OUT OF SERVICE
There was a ship rotting in a naval dock
I asked a man if he knew its history
He said it was a Minesweeper once
I didn’t press him but it seemed to me
For a ship to be a Minesweeper once
Was not really a unique ability
ROAD HOGS
Some drivers are so selfish
And some are arrogant with it
It seems that when they buy a car
They think the road comes with it
A WING AND A PRAYER
If the wings travel faster than the fuselage,
And you are in a helicopter, that’s ok
However if you are in any other aircraft
It’s probably a very good time to pray
ROAD RAGE # 2
I hate driving
I hate what it does to me
I strive to be better
And behave courteously
But the second
The car door slams
I feel myself change
Into a different man
I lose my communication skills
Speaking in gestures
Or coded messages on the horn
That don’t relieve the pressure
Driving makes me intolerant
Impatient and aggressive
It makes me angry
Selfish and abusive
I hate driving
I hate what it does to me
It fills me with rage
For every thing I see
Wednesday, 28 April 2010
SPORTING HUMOUR
HUNTIN’ SHOOTIN’ AND TIPPIN’
There was a craze not long ago
A kind of country pursuit
A sport known as cow tipping
Perpetrated by callow youth
Now due to the recession
There is a new craze to report
A rural epidemic, fly tipping
It’s popular but not much of a sport
SCUBA TECHNIQUE
Have you ever wondered why it is?
When sitting on the edge of the boat
Scuba divers always fall backwards
When entering the water, well take note
It’s because if they were to fall forwards
They would go face first into the boat
BRITISH BULLDOG
Diego Maradonna
He of the infamous
Hand of God
Has been savaged
By his new pet
The hound of God
There was a craze not long ago
A kind of country pursuit
A sport known as cow tipping
Perpetrated by callow youth
Now due to the recession
There is a new craze to report
A rural epidemic, fly tipping
It’s popular but not much of a sport
SCUBA TECHNIQUE
Have you ever wondered why it is?
When sitting on the edge of the boat
Scuba divers always fall backwards
When entering the water, well take note
It’s because if they were to fall forwards
They would go face first into the boat
BRITISH BULLDOG
Diego Maradonna
He of the infamous
Hand of God
Has been savaged
By his new pet
The hound of God
PUNNING
FRANKLY MY DEAR
What would a fish say?
If it swam into a concrete wall?
Well it would probably say “dam”
If it said anything at all
BAGGAGE REGULATIONS
A vulture boarded
A jumbo jet
Carrying two dead
Marmoset
The stewardess said
"I'm sorry sir,
Only one carrion Per passenger"
DAVY JONES DISCO
If you go to a seafood disco
For a tango and a tussle
Don’t complain about bad luck
If you only pull a muscle
RAMBLING
I met a guy from the ramblers today
I think his name was John
He was a harmless bloke I suppose
But he just went on and on
TODAY I SAW TWO BANKERS
Today I saw two bankers
Two pin stripe suited wankers
I watched from where I was sitting
As they walked into a building
However what’s puzzling me a bit
Is why didn’t one of the see it
DOPEY BROTHER
My brother has a really bad habit
He smokes pot to excess you see
When he needs more from his dealer
He picks up the phone and hits the hash key
LUVVAGE
My pencil case is in love
But not with a pencil
But with two schoolbags
It must be bi-satchel.
What would a fish say?
If it swam into a concrete wall?
Well it would probably say “dam”
If it said anything at all
BAGGAGE REGULATIONS
A vulture boarded
A jumbo jet
Carrying two dead
Marmoset
The stewardess said
"I'm sorry sir,
Only one carrion Per passenger"
DAVY JONES DISCO
If you go to a seafood disco
For a tango and a tussle
Don’t complain about bad luck
If you only pull a muscle
RAMBLING
I met a guy from the ramblers today
I think his name was John
He was a harmless bloke I suppose
But he just went on and on
TODAY I SAW TWO BANKERS
Today I saw two bankers
Two pin stripe suited wankers
I watched from where I was sitting
As they walked into a building
However what’s puzzling me a bit
Is why didn’t one of the see it
DOPEY BROTHER
My brother has a really bad habit
He smokes pot to excess you see
When he needs more from his dealer
He picks up the phone and hits the hash key
LUVVAGE
My pencil case is in love
But not with a pencil
But with two schoolbags
It must be bi-satchel.
