BLONDE HUMOUR

STAY, STAY, STAY

Conscious of the danger to an animal
Being left inside a parked car
A woman opened the car window
So her puppy could get some air
But the little pup saw the open window
As a route to escape the car
And the woman had to stop
Before she had got very far
She stood and pointed at the dog
Firmly saying stay, stay, stay
A woman of the blonde persuasion
Was watching her from some distance away
But she had to keep repeating it
Until she felt it safe to go
The blonde woman shouted to her
“You can use the hand brake you know”

DOWN BY THE RIVERSIDE

Bimbette was out for a stroll by the river
And was enjoying the walk in the countryside
When she saw Peaches on the opposite bank
“Hi Peachy how do I get to the other side?”
Peaches looked at her with a puzzled expression
“You’re already there silly” she replied

TRANSPORT HUMOUR

OUT OF SERVICE

There was a ship rotting in a naval dock
I asked a man if he knew its history
He said it was a Minesweeper once
I didn’t press him but it seemed to me
For a ship to be a Minesweeper once
Was not really a unique ability

ROAD HOGS

Some drivers are so selfish
And some are arrogant with it
It seems that when they buy a car
They think the road comes with it

A WING AND A PRAYER

If the wings travel faster than the fuselage,
And you are in a helicopter, that’s ok
However if you are in any other aircraft
It’s probably a very good time to pray

ROAD RAGE # 2

I hate driving
I hate what it does to me
I strive to be better
And behave courteously

But the second
The car door slams
I feel myself change
Into a different man

I lose my communication skills
Speaking in gestures
Or coded messages on the horn
That don’t relieve the pressure

Driving makes me intolerant
Impatient and aggressive
It makes me angry
Selfish and abusive

I hate driving
I hate what it does to me
It fills me with rage
For every thing I see

SPORTING HUMOUR

HUNTIN’ SHOOTIN’ AND TIPPIN’

There was a craze not long ago
A kind of country pursuit
A sport known as cow tipping
Perpetrated by callow youth

Now due to the recession
There is a new craze to report
A rural epidemic, fly tipping
It’s popular but not much of a sport

SCUBA TECHNIQUE

Have you ever wondered why it is?
When sitting on the edge of the boat
Scuba divers always fall backwards
When entering the water, well take note
It’s because if they were to fall forwards
They would go face first into the boat

BRITISH BULLDOG

Diego Maradonna
He of the infamous
Hand of God
Has been savaged
By his new pet
The hound of God

PUNNING

FRANKLY MY DEAR

What would a fish say?
If it swam into a concrete wall?
Well it would probably say “dam”
If it said anything at all

BAGGAGE REGULATIONS

A vulture boarded
A jumbo jet
Carrying two dead
Marmoset

The stewardess said
"I'm sorry sir,
Only one carrion Per passenger"

DAVY JONES DISCO

If you go to a seafood disco
For a tango and a tussle
Don’t complain about bad luck
If you only pull a muscle

RAMBLING

I met a guy from the ramblers today
I think his name was John
He was a harmless bloke I suppose
But he just went on and on
TODAY I SAW TWO BANKERS

Today I saw two bankers
Two pin stripe suited wankers
I watched from where I was sitting
As they walked into a building
However what’s puzzling me a bit
Is why didn’t one of the see it

DOPEY BROTHER

My brother has a really bad habit
He smokes pot to excess you see
When he needs more from his dealer
He picks up the phone and hits the hash key

LUVVAGE

My pencil case is in love
But not with a pencil
But with two schoolbags
It must be bi-satchel.

HEALTHY HUMOUR

A HEALTHY LIFESTYLE

A balanced diet
Is what is planned
Which invariably
Means I understand
Something healthy
Something bland

A healthy lifestyle
Is what is planned
So a balanced diet
If I might expand
Does not involve
A pie in each hand
THE BUDDHIST AT THE DENTIST

The Buddhist monk
Following dental examination
Refused an injection
For his required dental extrication
Instead he chose to
Transcend dental medication
DOCTOR IN MOTION

“Doctor I have chronic diarrhoea
And I think it’s hereditary”
“Nonsense man I can assure you
Diarrhoea is not hereditary,
And no matter how chronic it is
It’s not as bad as it seems”
“But doctor I know it’s hereditary
Because it’s in my jeans”

WHAT CAN I EAT?

I don’t want Swine flu
So no more pork for me
I don’t want Bird flu
So no chicken fricassee
I don’t want mad cow disease
So no more Beef for me
I don’t want Salmonella
So no dippy eggs for tea
With mercury in the water
I will no longer eat fish
There is pollution in the air
So I’ll eat no bird related dish
I cannot eat any type of fruit
Because of insecticides
And all vegetables are out
Because of the herbicides
So I am at a loss now
To know what I can eat
There is of course chocolate
But then what would be my treat?

