take all of your troubles
And toss them into the sea,
You don’t have to do it for real
Just do it metaphorically
But a trip to the beach
Will help you miraculously

OLD

Old man’s withered fingers,
On a gnarled arthritic hand,
Grip the knotted handle
Of his twisted wooden cane
And in his leathered face
Is etched deep the pain
Of a life lived long
And his aged countenance
Each wrinkle tells the tale

CLASSICAL MUSIC MOVES ME

Classical music moves me
I’ve loved it from an early age
And although I can’t comprehend
The dots on the page
The music that they reveal
Is understood in any language

Walking With the Living God # 1

WE GIVE OUR PRAISE WITHOUT CONDITION

We give our praise without condition
Given freely to the Lord on high
We sing it to the highest heaven
Our hands held reaching to the sky

THE FATHER IS WITH US EVERY MOMENT

The father is with us every moment
Of every hour both day and night
Over every continent and island
He keeps us in His wondrous light

PATRON SAINT OF WINCHESTER CATHEDRAL

Anglo-Saxon St Swithun
Was Bishop of Winchester
From his consecration
Until his death.
A century later
Dunstan and Æthelwold
Adopted him as patron
Of the restored church
Of Winchester
His body was transferred
From almost complete obscurity
To Æthelwold's new basilica
After which his posthumous miracles occurred
The Winchester egg-woman
And Queen Emma's ordeal

Feast Day 15th July

ST SWITHUN'S DAY

If it rains on the Day of St Swithun
It will not stop for forty days
If it is dry on the Day of St Swithun
Then follows fair for forty days

IF THE WEATHER IS FARE

If the weather is fare
On St Swithun’s day
Then for forty days
You should make hay

LOVE OF GOD

Our God above loves us
So we worship and adore him
His love sustains us all

SENT FROM ON HIGH

Sent from on high
So heavenly demure
A soul of purest light
An angel so pure
To take your hand
When it’s time
And comfort you
On you heavenly climb

A HEART OF PERFECT LOVE

A heart of perfect love
Love being the leaven
To help you Ascend
To the highest Heaven

IF ON ST SWITHUN’S DAY

If on St Swithun’s day
It does heartily rain
Go home and for forty days
Don’t come out again

IN HYMNS AND PSALMS REJOICING

In hymns and psalms rejoicing
We praise our Lord on high
Our praise to heaven ascended
And we lift our voices to the sky

VOICES IN PRAYER ARE NEVER SILENT

Voices in prayer are never silent
As we pray to our Lord on high
Our prayers to heaven ascended
And we lift our eyes to the sky

THE SOURCE OF SPECIAL LOVE

God has always been
The source of special love
A perfect loving faith
That fits me like a glove

THERE IS A SIGN OF HOPE

Everything is not
Wrong in the world
There is a sign of hope
God is our inspiration
And our Guiding light

SUCKED INTO THE DARKNESS

Sucked into the darkness,
Plunged into the abyss
Life pronounced extinct
Ashes to ashes
Dust to dust
Yet in the darkness
Stood a figure
With lily-white wings
Smiling in Silence
And led him to the light
To a life eternal

ST SWITHIN AND QUEEN EMMA'S ORDEAL

Before the Norman Conquests
Princess Emma of Normandy
Became Queen Emma of England
Wife to King Æthelred the Unready
And then to Canute the Great of Denmark
She was falsely accused of adultery
But the night before her ordeal by fire
As she slept in Wargrave uneasily
Saint Swithun appeared in a dream
To tell her she would be set free




ST MARTIN OF TOURS

Started out as a Roman soldier
But was baptized as an adult
And then became a monk
It is understood that he was a kind man
Who led a quiet and simple life
The most famous legend of his life,
Was when he was still a soldier,
It is the story about the time
That he cut his cloak in half
To share with a beggar
To protect him during a snowstorm,
Which saved the beggars life
That same night he dreamed that Jesus
Was wearing the half-cloak
Martin heard Jesus say to the angels,
"Here is Martin, the Roman soldier
Who is not baptised; he has clothed me"