HEALTHY HUMOUR
A HEALTHY LIFESTYLE
A balanced diet
Is what is planned
Which invariably
Means I understand
Something healthy
Something bland
A healthy lifestyle
Is what is planned
So a balanced diet
If I might expand
Does not involve
A pie in each hand
THE BUDDHIST AT THE DENTIST
The Buddhist monk
Following dental examination
Refused an injection
For his required dental extrication
Instead he chose to
Transcend dental medication
DOCTOR IN MOTION
“Doctor I have chronic diarrhoea
And I think it’s hereditary”
“Nonsense man I can assure you
Diarrhoea is not hereditary,
And no matter how chronic it is
It’s not as bad as it seems”
“But doctor I know it’s hereditary
Because it’s in my jeans”
WHAT CAN I EAT?
I don’t want Swine flu
So no more pork for me
I don’t want Bird flu
So no chicken fricassee
I don’t want mad cow disease
So no more Beef for me
I don’t want Salmonella
So no dippy eggs for tea
With mercury in the water
I will no longer eat fish
There is pollution in the air
So I’ll eat no bird related dish
I cannot eat any type of fruit
Because of insecticides
And all vegetables are out
Because of the herbicides
So I am at a loss now
To know what I can eat
There is of course chocolate
But then what would be my treat?
A balanced diet
Is what is planned
Which invariably
Means I understand
Something healthy
Something bland
A healthy lifestyle
Is what is planned
So a balanced diet
If I might expand
Does not involve
A pie in each hand
THE BUDDHIST AT THE DENTIST
The Buddhist monk
Following dental examination
Refused an injection
For his required dental extrication
Instead he chose to
Transcend dental medication
DOCTOR IN MOTION
“Doctor I have chronic diarrhoea
And I think it’s hereditary”
“Nonsense man I can assure you
Diarrhoea is not hereditary,
And no matter how chronic it is
It’s not as bad as it seems”
“But doctor I know it’s hereditary
Because it’s in my jeans”
WHAT CAN I EAT?
I don’t want Swine flu
So no more pork for me
I don’t want Bird flu
So no chicken fricassee
I don’t want mad cow disease
So no more Beef for me
I don’t want Salmonella
So no dippy eggs for tea
With mercury in the water
I will no longer eat fish
There is pollution in the air
So I’ll eat no bird related dish
I cannot eat any type of fruit
Because of insecticides
And all vegetables are out
Because of the herbicides
So I am at a loss now
To know what I can eat
There is of course chocolate
But then what would be my treat?
PHILOSOPHICAL HUMOUR
WHERE DO YOU STAND?
Just standing in a palace doesn’t make you a Tsar
Any more than standing in a garage makes you a car
It doesn’t make you a cook if you stand in a kitchen
So just going to church doesn't make you a Christian
PHILOSOPHICAL FACT
Everyone is entitles to their own opinion
I have no argument with that
But I would very strongly make the point
They cannot have their own facts
PHYSICS QUESTIONS
Physicists pose important questions
Beneath the Swiss mountain slopes
With their large Hadron collider
And when for the answers they grope
Is the tool that measures their success
Going to be called a collider scope?
CLEAN SWEEP
A clean desk is the sign
Of a sick mind
A clean house is the sign
Of a wasted life
A clean mind is….
Just unnatural
Just standing in a palace doesn’t make you a Tsar
Any more than standing in a garage makes you a car
It doesn’t make you a cook if you stand in a kitchen
So just going to church doesn't make you a Christian
PHILOSOPHICAL FACT
Everyone is entitles to their own opinion
I have no argument with that
But I would very strongly make the point
They cannot have their own facts
PHYSICS QUESTIONS
Physicists pose important questions
Beneath the Swiss mountain slopes
With their large Hadron collider
And when for the answers they grope
Is the tool that measures their success
Going to be called a collider scope?
CLEAN SWEEP
A clean desk is the sign
Of a sick mind
A clean house is the sign
Of a wasted life
A clean mind is….
Just unnatural
SEX AND RELATIONSHIPS
LOVE OF THE SEA
Oh my love how you remind me of the sea
Not for being amazing, powerful and dramatic
No, you remind me of the sea my darling
Because when I’m close to you I feel sick
MULTITASKING MAIDENS
Women are supposedly very good at multitasking
Men are not, which allegedly is our biggest crime
But if women are truly capable of multitasking
Why can’t they have a headache and sex at the same time?