PHILOSOPHICAL HUMOUR

WHERE DO YOU STAND?

Just standing in a palace doesn’t make you a Tsar
Any more than standing in a garage makes you a car
It doesn’t make you a cook if you stand in a kitchen
So just going to church doesn't make you a Christian

PHILOSOPHICAL FACT

Everyone is entitles to their own opinion
I have no argument with that
But I would very strongly make the point
They cannot have their own facts

PHYSICS QUESTIONS

Physicists pose important questions
Beneath the Swiss mountain slopes
With their large Hadron collider
And when for the answers they grope
Is the tool that measures their success
Going to be called a collider scope?

CLEAN SWEEP

A clean desk is the sign
Of a sick mind
A clean house is the sign
Of a wasted life
A clean mind is….
Just unnatural

SEX AND RELATIONSHIPS

LOVE OF THE SEA

Oh my love how you remind me of the sea
Not for being amazing, powerful and dramatic
No, you remind me of the sea my darling
Because when I’m close to you I feel sick

MULTITASKING MAIDENS

Women are supposedly very good at multitasking
Men are not, which allegedly is our biggest crime
But if women are truly capable of multitasking
Why can’t they have a headache and sex at the same time?
BINGO, BANGO, BONGO

I will call up my Dolly
To be alone would be folly
Perhaps I’ll call Holly
But should I call Polly
Or little miss Molly
To call all might be a folly
But an interesting volley
What a prospect by golly

WHIRLWIND ROMANCE

A woman is like a hurricane
Whether your partner or your spouse
When she comes she’s hot and wet
When she leaves she takes half the house

WOW YOU SMELL GREAT!

“Wow you smell great! what do you have on”?
The young woman asked in her opening gambit
“Well honey” He replied “I actually have a hard on
But I had no idea at all that you could smell it”

SHEEPISH

A man walked into his bedroom
Where his wife was preparing for sleep
And stood in the doorway
Holding a leash attached to a sheep
“Sweetheart when you have a headache
This is the cow I make love to”
The wife looked at him with utter contempt
Then took his silence as her cue
Saying ”If you weren't such a numbskull,
You’d know that's not a cow it’s a yew
He replied "If you weren't so conceited
You’d realise I wasn’t talking to you”

BREATHE THROUGH IT

A young woman had a panic attack
A side effect of British Railways
My wife and I went to her aid
But I struggled to avert my gaze
From her heaving chesticles
“Big breaths” my wife instructed her
I was still staring at her puppies, said
“No, but beautifully pert would be fare”

SHE WHO MUST BE

When first we met I thought of her
She who must be an angel
When we were married she became
She who must be obeyed
Now we are divorced she has become
She who must be despised

LIQUID TO SOLID

Liquid Viagra will become
The ultimate cocktail I think
And be popular with the group
In need of a stiff drink

TAKE A CLOSER LOOK

You don’t need expensive binoculars
They’re a waste of money you know
Instead of bringing the object nearer
Stand closer to her bedroom window

DRINKING FROM THE UGLY POND

Alcohol was originally invented
So ugly people could have sex too
Because viewed thru beer goggles
Everyone looks beautiful to you
It also serves to add some variety
To the beautiful peoples gene pool

FRIENDSHIP DEFINED

The definition of a real friend
Is someone who would never let a girlfriend
Drink to such excess that they will try
To have sex with a very ugly guy

WORKPLACE WOES

9 out of 10 women
At my company
Accused me of sexual harassment
And are suing me
And I’m being sued for discrimination
By plain Jane my 10th employee

PLAYING DRESS UP

To surprise her husband and add some spice
She dressed in tight black leather Basque
Six-inch stilettos heels, black stockings
Black garter belt and a leather mask
When he walked through the door he said
“Oi Batman what’s for dinner may I ask”?

BEACH ETIQUETTE

A naked man sunbathing at the beach
In order to preserve his dignity
And protect it from the sun
Placed his hat over his thingamy

A passing woman smiled and said
“A gentleman would lift his hat for a lady”
He replied “If you get your kit off
Madam it will raise itself, maybe”

DRIVING RAIN

Wipers swish
Expelling the rain drops
Heater whirls
Expelling heat to clear the mist
Headlights burn
Expelling darkness and fear
It’s a dirty night
But the doggers will be here

A STIFF DRINK

Viagra may soon be available in liquid form,
And will assist the flaccid when it’s done
By making it possible for a man to perform
By literally pouring himself a stiff one

IN THE COLD LIGHT OF DAY

If you are the sort of woman who believes
Life is too short to dance with ugly men
Then you almost certainly believe
It’s too short to have sex with them
Just remember that when you get drunk
There are no ugly men to offend you
And I bet you’ve never bedded an ugly man
But I’m sure you’ve woken up with a few