THE FEAST OF ST MARTIN OF TOURS

St. Martin's Day,
Or the Feast of St. Martin,
Martinstag, Martinmas
Or Martin le Miséricordieux
The Feast of St Martin of Tours,
Is a time for feasting celebrations
On November the 11th
When the autumn wheat fields
Were sown for the following year
And the annual slaughter
Of well fattened cattle
To produce "Martinmas beef"
And it was also the time
When hiring fairs were held
Where farm unemployed labourer’s
Could find new work

Feast Day November 11th

ST SWITHIN AND THE WINCHESTER EGG WOMAN

An old lady's eggs had been smashed
On the new stone bridge by workmen
Swithin picked the broken eggs up and
They miraculously became whole again

Tales of Love # 20

IF I HAD ONLY KNOWN # 1

If I had only known
It would be the last time
I'd see you fall asleep
I would have stayed
A little longer and
Lingered at your bedside
Holding your hand
As you slipped
Silently away
To be at peace

AS STREAKS OF GOLD APPEAR IN THE WESTERN SKY

As streaks of gold appear in the western sky
I look into her hypnotic green eyes and sigh
With her in my arms and romance in my heart,
As the sunset glowed, I vowed we’d never part

THE SLIGHTEST TWINKLE

The slightest twinkle
Was evident
In her shining eyes
The hint of a smile
Played about her lips
And her mouth
Went up at the corners
Almost unperceptively
Her whole countenance
Held in that moment
On the brink
And as the words
Left my lips
The status quo
Was swept away
As the delight
Spread across her face
And my question
Was answered
In the affirmative

WHO’S STORY OF LOVE

Who’s story of love
Is written in the stars
Is it the Greeks of old?
Or could it be ours?

HER FATHER DRANK BLACK BITTER COFFEE

Her father drank black bitter coffee
Her mother sipped earl grey tea
As I stood before her parents
I was full of fear and anxiety

It was a very daunting experience
And it was not at all as I planned
I was there for a noble purpose
To ask for their daughters hand

As the object of my attentions
Sat demurely drinking her juice
Her father started choking
And mother turned strangely puce

We left the house hand in hand
Running head long from the pair
They had both forbad consent
But the lovers really didn’t care

So they went to the Savoy Hotel
And ordered chilled Chardonnay
which came in crystal goblets
Carried on a large silver tray

They sat in luxury surroundings
Until the bottle was empty
And their hearts were full of love
And their future was full of plenty

IF I HAD ONLY KNOWN # 2

If I had only known
It would be the last time
I would see you
Walk out the door
I would have
Called you back
And hugged and kissed
You even more

MY STRAWBERRY BLONDE

My strawberry blonde
Always topped my list
With Alabaster skin,
Apple blossom kissed
Smooth and silken soft
Just as I had wished
But that was long ago
Now she is sadly missed

WE HAVE LIVED OUR LIVES TOGETHER

We have lived our lives together
And we have reached our Novembers
The once burning fires of our lives
Have been reduced to meagre embers
And yet we can still look forward
To us both sharing our Decembers

I MISS YOU ALL THE TIME

I miss you all the time
You were my shining sun
And there is an emptiness
But when all said and done
There’s nothing lonelier
Than dinner for one

THE SUN AND MOON

The sun and moon
Where once in love
But the sun burned hot
With want and desire
While the moon
Was cool and aloof
So they were destined
To be Star-crossed
For all eternity

IF I HAD ONLY KNOWN # 3

If I had only known
It would be the last time
That I would ever see you
I would have stayed
A moment longer
And lingered at your bedside
As I said goodbye
And told you once again
How much I loved you

MESMERISING CHARMS

Mesmerising charms
Led me to her arms
A loving place
So why should I run?

Love in my heart
I want to share
But I hold back
And I want to run

Fear is the key,
A deep fear in me
Of being hurt
So I want to run

I need the key
To unlock the chains
That bind my heart
So I won’t run

I LOOK BACK FONDLY

I look back fondly
To those early days
When we would sit together
On the winter evenings
Beside the roaring fire
And we would sit and talk
Laughing and chatting
In the orange glow
Late into the evening
Until the embers cooled

ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE FENCE

The grass is always greener
And the senses were keener
So I committed a misdemeanour

And when away she flew
To her green pastures new
My foolish heart was torn in two