BINGO, BANGO, BONGO
I will call up my Dolly
To be alone would be folly
Perhaps I’ll call Holly
But should I call Polly
Or little miss Molly
To call all might be a folly
But an interesting volley
What a prospect by golly
WHIRLWIND ROMANCE
A woman is like a hurricane
Whether your partner or your spouse
When she comes she’s hot and wet
When she leaves she takes half the house
WOW YOU SMELL GREAT!
“Wow you smell great! what do you have on”?
The young woman asked in her opening gambit
“Well honey” He replied “I actually have a hard on
But I had no idea at all that you could smell it”
SHEEPISH
A man walked into his bedroom
Where his wife was preparing for sleep
And stood in the doorway
Holding a leash attached to a sheep
“Sweetheart when you have a headache
This is the cow I make love to”
The wife looked at him with utter contempt
Then took his silence as her cue
Saying ”If you weren't such a numbskull,
You’d know that's not a cow it’s a yew
He replied "If you weren't so conceited
You’d realise I wasn’t talking to you”
BREATHE THROUGH IT
A young woman had a panic attack
A side effect of British Railways
My wife and I went to her aid
But I struggled to avert my gaze
From her heaving chesticles
“Big breaths” my wife instructed her
I was still staring at her puppies, said
“No, but beautifully pert would be fare”
SHE WHO MUST BE
When first we met I thought of her
She who must be an angel
When we were married she became
She who must be obeyed
Now we are divorced she has become
She who must be despised
LIQUID TO SOLID
Liquid Viagra will become
The ultimate cocktail I think
And be popular with the group
In need of a stiff drink
TAKE A CLOSER LOOK
You don’t need expensive binoculars
They’re a waste of money you know
Instead of bringing the object nearer
Stand closer to her bedroom window
DRINKING FROM THE UGLY POND
Alcohol was originally invented
So ugly people could have sex too
Because viewed thru beer goggles
Everyone looks beautiful to you
It also serves to add some variety
To the beautiful peoples gene pool
FRIENDSHIP DEFINED
The definition of a real friend
Is someone who would never let a girlfriend
Drink to such excess that they will try
To have sex with a very ugly guy
WORKPLACE WOES
9 out of 10 women
At my company
Accused me of sexual harassment
And are suing me
And I’m being sued for discrimination
By plain Jane my 10th employee
PLAYING DRESS UP
To surprise her husband and add some spice
She dressed in tight black leather Basque
Six-inch stilettos heels, black stockings
Black garter belt and a leather mask
When he walked through the door he said
“Oi Batman what’s for dinner may I ask”?
BEACH ETIQUETTE
A naked man sunbathing at the beach
In order to preserve his dignity
And protect it from the sun
Placed his hat over his thingamy
A passing woman smiled and said
“A gentleman would lift his hat for a lady”
He replied “If you get your kit off
Madam it will raise itself, maybe”
DRIVING RAIN
Wipers swish
Expelling the rain drops
Heater whirls
Expelling heat to clear the mist
Headlights burn
Expelling darkness and fear
It’s a dirty night
But the doggers will be here
A STIFF DRINK
Viagra may soon be available in liquid form,
And will assist the flaccid when it’s done
By making it possible for a man to perform
By literally pouring himself a stiff one
IN THE COLD LIGHT OF DAY
If you are the sort of woman who believes
Life is too short to dance with ugly men
Then you almost certainly believe
It’s too short to have sex with them
Just remember that when you get drunk
There are no ugly men to offend you
And I bet you’ve never bedded an ugly man
But I’m sure you’ve woken up with a few
Oh my love how you remind me of the sea
Not for being amazing, powerful and dramatic
No, you remind me of the sea my darling
Because when I’m close to you I feel sick
MULTITASKING MAIDENS
Women are supposedly very good at multitasking
Men are not, which allegedly is our biggest crime
But if women are truly capable of multitasking
Why can’t they have a headache and sex at the same time?
BINGO, BANGO, BONGO
I will call up my Dolly
To be alone would be folly
Perhaps I’ll call Holly
But should I call Polly
Or little miss Molly
To call all might be a folly
But an interesting volley
What a prospect by golly
WHIRLWIND ROMANCE
A woman is like a hurricane
Whether your partner or your spouse
When she comes she’s hot and wet
When she leaves she takes half the house
WOW YOU SMELL GREAT!
“Wow you smell great! what do you have on”?
The young woman asked in her opening gambit
“Well honey” He replied “I actually have a hard on
But I had no idea at all that you could smell it”
SHEEPISH
A man walked into his bedroom
Where his wife was preparing for sleep
And stood in the doorway
Holding a leash attached to a sheep
“Sweetheart when you have a headache
This is the cow I make love to”
The wife looked at him with utter contempt
Then took his silence as her cue
Saying ”If you weren't such a numbskull,
You’d know that's not a cow it’s a yew
He replied "If you weren't so conceited
You’d realise I wasn’t talking to you”
BREATHE THROUGH IT
A young woman had a panic attack
A side effect of British Railways
My wife and I went to her aid
But I struggled to avert my gaze
From her heaving chesticles
“Big breaths” my wife instructed her
I was still staring at her puppies, said
“No, but beautifully pert would be fare”
SHE WHO MUST BE
When first we met I thought of her
She who must be an angel
When we were married she became
She who must be obeyed
Now we are divorced she has become
She who must be despised
LIQUID TO SOLID
Liquid Viagra will become
The ultimate cocktail I think
And be popular with the group
In need of a stiff drink
TAKE A CLOSER LOOK
You don’t need expensive binoculars
They’re a waste of money you know
Instead of bringing the object nearer
Stand closer to her bedroom window
DRINKING FROM THE UGLY POND
Alcohol was originally invented
So ugly people could have sex too
Because viewed thru beer goggles
Everyone looks beautiful to you
It also serves to add some variety
To the beautiful peoples gene pool
FRIENDSHIP DEFINED
The definition of a real friend
Is someone who would never let a girlfriend
Drink to such excess that they will try
To have sex with a very ugly guy
WORKPLACE WOES
9 out of 10 women
At my company
Accused me of sexual harassment
And are suing me
And I’m being sued for discrimination
By plain Jane my 10th employee
PLAYING DRESS UP
To surprise her husband and add some spice
She dressed in tight black leather Basque
Six-inch stilettos heels, black stockings
Black garter belt and a leather mask
When he walked through the door he said
“Oi Batman what’s for dinner may I ask”?
BEACH ETIQUETTE
A naked man sunbathing at the beach
In order to preserve his dignity
And protect it from the sun
Placed his hat over his thingamy
A passing woman smiled and said
“A gentleman would lift his hat for a lady”
He replied “If you get your kit off
Madam it will raise itself, maybe”
DRIVING RAIN
Wipers swish
Expelling the rain drops
Heater whirls
Expelling heat to clear the mist
Headlights burn
Expelling darkness and fear
It’s a dirty night
But the doggers will be here
A STIFF DRINK
Viagra may soon be available in liquid form,
And will assist the flaccid when it’s done
By making it possible for a man to perform
By literally pouring himself a stiff one
IN THE COLD LIGHT OF DAY
If you are the sort of woman who believes
Life is too short to dance with ugly men
Then you almost certainly believe
It’s too short to have sex with them
Just remember that when you get drunk
There are no ugly men to offend you
And I bet you’ve never bedded an ugly man
But I’m sure you’ve woken up with a few
LITTLE BITS OF LUST
HER ALLURE
She makes my thoughts impure
With her seductive allure
I am infected, and I am sure
They will never find a cure
PANDORA
Pandora was a bit of a trollop
You’d often find her round the docks
Though she would disagree
And thought herself a bit of a fox
But what made her more doxy than foxy
Was the odour from Pandora’s box
LOLITA’S SLAVE
This sexually precocious Lolita
Who so enflamed my Ardour
This most vivacious temptress
I longed to hold and caress
Infected me with her allure
And with no antidote or cure
She holds me captive in her spell
And simply bends me by her will
PHILANDER
Flirtation and casual sexual affairs
“Playing away” that is to philander
No sexual conquest is too trivial
A quick blow job or a knee-trembler
LUCKY GUY
I knew from the look in her eyes
That I was the lucky guy
Who in some form or guise
Would get between her thighs
And hear her deep throated cries
Then revel at her climactic sighs
LADY LUST
Lady Lust
Doused in heavy musk
Outrageously flirty
Exotic, erotic, earthy and dirty
She didn’t bother with underwear
She knew what she wanted and didn’t care
A woman full of desire
Looking for someone to quench her fire
On that day she chose me
To satisfy her sexually
And each satisfying penetration
Culminated in ecstatic ejaculation
And I made love to lady lust
Til there was nothing left but dust
YOUNG LOVERS # 2
Those first encounters
Clumsily fumbling in the dark
Those first breathtaking excitements
Of harmless petting
Never a risk to ones virginity
You only ever came in your pants
And never inside a girl
THE LIBERTINE
The libertine, devotee of the immoral
Master of the sexual conquest
Racks up countless sexual relationships
Because that’s what he does best
A real love them and leave them type
He is only interested in sexual gratification
A libertine just satisfies his appetites
And he doesn’t blame it on a mythical addiction
ROSE TINTED GOGGLES
She walked boldly into the pub
Mutton dressed as lamb
In clothes that didn’t suit her figure
Or her generation
She had too many miles on the clock
From all the journeys round the block
She was a real old spunker
With a bad case of “tits on belly”
Plus she had hairy armpits
And was decidedly smelly
Nonetheless viewed through beer goggles
She would look more attractive
And would doubtless see some action
BITCHIN’ BABE
Wow as you passed slowly by
You really caught my eye
With your figure so top class
Can I grope and squeeze your arse?
You have a very ample chest
Can I fumble inside your vest?
Are you moist beneath the waist?
Will you let me have a taste?
Oh your hips gyrate and tease
Let me split your whiskers please
Let me leave you in a state of bliss
If not I will gladly settle for a kiss
WENCH HUNT
A certain healthy horny fellow
With his wild oats to sow
Will seek a field that’s fallow
With a mind to plough the furrow
DESPERATELY SEEKING TOTTIE
In bars and pubs
In joints and clubs
In bawdy brothels
And pervert chapels
In dens of iniquity
You seek promiscuity
Girls of easy virtue
Happy to insert you
She makes my thoughts impure
With her seductive allure
I am infected, and I am sure
They will never find a cure
PANDORA
Pandora was a bit of a trollop
You’d often find her round the docks
Though she would disagree
And thought herself a bit of a fox
But what made her more doxy than foxy
Was the odour from Pandora’s box
LOLITA’S SLAVE
This sexually precocious Lolita
Who so enflamed my Ardour
This most vivacious temptress
I longed to hold and caress
Infected me with her allure
And with no antidote or cure
She holds me captive in her spell
And simply bends me by her will
PHILANDER
Flirtation and casual sexual affairs
“Playing away” that is to philander
No sexual conquest is too trivial
A quick blow job or a knee-trembler
LUCKY GUY
I knew from the look in her eyes
That I was the lucky guy
Who in some form or guise
Would get between her thighs
And hear her deep throated cries
Then revel at her climactic sighs
LADY LUST
Lady Lust
Doused in heavy musk
Outrageously flirty
Exotic, erotic, earthy and dirty
She didn’t bother with underwear
She knew what she wanted and didn’t care
A woman full of desire
Looking for someone to quench her fire
On that day she chose me
To satisfy her sexually
And each satisfying penetration
Culminated in ecstatic ejaculation
And I made love to lady lust
Til there was nothing left but dust
YOUNG LOVERS # 2
Those first encounters
Clumsily fumbling in the dark
Those first breathtaking excitements
Of harmless petting
Never a risk to ones virginity
You only ever came in your pants
And never inside a girl
THE LIBERTINE
The libertine, devotee of the immoral
Master of the sexual conquest
Racks up countless sexual relationships
Because that’s what he does best
A real love them and leave them type
He is only interested in sexual gratification
A libertine just satisfies his appetites
And he doesn’t blame it on a mythical addiction
ROSE TINTED GOGGLES
She walked boldly into the pub
Mutton dressed as lamb
In clothes that didn’t suit her figure
Or her generation
She had too many miles on the clock
From all the journeys round the block
She was a real old spunker
With a bad case of “tits on belly”
Plus she had hairy armpits
And was decidedly smelly
Nonetheless viewed through beer goggles
She would look more attractive
And would doubtless see some action
BITCHIN’ BABE
Wow as you passed slowly by
You really caught my eye
With your figure so top class
Can I grope and squeeze your arse?
You have a very ample chest
Can I fumble inside your vest?
Are you moist beneath the waist?
Will you let me have a taste?
Oh your hips gyrate and tease
Let me split your whiskers please
Let me leave you in a state of bliss
If not I will gladly settle for a kiss
WENCH HUNT
A certain healthy horny fellow
With his wild oats to sow
Will seek a field that’s fallow
With a mind to plough the furrow
DESPERATELY SEEKING TOTTIE
In bars and pubs
In joints and clubs
In bawdy brothels
And pervert chapels
In dens of iniquity
You seek promiscuity
Girls of easy virtue
Happy to insert you
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